极品老妈

Mom S01E04

Part 1 Jan. 4, 2020, 1:27 p.m.

《极品老妈》前情提要
Previously on Mom...
你没有权利管我和谁约会不和谁约会
You have no right to tell me who I can and cannot see!
你这是什么意思
What are you saying,
难道我们不是一夫一妻制吗
we're not monogamous?
加布里埃尔你结婚了
Gabriel, you're married.
我们一个月上一次床
We do it once a month,
而且我连T恤都不脱
and I don't even take off my T-shirt.
我已经戒酒118天了
I've been sober 118 days.
不用鼓掌
Oh! Don't applaud for that.
这是我人生中最糟糕的118天
They've been the worst 118 days of my life.
我来这里的唯一原因就是
Um... the only reason I'm here
我不想变成我母亲那样的人
is because, uh, I didn't want to turn into my mother.
有些母亲会教女儿烘焙
I mean, some mothers teach their daughters how to bake,
我妈教我如何熬过全♥裸♥违♥禁♥品♥检查
mine taught me how to beat a cavity search
然后依然感觉自己是淑女
and still feel like a lady.
你还好吗
You doing all right?
我不知道
I... don't know.
不好意思
Excuse me.
真不敢相信
I can't believe this!
她怀孕你也有一部分的责任
Hey, you have to take some of the responsibility for this pregnancy.
我教过她了
We had the talk.
我跟她谈过禁欲安全套全说过了
I told her about abstinence, condoms, everything.
你提过口♥交♥是一种应急措施吗
Did you mention oral sex as a work-around?
我的天的确是我的错
Oh, my God, it is my fault.
老天最讨厌这个环节了
Oh, God, I hate this part.
装没事就行
Just be cool.
你在我大腿内侧贴的那些鬼东西
I can barely walk with all the crap
让我路都走不好
you've taped to my thighs.
本来还有可以藏的地方
Well, there was another place to hide it,
但你这人太讲究了
but you're too dainty.
我跟你说了那地方只出不进
I told you that's exit only.
下一位
Next, please.
到我们啦
Here we go.
欢迎回到美国
Welcome back to the United States.
两位出门公干还是度假
Is your trip for business or pleasure?
-度假 -公干
- Pleasure. - Business.
-公干 -度假
- Business. - Pleasure.
重点是能回来我们真是太激动了
The point is, we're thrilled to be back.
上帝保佑美♥利♥坚♥ 我们祖先的国度
God bless America! Home of our ancestors!
爵士乐的发源地
And the birthplace of jazz.
好吧
Okay.
这是谁的包
Whose bag is this?
我妈妈的
My mom's.
不我肯定这是你的亲爱的
No, I'm pretty sure that's yours, honey.
瞧标签上是你的名字
See? It's got your nametag right on it.
但这不是我的包
Yeah, but that's not my bag.
肯定不是我的小姑娘
Well, it certainly ain't mine, muchacha.
看这是什么
Well, what do we have here?
克丽丝蒂
Christy!
你怎么能这样
How could you?!
什么这不是我的包
What?! This is not my bag,
我从来没见过这个东西
and I've never seen that before!
小甜心你在监狱里还没有学乖吗
Oh, sweetheart, did prison teach you nothing?
我从来没坐过牢
I've never been to prison!
我不想对你如何做事指手画脚
Look, I don't want to tell you how to do your job,
检查她的大腿内侧那些货市价8万
but check her thighs-- their street value is $80,000.
妈
Mom!
什么事
What?!
你把我出♥卖♥♥♥给了条子
You sold me out to the Feds!
亲爱的
Oh, honey...
你又喝酒了吗
are you drinking again?
不我刚梦到
No, I just dreamt
你和我从墨西哥贩毒品回国
that you and I were smuggling drugs from Mexico,
事情败露后你让我做替罪羊
and when it went bad, you made me take the fall!
-太可怕了 -本来就是
- Oh, how awful. - It is!
知道吗你小时候
You know, when you were a little girl
做了噩梦我会让你爬上♥床♥和我一起睡
and had a bad dream, I let you crawl in bed with me
直到你不怕了
until you felt safe.
-你以前这样吗 -是的
- You did? - I did.
但你现在已经是一个完全长大的疯女人
But now you're a fully grown crazy person,
所以我会挂电♥话♥
so I'm just gonna hang up!
妈妈
Mom? Mom...?
有那么多事可以理直气壮地吼老妈
Of all the things to yell at my mother for,
我偏偏要挑一件没有发生的事
I had to pick the one that didn't happen.
极品老妈第一季第四集
妈我打电♥话♥来是为了道歉
Hey, Mom, I just wanted to call and say I'm sorry
我吼了你
for yelling at you.
我知道那只是梦但感觉好真实
I know it was just a dream, but it seemed so real.
等等我得吐牙膏泡沫
Hang on. I gotta spit.
总之回我电♥话♥
Anyway, call me back...
除非你想用不理不睬来惩罚我这真是典型的你
unless you're gonna punish me with silence, which is so you.
可能你现在就在这样做
Probably what you're doing right now.
知道吗没用的
Well, you know what? It's not gonna work.
我不会让你影响我的
I'm not gonna let you get in my head.
去死吧
Go to hell!
这事肯定会引火烧身
That's gonna come back and bite me in the ass.
你为什么没换衣服要迟到了
Why aren't you dressed? We're gonna be late.
我的内♥裤♥硬得掉渣
My underpants are crunchy.
什么叫"硬得掉渣"
What do you mean, "Crunchy"?
我不知道出什么事了
I don't know what happened.
昨天还软软的
They were soft yesterday.
亲爱的你不能总是穿同一条内♥裤♥
Oh, honey, you can't keep wearing the same underwear.
换上干净的
Put on some clean ones.
我没有干净的内♥裤♥了
I don't have any clean ones.
你上学前五分钟
And you're telling me this five minutes
才告诉我这种事吗
before you have to leave for school?
我和你一样惊讶
I'm as surprised as you are.
好吧我去看看
All right. Let's go see
能不能找你姐姐借一条
if your sister has a pair you can borrow.
我才不♥穿♥维奥莉特的内♥裤♥呢
I'm not wearing Violet's underpants!
没人会知道的
No one will know!
我知道
I'll know.
维奥莉特你有没有旧的内♥裤♥
Violet, do you have any old underwear
可以借罗斯科穿的
Roscoe could wear?
你说真的吗
Seriously?
你给他的童年阴影还不够吗
You haven't screwed him up enough?
给我个肯定或否定的回答就行
It's a yes or no question.
我的问题也一样
So was mine.
算了我在送他上学的路上买♥♥
Forget it; I'll just buy him some on the way to school.
这让我想起来
Ugh, that reminds me,
我需要钱买♥♥新的牛仔裤
I'm gonna need some money for some new jeans.
我最近真的长胖了太多
I'm, like, seriously bloated lately.
维奥莉特你最近真的怀孕了不少
Violet, you're, like, seriously pregnant lately.
而且你有工作
And you have a job.
要买♥♥牛仔裤用你自己的钱
You want new jeans, spend your own money.
我才不会把钱浪费在买♥♥肥裤子上
I'm not wasting my money on fat pants.
浪费我的你就没意见吗
Oh, so you're okay to waste mine?
我希望...
Well, I was hoping...
听好了朱诺
Listen, Juno...
[著名的少女妈妈电影形象]
你怀孕的那一刻
...the minute you got pregnant,
你就该知道人生已经终结了
life as you know it ended.
那一刻你就要准备好
It's time you got ready
夺走你人生梦想的怪兽马上就要
for the dream-sucking monster which is about
从你的私处破洞而出
to shoot out of your hoo-ha
吞噬你的人生
and gobble up your life!
你是一个可怕的女人
You're a horrible woman.
很快你就会和我一个模样
And soon you'll be one, too!
这里
Ah, here.
干净的内♥裤♥
Clean underwear.
我不想穿这种
I don't want to wear these.