无为大师（2015）

Master of None S01E09

Part 2 Sept. 6, 2020, 4:13 p.m.

I heard you want the floor clean.
什么
What?
行了不管你刚刚在模仿哪国的口音
All right, whatever accent you were just doing,
都非常有人身攻击的意味
it's very offensive,
你不仅脏脏兮兮还种族歧视
so you're a racist boo and a dirty boo.
妈哟
Oh, my God.
好吧好吧
There. Fine.
地板
Floor...
干净了
is... clean.
你到底要在这干什么呢
What are you even gonna do there anyway, huh?
这就告诉你
I'll tell you what I'm gonna do.
我要练平板支撑练三十秒
I'm gonna hold a plank pose-- ah-- for 30 seconds.
抱歉
Sorry.
啊
Ah.
那个...咱们得一起动
Which-- Which-- Let's move together, like--
-好 -好
-Okay. -Okay.
好好好了
Okay, okay, there.
你想去椅子那里吗
Do you want to go to the chair?
我不知道啊
I don't know.
我有点累了
I'm kind of tired.
快点完事吧
You should just finish.
我不想射啊除非你先高♥潮♥
Well, I don't want to finish if you're not gonna finish.
好吧你也不一定非得完事
Okay, well, you don't have to finish.
就这么晾着吗听起来有点郁闷啊
Well, neither of us finish? That just seems sad.
好吧继续吧
Okay, then just finish.
没事了
No, it's okay.
我也有点累了
I'm kind of tired, too.
好
All right.
我昨天在美娇园(纽约性用品店)
Hey, so I picked us up a little treat
给咱俩买♥♥了小礼物
at Babeland yesterday.
美娇园啊
Ooh, Babeland?
算是提前的圣诞节礼物
Early Christmas present.
-好奇心被挑起来了吗 -是的
-Intrigued? -Why, yes.
准备好...
Get ready for...
释放者驾到
The Liberator.
这是什么枕头吗
What is this? Is it a pillow?
是块坚实的楔子有了它啥体♥位♥都不是个事儿
No, it's a firm wedge so we can get different angles.
看着啊
Check it out.
你可以把它放到这里
You get the wedge up in here,
然后不同姿势都可以搞定了
and then you can hit these different kind of angles.
看到没
You see?
他们看起来不像是欲♥仙♥欲♥死♥吗
Don't they look like they're having a blast?
等一下我们要这东西干嘛
Wait, why do we need this?
那售货员说这个买♥♥得最好
The guy at the store said it was their best-selling thing.
你干嘛嘲笑它
Why are you making fun of it?
就是个枕头嘛
It's just a pillow.
我们有大概八个这东西了
We have, like, eight of these.
不它不是枕头
No, no, it's not a pillow.
是块性♥爱♥楔子
It's a firm wedge.
停别再说性♥爱♥楔子这个词了
Okay, stop saying "Firm wedge."
好我他妈这就把它扔掉
Fine, I'll throw it in the fucking trash.
等等淡定点
Wait, wait, calm down.
怎么了
What's going on?
你是想增加点情趣吗
Are you trying to spice things up?
是啊我是想增加点情趣
Yeah, I'm trying to spice things up.
因为我们的性生活曾经是那么的干柴烈火
Because we used to have, like, crazy, amazing sex all the time.
你懂的吧
You know?
现在却像例行公事一样
And now I feel like it's pretty routine.
这一下那一下
It's like a little bit of this and then a little bit of this
这里再一下就结束了
and then a little bit of this, and then we're done.
好第一哎哟
Okay, first of all, ouch,
第二谁告诉你
and second of all, who says that going in
能做到不同体♥位♥就能解决一切问题呢
at a different angle is gonna solve anything?
那人说目前为止
All right, the guy said this was
这是他们那里卖♥♥得最好的一款
their best-selling thing by far, okay?
我只是想更性福一点
I'm just trying to improve our sex lives.
好我有办法了
Okay, well, here's an idea.
你能不能每次插♥进♥来的时候
How about you stop rubbing your eye
不要揉眼睛呢
every time you shove your junk in me?
-什么 -你总是这样
-What? -Yeah, you're always like...
很分我心的
It's distracting.
可我的隐形眼镜有时候会干啊
Okay, well, sometimes my contacts get dried, okay?
那就把它们取出来
Well, take them out.
不要那我就分不清我究竟在上谁了
No, because then it would be like I'm fucking someone blurry.
那我们干嘛不把它退了去
Okay, why don't we just go return it
然后一起去选个好的礼物呢
and go pick something out together?
不行我没办法把释放者退掉
No, I can't return The Liberator.
由于一些你懂的原因
Babeland has a very strict return policy
美娇园的退货政策非常死
for obvious reasons.
好吧
It's fine.
那我下次看电视的时候拿它来垫腰吧
I'll just use it for lumbar support when I'm watching TV.
等下你说什么
Wait, what?
现在我终于不用忍♥受腰痛的折磨了
Great. Well, now I'm liberated from back pain.
哦小屁屁线条很美啊
Ooh, nice bumps.
什么
What?
说你屁♥股♥很漂亮
That's your butt.
小屁屁是我小时候想出来的词
Bumps is what I called my butt when I was a little boo.
多谢夸奖
Oh, well, thanks.
你的小屁屁也很美
You have nice bumps, too.
多谢我还是很以它们为豪的
Thank you. I'm quite proud of my bumps.
我有个主意
I have an idea.
我们应该给身体的各部分都起名字
We should name our other body parts.
之前怎么没想到
Why have we never done this before?
你老二应该叫什么
What would your penis be called?
嗯
Um...
-查理曼大帝 -叫查理曼大帝吗
-Charlemagne. -Wait, Charlemagne?
因为他自带气场
Yeah, he's dignified.
懂了
Okay, I see that.
你的妹妹应该叫什么
What's her name?
比阿特丽斯
Beatrice.
比阿特丽斯和查理曼大帝吗
Beatrice and Charlemagne?
嗯我喜欢
All right, I like that.
嗯
Hmm.
我有个想法
Hey, I have an idea.
我们通过玩游戏的方式来保持房♥间的整洁吧
How about we play a game to keep the room clean?
如果你在地上或者椅子上看到我的衣服
If you catch any of my clothes on the floor or on the chair,
我就
I have to have, uh,
我就和比阿特丽斯谈谈心
an intimate conversation with Beatrice.
如果我在地上或是椅子上
And if I catch any of your clothes
看到你的衣服
on the floor or on the chair,
你就要
you have to have...
向查理曼大帝卑躬屈膝了
an intimate little chat with Charlemagne.
嗯听着挺有意思的
Hmm, that's a fun game.
我加入
I'm in.
好的 Duang
All right. Boom.
哇
Whoa!
看看地上多干净
Look at this clean floor!
这主意真不错
It was a really good idea.
啊
Ah!
好的听着不错
All right, sounds good.
待会见
See you then. Bye.
明天要和我朋友Megan一起出去吃饭吗
Hey, can we go get dinner with my friend Megan tomorrow?
她要搬去泰国住三个月
She's moving to Thailand for three months,
我想好好道个别
and I want to say goodbye.
好啊
Sure.
-她去泰国干嘛 -我不知道
-What's she doing in Thailand? -I don't know.
她就想出国住一段时间
She just wanted to live abroad for a little while.
好酷啊
It's pretty cool.
很好
Nice.
抓到了
Busted.
得了吧