夜间法庭（2023）

祝冬日的小伙伴们
Happy Chris- wanza- kah Solstice
圣宽光至日快乐
for the winter spirits, everyone.
你忘了节礼日和弗洛伯特婚后的加拿大身份
You left out Boxing Day and Flobert's Canadian by marriage.
要不是大家这么宽容
If we weren't such tolerant people,
我都要去走廊里喝蛋奶酒了
I'd be taking my nog in the hall.
接下来拆礼物
Open my gifts next.
你们为啥都不拆
Why aren't you opening?
露丝·金斯伯格的珍珠项链
Ruth Bader Ginsburg pearls.
而且戴着出过庭的
And they're court worn.
我法学院最刻薄那帮女生的
The criminal records
犯罪记录
of the meanest mean girls in my law school.
哇塞 戴夫&巴斯特的礼品卡
Holy cow. Dave &Buster's gift cards!
那是我最喜欢的餐馆 和商店
That's my favorite restaurant andmy favorite store.
送礼物是我的拿手好戏
Gift giving sorta my thing.
我自从2013年以来毫无败绩
I haven't given a bad one since 2013
那次是我送了表弟去参加摇滚梦夏令营
when I got my cousin that trip to rock star fantasy camp.
我怎么会知道那个地方性病猖獗
How was I supposed to know there'd be so many STDs?
至于丹的最后悬念嘛
And now for the Dan finale!
你得等等了 因为你的礼物还没寄到
It will have to wait because your gift still isn't here yet.
好了 大家去千活儿吧
So I guess we just go work.
等等 等等 我的礼物还没送呢
Wait, wait, whoa, whoa. I haven't given out my gifts.
鉴于你的本性及生活中的表现
Well, I guess we didn't expect gifts from you,
大家应该是没想到
based on your core nature and everything you've done
你也会送礼物
in your life up to this point.
你以为你很懂是吗
Shows you what you know.
刮刮乐彩票 你不用这么客气的
Scratch- off lottery tickets. You shouldn't have.
我猜你差一点就不客气了
And I suspect, almost didn't.
你还在背面签名了
And you signed the back,
谁会不喜欢签名呢
because who doesn't love an autograph?
签名是为了保证我能分到部分奖金
The signature guarantees that I get a cut of the winnings.
你懂的 送的是心意
You know, it's the thought that counts,
赢了钱还是我的
and, well, I think I deserve more money.
我才不信你呢 丹
I don't buy it, Dan.
你跟我们其他人一样
You get caught up in the holiday spirit
被这欢乐的节日气氛所感染
just like the rest of us
我猜每年的这个时候
I suppose there is something magical
一定存在着什么神奇之处 -你笑什么
about this time of year. - Why are you smiling?
虽然这是我想要的 但真发生时 还是有点辣眼睛
I mean, it's what I wanted, but now that it's happening, yikes!
今晚很多人的圣诞节
Tonight, a lot of people's Christmases
都会因你而毁
are gonna be ruined because of you.
我觉得这挺有趣的
And I think that's fun.
但让我说得更喜庆些
But to put it in more festive terms,
在那个圣诞节前夜
Twas the night before Christmas,
整个法庭
and all through the court,
挤满了形形色♥色♥的性工作者和抢劫犯
there were sex workers and muggers, of every odd sort.
酒吧里充斥着喝得烂醉的圣诞老人 扒手和流浪汉
There were pub- crawling Santas and pickpockets and drifters,
两个愤怒礼物交换者 发生了一场激烈的刀战
and a pretty tough knife- fight between two angry re- gifters.
那个爱过圣诞节的那个法官
The festive old Judge, who just loved the season,
用残酷的事实和冷酷的理由击碎了整个夜晚
was crushed all night long by hard facts and cold reason.
她想做鲁道夫 甚至是卡♥通♥版的圣伯纳犬
She wanted to be Rudolph, or maybe a cartoon St. Bernard,
但因为职责使然 她只能一脸严肃 铁面无私
but because it's her job, she had to Grinch it real hard.
不管辩护多么完美 他们都要面临牢狱之灾
Despite a perfect defense, off to prison they'll head.
圣诞你♥妈♥的♥快乐
Merry Chris- wanker- whatever
让那些含糖垃圾点心去死
and all that sugary crap, she said.
瞧 他都作了一首诗
Okay. He did a whole poem.
那家伙绝对喜欢圣诞节
That guy totally likes Christmas!
如果一个孩子为了对付窃贼
When a kid sets a series of elaborate traps
精心设计连环陷阱 那就是《小鬼当家》
to catch burglars, it's"Home Alone. "
如果是成年人对邮差这么做 那就是《电锯惊魂》
When a grown man does it to a Postmate, it's a"Saw" movie.
入狱快乐吧 你个肮脏的畜生
Enjoy jail, ya filthy animal.
我小时候 反着玩过《小鬼当家》
When I was a kid, I reverse Home Alone'd.
我离开了自己的家入 去了法国
I left my family and went to France.
太让我失望了 前三个人竟然都是一套
That's disappointing. The last three guys pulled off
“法官大人 今天是圣诞节的”说辞
the old, "But Your Honor, it's Christmas. "
抱歉没按你的诗走 丹
Sorry to ruin your poem, Dan,
但我完全没觉得被烦到
but this isn't bothering me at all.
你应该把押韵改成这样
Your rhyme should have gone something like
那是个圣诞前夜
™Twas the night before Christmas,
丹是个混♥蛋♥ 他在工作
and Dan was a jerk...at work. "
没人能当场想出那么多韵脚的
There's no way you came up with all that on the spot.
TVOZUUVv VLVVU
政♥府♥诉泰丝·波特一案
The People vs. Tess Potter.
被告被控扰乱治安
The defendant is charged with disturbing the peace.
她试图在商场煽动反对圣诞老人的起义
She tried to lead an uprising against a mall Santa
就因为他们休息时间太长
she accused of taking too many breaks.
法官大人 波特小姐和她女儿
Your Honor, Miss Potter and her daughter
排了三个小时的队
were standing in line for three hours
等着看圣诞老人一眼
waiting to see Mr. Kringle.
对了 我有提过她女儿小脸红的像苹果吗
Oh, did I mention that her daughter has rosy cheeks
说话带着可爱的口齿不清
and an adorable lisp?
这是她第一次过圣诞节
And this is her first Christmas...
补充 在离婚后
since the divorce.
反对 卖♥♥萌
Objection. Pandewing.
我很同情你 但我认为
I sympathize, but I'm not sure
闯进圣诞老人的小房♥子
that the best way to capture the holiday spirit
逼他回去继续工作
is to"bust into Santa's dumb little house
不是一种积极向上的过节方式
and drag his fat ass back to work. "
她不知道圣诞老人的小房♥子
She did not know that Santa's little house
也是他的浴室
was also his bathroom.
我带她见圣诞老人
I needed her to meet Santa
是想知道她想要什么圣诞礼物
so I could find out what she wants for Christmas.
因为她觉得告诉别人就不灵了
She thinks if she tells anyone else, it won't come true.
那是吹生日蜡烛的时候
Those are birthday candle rules.
都是她老爹告诉她的 目的是为了搞我
Her father told her that's how it worked,
然后人家带着新女友和她父母去卡波度假了
to screw with me before he left for Cabo with his new girlfriend
对了 她父母与我同龄
and her parents who are my age.
我知道你过得很艰难
I know you're having a hard time,
但你也给一群孩子造成了阴影
but you also traumatized a group of kids
包括那个派发橙汁的男生
and the free sample guy from Orange Julius.
所以 罚款500美元 -但是 法官大人
So$500 fine. But, Your Honor...
来了来了
·Here it comes!
今天是圣诞节啊
...it's Christmas.
在我妈庭审回来前
Aren't you supposed to be watching me
你都该照看我的吧
until my mom gets back from processing?
你没事的 我得不停刷新手♥机♥
You're good. I got to keep refreshing.
我送礼达人的名头要保不住了
My perfect gift streak is in jeopardy,
因为丹的礼物还没收到
because Dan's present still hasn't shown up.
你给他买♥♥了什么
What did you get him?
他的偶像卡里姆·阿卜杜勒·贾巴尔发来的视频问候
A video message from his hero, Kareem Abdul- Jabbar.
也就还行吧
I guess that's okay.
老葛 我需要你帮个忙
Gurgs? I need a favor.
这是后面一个案子的证人
This is a witness in a case later.
她以为自己是《圣诞礼物的幽灵》
She thinks she's the Ghost of Christmas Present,
我得找人盯着她
and I got to keep an eye on her.
直到你领悟圣诞节的真谛
Until you appreciate the true meaning of Christmasl
直到找人给他做完心理评估之前
Until I can get her a psych evaluation.
你能帮忙照看一下吗 -我爱莫能助
Can you watch her for me? - I'd love to,
我得照看弗吉妮娅
but I've got to watch Virginia.
当然 咱俩也可以换换
I mean, I guess we could trade.
孩子还是妄想幽灵
Kid or delusional ghost?
走吧 穿浴袍的
Let's go, bathrobe.
那孩子真可怜 平安夜被困在这儿
That kid's stuck here on Christmas Eve?
真希望我能做点什么
Oh, I wish there was something I could do.
先别着急难过 你这样想
You know, before you feel too bad, just know that her dad
她爸肯定会梳着玉米辫从卡波回来的
is definitely coming back from Cabo with cornrows.
这一点她不会怪你的
She can't blame you for that.
抱歉 丹 我可听不进去
ABBY Sorry, Dan. I wasn't listening.
我得去拯救圣诞节了
I gotta go save Christmas.
嘿 我觉得你梳玉米辫应该挺好看
Hey. I think you could pull off cornrows.
嘿 你又不是我好朋友
Hey, you re not a good friend.
波特小姐