尖叫皇后（2015）

Scream Queens S01E03

Part 4 Sept. 10, 2020, 10:49 a.m.

当你穿上戏服会发生一些事情
Something happens when you put on a costume.
会改变你
It changes you.
一周前艾伦·科恩还是个无名小辈
One week ago, Aaron Cohen was an absolute nobody.
没有朋友也没有女朋友
No friends, no girlfriend.
蒙什教务长选中我
So when Dean Munsch approached me
是因为我身高1.55米是学校里唯一
because I'm five-foot-one and the only guy on campus
能穿进这套服装的人
who could fit into the uniform
这服装是她从冰淇淋摊拿来的...
she ripped off from an ice cream stand...
-你好科尼 -你好科尼
- Hey, Coney. - Hey, Coney.
我想"穿就穿呗"
I was like, "What the hell?"
现在我是校园里的风云人物
Now I'm the top dog on campus.
艾伦·科恩不能约会
Aaron Cohen can't get a date,
但科尼占的便宜可多了去了
but Coney gets more trim than a barbershop.
作为科尼会得到一些特权
See, when you're Coney, you get certain privileges.
当你穿上戏装
When you put on a costume,
你可以为所欲为
you can get away with anything.
谁还管什么牙医学院
Forget dental school.
艾伦·科恩再也不要脱掉这身戏服了
Aaron Cohen is never taking off this costume.
我要开着科尼列车一路走上
I'm riding the Coney train straight to a career
职业吉祥物的道路
as a professional mascot.
不要
Oh, no! No!
不要
Don't!
这个衣柜
This closet
是我生命中最珍贵的东西
is the most precious thing in my life.
珍贵程度等同于我的小妹妹
It's like a second vagina to me.
而你却溜进来劫掠我的衣服
So you sneaking in here and rifling through my clothes
这种侵犯令人发指
is a heinous violation.
你侵犯了我私处
You have violated my closet-vag.
德国著名服装设计师
卡尔·拉格斐是你叔叔
Is it true that Karl Lagerfeld is your uncle
他每年都给这个衣柜补充存货是真的吗
and he restocks this closet every year?
他并不是我的亲叔叔
Well, he's not really my uncle.
我只是叫他卡尔叔叔
I just call him uncle Karl
因为他和我父母关系很好
because he's so close to my parents.
我妈妈是第一批穿上
My mother was one of the first Americans
他惊喜裙的美国人之一
ever to wear his surprise skirt.
她当时才七岁
She was seven.
我还有只舒佩特的试管小猫崽呢
I even have one of Choupette's in vitro kittens.
舒佩特是谁
Who's Choupette?
当然是最时尚的那只暹罗猫啦
His Sacre de Birmanie cat, of course.
她在推特上有4.6万个粉丝
She has 46,000 followers on twitter
还有两个保姆
and two nannies.
世上最幸运的猫咪
Luckiest pussy in the world.
求你妈咪给我讲讲吧
Please, mommy, please tell me everything.
卡尔叔叔每年秋天都会来
Uncle Karl comes here every fall
带着几车衣服让我试
with trunks full of clothes for me to try on.
他喜欢的我就留下
I keep what he likes.
那上一年的衣服呢
And what do you do with the clothes from last year?
烧了
Burn them.
我考虑过要不要捐给慈善机构
I once thought About donating them to charity,
但看着一个穷♥人♥穿着库蒂尔
but there is something so depressing
走在街上就让人莫名抑郁
about a poor person walking around in Couture.
就好像 "抱歉但你穿的那件朗万毛衣
It's like, "Sorry, but that Lanvin sweater
真的不适合在罗伊罗杰斯工作福利女王"
is not appropriate for your job at Roy Rogers, welfare queen."
从小到大我最大的愿望就是当个时尚女孩
Growing up, all I wanted to be was a fashion girl.
结果悲剧就发生了
And then tragedy struck.
所以你才戴上了这个难看的颈托吗
Is that how you got in that hellacious neck brace?
你出了交通事故吗
Was there an accident?
不是重度脊椎侧弯
No. Severe scoliosis.
这会阻碍我的成长
It stunted my growth.
但你和我的体型一样
But you're my size.
也许跟我浮肿的时候差不多
Maybe on a bloaty day.
天哪
Oh, my God.
这太好了
This is perfect.
查德跟我分手
Chad broke up with me
是因为他说这屋里全是废物
because he said this house is full of losers.
但如果我能把你收拾好点
But if I fix you up a little bit,
这屋里也就能少个废物了
there will be one less disaster under this roof.
我也能看起来像个好人
I will totally look like someone nice.
我要把你重新包装
I'm gonna make you over.
谢谢你谢谢妈咪谢谢你
Thank you. Thank you, mommy. Thank you.
但首先
But first...
我需要几个钳子
I'm gonna need some pliers.
你和我那次跟卡帕女孩的谈话效果不错
You know, you and I have talked a good game to those Kappa girls.
我认为目前已经有了很大的改善
And I think it's made a big difference so far.
当然了
And while obviously
我无法宽恕有个连环杀手在校园谋杀学生
I don't condone a serial killer picking off students,
但我得说这种被神经病猎杀的紧张感
I must say the intensity of the experience of being hunted
确实让大家更加团结了
by a psychopath has really bonded them.
只是不知道能不能维持下去
I don't know if it'll stick, though.
这也正是我的担忧
You know, that's been my worry exactly.
所以我们得继续努力
which is why we have to up our game,
做出表率让他们看到两个完全不同的女人
lead by example, show them how two very different women
也可以合作得亲密无间
can work together and get along.
所以你和我要搬进
Which is why you and I are moving
卡帕公♥馆♥住一周
into Kappa House for a week.
等等真的假的啊
Wait, seriously?
琪琪
Gigi.
你的网球打得太烂
You're terrible at tennis.
我要走了
I'm gonna leave.
下午收拾好东西
Pack up your stuff this afternoon.
我们今晚就搬进卡帕公♥馆♥
We move into Kappa House tonight.
还有给你个忠告
And, uh, do yourself a favor.
离我的男人远点
stay away from my man.
韦斯和我算是一对
Wes and I are kind of an item,
我先要的
and I call dibs.
你不能把他当物品要啊
You can't call dibs on a person.
萨姆
Hi, Sam.
吓死你好
Geez. Hi.
-三号♥ -听着
- Number three. - So, listen.
我有事想跟你说
There's something I want to talk to you about.
我觉得我们两个就像一个模子刻出来的
I sort of feel like you and I are two peas in a pod, don't you?
我们都很聪明
I mean, we're both really smart,
我们的谈话都很深刻
and when we talk, it's really meaningful.
等等你是女同吗
Hold on. Wait. Are you a lesbian?
不不不
No. No, no, no, no, no.
我想说的是
What I'm trying to say is,
我觉得我们相处得不错
I feel like we get along really well,
我很希望我们能...成为朋友
and I would like it if we could become... friends.
是好朋友
But, like, good friends.
就像最好的朋友就像...
Like, best friends. Like...
灵魂伴侣
soul mates.
因为我有事告诉你
Because there's something I want to tell you,
而且我只能告诉我的灵魂伴侣
and I can only tell it to my soul mate
因为它太黑暗不能让别人知道
because it's dark, and no one else can find out about it.
你能发誓为我保守秘密吗
Do you promise me you can keep a secret?
能
Yeah.
好吧
Okay.
你知道斯文森吗冷餐那个
You know Swenson? The frozen dinners?
是斯旺森速冻餐中的二流货
They're like the B-list of Swanson frozen dinners.
就是穷♥人♥吃的斯旺森牌
Like Swanson for poor people?
我就是斯旺森家的人
I'm a Swenson.
就是斯旺森牌的创立者斯旺森家族
As in Swenson Swenson.
我家有十亿家产
We're, like, billionaires.
这是好事啊
But that's great.
我觉得这不算是可怕的秘密啊
I sort of don't think that's a terrible secret.
不这不是秘密
No, that's not the secret.
我下面要说的才是秘密
This is the secret.
我爸不是我亲爸
My dad is not my real dad.
是这样的我妈是个疯子
See, my mom is crazy
总觉得外星人在和她对话