说唱王戴夫

Dave S01E03

Part 5 April 5, 2020, 5:35 p.m.

- Take it out? - Please take it out.
"操♥死♥我吧"
A Fuck Me Silly, Da--
我的天为什么这么重
Oh, my God. Why is it so heavy?
上半身呢
Where is the other half?
我的天
Oh, my God!
戴夫你会操这个吗
Dave, do you fuck this?
你问了我三个问题
You know, you just asked me three questions.
为什么这么重
Why is it so heavy?
我猜是因为想要模拟人体
I assume, to simulate humanity.
-我的天 -上半身
- Oh, my God. - Top half?
这我不知道
I don't know anything about that. And...
我们刚刚有一段很美好的性♥爱♥ 你在干什么
We just had great sex. What are you... doing?
你说我们的性♥爱♥很美好
You say we have great sex.
对我来说这种性♥爱♥无法忍♥受
To me, that sex was, like, unbearable!
-就像打仗一样 -无法忍♥受
- It was, like, warfare. - Unbearable?!
没错我在战争中生存与发展
Yeah, I was, like, surviving and advancing.
我觉得我只是生存了下来
I felt like I was just surviving.
我不想谈论你的逼有多湿
I hate talking about how, like, wet your pussy is
-我的鸡♥巴♥有多硬 -好吧所以你不喜欢说骚话
- or how hard my dick is. - Okay, so you don't like talking dirty,
-但你却喜欢操一个只有脚的假人 -是啊
- but you like fucking Jell-O with feet? - Yeah.
或许我喜欢是因为它不会要求我做什么
Maybe I like doing it 'cause it doesn't ask anything of me
也没什么可期望的
and it has no expectations.
我♥操♥它的时候不需要玩什么窒息或大喊大叫之类的
I don't have to, like, choke it or yell at it as I fuck it.
我抽♥插♥完射完就结束了
I can just be in and out and do my business.
我也没让你做这些事啊对吗
I didn't ask you to do any of those things, right?
我只想让你勇于尝试新鲜事物
I just asked you to be open and, like, try something new.
而且我问过你
And I asked you,
"你对着撸过的最奇怪的东西是什么"
"What's the weirdest thing you jerked off to?"
而你却没想起来这个破人工智能吗戴夫
And this fucking A.I. Bullshit didn't occur to you, Dave?
这不是人工智能
Well, it's not A.I.
而且我不对着它撸管
And I don't, like, look at it and jerk off.
我不会对着它撸管所以我没说谎
I don't jerk off to it. I didn't lie.
没错你和它做♥爱♥
Right. You make love to it.
-我应该这么问的 -这不叫做♥爱♥
- That's what I should've asked. - I don't make love.
-这是柏拉图式的... -行
- It's platonic. It's... - Cool.
和你的人类女友做♥爱♥是无法忍♥受的战争
So, sex with your human girlfriend is unbearable warfare,
而且你还不能容忍♥
and you can't even tolerate having, like,
和我谈谈你想要的性♥爱♥
a conversation with me about sex?
我想弄明白你想要什么
And I-I feel like I'm trying to figure out what you want,
而你却不说实话
and you're just not telling me the truth.
我跟它比少了什么
Like, what am I missing here, okay?
我感觉我像个疯子
I feel like I'm taking crazy pills!
我的鸡♥巴♥天生就烂
I was born with a fucked-up dick!
戴夫你的鸡♥巴♥很正常
Dave, your penis is normal.
你从没见过我的鸡♥巴♥
You've-- you have never seen my dick.
我见过
Yes, I have.
我知道你觉得你见过说实话
I know you think you ha-- honestly, like,
我一直在努力不让你看到
it's my life's work to make sure you don't see it.
我每分每秒都在规划灯光
Like, I spend every moment plotting the lighting
调整角度如果你看过我的鸡♥巴♥长什么样子
and the angles. If you've seen it, what does my dick look like?
长得就是鸡♥巴♥样子戴夫
It looks like a fucking dick, Dave.
现在我知道你没见过了
Now I know you haven't seen it.
-你要走了吗 -是的
- You're leaving? - Yes.
我们在兜圈子
We're talking in circles,
而且很明显你不想和我交流
and you clearly don't want to talk.
我天生尿道缠结
I was born with a tangled urethra.
所以我出生之后他们给我做了个手术
So, when I came out, they did surgery on me.
下面还有伤疤
Okay? There's scarring down there.
我还有天生的尿道下裂
I also have a birth defect called hypospadias
得病率是三百分之一
that one in 300 guys have,
马眼不在龟♥头♥正中间
where the pee hole isn't in the center of the head.
我的马眼在龟♥头♥下面
It's, like-- For me, it's on the underneath part of my head.
我的鸡♥巴♥上还有黑色小点
There were also these small black dots on my dick
看起来像是罂粟籽
that looked like poppy seeds.
我做手术切走了因为太丢人了
I got 'em removed, 'cause it was humiliating.
有一颗罂粟籽被挖得太远了
And one of the poppy seeds got removed too far
切到了根部的下面所以我现在尿尿的时候
on the underside of my shaft, so now, when I pee,
尿会从两个洞里出来就像水枪一样
it's out of two different holes, like a Super Soaker.
所以我坐着尿尿如果不坐着的话
That's why I pee sitting down. If I didn't pee sitting down,
我会尿一身
I would just piss all over my own body.
我在公共场所小便的时候
And when I'm in public and I'm at a urinal,
我用手指堵住第二个洞
I clog the second hole with my finger.
信息量太大了
There's just a lot of stuff.
为什么你之前没和我说过
Why is this the first time I'm hearing about it?
我不知道艾只是没有好机会
I don't know, Al. There was never a great time
把你拉到一边跟你说
to pull you aside and say,
"我的鸡♥巴♥看起来像一堆蠕虫"
"Hey, my dick looks like an old pile of worms."
别走
Don't leave.
给我看看
Show me.
不
No.
我爱你我知道这会让我好受些
I love you. I know it'll make me feel better.
我觉得也会让你好受些
I think it'll make you feel better.
艾首先我软得像只老鼠
Al, first off, I'm soft as a mouse.
我不会给你看这...
I'm not gonna show you this vers...
很简单吧
That was easy.
是
Yeah.
相信我
Trust me.
好挺好
Okay. Cool.
这是个挺着的鸡♥巴♥
That's a stand-up boner.
-我爱你 -我爱你
- I love you. - I love you.
我也喜欢它
I love it.
好
Great.
晚安
Good night.
艾丽
到车♥库♥里来
这是什么情况
What on earth is going on?
惊喜
Surprise!
这是属于你的挤奶台
It's your very own milking table.
你怎么...
How did you...
爬到桌上把鸡♥巴♥插到洞里
Just get on the table, put your dick in the hole
我要从你身上"挤出奶"来
and I'm gonna milk the cream out of you.
这太不可思议了你上网雇人做的吗
This is unbelievable. Did you, like, hire, like, a TaskRabbit to do this?
我一直在想这个问题
Okay, so I've been thinking about it.
我觉得你会看"挤奶台"有关的黄♥片♥
I think that you jerk off to milking table porn
是因为这种做法只关乎那根鸡♥巴♥和那个女孩
because it's just the dick and the girl.
对吗这是你最大的不安感
Right? So it's your biggest insecurity.
这是你最大的恐惧
It's your biggest fear.
也就意味着这是你的终极幻想
Which means it's your ultimate fantasy.
我的天
Oh, my God.
没错
Yeah.
昨晚我们做了我想做的
And, last night, we did what I wanted to do.
今晚我们可以做你想做的
So, tonight, we could do what you want to do.
明晚我们可以做我们想做的
And, tomorrow, we could do what we want.
这才是性♥爱♥ 对吗
And that's intimacy, right?
我好爱你
I love you so much.
我爱你
I love you.
不仅是因为你要给我"挤奶"
Not only are you gonna milk me,
我也要给你"挤奶"
I'm gonna milk you.
我现在命令你脱♥光♥光我要舔你的屁♥眼♥
Mandatory strip right now. I'm eating your asshole.
-现在就来把衣服脱了 -真的吗
- Do it right now. Take off your clothes. - Really?
-全部脱♥光♥ 没错 -我的天
- Mandatory strip. That's right. - Oh, my God.
给我上来我要给你的屁♥眼♥挤奶
Get up there right now. I'm gonna milk your asshole.
我觉得对我来说不能称之为"挤奶"
I feel like, f-for me, it's not milking.
更像是沙鼠和它的瓶子
It-It's more like a gerbil and its bottle.
不管是什么我们来吧
Whatever it is, let's do it.
-我已经准备好乘势而上了 -好
- I'm ready to ride the momentum. - Okay.
♪女生想要什么需要什么♪
♪ What a girl wants, what a girl needs ♪
♪女生想要什么需要...♪
♪ What a girl wants, what a girl n... ♪
我还是停在街上吧
I'm just-- I'm just gonna park on the street.
♪我还是个孩子看着我的鸡♥巴♥♪
♪ I'm still a kid, look at my dick ♪
♪但我这些热门歌♥曲会影响你的孩子♪
♪ But I make these hits that'll shape your kids ♪
♪我要是扭屁♥股♥ 她们就会露出奶♥子♥♪