泰迪熊（2024）

Ted S01E06

Part 4 Jan. 24, 2024, 8:21 p.m.

你知道这是什么吗该死的共和党
You know what this is? Fucking Republicans.
我对天发誓你们只在乎
I swear to God, all you guys care about
谁吵赢了
is winning the argument.
你不关心真正的变革或正义
You don't care about actual change or justice.
只是想假装聪明
It's all about feeling fake smart
还装不了两秒钟
for, like, two seconds.
我来问你
Let me ask you this.
那你之外的世界呢
What about the world beyond you?
那其他人和他们的需求呢
What about other people and their needs?
天啊你在气什么啊
Jesus, what are you getting all mad about?
现在在最高法♥院♥都有两个妞了
You got two broads on the Supreme Court now.
你们赢了 -对这不就是对吧
You're winning. Yeah, there you go, right?
九分之二是女性已经很不错了
Two out of nine is pretty darn good.
好了你知道吗
OK. You know what?
我已经习惯听马蒂的废话了
I am used to taking this crap from Matty,
但我不想听一个刚成精的垃圾
but I'm not gonna take it from some random piece of shit
说废话
that just came to life.
无意冒犯泰迪 -没事
No offense, Ted. All good.
走吧
Come on. Let's go.
所以我说我是耶稣大家都不在意是吗
So we just don't care that I'm Jesus, huh?
我的天
Mm. Oh, my God
我就是想来看看刚才之后你是不是没事
I was just checking to see if you're OK after- -
看上去你没事哈
Well, it looks like you're OK.
等等等等苏珊阿姨
Wait, wait, Aunt Suze.
有件事我得告诉你
There's something you should know.
什么
What?
我和莎拉是
Me and Sarah are- -
我们是一对儿 -对
We're a couple, like, dating. Yeah.
不是
No.
是 -不是
both: Yeah. - No.
你们只是特别好的朋友
You're just very good friends.
不是 -不是
No. No, that's not- -
你刚看见了
what you just saw- -
我刚看见的
What I saw
就是你们俩在表示友谊
was you expressing your good friendship,
就像我原来上学那会儿
just like the girls on the tennis team
网球队的女生做的那样
used to do when I was in school.
这样吧
You know what?
也许你说的对
Maybe you're right.
也许这样最好
Maybe that's for the best.
我们就是特别好的好朋友
We're just...really good friends.
等等什么
Wait. What?
莎拉我们家的人都觉得李伯拉斯
Sarah, people in this house think Liberace
只是很有个性而已好吗
just had a lot of personality, OK?
我觉得他们最多也就只能接受我们是好朋友
I think good friends is as far as they're gonna go.
天李伯拉斯的确是挺出格的哈
Gosh, that Liberace sure was full of spunk, wasn't he?
布莱尔不行好吗
Blaire, no, OK?
我受够了
I'm tired of this.
无论走到哪我们都要躲躲闪闪的
We keep hiding it everywhere we go.
我知道 -这太扯了
I know. It's bullshit.
好吧你觉得我姨夫能接受吗
OK, well, you think my uncle's gonna be cool
不是吧
with this? - Oh, come on.
尤其是丹尼斯还在
Especially with Dennis around?
谁在乎他怎么想啊
Who gives a fuck what he thinks?
而且为什么我要在乎一个破烂玩具自卸卡车
And why should I care what a fucking toy dump truck
怎么看待我的性取向
thinks about my sexuality?
有句话不是每天都能听到的
There's a sentence you don't hear every day.
直接告诉他们
Wouldn't it be easier to just tell them
我们不只是好朋友不是更简单吗
we're more than good friends?
我真的觉得如果我们慢慢来
I really think that if we just take a minute,
会减少很多压力的
we'd be saving ourselves a lot of stress,
好吧至少等到圣诞节之后
all right, at least till after Christmas.
我们1月3日比较有空
We have very little going on January 3rd.
太好了
Great.
那样应该行
Yeah, that works.
好吧 -谢谢你苏珊
AlI right. Thank you, Suze.
1月3日我得记日历上
January 3rd, put it on the calendar.
我天我有告诉你有人闯进了我的车
Oh, my God, did I tell you somebody broke into my car
然后把我的仪表盘给砸了吗
and whacked off on the dashboard?
说了有50次了
Yes, like, 50 fucking times.
好吧草莎拉这是假期啊
Right. Fuck, Sarah, it's the holidays.
我们能别互相攻击吗
Can we not turn on each other?
好吧那我给你编辫子
Fine. Let me braid your hair.
谢谢
Thank you.
好吧我们不能全读完吧
OK, we can't read this whole thing.
如果我们要弄清楚我是不是耶稣
Well, if we re gonna figure out if Im actually Jesus,
至少我们得过一遍吧
we at least got to skim it.
我从没见过这么薄的书页
I have never seen pages so thin.
我知道
I know.
就像舒洁纸巾上印了无聊的故事一样
It's like Kleenex with boring stories onit.
我在想
You know, I was thinking.
我们怎么知道丹尼斯就不是耶稣呢
How do we know that Dennis isn't Jesus?
约翰尼耶稣能在水上漂的好吗
Johnny, Jesus walked on water, all right?
他会走路
Walked!
也就是说他有脚的而不是轮子
That means he had feet, not wheels
嗯这么说也对
Yeah, that makes sense.
等会儿就这
Oh, wait, hang on. Stop right there
看看
Look, look, look.
《马太福音》21章31节
Matthew 21: 31,
我实在跟你们说
Truly I say to you,
收税人和妓♥女♥
"the tax collectors and prostitutes
会比你们先进天堂
go into the kingdom of heaven before you. "
看看啊
Look at that.
耶稣和妓♥女♥厮混在一起
Jesus hangs out with hookers.
是啊而且他说天堂里也有妓♥女♥
Yeah, and he says there's hookers in heaven too.
他听上去好像你啊
He sounds a lot like you.
是天堂里可能大多数都是妓♥女♥
Oh, yeah, heaven is probably mostly hookers.
不是吧天堂里也要花钱找妓♥女♥吗
Wait, so you're paying for sex in heaven?
你不是为了性给她们钱
You're not paying them for sex.
而是给钱让她们飞走
You're paying them to fly away.
我看看哈
Let's see.
看哪我必快来
"And behold, I come quickly,
凡遵守这书上预言的有福了
and my reward is with me to give"- -
第一部分是什么
What was that first part?
看哪我必快来（高♥潮♥）
"Behold, I come quickly. "
耶稣这么说的吗 -对
Jesus said that? Yeah.
这种事我可不会跟人家说看哪
Yeah, that's not the kind of thing I'd start with"behold. "
还有什么
What else?
看看看就这这
Well, look, look, look. Right there. Right there.
使徒约翰
John the apostle.
耶稣有个使徒叫约翰
Jesus had an apostle named John.
我勒个去
Holy shit.
那些都是他的哥们儿对吧
Those were, like, his buddies, right?
对有瞌睡虫喷嚏精糊涂蛋
Yeah, yeah, there was Sleepy, Sneezy, Dopey,
约翰尼闪电
Johnny, Blitzen,
还有拉里达利和达里尔
and Larry, Darryl, and Darryl
毫无疑问了
There's no doubt anymore.
我就是耶稣基♥督♥啊
I'm the Lord Jesus Christ.
神了
Holy shit.
那你是不是意味着你有法力什么的
Does this meanj you have, like, powers and stuff?
是但我可能得学习如何使用它们
Yeah, but Iprobably got to learn how to use them.
翻到咒语那些
Flip to the spells.
好咒语咒语 -咒语咒语咒语
OK, spells, spells, spells Spells, spells, spells.
不知道顺序是什么
Wonder what my alignment is.
混乱就挺好 -是是
Chaotic good. Ah, yeah, yeah.
挺好但是我有可能
Good, but, like, you know, I might
会四处混混
fuck around a little bit Yeah.
靠我们是不是得有骰子啊
Shit, we supposed to have dice?
嘿马蒂一个犹太人一个波兰佬
Hey, Matty, a Jew, a Polack,
还有个黑人走进了酒吧
and a Black guy walk into a bar