美式主妇

American Housewife S01E01

Part 1 Feb. 16, 2020, 9:30 a.m.

人们说有天流星会撞地球
They say one day a meteor will strike the Earth,
消灭我们已知的生物
obliterating life as we know it,
但这天来得太晚帮不到我
but it's not coming soon enough to help me.
我的邻居胖帕姆
You see, my neighbor, Fat Pam,
放弃这里要搬到佛蒙特州去了
is giving up and moving to Vermont.
她受够了这里的排骨精
She's had enough of the skinnies in this town,
一旦胖帕姆走了我就是第二胖...
and once Fat Pam is gone, I am going to be the s--
安娜凯特不要在院子里撒尿
Anna-Kat! Do not pee in the yard!
妈我想过了
Mom, I've thought about it,
根据原则我拒绝参加
and I refuse to participate
学校的食物募捐活动
in the school food drive on principle.
什么原则
And what principle is that?
西港的流浪汉拥有的东西比我们的还好
Westport homeless people have better stuff than we do.
裸诺曼骑的单车比我们的车还贵
Nude Norman rides a bike that's worth more than our car.
他穿衣服的时候
And when he does wear clothes,
穿的是哈洛伦小姐穿过的羊绒衫
they're Ms. Halloran's cashmere hand-me-downs.
这个叫慈善奥利弗
It's a little thing called charity, Oliver.
这样做对他一点好处也没有
It's the worst thing for him.
裸诺曼不会找工作的
Nude Norman isn't gonna get a job
如果免费奶油玉米罐头任他吃的话
if it's open season on free cans of creamed corn.
我不会骗你
I'm not gonna lie to you --
为了造他我们费了好大的劲
We boned it pretty bad with this one.
奥利弗的人生只有一个目标做有钱人
Oliver has one goal in life -- to be rich.
我们住在康乃迪克州西港市更是雪上加霜
And it sure doesn't help that we're living here in Westport, Connecticut.
在这里
It's the kind of town
人们的房♥子大屁♥股♥小
where people have big houses and tiny butts,
所有白♥痴♥都有船和贵宾狗
where every idiot has a boat and a Labradoodle.
我简单说吧
I'll make it easy for you.
这是贵宾狗在某个白♥痴♥的船上
Here's a Labradoodle on some idiot's boat.
然后就是我们我们是租客
Then there's us -- We're renters.
我们来这里是因为西港有非常棒的公立学校
We're here because Westport has a great public school
针对我们的安娜凯特有特别课程
with special programs for our Anna-Kat...
我在外面尿尿更拿手了
I'm getting great at peeing outside.
袜子没湿
Dry socks.
她可能需要额外的帮助
...who just might need a little extra help.
安娜凯特有点焦虑症
Anna-Kat has a touch of the anxieties.
不是雨人那种焦虑症
Not Rain Man anxiety,
但绝对不会写在家庭通讯报上
but it's not in the family newsletter.
干净了
Clean.
她是我最爱的孩子
She's my favorite.
没错我说了
That's right -- I said it.
我在脑海里说的
I said it in my head.
你要看我的报告检查我的作业
You need to read my report and check my work.
不
Yeah. No.
我负责的是"泪水之路"[美国西进运动]
I was in the charge of the Trail of Tears diorama,
我做完了
which I nailed.
太阳系的作业是爸爸负责的
The solar system project is all Dad.
楼上
Upstairs.
我的老公格雷格在他的自然栖息地里休息
My husband Greg, at rest in his natural habitat.
全世界的妈妈们我问你们
Mommies of the world, I ask you --
如果每天早上我们都悠闲地
what would happen if we all took
拉上半小时的大便会发生什么事
a leisurely half-hour dump every morning?
粑粑落下的扑通声呢
What about the plops?
我不想听到任何扑通声
I don't want to hear any plops.
兔子乖乖不听不听
Easy-peasey chicken squeezie.
是把门儿打开
Lemon squeezie.
我依然可以听到
I can still hear!
没拿到签字前别出来
Now, don't come out until you get those signed.
早餐泰勒
Breakfast, Taylor.
这是泰勒我的大女儿
This is Taylor, my oldest,
一直以来都是笨笨的不起眼的模样
whose life has been one, long awkward phase
直到上周四咪♥咪♥仙女
until last Thursday when the Boob Fairy
来找她
paid her a visit.
我以前也是这样
I used to look like that.
等她生了三个孩子后走着瞧
Let's see what she looks like after three kids.
早上好妈
Morning, Mom.
她成长得真快
She's growing up so fast.
女性用品准备了吗
How are you stocked for feminine things?
我准备了
I'm stocked.
我真的不想再听
And I really don't want to hear
你的裤子上全是血的故事
another one of your bled-through-my-pants stories.
我妈从来没跟我说过这些
Hey, my mother never talked to me about any of this stuff.
我六年级有一半时间
I spent half of sixth grade
都在内♥裤♥里塞了只臭裙子
with a sweat sock in my underpants
觉得我快死了
convinced I was dying.
这是谎话
Yeah, that's a lie.
这是一个我认识的由爷爷养大的
It happened to this Pakistani girl I used to know
巴基斯坦女孩的事
who was raised by her grandfather.
现在要一只宠物猫头鹰合适吗
Would now be a good time to ask for a pet owl?
我想任何时候都不合适
I don't know if there's ever a good time for that.
跟你妈说谢谢她让你来这里
Tell your mom thanks for sending you in here
让我们共度了这么愉快的父女马桶时光
for this quality daddy-daughter toilet time.
好的爸爸
Okay, Daddy.
安娜凯特亲爱的关门
Anna-Kat, close the door, honey.
关门宝贝
Close the door, baby.
安娜算了
Anna-- Ah, forget it.
胖帕姆你为什么要抛弃我
Oh, Fat Pam, why are you abandoning me,
我那快乐加大码肥屁♥股♥的邻居
my jolly, plus-sized, ham-ass neighbor?
老天裸诺曼来了
Oh, God. Here comes Nude Norman.
他没裸呀
He's not naked.
公平来说就裸过一次
Yeah, well, to be fair to him, it was only that one time.
凭着万物的爱我说到哪里了
For the love of all things, where was I?
对了
Oh, yes.
胖帕姆走了后我就会成为
Once Fat Pam is gone, I am going to be
西港第二胖的家庭主妇了
the second-fattest housewife in Westport.
该死的胖帕姆
Damn you, Fat Pam.
美式主妇第一季第一集
祝你今天愉快亲爱的
Have a good day, sweetie.
还记得埃莉医生教你的
Remember how Dr. Ellie taught you
手指偷偷做那个动作吗
to do that little secret thing with your fingers
让自己放松
to relax yourself?
今天试试
Try that today.
好的妈妈
Okay, Mommy.
再见
Bye.
上帝帮帮她
Oh, God help her.
西港妈妈们
Ugh. Westport mommies.
平坦的小腹坚实翘起的屁♥股♥
Flat stomachs, tight, high asses,
碰不到一起的大腿
thighs that don't touch,
还有那讨厌的绿色饮品
and those stupid green drinks.
这下可好
Oh, great.
泰勒不仅是长大了
Not only is Taylor growing up,
还长成了她们中间的一员
but she's growing up to be one of them.
我的全天候工作就是确保
My full-time job is to make sure
我两个孩子少融入一些剩下一个更融入
two of my kids fit in less and one fits in more.
凯蒂
Oh, Katie!
你衣服后面有东西
You have something on the back of your shirt.
那是披萨
That's pizza.
我以为洗掉了
I thought it came out in the wash.
衣服后面怎么会有披萨印
How did you get a pizza stain on the back of your shirt?
老实说
Honest answer?
要么我吃披萨时穿反了
I was either wearing it backwards when I ate the pizza,
要么是现在穿反了
or I'm wearing it backwards now.
现在穿反了
Yeah, now.
我爱你凯蒂
I love you, Katie.
你太真了
You're so real.
你太真了这是西港妈妈暗语
"You're so real" Is Westport Mommy Code
就是说你不该吃那个或开那辆车
for "You shouldn't be eating that or driving that,
我看到你在红灯时解裤扣
and I saw you unbutton your pants at that stoplight."
谢谢你苏珊
Thanks, Suzanne.
再见
Bye.
怎么说姐♥妹♥们♥