神烦警探

Brooklyn Nine-Nine S08E08

Part 1 Sept. 5, 2021, 12:03 p.m.

最后我要跟大家说一件私事
Lastly, on a personal note,
诚如你们好几个所知我跟凯文最近复合了
as many of you know, Kevin and I have recently reconciled.
赞哦某人啪啪啪啦
Noice. Somebody's getting some.
的确是有话说之前我们刚结婚时
It's true. I am. Now, when we originally wed,
我们并不知道同志婚姻还能合法多久
we didn't know how long gay marriage would be legal,
所以我们有一点2倍速了事
so we had a somewhat rushed ceremony.
-凯文你愿... -愿意
- Do you, Kevin-- - Yes.
-那你愿... -愿意我愿意
- And do you-- - Yes. Yes, we do.
我们成功完婚了
We're married.
凯文心里一直有点遗憾
Kevin has always regretted it,
所以我们打算办一个誓词更新典礼
so we're having a vow renewal ceremony.
这一次我们要按部就班走完所有步骤
This time, we're pulling out all the stops.
将会是一场铺张豪华的仪式
It's will be a truly extravagant affair.
要铺张到哪种程度呢
Oh, how extravagant are we talking?
-香槟塔吗 -旅行婚礼吗
- Champagne pyramid? - Destination wedding?
明星证婚人吗
Celebrity officiant?
酒席将会有色拉叉
We got the salad forks.
你们敢相信吗用两种叉子耶
Can you believe it, a second fork?
我们把自己当什么皇亲国戚啦
Who do we think we are?
惨了你们已经被豪华度给震傻了
Oh, no. You're shocked at how garish it is.
我不想告诉你们
Now I don't even wanna tell you
我给凯文准备的另一个惊喜了
the other surprise I have in store for Kevin.
我猜猜酒席还会用面包碟吗
Wait, let me guess. You're getting bread plates?
你神经啊我们又没疯
Don't be absurd. We're not crazy.
不是啦我的大惊喜是...
No, the big surprise is...
我要从纽约警局退休了
I'm retiring from the NYPD.
等等
Wait.
你说什么
What?
你为什么要先说色拉叉啊
Why did you lead with the salad forks?
你要离开纽约警队了吗
You're leaving the NYPD?
我醉心工作这件事
My preoccupation with my job
成为我与凯文闹别扭的核心有些时日了
has been a point of contention with Kevin for some time now.
我想让凯文知道我爱他胜过工作
I wanna show him that our relationship comes first.
长官你不能说退休就退休啊
But, sir, it's too soon for you to retire.
我们都还没机会一起办个牛逼的最终大案
We didn't even get to do one final cool case together.
我们最后一次合作
The last thing we worked
还是帮一个孩子找弄丢的手套
was finding that kid's missing mitten.
那案子不是挺美好充实的吗
I thought that was rewarding and poignant.
无聊到爆好吗
It was boring as crap!
不然你想要怎么样的
What were you hoping for otherwise?
我就等你问这句了
I'm so glad you asked.
我们合作追到连环杀人犯游走生死之间
We hunt down a serial killer, stare death in the face,
在最后大战中你救了我的命
and then in the final battle, you save my life
我对你说"我这辈子该怎么报答你"
and I say to you, "How can I ever repay you?"
你回答我"你早已报答完了"
And you say, "You already have."
然后你跳上你的摩托车
Then you jump on your motorcycle,
朝远方驶去从人间消失
drive off, never to be seen again.
我没有摩托车不过我跟凯文
I don't have a motorcycle, but Kevin and I
最近刚买♥♥了卧式自行车
did just purchase recumbent bicycles.
艹♥你♥妈的霍特警监
Fuck you, Captain Holt.
言归正传我已经在办最后的牛逼大案了啊
Anyway, I already have a cool final case that I'm working on.
就是我跟桑迪亚哥过去六个月以来
The police reform proposal that Santiago and I
一直在合作推行的警局改革计划
have been toiling over for these past six months.
天啊我都还没想到艾米呢
Oh, my God, I didn't even think about Amy.
她绝对会很崩溃
She's gonna be devastated.
所以我故意选她不在的时间告诉你们
Which is why I made sure she wasn't here when I told you.
我需要她专心一志推行这个计划
I need Santiago laser-focused on this proposal.
我们等上交了报告之后再告诉她
We can tell her after we turn the report in.
希望你们各位可以先保守这个秘密
Hopefully, you can keep the news to yourselves for now.
长官她是我妻子我不能对她撒谎
Sir, she's my wife. I can't lie to her.
那上次你花1000块买♥♥篮球员
What about that time you spent $1,000
帕特里克·尤因的区块链艺术品呢
on a Patrick Ewing Top Shot?
我没有对她撒谎啊我只是没告诉她
That wasn't a lie. I just didn't tell her.
但她以后会高兴的因为那个艺术品
But she's gonna be happy about it, because that Top Shot
现在已经价值... 惨了
is currently worth--oh, no.
你给我992块我就帮你保守秘密
I will keep your secret for $992.
-成交 -太好啦一起来骗我老婆吧
- Deal. - Great, let's lie to my wife.
你好
Ah, hello.
谢谢你们提早到场帮忙
Thank you for coming early to help out.
因为决定要大肆铺张所以有好多事情要忙
There's a lot to do since we decided to go so over the top.
比如你们看这个餐巾
I mean, look at the napkins.
我们决定要来点奇思妙想风
We're going with a pretty whimsical fold...
纵着叠
lengthwise.
真是有趣...
That is...funny.
原意是要奇思妙想不是搞笑
The intent was whimsy, not humor.
你现在让我好焦虑
Now you have me doubting everything.
雷... 雷蒙德在哪里
Where's--where's Raymond?
好啦我去帮你找他
You know what? I'll go find him.
反正我本来也有事情要问他
I got something I wanna ask him anyway.
你在这里啊你躲着干什么呢
There you are. Why are you hiding?
我就是躲在这看黄♥片♥
Oh, I was just looking at pornography.
我突然有想看一个男人洗澡的冲动
I felt an urgent need to watch some men taking a bath.
什么鬼
What?
好啦被你发现了我在检查我的邮箱
Okay, fine, you caught me. I was checking my email.
这哪里比看黄♥片♥糟糕了
And that's worse than watching porn?
糟糕太多了好吗
Much worse.
不能让凯文发现大喜之日我还在工作
Kevin can't know I'm working on our special day.
但我刚收到一封我在纽约市警总局线人
But I just received an email from my contact
发来关于改革计划的电邮
at One Police Plaza about our reform proposal.
刚好说到这个现在报告都交上去了
Ah, yeah, speaking of that, now that the report is done,
你能告诉艾米你要退休的事了吗
can you please tell Amy you're retiring?
我不想欺骗她
I don't like lying to her.
那你告诉她篮球员区块链艺术品的事了吗
So then you told her about the Top Shot?
不需要啊因为我把那东西拿去交换成
I didn't need to because I traded it for an investment
巨石强森新出的加密货币
in The Rock's new cryptocurrency,
现在价值...
which is currently worth--
天啊巨石币发生什么了
oh, no, what happened to RockCoin?
还不能告诉她事情还没尘埃落定
We can't tell her. Things aren't settled.
高层今天要开闭门会议
The brass is having a closed-door meeting today
讨论我们的改革计划
about our reform proposal, but apparently,
但巡警工会将会说我们数据造了假
the union is gonna claim that we fudged our numbers.
有病吧
That's crazy.
艾米绝对不会数据造假她最爱数据了
Amy would never fudge numbers. She loves numbers.
有时我甚至觉得她爱数据多过爱我
Sometimes I think she loves them more than me.
傻♥逼♥数据它们这么棒
Stupid numbers, think they're so great.
我倒想看看它们让你怀上宝宝
I'd love to see numbers give you a baby.
我现在要检查一下犯罪统计数据
I'm gonna check those CompStat numbers right now.
我现在要来点击这个标题名为
I'm just gonna click on this video link entitled
"杂务工修好老旧门后狂♥操♥客人"
"Handyman fixes squeaky door, fucking customer."
我的老天
Oh, my God.
什么这不对啊
What? This isn't correct.
有人昨晚修改了数据
Somebody changed these since last night.
等等
Wait.
我猜肯定是奥沙利文黑进了系统
I bet O'Sullivan hacked into the system.
你知道这代表什么吗
Do you know what this means?
-他们想要亲手埋葬... -杰克与霍特
- They're trying to kill... - Jake and Holt...
-警员改革计划 -办最终大案
- Police reform. - Have a final case.
是的
Yep. Mm-hmm.
两件重要程度一样的事情
Two equally important sets of stakes.
他要说你们数据造假吗
He claims you messed with the numbers?
那个贱♥人♥
That son of a bitch.
我这辈子绝对不会造假数据
I would never fabricate numbers.
我爱数据
I love numbers.
数据可当不了你孩子的爸爸艾米
Numbers can't be a father to your child, Amy.
-所以我们该怎么办 -我有个计划
- So what are we gonna do? - I have a plan.
我们可以证明奥沙利文改了犯罪统计数据
We can prove that O'Sullivan changed the CompStat numbers
-只要我们找到了这个 -这是什么床吗
- if we find this. - What is that, a bed?
-不那是芝士擦丝器 -这是他的电脑
- No, that's a cheese grater. - It's his computer.
显然我应该让泰瑞来画图
Obviously, I should have had Terry do the drawings.
幸运的是我知道怎么找到他的私人电脑
Fortunately, I know how to find his personal computer