美式主妇

American Housewife S03E17

Part 1 Dec. 9, 2019, 7:58 p.m.

生日快乐爸爸
Happy Birthday, Dad!
谢谢你们
Thanks, guys.
80岁生日快乐
"Happy 80th Birthday."
安娜凯特这不是我的年纪
Anna-Kat, that's not my age.
猜得挺合理的
Seemed like a reasonable guess.
为什么卡片上的老虎在攻击我
And why is the tiger on the card attacking me?
太多反馈
So many notes.
你到底要不要这张卡
Do you want the card or not?
这是我送的
And this is from me.
CincoNext的99股股票
99 shares of CincoNext.
他们在生物技术
They're doing some really incredible things
做得不错
in the biotech space.
每一股是一分钱
Each share trades at a penny,
但以后有可能是一百万
but over time, they could be worth millions.
或者一文不值
Or nothing.
或几百万
Or millions.
生日快乐爸
Happy Birthday, Dad!
这是一间干净房♥间的券
It's a coupon for one clean room.
我才九岁你的借口是什么
I'm 9 years old. What's your excuse?
怎么了爸总是督促我打扫房♥间我会的
What? Dad's always riding me to clean my room, so now I will.
事实上我很喜欢我现在就兑现
Actually, I love it, and I'm cashing it in now.
现在去打扫你的房♥间
Go clean your room.
见鬼我真的指望你把这张券弄丢
Damn. I was really banking on you losing the coupon.
三个孩子三份礼物全都不到1块钱
Three kids with three gifts all coming in under $1.
那又怎样你的礼物呢
So what? Where's your gift?
妈妈忘了
Mom forgot!
我没有
No, I didn't!
我永远不会忘记我老公的生日
I would never, ever forget my husband's birthday.
我忘了
Okay, I did!
现在冲孩子发火转移注意力
Now lash out at the kids to draw attention away from it.
今天是你们爸爸生日
It is your father's birthday,
你们连早餐都不给他做吗
and you're not even making him breakfast?!
好了好的
All right! Okay. Okay.
谁把你们养大的
Who raised you?!
别回答
Don't answer that!
我准备了礼物但现在不能给你
I have your present, but I can't give it to you yet
因为是惊喜
because it's a surprise.
今晚的惊喜
For tonight.
我就知道
I knew it. ?
你要为我办生日晚宴
You're throwing me the birthday dinner party
你一直承诺的
you've always promised me!
是伙计
Yeah, buddy!
你怎么知道的
How'd you know?!
终于等到成年人的晚宴了
Finally, an adult dinner party.
不是是沙龙
Nay -- a salon, ?
我们要讨论艺术在室内系围巾
where we discuss art and wear scarves indoors!
我求了你好多年现在终于要办了
I've been asking for years, and now we're doing it!
唯一剩下的问题
Now, only question left is...
我戴哪条围巾
which scarf should I wear?
真正的问题是
The real question is,
我用哪条围巾上吊
which scarf should I hang myself with?
美式主妇第三季第十七集
我搞砸了
Guys, I messed up.
我忘了格雷格的生日
I forgot Greg's birthday.
太糟糕了
Ohh! That's bad.
我对塞莱斯特也是这样
I did the same thing to Celeste,
最终导致我们离婚
and that pretty much led to our divorce.
还包括你和不是你老婆的人上♥床♥
Well, that and all the other women you slept with who weren't your wife.
她和我结婚时就知道我是白羊座
Hey, she knew I was an Aries when she married me.
我的天多好的借口
Oh, my God, what a great defense.
你在法庭上说了吗
Did you use that in court?
说了
I did.
但法官是摩羯座
But the judge was a Capricorn, so...
我的天太遗憾了
Oh, my gosh. I'm so sorry.
不要说疯话
No hablo cuckoo.
你和格雷格怎么样
So, what's happening with Greg?
我骗他说我没忘记他的生日
I lied to him about forgetting his birthday,
所以现在我必须为他办晚宴
so now I have to throw him a dinner party.
你们能来吗
Can you two make it?
理查德和我会去的
Richard and I will be there.
只要能离开孩子就行
Anything to get away from the kids.
妈和我们玩棋盘游戏
"Mom! Play board games with us!"
我发誓他们就像不了解我一样
I swear it's like they don't even know me.
我也去
I'm in, too.
介意我带新女友去吗
Mind if I bring my new girlfriend?
她叫克里西是心理医生
Her name is Crissy, she's a therapist,
我真心觉得她可能是我的唯一了
and I honestly think she could be the one.
你在看约炮软件吗
Are you on Tinder right now?
我只是刷刷
Wh-- I'm just browsing.
天啊
Oh, God.
你确定没忘记爸爸的生日
Are you sure you didn't forget Dad's birthday?
这一切看起来都是临时办的
'Cause this all seems very last-minute.
我几周前订的酒席承办商
The caterers, which I ordered weeks ago,
今早取消了
canceled on me this morning.
有谁不相信
Anyone not believe that?
有人吗
Anyone?
我想也是
That's what I thought.
今晚是成年人的夜晚
Now, tonight is an adult night,
就是说你们要上楼
so that means you are all going upstairs
一直等到明天早上
and staying there till morning.
但如果有地震呢
But what if there's an earthquake
耶稣显灵或是人工智能奇点
or a rapture or an AI singularity?
你们唯一能下楼的前提
You are only allowed to come down
就是看见流血了活动性出血
if there's visible blood -- active bleeding.
得装到线以上才行
You got to fill this cup above the line.
好了大家上楼
All right! Everybody upstairs!
记得为爸爸打扫房♥间
Remember to clean your room for Dad.
我打算打扫的天啊
I was going to! God!
那个叫什么来着你睡着了
What is that thing where you've been asleep
许多年后醒来
and you wake up years later
所有孩子都长大了
and all of your kids are grown up
你错过了那些时间
and you've lost all that time?
昏迷
A coma?
昏迷
A coma.
我为我的沙龙准备好了
I'm ready for my salon!
太好了
Great!
因为多瑞丝和安吉拉随时会来
Because Doris and Angela are going to be here any second.
多瑞丝和安吉拉这就是我的沙龙
Doris and Angela? That's my salon?
我要和谁进行知识辩论
Who am I gonna have intellectual debates with?
安吉拉博览群书
Angela is well-read.
她是女同志读书会的
She belongs to a lesbian book club.
她不让我去
She doesn't let me come
因为她觉得我会取笑她们的发型
because she thinks I'm going to make fun of their haircuts.
但她们知道这不是普通晚宴吧
But they know it's not a normal dinner party, right?
因为我要读诗
Because I'm reading a poem!
很快说下如果多瑞丝问起
Hey, real quick -- if Doris asks you
我们上周为什么没去吃晚餐
why we couldn't go to dinner last week,
是因为你的疝气手术
it was because of your hernia surgery.
知道了吗很好
Got it? Great.
我没有疝气你为什么骗多瑞丝
I didn't have a hernia. Why did you lie to Doris?
我不能告诉她事实
I can't tell her the truth.
她家的晚餐最糟糕了
Dinners at her house are the worst!
理查德不是在看手♥机♥就是在讲通勤
Richard is either on the phone or talking about his commute,
多瑞丝一直在勾引你
and Doris hits on you the entire time.
她没有
No, she doesn't.
你为什么要给我疝气
Why'd you have to go give me a hernia?
我不知道
I don't know!
她给我邀请
She sprang the invitation on me.
我怎么继续说谎下去
How am I supposed to keep up this lie?
别提这事别提重物
Just don't mention it. And don't lift anything heavy.
这太傻了