说唱王戴夫

Dave S01E08

Part 5 July 4, 2020, 2:01 p.m.

没错我完全知道是怎么回事
Yeah, I totally know what's up.
-真不可思议 -是啊
- This is amazing. - Yeah, yeah, yeah.
你看上去
You seem...
就像个最差劲的废物
like you're the worst.
我迷惑了你刚刚还超级酷的
I-I'm confused. 'Cause you were being super cool
但现在突然变成了大贱♥人♥
and now you're being a huge bitch.
是不是我错过了什么
Did I, did I miss something somewhere?
-是的你忘了一件事 -什么
- Yeah, you missed the part... - What was that?
你就是个彻头彻尾的混♥蛋♥
where you were just a full-blown douchebag.
我知道是怎么回事了
I see where this is going.
是不是要给你一个临时演讲台
Do we have a-a soapbox we can get for you?
你会站上去然后告诉我
You gonna, you gonna get up and tell me
男人有多烂是这么回事吗
how much men suck-- is that what's gonna happen here?
不我什么都不想告诉你
No, I-I don't want to tell you anything.
我都不想和你说话
I don't want to talk to you.
-好没关系 -行
- Yeah, no, it's totally cool though. - Yeah.
你就继续保持自我吧
Yeah, you just keep being the way you are.
两个瘪下去的奶♥子♥
Two new deflated balls.
-去你♥妈♥的♥ -去你♥妈♥的♥爱国者队
- Fuck you... - And the Patriots!
-还有爱国者队 -天哪
- And the Patriots. - Oh, my God!
就是这个意思来撞个胸
That's what I'm talking about. Chest bump, baby!
就他妈是这个意思
Fuckin' talking...
-走吧 -走
- Let's go! - Let's go!
天哪
Oh, my God.
我想把他的车刮花
I want to key his car.
-混♥蛋♥ -绝对的
- Douches. - Douches.
天哪
Oh, God.
干了别像个娘们一样
Do the whole thing. Don't be a bitch.
我绝对会
I would definitely
-再生一个孩子 -真的吗
- have another baby. - Really?
当我把梅森从阴♥道♥里挤出来之后
When I pulled Mason out of my vagina,
一种母亲的使命感油然而生
I had this maternal obligation
让我想再生两个孩子
to do the same with my other two kids.
生孩子真不容易
Giving birth is so gnarly.
不体验很不错
No, it's such a good experience.
其实还挺有意思的
It's actually really fun.
我希望我也能生孩子
I wish I could give birth.
什么都
Nothing is li--
就好像你肚子里有个球一样
Like, think, you have, like, an orb in your...
是啊那不是球
Yeah. It's not an orb.
很显然孩子的身体会经常被吸回去
Like, obviously, it must suck in, like, in terms of,
产妇的阴♥道♥口还得大开
like, the vagina being just ripped open or whatever.
但是能带来一条新生命
But to, like, carry life and...
想想一个怀孕的女人
Think about, like, a pregnant woman.
肚子得有多重
All the mass.
有一个男人生过孩子
A man actually gave birth.
你也可以办到
You could do it.
什么
What?
就在几年前
It was a few years ago.
-还上过奥普拉的节目 -奥普拉
- It was on Oprah. - Oprah?
我觉得美国有线电视新闻网肯定会比奥普拉
I feel like CNN would've had that story
-提前知道这个消息 -不这消息好像传遍了
- way before Oprah. - No, I think it was everywhere.
好像上过杂♥志♥封面
I think it was on magazine covers...
这个世界的每一块屏幕上
I mean, any screen in... in, like, the world
-都显示着"突发新闻" -确实没错
- would've been like, "Breaking news!" - It was, it was!
"一切都与之前不同了"
Like, "Everything's different now."
-你肯定... -去你♥妈♥的♥ 我自己查
- You would've... - Fuck you, I'm googling it.
查吧查"男人生孩子"
Yeah, google it-- google "Man gives birth."
上面肯定都是
It should pop up all over the place.
-"男人生小孩" -没错男人生小孩
- "Man... gives birth." - Yeah, a man gave birth.
-不可能 -有个男人生了小孩千真万确
- No. - A man gave birth, 100%.
-不可能 -在2007年
- No! - 2007.
2007年怎么了这根本不可能
2007, what? There's no way.
一个变性人
A trans man.
"一个变性人"
"A trans man"?
一个跨性别者
A transgender person.
跨性别者好吧
Transgender, well...
顺便一提我
And by the way, I'm...
完全
totally...
明白你有跨性别的家人
aware that you have transgender family,
我没有别的意思不过
and I mean nothing by it, but...
为了结束这场争辩
for the sake of this argument,
我真不能生孩子
I cannot give birth.
-你不能生孩子所以 -这才是最根源的问题
- You cannot give birth, so... - And that was the root of the...
就像我说"我想生孩子"
It was like me saying, "I want to give birth."
那我就不和你争了
So I'll let you have this.
谢谢你考特妮·卡戴珊
Thanks, Kourtney Kardashian.
我知道你的全名
Yeah, I know your full name.
不知道你的中间名或者你有没有中间名
Don't know your middle name or if you have one or...
-幸会 -我是戴夫
- Nice to meet you. - Dave.
-我的中间名是玛丽 -我这么问你吧
- My middle name is Mary. - Hey, let me ask you this.
你全家人一下子成为了
What's it like for your entire family
全世界最有名的人这是什么感觉
to be the most famous people in the world at once together?
我宁愿和全家人一起成名
I mean, I would rather do it with my entire family
也不愿意一个人成名
than do it alone.
是啊
Right.
一针见血
Poignant.
顺便一提
And by the way,
如果我能生孩子
if I could give birth, I'd pull it right
我肯定会直接从屁♥眼♥里把孩子拉出来就像你一样
out of my asshole, same way you do.
戴夫
Hey, Dave!
看看是谁想用我的名字混进去
Look who I just found trying to get in using my name.
-什么情况 -怎么样
- What the fuck? - What's up?
你们怎么来了
How-- why are you guys here?
这是贾斯汀·比伯的生日派对
Man, Justin Bieber's birthday party!
他们用了你的名字吗
They used your name?
你奶奶的叔叔也要来吗
Is your grandma's aunt's uncles coming?
要我和门口的人打个招呼吗
Should I alert some people at the door?
如果你愿意我现在就发条短♥信♥给他们
I could text them right now if you want.
抱歉我没有
I'm sorry, I did not...
等等他告诉我你说了什么
Wait, he told me what you said.
他是给我做节拍的人
He's the guy that makes my beats.
好吧好吧
Okay, okay.
说实话你的节拍弱爆了
Honestly, your beats, they suck.
-你打碎了我的梦想 -等等
- You just crushed my fucking dreams. - Wait, wait.
如果你有不错的节拍你为什么
If you have great beats, why don't you,
不发给我
why don't you send them to me?
我又没有你的手♥机♥号♥
I don't got your fucking number, nigga.
我现在就给你
I'll give it to you right now.
天哪你就像我一直想爬的山
Oh, my God, you look like a mountain I want to climb.
他看着都不像醉了
He doesn't even look drunk, man.
天哪
Oh, my God.
他会惹麻烦的
He's gonna be a problem.
等等你从哪儿弄来的
What, where the fuck did you get that?
冰箱里面还有不少
The fridge-- they got some good shit
-好东西 -冰箱你怎么
- in that fridge. - The fridge, what are you...?
这可能都已经放在里面八天了
That could be, like, eight days old or something.
这是海鲜你♥他♥妈♥怎么回事
This is seafood-- what the fuck is wrong with you?
八天那还真是
Eight days? Oh, that's...
好吧别
Okay, don't--
我知道你要说什么
I know what you're gonna say.
他很坚定而且醉得不成样子
He was determined and very fucked up.
我不想让他一个人来
So I didn't want him to come alone and to be completely
-然后把脸丢光 -抱歉
- embarrassing... - I'm sorry.
我一开始就应该邀请你们来
I should've invited you here in the first place.
我居然在乎贾斯汀·比伯怎么想真是蠢到家了
It's so stupid I give a fuck about what Justin Bieber thinks?
-我不能要求多带个人吗 -等等真的吗
- I can't ask for a plus-one? - Wait, really?
是的我爱你我唯一在乎的应该是
Yeah, I love you, I should only care about, like,
我最爱的人会怎么想
what the love of my life thinks.
-真的吗 -真的我爱你
- Really?! Oh... - Yeah, I love you.