泰迪熊（2024）

Ted S01E05

Part 2 Jan. 20, 2024, 1:31 p.m.

白人垃圾婚姻
white trash marriage.
喂喂喂你说什么
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. What?
什么我说什么
What do you mean, what?
你妻子一直试着和你交流
Your wife is trying to engage with you.
你却像个混♥蛋♥一样对她不理不睬
And you're dismissing her like an asshole.
你每天都这样
And you do it all the time.
苏珊我是个混♥蛋♥吗
Susan, am I an asshole?
当然不是了马蒂
Oh, of course not, Matty.
你是个退伍老兵啊
You're a veteran.
看到没
See?
你觉得国家会让混♥蛋♥去上越战战场吗
You think they'd send an asshole to Vietnam?
你不是被开除军籍了吗
Weren't you dishonorably discharged?
不我不是被开除军籍的
No, I wasn't dishonorably discharged
也不是光荣退役的
or honorably discharged.
这怎么可能啊
How the hell does that work?
就像我刚刚说的啊
Just exactly like I just said.
所以军队就告诉你不是你的错
So the army basically said, it's not you.
是我们的错 -就是这样
It's us. - That's right.
我们还没准备好
We're not sure we're ready to have anybody
让任何人参军呢
in the army right now.
差不多吧
More or less.
军队现在只想关注军队自己
The army just wants to focus on the army for a while.
看到没他就懂
See? He gets it.
苏珊阿姨他一点都不尊重你
Aunt Sus, he is so fucking disrespectful to you.
你也从来不维护自己
And you never stick up for yourself.
我对天发誓你们需要做婚姻咨♥询♥了
I swear to God, you guys need marriage counseling
去他的吧
Oh, fuck that.
怎么了难道你连心理咨♥询♥也害怕
What's the matter? Are you scared of therapy too?
哦狠啊 -好戏登场了
Oh, shit. - Oh, it's on, fuckers.
我才不会付给心理医生八十块大洋
I'm not going to pay some shrink 80 bucks to sit there
坐那儿让他给我看那些像露着老二的牧师
and show me inkblots that all look like priests
的墨点儿呢（墨迹测验）
with their dicks out.
这已经是个进步了
Well, I think that's already progress.
我有个想法
Look, I have a proposal.
我在咖啡店加班
I've saved up a little money
攒下一点钱
working extra shifts at the coffee shop.
作为给你和苏珊今年的圣诞礼物
As my Christmas gift to you and Susan this year,
我掏钱让你们参加一次婚姻咨♥询♥
I will pay for one marriage counseling session.
你只需要过去就好
All you got to do is show up.
马蒂我们能去吗
Oh, Matty, can we?
天哪苏珊
Jesus, Susan.
我们能说些什么呢
What will we even talk about?
我们可以谈谈我们有多爱彼此
Oh, we can talk about how much we love each other.
好吧告诉你
OK. You know what?
可以
Fine.
去就去只为了给你看看你说的都是一堆屁话
We'll go, just to show you that you're full of shit,
我和苏珊的婚姻美满极了
and Susan and I have a great marriage.
这样好了我们现在就去
In fact, you know what, let's go right now.
晚上九点人家又不开门
It's not open at 9: 00 p. m.
废话又开始了
And the bullshit begins.
当然了弗罗斯特诗歌♥中
Now, of course, the most well- known singularity
最著名的一句是
in Frost poem is the repetition of,
入睡前我还有很长的路要走
And miles to go before I sleep, "
指的不仅是字面意义上的睡觉而是死亡
which refers not to literal sleep but to death
以及难以承受的
and the overwhelming
你有什么事情
Is there something you'd like to share
想和大家分享吗莱昂斯小姐
with the class, Miss Lyons?
我们只是好奇你的裤子是不是还不够大
We were just wondering if your pants are big enough.
你什么意思
Excuse me?
只是你的穿搭实在是个
It just seems like there's a little fashion
时尚灾难现场
emergency going on.
你的裤子是从失物招领捡回来的吗
Did you get your pants from the lost and found?
这裤子是有点宽大
Yeah, these pants are a little big.
是我爸的
They were my dad's.
想问我为什么要穿我死去父亲的裤子吗
Why am I wearing my dead father's pants, you ask?
因为我搬回家和我妈一起住了
Because I've moved back in with my mother.
我老婆两周前为了一个壁球老师离开了我
My wife left me two weeks ago for a racquetball teacher.
开心了 -天哪冷静点
Happy now? God, chill out.
只是开个玩笑
It was a joke.
我也很想冷静艾琳
I'd love to chill out, Erin.
我真的很想
I really would.
但是生活不允许我这样做
But you know what, life has other plans for me.
我老婆说他们上♥床♥的时候
My wife says he makes eye contact
有眼神交流
with her when they make love.
而对我来说有眼神交流就硬不起来了
With me, it's either eye contact or an erection.
只能选择一个
You have to choose one.
我傻傻的以为能硬起来才是正确选择
And silly me, I thought the right choice was the erection.
这正确率本来就是一半半不是吗
Well, I had a 50/50 shot, didn't I?
原来她想要的是眼神交流
Turns out she wants eye contact
我现在只能搬回家和老妈住了
And now that Ive moved back in with Mother,
我只能对着马桶打飞机因为我的床会咯吱响
I have to masturbate into the toilet because my bed squeaks.
当然了要是你问我前妻
Of course, if you ask my ex- wife,
他会告诉你乔治老师的精♥子♥只配被扔进马桶
the toilet is where Mr. George's sperm belongs.
这才叫笑话艾琳
Now there s a joke, Erin.
哈哈哈
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
乔治老师我们能去我办公室聊聊吗
Mr. George, can we have a talk in my office?
天真不知道是怎么了
Gee, I wonder what this is about.
所有人请自行阅读81到96页
Everyone, please read pages 81 to 96.
开玩笑呢你们爱咋咋地吧
I'm kidding. I don't give a shit.
今天你们看到的情绪失控够多了
I think that's enough emotional trauma for the day.
孩子们提前下课回家吧
Why don't you kids go home early?
天哪刚刚简直太疯癫了
Man, that was insane, huh?
是啊拉拉队员都好刻薄啊
Yeah. Those cheerleaders are mean.
你就得出这结论
That"s that s what you got from that?
至少我们下午没事儿了
Well, at least we got the afternoon off.
街头曲棍球吗 -街头曲棍球
Street hockey? Street hockey.
好极了
Fuck yeah
看好了宝贝儿
AlI right, this is it, baby.
我要打倒你 -去你的吧鲍比·奥尔
You're going down. - Yeah, fuck you, Bobby Orr.
尽全力来吧
Take your best shot.
本内特在比赛最后几秒钟错失良机
And Bennett chokes in the final seconds of the game.
实在是太丢脸了
This is an absolute disgrace.
该死
Ah, shit
看看那些慈善机构的孩子们
Look at the disappointed faces on all
脸上失望的表情他们只想看到
these Make A Wish kids who only wanted
棕熊队获得胜利啊
to see a Bruins victory.
泰迪
Teddy-
这一令人震惊的结局引起了球迷们
This is a stunning upset fueling
极大的愤怒他们无疑会发泄到自己妻子身上
an anger the fans will no doubt take out on their wives.
我得说唐 -给我闭嘴吧行吗
And I got to say, Don Shut the fuck up, all right?
我问你点事 -什么
I got to ask you something. What?
你觉得布莱尔说的对吗
Do you think Blaire is right?
我爸妈的婚姻真的很失败吗
Like, do my parents have a fucked up marriage?
这问题很难回答
Well, that's one of those tough to answer questions,
约翰尼就比如你在哪儿找到泰迪熊能穿的曲棍球装备
Johnny, like where did you find Teddy bear sized hockey gear?
我真的不知道答案
Ijust don't know.
如果他们真的存在婚姻问题
And if they are having problems,
会和我有关吗
is any of it my fault?
我又能做些什么
I mean, what canI do?
我已经在头脑风暴了
Well, I'mjust brainstorming.
但我觉得或许伤害自己
But it seems like, maybe, hurting yourself
会给他个教训
could teach him a lesson.
天我还没考虑过这个办法
Gee, I never thought of that.
那我还得自己忍♥着疼
Then I'd be in charge of the pain.
没错 -只有我自己知道我该承受多少
Exactly. Only Iknow what I deserve.
我就伤害我自己正好那么多
And I'd give myself just that much. jV
我现在突然意识到
Yeah, you know, I'm just now starting
这办法有漏洞
to see some cracks in this.
嘿情况如何
Hey, how d it go?
我为这咨♥询♥花了80块
I paid 80 bucks for that session, ）