夜间法庭（2023）

Night Court S01E07

Part 3 April 28, 2023, 11:20 a.m.

你好尼尔
Hello, Neil. [ Chuckles ]
把一个书♥记♥藏在女囚区
Hiding a clerk in women's holding--
这是个用烂的把戏了
the oldest trick in the book.
别叫我尼尔
Don't call me Neil.
琳达说我的名字现在是斯威茨（甜）
Linda says my name is Sweets now.
这个男人在骚扰你吗甜心？
This man bothering you, Sweets?
能帮忙打开这门让他出来吗？
Would you please open this door, let him out?
快点出来斯威茨
Come on, Sweets.
我不能我的腿睡着了
I can't. My legs are asleep.
伙计这顿饭最好值得我这么做
Man, this meal better be worth it.
快起来快起来快起来
Get up, get up, get up.
什么...嘿！
What-- Hey!
对不起
I'm sorry.
古尔斯说如果我不帮她
Gurgs said if I didn't help her,
她会告诉所有人我在哪表演单口相声
she'd tell everyone where I do stand-up.
嗯这个威胁对我们来说比你更危险
Well, that's more of a threat to us than to you.
好啊好啊好啊
Well, well, well.
看来佩恩已经变成特勒了
Looks like the Penn has become the Teller.
（Penn & Teller是拉斯维加斯炙手可热的当红魔术组合）
你已经做得太过火了
You have gone too far.
你不能把我和尼尔还有...
You can't lock me in here with Neil and...
这些迷人得女士锁在一起
these charming ladies.
看来今天是琳达得幸运日
Looks like it's Linda's lucky day.
又有甜的又有酸的
Sweets and Sour.
市区六号♥线法庭现在开庭
Six Train Downtown Local is now in session.
由这位尊敬的法官女士主持
The honorable judge This Lady presiding.
好了让我们“法棍"开是吧
Alright, let's "baguette" it on.
法官阁下这位被告在这位女士站起来伸懒腰时
Your Honor, the defendant brazenly stole this woman's seat
厚颜无♥耻♥的抢了她的座位
when she stood to stretch.
而我们都知道规矩...
And we all know the rule--
如果人还在附近那这就还是我的座位
If the butt's still near, I'm a-sittin' here.
别被控方的大城市腔给骗了
Don't be fooled by the prosecution's big-city rhymes.
没错我得承认她很漂亮而且穿着的得体
Yeah, I'll give it to her, she is gorgeous and well-dressed.
但事实是站在我们这边的
But the facts are on my side.
我记得事件发生的时间
I recall at the time of the event,
我很清楚的看到了
I had a clear view of the butt and the seat,
那个屁♥股♥已经离开座位了
and there was separation.
但一般来说一定程度的分离是可以接受的
But surely some amount of separation is acceptable.
也许可以吧但不超过六英寸顶多了
Maybe some separation, but it's six inches, tops.
女士以正义的名义我要征用你的三明治
Ma'am, I'm gonna need to commandeer your sandwich in the name of justice.
这超过了六英寸
It's more than six inches.
反对！这三明治已经被咬了一口
Objection! The sandwich has a bite out of it.
我认可
I'll allow it.
听着我不是不讲道理
Look, I'm not unreasonable.
我也会给老人和孕妇让座
I'd give up my seat to an old lady or someone pregnant.
你这说法很有趣
Interesting you'd say that.
假如我告诉你丽塔怀孕了呢？
What if I told you Rita is pregnant?
没错我有性生活
That's right. I do have sex.
那我问你
Let me ask you,
-预产期是什么时候？ -他们总是弄错
- what's the due date? - They're always wrong.
-性别呢？ -这是个后性别社会
- Gender? - It's a post-gender society.
那你今天午餐吃了什么？
What'd you have for lunch today?
-寿司和大红肠 -显而易见的！
- Sushi and bologna. - Gross!
还有明白了
But also, gotcha.
怀孕的女人是不能吃这些东西的
Pregnant women can't eat either of those things.
好吧我事实上没有做♥爱♥
Fine. I don't actually have sex.
满意了？
Happy now? [ Tone plays ]
陪审团已经做出裁定
The jury has returned the verdict.
而他们裁决怀孕的那位和
And they have decided that the pregnant one
胸大那位应该亲吻
and nipples should kiss.
你们知道吗？还是我来裁决吧
You know what? I'll just rule.
关于地铁座位抢占一案我认为被告...
On the charge of subway seat theft, I find the defendant--
不把车停下！停下...
No. Stop the train! Stop the--
我们还不知道哪个我赢了呢！
We haven't heard which one of me won!
你真走运法官
You're in luck, Judge.
这个法庭有美国大♥陆♥最大的
This court has the largest active VHS collection
现役录像带收藏
in the continental United States.
一旦阿♥拉♥斯加沦陷我们就可以独♥立♥了
And once Alaska falls, we'll stand alone.
哦这里有些不错的电影
Oh, there are some good flicks in here.
那么遥控器在哪？
Now, where's the remote?
因为我喜欢把吓人的片段快进过去
'Cause I like to fast-forward through the scary parts.
-在找这个？ -你们怎么逃出来的？
- Looking for this? - How did you get out?
我用琳达胸罩上的钢圈撬开了锁
I jimmied the lock with the underwire from Linda's bra.
好吧我料到了你们会逃出来
Well, I anticipated your escape,
这就是为什么我安排了龙♥卷♥风♥演习
and that's why I scheduled a tornado drill
马上开始了 3 2。。。
to start in 3, 2--
你忽略了一件事古尔斯
One thing you've overlooked, Gurgs,
我在龙♥卷♥风♥管理办公室有些很有地位的朋友
is I have powerful friends in the Tornado Marshal's office,
所以我把演戏重排到了你生日那天
and I rescheduled that drill till your birthday,
就在他们推出蛋糕的时候
just as they wheel out the cake.
你也忽略了些东西
Something you overlooked is, last year,
去年我许愿我生日那天不要进行龙♥卷♥风♥演习
I wished for no tornado drills on my birthday.
但你现在把愿望大声说出来了
But now you said the wish out loud.
（许愿说出来就不灵了）
你这个混♥蛋♥
You monster.
我可以满足你的愿望古尔斯你也许知道这个地方是如何运作的
I'll give it to you, Gurgs. You know how this place works.
但是关于这些没有人能比我更清楚
But nobody knows it better than me.
那么你应该知道这堵墙后面有根水管
Then you know there's a water main behind that wall,
而如果它不知怎么破裂了
and if it were to somehow break,
清理起来可是相当耗时的
the cleanup would be quite time-consuming.
遥控器在哪？
Where's the remote?
这就是恐怖片段之一
This is one of those scary parts.
古尔斯我不会试图阻止你的
Gurgs, I'm not gonna try and stop you,
因为和建造这个地方的人的妻子不同
because unlike the wife of the man who built this place,
你太爱这栋建筑了不会用斧子砍它的
you love this building too much to put an ax in its chest.
你赢了丹好好享受你的晚餐吧
You win, Dan. Enjoy your dinner.
我祝你的扇贝比艾比知道
I hope your scallops are saltier than Abby's tears
她错过了与花样滑冰梦之队见面后的眼泪更咸
when she hears she missed a chance at meeting ice-skating royalty.
不会有什么扇贝了
There won't be any scallops.
我已经知道了我的个性化菜单
I already know that my personalized menu
会严重依赖于一种濒危物种
will rely heavily on an endangered species.
我一直以来的梦想就是把某种物种吃绝
It's always been a dream of mine to eat the last of something.
嗨我是丹.菲尔丁
Hi. Dan Fielding.
我只想说我非常尊重奥林匹克运动员
I just want to say that I have a great deal of respect for Olympics athletes.
你们能每四年才工作一次...这太不可思议了
Your ability to work only once every four years-- incredible.
现在这是个有风度的人
Now, this is a man with presence.
这是一种庄严和
It's like a daring mix of stateliness
“我藐视一切的”气场的大胆混合
and "I couldn't care less" energy
这真是太激动人心了
that is just so exciting to watch.
嗯他被成为法庭上的坏男孩是有原因的 T
Well, he's known as the bad boy of the courtroom for a reason, T.
热情激♥情♥ 华丽
The passion, the fire, the pageantry.
-你知道的我们就是为华丽而生的 -为了华丽
- You know, we live for pageantry. - For pageantry.
哇哦太棒了
Wow. Wonderful.
所以我能问问你们俩和我们的法警聊了什么吗？
So may I ask what you two were talking to our bailiff about?
她请我们留下来等一下她朋友
She asked us to stick around for her friend,
但是我是说如果每次有法警请我们
but, I mean, if we stayed every time a bailiff
见一下谁我们都答应
asked us to meet someone,
我们就永远没有时间来建立这种非凡的友谊了
we'd never have time to form this remarkable friendship.
还有坦白说我们和关颖珊
Also, full disclosure, we have an early breakfast
（关颖珊，花式滑冰运动员）
还有伊万.麦格雷戈一起很早就吃了早饭
with Michelle Kwan and Ewan McGregor.
(伊万.麦格雷戈，英国演员，出演过《逃出克隆岛》，《星球大战》，《红磨坊》等著名影片）
我是不是说的太多了？
[ Gasps ] Have I said too much?
啊没有没有别担心
Ah, don't-- No, don't worry.
我们会尽快让你们出去
We'll get you out of here so fast
免得你们被指控作弊
that you'll be accused of cheating.
你们知道我在说什么对吧？
You know what I mean?
嘿古尔斯听着我很抱歉艾比来不了
Hey, Gurgs, listen, I am sorry that Abby is gonna not be here.
但是你要知道和你心里偶像见面不总是好事
But, you know, meeting your heroes isn't always great.
我10岁的时候我见了我最喜欢的宇航员
When I was 10, I met my favorite astronaut,
然后她尖叫着咬了我的手
and she screamed and bit my hand.
但我要为她说句话她是只松鼠猴
But in the commander's defense, she was a squirrel monkey.