极品老妈

Mom S01E07

Part 1 Jan. 4, 2020, 1:27 p.m.

喂
Hello?
你醒着吗
Are you awake?
凌晨两点半
At 2:30 in the morning?
当然醒着
You betcha.
我想我怀孕了
I think I'm pregnant.
老天我为什么要醒着
Oh, God, can I not be awake?
这怎么可能
How is that even possible?
这个问题太伤人了吧
What kind of question is that?
老娘现在正是一朵花的年纪
I happen to be in the bloom of my life.
纳帕谷的一半男人
Half the men in Napa Valley
都曾经采过你这朵花
have been in the bloom of your life.
什么
What?
没什么
Nothing.
你验孕了吗
Did you take a test?
不需要
I don't need to.
征兆全中
I've got all the signs.
月经没来喜怒无常
I missed my period, I'm moody,
乳♥头♥异常地坚挺
my nipples are incredibly angry.
相信我花里面已经结果了
Trust me, there's fruit in these loins.
不要啊
No, no, no.
我女儿和妈妈
My daughter and my mother
可不能同一时间怀孕
cannot be pregnant at the same time.
我没力气应付
I don't have the strength.
请你别这么自我中心好吗
Please don't make this about you.
也许我们在瞎担心
Okay, look, maybe we're worrying for no reason.
明天第一件事
First thing tomorrow morning,
我们和医生约好时间
we'll get you a doctor's appointment
去确定一下
just to be sure.
老天为什么我会碰到这种事
Oh, God, why is this happening to me?
你不是吧
Honestly?
还需要再对你进行性教育吗
Do we need to have the talk again?
我奉献了人生最美好的年华
I devoted the best years of my life
来关爱养育一个孩子
to loving and nurturing a child.
现在应该是我好好快活的日子了
This was supposed to be my time.
老天真想认识下你关爱的那个孩子
Boy, I would love to meet that child.
我得继续睡觉了
Look, I gotta go back to sleep.
但我应该怎么做
But what am I supposed to do?
不知道
I don't know.
拿出日历
Grab your calendar
看看能不能想到孩子他爹是谁
and see if you can figure out who the father is.
你他♥娘♥的♥开什么玩笑
Are you freakin' kidding me?!
你这个满口谎言的贱♥人♥
You're a lying son of a bitch!
你根本没资格在美国行医
You shouldn't even be allowed to practice in this country!
你才他♥娘♥的♥更年期
Menopause, my ass.
做她女儿真够倒霉的
Hate to be her daughter.
极品老妈第一季第七集
你在做什么
What are you doing?
我好热
I'm hot.
回车里来
Get back in the car.
你看起来好像拉布拉多贵宾犬
You look like a Labradoodle.
我觉得我吞了只虫子
I think I just ate a bug.
更年期又不是世界末日
You know, menopause isn't the end of the world.
你当然说得轻松
Easy for you to say.
你依然可以为国王生下皇太子
You can still provide a king with an heir.
现实点好吗
Oh, get real.
你唯一有机会接触到的国王
The only king you've got a shot with
就是大屏幕之王[电视销♥售♥商]
is the King of Big Screens.
我的意思是
All I am saying is
如果我以后碰到了真命天子呢
what if I were to meet someone?
也许是一个比我小想有个家庭的男人
Maybe a young guy who wants a family.
你已经有一个家了
You have a family.
这并不代表我不能尝试拥有更温馨的家
That doesn't mean I can't try for a better one.
想知道未来有什么等着我吗
Want to know what I have to look forward to?
潮热体重增加
Hot flashes, weight gain,
性♥欲♥减少
decreased sex drive,
尿失禁
incontinence.
什么样的男人会要这样的货
What kind of man is gonna want a piece of that action?
我相信肯定有网站
I'm sure there's a Web site
专门面向那些喜欢多汗尿床胖女人的男性
for guys who are into fat, sweaty bed-wetters.
不好意思你觉得这事很好玩吗
Oh, I'm sorry, is this fun for you?
拜托我只是想让你心情好一些
Oh, come on, I'm just trying to lighten the mood.
是很好玩
And yes.
看
Oh, look.
阴♥道♥润滑剂的试用装
A tester tube of vaginal lubricant.
干脆放把枪我崩了自己算了
Why don't they just put a gun in here?
不要只想着坏的一面
Instead of focusing on all the cons,
我们来说说好的方面吧
why don't we try to make a list of the pros?
比如说
Like...
不用再担心避孕的问题了
no more birth control worries.
得了吧如果我曾经
Right. If I were worried
担心过避孕的问题你根本就不会存在
about birth control, you wouldn't exist.
好吧好处不再有经前综合症
Okay. Pro, no more PMS.
那么以后我发疯撒泼时连借口都没有了吗
So now when I'm a bitch I'm just a bitch?
好吧
All righty.
好处
Pro...
你已经进入了人生中
you're entering the time in your life
回馈所爱的人与社区的阶段
when you give back to loved ones and community.
算了吧你现在纯属瞎掰了
Oh, please, now you're just making stuff up.
老天
Oh, God,
我的青春哪里去了
where did the years go?
被你浪费了
You wasted 'em.
我是说
I mean...
一切都会好起来的
it's gonna be okay.
不再也不会好了
No, it's never gonna be okay again.
妈三点钟方向
Mom. Three o'clock.
你还好吗
Are you okay?
不不好
No, not really.
坐摩托兜风你会开心起来吗
Would a ride cheer you up?
想都别想
Don't you dare.
我值得去爽一把
I deserve this.
我想可以
Yeah, I think it would.
好的上来吧
All right. Hop on.
我晚点给你电♥话♥
I'll call you later.
停下你在犯一个很可怕的错误
Stop, you're making a terrible mistake!
别为我担心
Don't worry about me.
为他担心吧
Worry about him.
我就是在跟他说话
I was talking to him!
妈你喜欢割了包皮的男人吗
Mom, do you like circumcised men?
我先把包放下
Um, can I put my purse down
再聊这个话题好吗
before we have this conversation?
如果是个儿子
Well, if we have a boy,
卢克想把宝宝给剪了
Luke wants to get the baby snipped.
不是剪是精简一下
Not snipped, streamlined.
告诉他没这个必要
Tell him it's not necessary.
我的天
Oh, God.
卢克你为什么不和你自己的父母
Luke, why don't you have this conversation
聊这个话题呢
with your own parents?
因为他父母不知道我怀孕了
'Cause his parents don't know I'm pregnant.
慢着什么
Wait, what?
你告诉我他们很激动
You told me they were thrilled
非常支持
and totally supportive.
好吧
Yeah, well...
那句话算是
that was sort of a...
骗你的吧
you know, lie.
卢克你为什么不告诉他们
Luke, why didn't you tell them?
他怕他们
He's scared of 'em.
不我不怕
No, I'm not scared.
只是很复杂
It's just... complicated.
他们不像你这么酷
They're not cool like you.
我妈才不酷呢
My mother's not cool.
慢着