尖叫皇后（2015）

Scream Queens S01E05

Part 1 Sept. 10, 2020, 10:49 a.m.

《尖叫女王》前情提要
Previously on Scream Queens...
今天我会正式宣布
Today is the day that I declare my intention
要竞选卡帕公♥馆♥会长一职
to run for president of Kappa House.
你们所有人都危在旦夕
All of your lives are in danger.
里面全是尸体
There are dead bodies.
真的死尸
Real-life dead bodies.
蒙什教务长你必须立刻关闭这所学校
Dean Munsch, you got to shut down this campus immediately.
我们必须立一份人口失踪报告
We have to file a missing persons report.
有人绑♥架♥了扎丹
Someone's kidnapped Zayday.
妞们我们还要出席一场南瓜地里的捐助会
Ladies, we have a pumpkin patch fund-raiser to attend to.
太激动了我等不及要见克里夫·吴了
I am so excited. I cannot wait to meet Cliff Woo.
克里夫·吴是谁
Who's Cliff Woo?
他是派对策划人
He's a party planner.
他策划了香奈儿的甜蜜十六岁生日派对
He did Chanel's Sweet 16.
主题是"让他们吃蛋糕吧"
The theme was "Let Them Eat Cake,"
于是我爹地给我买♥♥下了街角那栋抵押豪♥宅♥
so my dad bought me this foreclosed McMansion down the street,
然后我最亲密的五百位朋友
and, like, 500 of my closest friends
身着十八世纪的礼服盛装参加
came dressed in 18th century attire,
泳池里盛满了鱼子酱泥浆
the pool was filled with this, like, caviar slurry.
午夜时分我们直接一把火把房♥子烧了
And then at midnight, we just burnt the house down.
赶来的救火员其实是脱衣舞男
When the firefighters came, they were actually strippers,
他们最后用香槟灭了火
and they put out the fire with champagne.
姐♥妹♥们♥ 这位就是克里夫·吴
Chanels, this is Cliff Woo.
带我走一遍流程亲爱的
So walk me through this, honey.
正如你们所见
Well, as you can see,
这片地里的每颗南瓜都是纯手工打造的
every pumpkin in the patch is artisanal.
很好
Ooh, good.
我爱长了疣的白色的那几只
Love the warty white ones.
它们跟五号♥没遮瑕霜可用的大脸一样
They look like Number Five when she runs out of concealer.
我们走过正在嘘嘘的
Then we move past the ice sculptures
恶魔小天使冰雕后
of demonic peeing cherubs
没错他们尿的正是伏特加和红牛
and yes, they will all be peeing vodka and Red Bull.
超爱
Love!
就来到了玉米迷宫
And that brings us right over here to the corn maze.
不好意思
I'm sorry.
-什么玉米迷宫 -我知道
- Corn maz? - I know.
但要完全复♥制♥电影《闪灵》里的迷宫
It's just that doing an exact replica maze from The Shining
光是人工费就会严重超支
would have taken us way over budget on man power alone.
我跟你说了钱不是问题
I told you money was no object.
我贼有钱克里夫
I am gross rich, Cliff.
所以赶快给我弄来
So get me, with great haste,
和电影《闪灵》里一模一样的迷宫
my exact replica of the maze from The Shining
包括配套的及膝深残雪
with knee-deep snow drifts.
我尽力而为
I'll see what I can do.
音乐
Okay, music.
开始
Go.
我联♥系♥了亚当·莱文魔力红乐队会来
I contacted Adam Levine and Maroon 5 is in.
很好到你
Great. Go.
好消息是
Okay, well, the good news is,
我联♥系♥到了菲姬的经纪人她会来参加
I talked to Fergie's agent, and she's in.
坏消息是先说清楚这全是我的错
The bad news is - and this is totally on me
我上网搜索了"菲姬的经纪人"
but I Googled "Fergie's agent"
然后跟个英国佬扯了半天
and ended up talking to this British guy
最后才发现他其实是
before I realized his client was actually
约克郡公爵夫人莎拉·弗格森的代理
Sarah Ferguson, Duchess of York.
很抱歉这两位菲女士都会来
So, my bad, both Fergies are coming.
蠢货
So stupid.
到你了
But go.
那个
Okay, so, um,
我没约到齐柏林飞船乐团
I wasn't able to get Led Zeppelin.
-什么 -据说他们有个成员死了什么的
- What?! - Well, apparently, one of them died or something.
五号♥你个没用的东西
Damn it, Number Five.
你知道这其中的利害关系吗
Do you have any idea what's at stake here?
万一黑毛舌南瓜迷宫音乐会
If this Black Hairy Tongue Pumpkin Patch Maze Concert
无法成为本校历史上最轰动的校园活动
isn't the biggest thing to ever happen to this campus,
我会失去卡帕公♥馆♥会长的职务
I will lose the Kappa House presidency
而且查德·雷德威尔会甩了我
and Chad Radwell will dump me.
那个乐队成员70年代就死了不是我的错
Okay, well, it's not my fault that some guy died in the '70s.
不好意思那是谁的错我的吗
Excuse me? Then whose fault is it, mine?
我受够这些借口了五号♥
I am tired of the excuses, Number Five.
我受够了你这苦逼的
I am tired of your sad-sack,
"老娘就是个悲催鬼"的可笑嘴脸
I'm-a-total-downer-all-the-time schtick.
我让你重聚一个
I ask you to reunite
传奇摇滚天团
one legendary rock and roll outfit
好让大家来我的南瓜地
so that guys will show up to my patch,
你却满口"有个成员死了啊"
and you're all like, "Oh, some guy died."
我受够了
I'm over it!
我们还有一件事要做
We still have one more thing to do.
我的天啊
Oh, my God,
你怎么这么抑郁
why are you so depressed?
我老公在达拉斯被枪杀了蠢货
My husband was shot in Dallas, idiot.
今年的万圣节
For this year's Halloween,
香奈儿们将打扮成被谋杀的总统遗孀们
the Chanels will be going as the wives of fallen presidents.
我是杰奎琳·肯尼迪
I am Jackie Kennedy.
六号♥ 你打扮成神经脆弱
Number Six, you will be going
玻璃心的艾达·麦金利
as the emotionally fragile Ida McKinley,
她老公被一名无政♥府♥主义者枪杀
whose husband was felled by an anarchist's bullet.
三号♥
Number Three,
你将打扮成家居又虔诚的卢克丽霞·加菲尔德
you will be going as homely and religious Lucretia Garfield,
詹姆斯·加菲尔德总理的遗孀
the bereaved wife of President James Garfield.
等等没门
Hold up. No way.
凭什么我得走家居风
Why do I have to be the homely one?
被谋杀的总统一共就那么几个三号♥
There's only so many murdered presidents, Number Three.
玛丽·托德·林肯呢
What about Mary Todd Lincoln?
很明显五号♥才是林肯夫人
Chanel #5 is Lady Lincoln, obvi.
等下什么叫"很明显"
Wait, what do you mean, obvi?
等一下疯婆子
Just a second, nutbag.
如果你非要不依不饶
If you're gonna be a pain about it,
那我们可以把范围扩大到
I guess we could open it up to presidents
差点被谋杀的总统们
who were almost assassinated,
这样一来你可以是贝蒂·福特
so you can either be Betty Ford,
也就是说你必须喝得烂醉如泥
which means you'll have to get wasted
而且是整晚都烂醉如泥
and stay wasted all night
你还可以扮成传说中的好莱坞情妇南希·里根
or you can be alleged Hollywood mattress Nancy Reagan.
归我了我来做南希·里根
Dibs. I'm Nancy Reagan.
等下为什么我得是玛丽·托德·林肯
Wait, why am I Mary Todd Lincoln?
老天一定要我说出口吗
God, do I have to spell it out for you?
你就是个疯婆子五号♥
You're out of your frigging gourd, Number Five.
你是个变♥态♥的神经质怪胎
You're a weird, psycho lunatic
最后的归宿一定是在哪所精神病院里
who's gonna end up in an asylum somewhere,
盯着墙给洒水壶喂奶
staring at a wall, trying to nurse a watering can.
要是有人扮玛丽·托德·林肯非你莫属
You're a Mary Todd Lincoln if ever there was one.
够了我受够了
That's it! I can't take this anymore!
这语言风格完全就是玛丽·托德·林肯啊
That is such a Mary Todd Lincoln thing to say.
不
No!
我受够你了香奈儿我说真的
I am done with you, Chanel, and I mean it.
你说真的吗五号♥
Do you mean it, Number Five?
因为"我受够你了"这句话你似乎常说
Because you scream "I'm done with you" Kind of a lot,
但你现在仍然站在这里
and yet you're still standing here.
你知道我怎么想吗
Do you know what I think?
我想你知道你的现状顺利
I think you know you have a good thing going.
你一边沐浴在我辛勤造就的璀璨星光里
You get to bask in my starlight as I do all the work
一边在我背后说三道四
and you get to grumble behind my back
唧唧歪歪自己多不被尊重
about how disrespected you are.
你知道你能怎样吗
Well, you know what you can do?
你要么就乖乖打扮成玛丽·托德·林肯
You can either dress up as Mary Todd Lincoln
帮我赢得会长头衔
and help me win this presidency,
要么就收拾行李滚蛋
or you can pack your things and leave.
门在那儿
There's the door.
门在那儿婊♥子♥