泰迪熊（2024）

Ted S01E06

Part 6 Jan. 24, 2024, 8:21 p.m.

闹了大笑话
and in front of the ham!
我告诉你
Well, you know what?
这是我的火腿你要是不道歉
This is my ham, and you're not having a piece of the ham
你一口也别想吃
until you say you're sorry.
随你的便我不需要什么火腿
You know what? I don't need any ham!
我地下室里的小香肠多的很呢
I got all the Slim Jims I need in the basement!
我们走丹尼斯 -说得好老伙计
Come on, Dennis Good call, Buddy.
我只想要一个温馨的圣诞节
AlI I wanted was a nice Christmas.
要不我们试一个耶稣的超能力
OK, what do you say we try one of them spells, huh?
水变酒变变变
Water into wine, here we go.
妈咪嘛咪哄蹦沙卡拉卡
Meka leka hi, meka hiney ho.
妈咪嘛咪哄蹦沙卡拉卡
Meka leka hi, meka chiney ho.
好了你尝尝
AlI right, try it.
还是水 -草
Still water. Fuck!
知道吗
Oh, you know what?
都是因为我们没有魔杖
It's'cause we don't have the wand.
干嘛
What?
我们给你拿了点火腿
Hey, we brought you some ham
怕你还饿着
in case you're still hungry.
火腿在哪儿呢
Where is it? - Oh.
它碰着那五块钱了所以
Yeah, it's touching a five, so
啊那算了
Oh, look at that.
你们来干嘛
What do you guys want?
我们只是想看看你还好吗
We just wanted to see how you're doing.
操蛋极了 -等等你要走吗
Shitty. - Wait, you're leaving?
我想着还是去个
Yeah, I thought I'd go somewhere
容忍♥度高一点的地方吧
a little more tolerant,
比如伊朗
like Iran.
听着布莱尔
Listen, Blaire,
我们只想说
we just wanted to say, you know,
我和泰迪完全不介意你的取向
Teddy and I are totally cool with you being
免得你胡思乱想
you know, just in case you were wondering.
我不需要你的许可
I don't need your approval.
不我知道只是
No. Yeah, I know that, but- -
抱歉我知道你是好意
No, I- - sorry, I get what you meant.
谢了 -那就好
Thanks. Cool.
我们可喜欢女同了
I mean, we love lesbians.
是啊可喜欢了
Yeah, like, a lot.
我们在树林里找到一些杂♥志♥
Like, we found some magazines in the woods- -
我知道了
I get it.
有个问题希望我没有越界
Question- - and I hope I'm not out of line here-
但这是因为
but is it'cause
是因为你前男友活太差吗
I mean, did you get a bad dick?
不是这样的
Yeah, that's not how it works.
我并不是坚定的取向男或者取向女
Look, I'm not 100%one way or the other.
我只是喜欢自己喜欢的人不论男女
I just- - I'm attracted to who I'm attracted to.
还有前男友的确很差
Also, I got a bad dick.
我的天啊 -太有趣了
Oh, my God! Oh, that's awesome.
太精彩了 -才不是
That's awesome. Ah, no.
只是让你们笑一笑罢了
That's just a comedy freebie for you guys.
都是胡说的好吗 -谢谢
It's bullshit, all right? - Thank you.
谢谢你的圣诞节小黄笑话
Thank you for the Christmas dick joke.
真该死
Shit.
我要怎么和一个把我当成
I mean, how the fuck am I supposed to share a house
疾病瘟疫避之不及的人
with somebody who treats me like
同处一个屋檐下呢
I have some fucking disease?
他是不可能跟我道歉了
Guess there's no chance he's gonna apologize.
其实我可以给你提供点
You know, if I can offer
耶稣的智慧布莱尔
a bit of Christly wisdom, Blaire?
你比他聪明
You're smarter than he is,
所以还是你先找他谈谈吧
so you might have to go talk to him.
可拉倒吧
Oh, fuck that.
我才不会向一个连基本的人人平等都不懂的人
I am not extending an olive branch to somebody
主动求和呢
who's against basic equality.
但问题是这样布莱尔
Well, that's the thing, Blaire.
我觉得他并不是真的要反对什么
I don't think he's really even against anything.
他只是不想在自己的卡车面前
Think he just didn't want to look stupid
显得傻乎乎的
in front of his truck.
听听你自己说的什么蠢话
Listen to yourself!
那就别当是为了爸
OK, then don't do it for Dad.
就算是为了妈
Do it for Mom.
她现在真的很郁闷
Look, she's really bummed out right now,
都是因为圣诞节被糟蹋的一塌糊涂
and it's all just cause Christmas is messed up.
我知道一定会很糟心
Look, I know it's gonna suck, but- -
但就像我耶稣本人在《圣经》里说的
But it's like I say in the book of Romulans:
把另一边的脸也伸过去让人打
turn the other cheek.
己所不欲勿施于人
Do unto others.
平心静气友善沟通
Say it, don't spray it.
我要点和她一样的
I'lI have what she's having.
你真是个傻缺
You're an idiot.
这我们要如何回应呢使徒
Oh, what do we say to that, Apostle?
四个地狱准则 -四个地狱准则
Four hell points. - Four hell points.
什么是地狱准则
What the fuck is a hell point?
我以此来决定我的孩子我的爱人
It's how I determine which of my children, who I love,
是否将遭受永世折磨
will be tortured forever.
我的天哪
Oh, God
行吧行吧
Ugh, all right, all right, I'll-
我和他谈
I'll talk to him.
通常需要一到两天
Usually a day or two in traction-
等等弗兰克我是这里的医生
Now, wait a minute, Frank, I'm the doctor here.
我以为我才是医生
I thought I was the doctor here.
其实我们俩都是医生
Actually, we're all doctors here.
就连躺在这儿的病人也是个医生
Even the patient's a doctor here.
说得好
Hear, hear.
你们这些小丑能专业一点吗
Will you clowns act like professionals?
我给你讲个笑话
AlI right, I got one for you.
有一架飞机即将坠毁
So an airplane's about to crash, right?
一位女士站起来把衣服脱掉大喊
A woman stands up, takes off her clothes, and yells,
我们就要死了
we're all gonna die!
谁来让我做一个真正的女人吧
Someone make me feel like a real woman!
她身边坐着的男人也把衣服脱掉
The guy sitting next to her takes off his shirt,
他说给把这个熨平整
and he says, here, iron this.
好笑吧
Right?
没错 -这个好笑
Yeah, right That's a good one.
看到没地下室里就应该是这样
Yeah, see, that's how it's gonna be down here.
只有咱们哥俩讨论女人做家务
Just you and me and jokes about chicks doing chores.
马蒂
Matty?
哦天破烂不堪同性恋来咯
Oh, boy, here comes Raggedy Lesbi- Ann.
丹尼斯我想和我叔叔谈谈
Dennis, I'd like to talk to my uncle.
能给我们几分钟吗
Can you give us a second?
嘿你想和我说什么
Hey, anything you want to say to me,
不用避讳丹尼斯
you can say in front of Dennis here.
好吧
Fine.
听着我没指望咱俩在观念上意见一致
Look, I don't expect us to agree on politics, all right?
那永远不可能的
That's just never gonna happen.
但这与政♥治♥之类的无关
But this isn't about politics.
这事关我是什么样的人
This is about who I am.
马蒂
Matty
不关你愿意与否我们都是家人
like it or not, we're family.
我不再和我父母联♥系♥了
I don't talk to my parents anymore,
你和苏珊阿姨是我唯一的亲人
so you and Aunt Suze are all I've got.
我不想连你也失去
I don't want to lose you too.
我是你的侄女我只是
I'm your niece, and I just- -
我只是觉得如果你无法接受
I just think it's really fucking shitty
真实的我是件糟糕又不公的事情
and unfair that you can't accept me for who I am.
今天是圣诞前夜不是搞同情的慈善活动
Hey, it's Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.
他说的那些混♥蛋♥话
So all the fucked- up things that he says,
真的都是你的心里话吗
is that really what you think too?
别退缩马蒂这里是你家
Don't back down, Matty. This is your house.
看来你的确是个心胸狭窄的混♥蛋♥
Well, then I guess you're an intolerant prick,