耻辱堂（2020）

Shameless Hall of Shame S01E02

Part 2 March 2, 2021, 10:06 a.m.

我就怀胎十月
So I'll just be carrying it,
等孩子一出世你们就接过去
and you two take it from me when it comes out?
-是啊妈 -上苍都知道
- Yes, Mom. - 'Cause Lord knows
我这么大年纪实在没法儿养个孩子了
I am too old to be raising an infant.
也没射多少吗
Not much in there.
我们其实用点眼药器就可以了
We could've used an eyedropper.
天啊凯文
Jeez, Kevin.
全部弄进去
Bottoms up.
你疯了吗
Are you out of your fucking mind?
小凯只需要和你做又不是做♥爱♥
Kev is just gonna lie down with you for procreation, not sex.
有什么区别
What is the difference?
纯交♥配♥ 没人享受
It's clinical, so no one enjoys it.
那个火鸡浇油管里死了百万个精♥子♥
Millions of sperm died in that turkey baster.
不行宝贝这是一趟通往
Uh-uh, no. Honey, this is an express bus
《毛里·波维奇怪秀》的快车
to The Maury Povich Show.
你家有什么烈酒有多少
What kind of hard liquor you got, and how much?
好吧开始吧
Okay, let's get this going.
别闹了妈
Knock it off, mama.
等等
Hey, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
这个3K党的袍子怎么回事
W-what's with the KKK costume?
我去年参加一个
I saw them use something like this
超犹太的婚礼时看过他们用这个
at that super-Jewy wedding I went to last year.
作为避免肌肤之亲的屏障
It keeps the skin from touching, acts as a barrier.
我觉得我像鬼妓♥女♥
I feel like a ghost prostitute.
怎么不给我剪一个喘气的口
Why she didn't cut me a mouth hole?
我该怎么我的天呐
How am I supposed to--whoa! Hello.
看来下面是来客人了
Looks like I got a visitor down there.
我能拿下来吗
Can I take this off my face?
不不
No! No!
我们还要这么干几次
How many more times are we gonna have to do this?
直到我们完成任务
Until we complete the mission.
你就是卢克·天行者
You're Luke Skywalker, and it's up to you
要指望你一击命中摧毁死星
to shoot one in and destroy the Death Star.
别别对着那儿
N-n-no, not there. No.
抱歉抱歉
Sorry, sorry, sorry.
你是打算就这么硬塞进来吗
You-you got a-a shoehorn or something?
拜托你别说话行不一个字都不许说
Can you not talk, please? Just don't say a word.
你这么软趴趴的是要闹哪样
Come on, you piece of shit!
妈各就各位
Mama, get on it.
天呐
Oh, man.
稍等妈
Hold that thought. Mom!
快来我俩中间快点
Jump in between us. Hurry up.
对对干我吧
Oh, yeah, that's it.
对了对了
Ooh, yeah, that's it.
把你的爱♥液♥射出来
Ooh, bring it home.
用劲干我
Bring it home, baby. Ooh!
停下
Stop, stop.
停下停下停下停下
Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop.
停下
Stop!
你们想要个小孩是吗很好
You people wanna have a baby? Beautiful.
找别人吧
Find another way to do it.
这种工作环境我可做不来
I can't be working under these conditions.
好吧我们会再联♥系♥你的
All right, we'll call you.
如果一开始没成功那就再试亿次
好紧啊
Oh, you're flexing,
咬得我好舒服
oh, you're flexing that.
你♥他♥妈♥开玩笑吧
You gotta be shitting me.
大家听好
Attention, people!
凯文要当爸爸了
Kevin is gonna be a daddy!
真的吗
Really?
你们看这验孕棒
Look at the stick, people!
你们等下要小心了
Beware. For the rest of the night,
我要用这玩意儿来调鸡尾酒
I am stirring cocktails with this stick.
你做得很好亲爱的
You are doing amazing, honey.
你怎么知道
How would you know?
因为别人生孩子也是这么叫的啊
Because you're making all the right sounds.
还记得咱们看过的那个生产视频吗
Remember that birthing video
里面那个女的就是发出水牛一样的叫声
with the chick making all the buffalo noises?
你现在的叫声就跟里面一样
You're totally making those noises.
你要不要站到我们这边来
Would you like to stand around here with us?
不不用
No, I'm good.
你不想看吗
You don't wanna watch?
亲爱的我上次就站那里呢
Oh, honey, I was over there earlier,
还看到了一些超重口的东西
and I saw some...hardcore shit,
简直跟恐怖电影有的一拼
like, horror movie shit.
所以我还是待在你身边比较好
No, I'm gonna stay with you.
我真抱歉我帮不上忙
I am so sorry I can't help.
在这事儿上我真是没用
I'm useless at this.
那个汤米说在有些文化中
You know, Tommy says that in some cultures,
男人压根儿不能靠近生产现场
men aren't even allowed near the birth,
就只有一堆女人待在帐篷里这样就说得通了
just a bunch of women in tents, which makes sense,
因为我要是在追捕麋鹿什么的
because I would be so much more useful
那倒还算派上用处了
if I was out hunting moose or something.
闭嘴别他妈说了凯文
Shut up. Shut the fuck up, Kevin.
别他妈说话了
Please shut the fuck up.
好的
Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
护士把她们扔这儿就走了
The nurses just left them here
好像我们多会带孩子似的
like we know what the fuck we're doing.
这位是艾米那位是杰玛
This is Amy, and that's Gemma.
再来教我认认
Right, now, uh, tell me again.
这个是艾米对吧
Um, this one's Amy.
应该是吧
I think so.
我记得住她们名字
I mean, I know their names.
只是有点分不清谁是谁
I'm just not 100 percent yet on which one is which.
杰玛艾米
不是你的错小维
This is not your fault, V.
杰玛不笨
Gemma is not dumb.
卡德纳斯老师根本不知道她在讲什么
Mrs. Cardenas has no idea what she's talking about.
艾米
她这是在脸上画画吗
Is she drawing on her face?
杰玛
如果杰玛在一所真正的学校上学
If Gemma were in real school,
根本就不会有这个问题
this wouldn't even be an issue.
在iPad上
How the hell is anybody
能学到什么东西啊
supposed to learn anything on a damn iPad?
她并不是非得要上幼儿园
She doesn't even have to go to kindergarten.
又没有法律规定这一点
It's not like it's a law or something.
话是没错但我不希望她输在起跑线
Yeah, but I don't want her to fall behind.
好吧那这样
Okay, fine.
你在家教杰玛
You homeschool Gemma.
你那么爱自作聪明
You're a smarty-pants.
维罗妮卡很聪明
你是护士吧维罗妮卡
Wait, so you're a nurse, Veronica?
-以前是 -鬼骗子
- Used to be. - Lying bitch.
没错但我当年被护理学校录取了
Fine... but I was offered a place in the nursing school.
没错但最后却没去成
Fine, but it never happened.
她因在易趣网兜售医药用品被开除了
They fired her for selling medical supplies on eBay.
我♥操♥
Holy crap.
我是个贫民区护士
I'm a ghetto nurse.
让人们到我这儿来
Better for folks around here to come to me
总比去急诊室排十八个小时的队要好
than wait 18 hours in the emergency room.
不不一定要抬高腿
No, no! Always elevate extremities.
滚一边去你这样他会得血栓的
Move before you give him a fucking embolism.
对13至25的男生来说
The nose is the most commonly broken bone
鼻子是最容易受伤的部位
in boys between the ages of 13 and 25.
是啊真有趣但是这老头是谁啊
Uh, that's-that's fascinating, but who's the old dude?
我靠挺严重呀
Eww, that's nasty.
看起来像是带状疱疹
Almost looks like shingles.
疥癣呢是不是
Scabies, maybe?
最近有去林子里登山吗
Been hiking in the woods lately?
改变了饮食习惯你的嗓子疼吗
Changing your diet? Does your throat hurt?
-没有 -应该是荨麻疹
No. Stress rash.
-小维 -我正要给网上的某个自己动手网站