无为大师（2015）

Master of None S01E05

Part 3 Sept. 6, 2020, 4:12 p.m.

We come more than anyone.
你昨晚怎么样
Now, what happened to you last night?
那个美食评论家 Nina 领我回家了
That food critic lady, Nina, took me home.
等等 Nina 她结婚了啊
Wait. Nina? She's married.
哥们太恶了吧
Man, that's ratch.
没没没一点都不恶心我什么都没做
No, no, no, I'm not ratch. I didn't do anything.
刚开始我不知道她结婚了
I didn't know she was married.
我一发现就马上离开了
I left as soon as I found out.
这本来可能乱成一锅粥的
You know, that would've been fucked up.
嗯是啊确实
Uh, yeah, it is.
除非他们的婚姻是那种开放式的
Well, unless they have one of those open marriages.
就像Will和Jada那种情况(威尔·史密斯夫妇)
You know, like, a Will and Jada situation.
没就我所知没有这种安排
No, there's no arrangement as far as I know.
但她看起来确实对她的婚姻很冷漠
But she did seem, like, super chill about it, you know?
我的意思是如果我跟她之间只是单纯滚床单
I mean, between us, like, if it was purely a sexual thing,
事情也会弄得一团糟吗
would that be so fucked up to do?
我也不会想跟她组建家庭什么的
Like, I'm not trying to start a family with her or something.
嗯那你在她家有看见
Well, you didn't see any photos of any cute white kids
可爱的白人小孩的照片吗
sitting around, did you?
嗯有啊
Um, yeah.
有好多 Jonathan Taylor Thomas(美国男童星)
There was photos of Jonathan Taylor Thomas
早期的的照片
in his prime all over the place.
没有啦没有孩子
No! No kids.
那如果这种情况
Well, if that's the case,
你可以随便掺和了
you're free to enter the puss.
这么做还是有一定风险的
Mm, that's still a pretty risky puss to enter, though.
(《不忠》2002年电影一对模范夫妻妻子出轨丈夫细心发现约见妻子情人并将其残忍♥杀害)
我可不想最后落得像《不忠》里那家伙的下场
Like, I don't want to end up like that dude in Unfaithful.
她丈夫
You know, the husband,
就像理查·基尔一样(上述电影中丈夫的扮演者美国演员)
the Richard Gere of the situation,
开始怀疑
starts getting suspicious.
就雇摄像师跟踪他妻子
He hires a photographer to follow around his wife.
然后就是他拿着一堆
Next thing you know, he's looking
我和他妻子在一起的照片就像
at a bunch of photos of me and her, just like,
这样这样或者这样
uh, uh, uh, uh, uh.
再然后他就说好啦找到了
Then he's like, "All right, there he is.
就是这家伙
That's the guy!"
最后就是他拿雪球把我砸死
Next thing you know, he's beating me to death
把我卷进地毯里面
with a snow globe, rolling my body up in a rug,
扔进垃圾堆
and tossing me in a landfill.
那电影酷毙了
Unfaithful's dope.
啥你看过啊我刚给你讲了整个情节
What, you've seen it? I just told you the whole plot.
你干嘛不阻止我
Why didn't you stop me?
我喜欢重点概括啊
I was feeling the recap.
好吧谢了
Oh, thanks.
还有个问题人人都出轨
Here's the other thing: everyone cheats.
看见那人了吗
Look at that guy.
他老了而且垂头丧气
He's all old and beaten down.
绝对背着妻子出轨了
He's definitely cheated on his wife.
或者他妻子背着他出轨了
Or had his wife cheat on him.
更可能是后者
More likely the second scenario.
不可能你绝对错了
No way, you're totally wrong.
那是我哥们Benjamin
That's my buddy Benjamin.
他超爱他妻子嗨 Benjamin
He loves his wife. Hey, Benjamin!
这是我哥们Denise 她来参观片场
This is my buddy Denise. She's visiting the set.
嗨
Oh, hey.
你有出轨过吗
Have you ever cheated on your wife?
拜托 Denise 别这样
Hey, take it easy, Denise.
没事这是个好问题
No, that's all right. It's a great question.
绝对这么想过
Definitely thought about it.
谁都想过
Everyone's thought about it.
嗯
Well...
好吧有那么一次
there was this one time, all right?
是个在温尼伯(加拿大城市)的摄影师
It was this camera operator in Winnipeg.
那是个小剧组在片场和她一起的时间挺多的
Small crew, spent a lot of time together with her on set.
绝对开始有感觉了
Tension was definitely starting to build.
然后有个晚上只有我俩
Then one night, it was just the two of us
在一个不咋样的宾馆酒吧
at this shitty hotel bar.
也有卡拉ok
And there was karaoke involved.
我能感觉出来她希望我采取行动了
And I could tell she wanted me to make a move.
就在即将要决定的边缘
Right at the brink of me making that decision...
发生了啥
What happened?
我回屋了
I went into my room.
打飞机然后睡着了
Jerked off. Fell asleep.
真曲折
The twist.
那种情况你只能那么做不是吗
That's what you got to do in that scenario, right?
只有打飞机才能百分之百保证
It's 100% success rate in terms of you
不想再跟别人滚床单
not wanting to have sex anymore after you jerk off.
那你之前说的那些抱抱
But what about all your cuddles
还有那广受你好评的电视剧呢
and your critically acclaimed dramas?
我还以为你和你妻子之间情比金坚呢
I thought you had a rock solid thing.
我是说我也喜欢那些好吧
I mean, I love all that stuff, all right?
但是我和妻子在一起时间太长了你明白吗
But I've been... I've been with my wife for so long, you know?
你最多和别人在一起多久
What's the longest you've ever been with anybody?
两年
Two years.
我和我妻子在一起23年了
I've been with my wife 23 years.
这是20多年了对吧
That's 20 more years, right?
我们滚过太多床单
We've had sex a lot.
可能上千次几千次
Like, in the thousands. Like, in the deep thousands.
我们各种版本都试过了
And we've had every version of sex, right?
一次又一次不同版本地滚床单
Time and time again, different versions of sex.
我们都做过了
We've covered it all.
我们没有新鲜主意了
We have no more ideas left.
看吧
There you go.
不过你干嘛问我这些
Why are you asking me all this stuff anyway?
有个已婚女士想和Dev滚床单
Some married lady wants to have sex with Dev.
和Dev吗
With Dev?
棒啊
That's great.
你打算上吗
You gonna do it?
我不知道
I don't know.
难道你妻子出轨了
Wouldn't you be upset if your wife
你不郁闷么
cheated on you with some dude?
我猜我会觉得有点沮丧
I guess I'd be depressed a little bit, yeah, you know.
但如果你对此一无所知
But what if you didn't know about it
而且她对那男的没感情呢
and she didn't have any emotional attachment to the guy?
或者女的就像我这情况
Or girl, I mean, if this was a Denise experience situation.
所以你基本上只是个假大屌♥
So you're basically like a human dildo.
不是理想的情景但如果我不知情
It's not ideal, but if I didn't know about it,
我也不会太难过
it wouldn't kill me.
完全正确
Exactly.
这就像她去情趣店买♥♥人造阴♥茎♥
So it's like she went to the store to buy a dildo,
但是盒子里是我的小♥弟♥弟♥
but in the package, it was my penis,
而且还挂在我的身上
and it was attached to my body.
我就是个天然人造阴♥茎♥
I'm just a human dildo.
进来
Come.
啊 Dev
Ah, Dev!
见到你很高兴
Good to see you.
欢迎来到Shakespeare的房♥车
Welcome to Shakespeare's trailer.
喵星人一定在这待过
Man, that must have been some cat.
关于这个电影我得给你来个简要总结
I'll run you through the elevator pitch for the movie.
好的
Okay.
什么东西人人都有呢
So what is the one thing everyone has?
我不知道
I don't know.
车
A car.
所以我准备拍一部我来当车的电影
So I do a movie where I am a car.
就像《霹雳游侠》然后你来配音吗
So it's like Knight Rider and you're doing the voice?
不我就是那辆车
Nope! I am the car.
蝙蝠侠有坐骑雷神有坐骑
Batman has a Batmobile. Thor has a Thor-mobile.
我不认为雷神有
I don't think he does.
但在这部电影里我没有车
But in this movie, I don't have a car.
我就是那辆车
I am the car.