说唱王戴夫

Dave S01E09

Part 3 July 4, 2020, 2:02 p.m.

Oh, that's the one where George Clooney's the fox, right?
不不不《绝命毒师》是电视剧
No-no-no. Breaking Bad is a TV show.
和冰♥毒♥有关
It's, like, about meth.
-你说的是《了不起的狐狸爸爸》 -对没错
- You're thinking of Fantastic Mr. Fox... - Yeah, that's right.
戴夫你不尝尝我做的胡萝卜吗
David, you're not gonna try my carrots?
我从农贸市场买♥♥来的
I got them at the farmers market.
不让戴夫吃胡萝卜不太现实
No, that is a nonstarter for Dave.
他不吃任何水果和蔬菜
He doesn't eat fruits or vegetables.
话说回来
But I'll say this.
我感觉你们对我很欢迎
I feel like you guys are embracing me right now,
-我愿意第一次尝试吃胡萝卜 -来吧
- and I'm willing to try my first carrot. - Do it, man.
我来尝尝像兔八哥拿着的这根
I'll try the typical orange Bugs Bunny one.
为什么看着像巫婆
Why does it look like a witch?
-确实像 -要把末端拔下来吗你们吃末端吗
- It does. - Do-do I take the tail off, or you eat the tail?
-全吃了 -没错
- Yeah, eat the whole thing. - Yeah.
-好吧 -再吃一点
- Okay. - A little more.
没错
Yeah.
很好吃对吗
It's good, right? Yeah?
他真的吃了
He did it.
-我能吐了吗 -不行戴夫
- Can I spit it out or no? - No, Dave.
你妈妈从来没让你吃过蔬菜吗
Your mother never made you eat vegetables?
她说不值得用毁掉自己人生的代价逼我吃蔬菜
She said it wasn't worth ruining her own life.
有道理
Makes sense.
然后她说 "你可以送礼物清单以外的
And then she said, "You can just get something small
小一点的礼物"
off of the registry."
我心想难道你忘了我们送给你订婚礼物
Like, do you not remember the $90 olive oil decanter
是价值90块的橄榄油壶吗
that we got for your engagement?
难道你每天晚上都不会倒橄榄油吗朱莉
Do you, do you not decant your olive oil every night, Julie?
你在听我说吗
Are you listening?
我每天和粉丝互动的十五分钟
I'm almost done with my 15 minutes of daily
马上就结束了
fan interaction.
最近有很多评论说我"性感"
There are so many comments lately about me being "Hot."
我是什么时候完成了从可爱到性感的转变
when did I make the transition from cute to hot?
你能说出那一刻吗
Is there a moment you can point to?
你这整个周末都打算这样吗
Are you gonna be like this all weekend, or...?
我的错粉丝的评论让我有些流连忘返了
My bad, they've been working me late at the Hot Guy Factory;
我都不记得该怎么思考了
I can't even remember how to think.
怎么了朱莉
What's going on? Julie's being
-又对你不好了还是其他事 -是的
- mean to you, or something? - Yeah.
我很抱歉但这周末是她的婚礼
I'm sorry that's happening, but it-it is her wedding weekend.
你只能算了
You kind of have to let it go.
我是没打算追究我只是告诉你一声
I'm let-- I'm letting it go. I'm telling you about it.
说够了把嘴闭上吧
Enough is enough! You need to shut your yap!
你想练习一下演讲吗
Do you want to work on your speech?
-应该但我不想 -好吧
- I should, but I don't want to. - Okay.
-那就让我先检查一下 -不要
- Let me just inspect you for a second. - No.
我不想被检查
I don't want an inspection.
我们能看完《侍女的故事》第二季吗
Can we finish season two of Handmaid's Tale?
我感觉我今天已经见识过足够的女人互怼了
I feel like I've had enough woman-on-woman abuse for one day.
-我明白了 -抱歉
- Oh, I see. - Sorry.
-我知道你想要什么 -是吗我想要什么
- I know what you want. - Oh, yeah, what do I want?
你想让我进入你阴暗的小角落
You want me to get in the nooks and the crevices.
-我讨厌你说"小角落" -你想让我检查一下
- I hate when you say "Crevices." - You want me to inspect--
那你想让我进入阴暗的地方咯
You want me to get in the nooks?
我也不喜欢"阴暗"这个词
I don't like "Nooks," either.
我明白你的小心思
I'm picking up what you're putting down.
告诉你一声我准备好了
And just so you know, I'm ready.
开始吧我已经准备好了
Start it off. Get the ball rolling, I'm ready.
对我做点坏坏的事
Do something to me.
我能感受到你的暗示来吧干我
I-I'm sensing all the cues, I'm picking it up. Fuck me.
我父母就在隔壁
My parents are in the next room.
-干我 -我父母就在隔壁
- Just fuck me. - Just-- My parents are in the next room.
你可以很快地和我来一发真的吗
You can fuck me quick. Really?
就算这样首先你父母没在听
If so, your parents aren't listening, A;
其次我们可以小声做
B, we can do it very quietly.
不需要很剧烈的摩擦
I require very little friction.
是啊听上去也没啥意思
Yeah, that doesn't sound like fun to me.
你知道吗我不用手也能射出来
You know I can ejaculate hands-free?
-我不知道 -你知道这意味着什么吗
- I did not know that. - You know what that means?
-不知道 -这说明我能躺着
- Nope. - That-that means that I can literally lie down...
想着
think...
压♥迫♥我的器官
push my innards out...
在适当的情况下我就能射出来
and in the right circumstance, I will cream.
看来你不需要我了
Well... sounds like you don't need me then,
你自己颅内高♥潮♥去吧
for your, uh, Bluetooth orgasm.
我不是很喜欢这样不过
It's not the preferred method, but... -
看来我也只能这样了
I guess I'll take what I'm given.
现在就算了
I'm not gonna do it right now.
好吧反正我也没担心
Okay. I wasn't worried.
-先酝酿一会 -好吧
- I'm gonna let the cream brew. - Mm-kay.
这合同真的很诱人戴夫
This is a really good deal, Dave.
-我认为我们应该接下 -我也不知道
- I think we should take it. - I don't know, man.
20万买♥♥断我的第一张专辑和样歌♥
200 grand for my whole catalog and my first album?
戴夫就是这样好吗
Yes, Dave, that's how deals work, okay?
哥们我先和你说清楚
And just to be clear, dude,
他们打算花20万
they're offering you $200,000
就为了买♥♥你的第一张专辑和那两首关于你鸡♥巴♥的歌♥
for two songs about your penis and your first album, okay?
我都不敢相信
I can't believe we're having a conversation
-我们现在居然还在商量这个 -好吧
- about this right now. - All right,
我需要你再多找几家公♥司♥
I need you to turn over a few more stones.
找到最理想的那家好吗
Get it to the ideal place, okay?
好的哥们
Okay, bud.
我会继续找没问题
I'll keep turning over stones. You got it.
好好找
Turn it over.
早上好亲爱的
Good morning, my little cherub.
准备好远足了吗
Are you ready to hike?
一定要去吗
I-- This is a required activity?
-戴夫 -我开玩笑呢
- Dave... - I'm just joking.
我全家人都去了所有人都得到齐
My whole family is going. This is a whole thing.
那我最好赶紧准备好
Well, then, I'd better saddle on up,
因为我要去远足了
'cause I got a hike to hike.
好谢了
Okay, thank you.
在远足期间我有没有机会
Is this the type of thing where I could potentially
骑个马
hop on a horse?
或者骑上牦牛
Or maybe even, like, ride a yak?
-天哪 -又怎么了
- Jesus Christ. - What is wrong now?
这里都没什么像样的落脚点我越走越慢了
There's terrible footing out here, and I lost my step.
这远足真够累人的
This hike is so robust,
我都快脱水了
and I'm, like, very close to being out of water, so...
戴夫这只是远足你可以习惯的
Okay, Dave, it's a hike. So you can get a grip.
去他妈的远足我就这么说
Fuck hikes. I'm saying it right now.
去他妈的远足这用来当歌♥名还挺有意思的
Uh, fuck hikes. That's actually an interesting song title.
《去他妈的远足》
"Fuck Hikes."
♪去他妈的远足♪
♪ Fuck hikes, fuck hikes ♪
♪让老子背疼的要命♪
♪ They really hurt my back ♪
♪等等去他妈的远足♪
♪ Wait, fuck hikes, huh, fuck hikes ♪
♪我宁愿去骑牦牛♪
♪ I'd rather ride a yak. ♪
你知道刚刚听上去就像你在说
You know, you know it sounds like you're saying,
"去他妈的犹太人" 对吗而且还要更难听
"Fuck Jews," Right? But, like, worse?
怎么会像"去他妈的犹太人" 我说的明明是远足
How am I saying "Fuck Jews"? Fuck hikes.
去他妈的远足
"Fuck hikes"
天哪这种谩骂能大卖♥♥ 等等
Oh, my God. Controversy sells, so, you know...
-戴夫 -我得记下来
- Dave... - I got to write this down.
-不行你过来 -我得记下来
- No, come on. - Got to write-- I got to write it down.
你说什么呢我得记下来
What are you talking about? I got to write this down.
每三个月我才能来一次灵感
I get one good idea every three months.
好吧如果你现在有灵感
Okay, if you're feeling creative,
能不能谈谈我的演讲
can we talk about my speech?
你现在想在远足的时候动脑筋了是吗
So now you want to brainstorm on the hike, huh?
当然谈谈吧你的进度怎么样了
Of course, let's... where you at with it? Let's talk about it.
-我啥也没想到 -真的吗一点进展也没有好吧