泰迪熊（2024）

Ted S01E07

Part 2 Jan. 27, 2024, 11:39 a.m.

飞行修女
The Flying Nun,
里奇·里奇
Richie Rich,
林肯纪念堂
the Lincoln Memorial
那本年鉴
That yearbook
我从没上过床
I've never had sex,
也没交过女朋友
never had a girlfriend.
我甚至从来没有亲过任何人
Fuck, I've never even kissed anybody.
你九岁时在游♥行♥上
You kissed Michael Dukakis
亲过迈克尔·杜卡基斯
at that parade when you were nine.
对那不算是他亲了我
Yeah, that doesn't count. He kissed me.
那场面可激♥情♥了他们还把它登在了报纸上
It was passionate enough that they ran it in the paper.
听着别担心约翰尼
Look, dont worry, Johnny.
波士顿有很多小巷
There'salot of alleys in Boston.
肯定有地方有鸡洞的
One of them's gotta have a glory hole.
如果不行我们就去伍斯特
And if it doesn't, we're going to Worcester.
看看那些等救济的
Look at all these welfare queens.
你看这就是这个国家的问题所在
See, tha- that's the problem with this country.
每个人都希望能衣来伸手
Everybody expects everything handed to them
饭来张口
on a silver platter.
嗨
Hey, guys.
我能跟你们说件事吗
Um, can I talk to you about something?
你要金枪鱼三明治吗
You want a tuna sandwich?
不不用了
No, I'm- - I'm okay
是关于约翰的
it's about John.
我觉得他可能快要
Uh, I think he might be on the verge of- -
我觉得他对
Well, I- - I think he's interested
性方面的活跃感兴趣
in becoming sexually active
你是什么意思
What do you mean?
我真的不知道该怎么说得更清楚
Well, I don't really know how I can be clearer than that.
你们跟约翰谈过性吗
Um, have you guys ever talked to John a- about sex?
当然没有他才16岁
Course not He's only 16
谈论性是粗鲁的
Talking about sex is rude.
所以你们指望他靠一个体育老师
So you're gonna rely on a gym teacher
和一个好色的泰迪熊学习性知识吗
and a horny teddy bear?
你怎么能指望他只有能学到
I mean, how do you expect him to learn
他需要知道的东西
what he needs to know?
当你应征入伍时他们会给你看个视频
When you get drafted, they show you a film.
我知道说这些可能会很尴尬
Look, I get it can be an awkward conversation,
但这真的很重要
but it's really important.
托尼·兰德尔也在那个视频里面
Tony Randall was in it.
你说得很对布莱尔
You're absolutely right, Blaire.
你知道我会怎么做吗
You know what I'm gonna do?
我要剪个《环球报》的《问贝丝》栏目
I'm gonna clip an Ask Beth from"The Globe, "
然后塞进他的门缝里
and I'll slide it under his door.
各位人类的性行为
Guys, there's nothing shameful
没什么可耻的
about human sexuality
你见过会开大灯的
You've never been in a strip club
脱衣舞俱乐部吗
when the lights come on.
我也没有见过哈
And neither have I
马蒂这不是开玩笑好吗
Matty, this isn ta joke, okay?
他需要知道这些
He needs to know this stuff.
等时机成熟我会跟他谈的
Look, I Ill talk to him when the time is right.
我告诉你
And I'm telling you,
作为一个非常了解他的人
as somebody who knows him really well,
现在就是成熟的时机了
it's the right time,
好吧我觉得你只是想避免
Okay, I think you're trying to avoid
尴尬的谈话
an uncomfortable conversation,
说实话你这样挺自私的
and honestly, that's selfish of you,
我只想消消停停地吃午饭
AlI I'm trying to do is eat my lunch here.
天呐
Jesus.
你出月经了还是怎么的
Your period coming in or something?
我什么
I- - what?
当我没说 -出月经了
Forget it. Coming in?
你以为是出智齿吗
Like it's my fucking adult teeth?
当我没提过 -操了原来需要
Forget I brought it up. Fuck, it sounds like
性教育的你不是他
you need the talk, not him.
你知道月经是怎么来的吗
Do you have any idea how a period actually works?
我该知道的都知道
I know enough.
没人跟你解释过吧
No one's ever explained it to you, have they?
我试过解释来着
I tried once,
但马蒂说离节日太近了说这些不得体
but Matty said it was too close to the holidays.
我的天啊苏姨
Oh, my God. Aunt Suze,
你得为你儿子着想好吗
think about your son, all right?
难道你不希望约翰成长为
Don't you want John to grow up
一个性思想健康的成年人吗
to be a sexually healthy adult?
布莱尔注意措辞
Blaire, language.
我父母从没跟我谈过性
My parents never talked to me about sex.
我自己想明白的我也挺好的不是吗
I figured it all out on my own, and Im doing just fine.
我们会和约翰谈谈的
We'll talk to John.
进来
Come in
约翰
John?
怎么了
Yeah?
你一个人吗
Are you alone?
嗯对泰迪去商店
Yeah. Yeah, Teddy went
买♥♥多力多滋了
to the store to get Doritos.
我们家有多力多滋啊亲爱的
Oh, we have Doritos here at the house, honey.
真的吗 -是的随时都有
We do? - Oh, yeah, always.
对哦我们是垃圾白人
Oh, that's right. We're trash.
约翰你父亲和我
John, your father and I,
我们想和你谈谈
we want to talk to you about something.
一件私事
It's a private thing.
什么事
What is it?
约翰
John,
有时候两个成年人结婚了
sometimes when two grown- ups are married,
他们晚上
and they're in a bed,
在床上的时候
and it's nighttime,
他们的穿泳衣的部位会有一种奇怪的感觉
they get this funny feeling in their bathing suit areas.
天哪苏珊
Jesus Christ, Susan!
是这样的约翰
It's like this, John.
男人和女人有不同的部位
Men and women have different parts,
这些部分像活塞和气缸一样组合在一起
and those parts fit together like a piston and a cylinder.
要给马达一分钟预热一下
Just give the motor a minute to warm up.
如果你发动你会炸了垫片
If you gun it, you're gonna blow a gasket,
卡住你至少要花一千块
seize up, and you're looking at minimum a grand
换一个新的发动机
for a new engine block.
这就是性♥爱♥
That's sex.
我真的服了
Fuck me.
约翰
John.
总有一天等你长大了
Someday, when you're older,
你会有你的第一次
you're gonna have your first time,
那会很特别的亲爱的
and it should be special, honey.
我会没事的妈妈
Yeah, I'll be fine, Mom.
我希望它比我的第一次更好
I want it to be better than my first time.
天啊不这就不用
God, no, please don't- -
那是1974年
It was 1974.
你父亲和我当时住在收费公路旁的
And your father and I were staying at a Howard Johnson's
一家豪生酒店事情进展很快
off the turnpike, and things were moving quickly,
突然电视上播了一则新闻
when suddenly there was a news bulletin on the TV.
尼克松辞职了
Nixon had resigned.
你父亲他心烦意乱
Oh, your father, he was so distracted
情绪激动
and just so agitated and
妈真的你没必要说这么多
Mom, really, you don't have to do this.
我想把他拉回床上但他不肯
I tried to get him back into bed, but he wouldn't.
他太难过了他一直不停地大喊大叫
He was too upset. He just kept yelling,
那些嬉皮士赢了那些嬉皮士赢了
"The hippies have won! The hippies have won!
他们赢了他们赢了
They've won! They've won! "
我希望这对你有所帮助
I hope this helped.
这该死的树脂让我头疼
This fucking resin's giving me a headache.
你不能给你那人打电♥话♥吗
Can't you call your guy?
那人不会在安息日卖♥♥给我
Ah, my guy won't sell to me on Shabbat.