无为大师（2015）

Master of None S01E01

Part 1 Sept. 6, 2020, 4:10 p.m.

去死
Oh, fuck, fuck.
怎么呢
What happened?
套套破了
The condom broke.
好吧你有带备用的么
Okay. You have an extra one?
去换新的吧赶紧
Go ahead, put it on. Hurry.
有是有但我都已经整装待发了
Yeah, I do, but, like, I was all up in there.
你有做什么其他避孕措施吗
Are you on birth control and stuff?
没有但你不没射吗
No, but you didn't finish, right?
没事的
It's fine.
嗯但正如你所知
Yeah, but, like, you know,
还是有那么些小蝌蚪
there's those... There's those little guys
等不及大派对开场就冲出来的
that come out before the big party.
你懂的
You know?
我们是不是去吃个事后避孕药比较安全啊
Should we maybe get a pill to be safe?
什么小蝌蚪你是指射之前分泌的那些东西么
Little guys? Do you mean pre-come?
不可能
No, no.
你不可能因为射前分泌物而怀孕的
You can't get pregnant from pre-come.
我有个朋友叫Donald
I got a buddy, this guy Donald...
他和他女朋友滚床单和我们一样情况
him and his girlfriend were having sex... same situation.
她女友怀孕了
She got pregnant.
现在他们有个儿子名字叫Samson
Now they got a kid. His name's Samson.
这个听起来像奇闻轶事
Well, that seems anecdotal.
不是的我认识这家伙
No, no. I know this guy.
他是我的一个朋友
He's a friend of mine.
这就是奇闻轶事的意思
That's what anecdotal means.
你选一个例子
You take one example,
然后把它套用到一切东西上
and you apply it to everything else.
-哦这叫做奇闻轶事啊 -是的
- Oh, then that's anecdotal. - Yeah.
我把它和都市传奇搞混了
I was confusing it with urban legend.
管它了这样如何
Anyway, how about this?
我有个点子
I got an idea.
我们先来Google一下
Let's just Google it now,
但求安心嘛
just for peace of mind.
好吧求安心
Okay, peace of mind. Okay.
-求安心 -好吧
- Peace of mind. Yeah. - Great. Okay.
好的
All right.
在这呢
Okay, right here.
射前分泌物里不含有精♥子♥
"Pre-come does not contain sperm."
好的
Okay.
我在看另一个网页
Um, I'm on this other site,
这里说
and it says,
射前分泌物的精♥液♥是不含精♥子♥
"Yes, the pre-ejaculate fluid itself does not contain sperm.
然而当这些分泌物离开身体的时候
As the pre-ejaculate leaves the body, however,
它或许会捎上之前遗留在
it may pick up sperm from a previous ejaculation
尿道里精♥液♥的精♥子♥
that remains in the urethra."
所以这些家伙就是聚一起
So, like, these other guys are just hanging out,
然后就搭个顺风车
and they just hitch a ride.
但你对上一次射♥精♥是什么时候啊
Well, but when's the last time you ejaculated?
这个嘛
Mm...
我是说今晚稍早前
I mean, earlier tonight.
等一下在酒吧里吗
Wait. At the bar?
不是不是在酒吧里就在我家
No, not at the bar, at my house.
就是这里
Like, here.
这里你懂的就是出门前
Here... Like, you know, before you go out.
如果你是男的你就会这么做
If you're a dude, you do that so you're not...
-我懂了 -超级兴奋
- I get it. I get it. - ...super excited when...
懂了我靠
I get it. I get it. Oh, damn it.
这些小蝌蚪或许在我身体里了
The little guys, they might be in me.
我要吃那避孕药
I want to get the pill.
很好
All right, um,
这个我是否应该叫个Uber或者其他什么的
well, should I call an Uber or something?
-嗯 -好的
- Yeah, yeah. - Okay.
这里有个UberX 大概3分钟距离
Um, there's an uberX that's, like, three minutes away.
这里有个UberBLACK 大概15分钟的距离
There's an UberBLACK that's, like, 15 minutes away.
我是不是就叫uberX啦
Should I just uberX?
-嗯 -好吧
- Yeah. - Okay.
我只是不想让你觉得
I just didn't want you to think
我是因为抠门才叫Ubers
I was being stingy with the Ubers.
好啦没问题的
Okay, that's fine.
好的
All right.
所以Kingston三分钟后到
So Kingston will be here in three minutes.
你好这个
Hello, um...
我和这位年轻貌美滴姑娘
me and this young lady were...
正是
Yep.
就是我想要的谢谢
There it is. Thanks.
这是好牌子货吧还是
Um, is that a good brand or...
这是唯一也是最好的牌子了
It's the best and only brand.
我们就要一盒
Um, yeah, we'll get one of those,
还要啥吗
and anything else?
你想要些零食或者什么其他的吗
You good on snacks and stuff or...
-不需要了 -你确定吗
- I'm fine. - Yeah?
想要什么喝的吗
And you want something to drink?
Martinelli's
Martinelli's?
什么Martinelli's
Martinelli's?
难道你从没喝过Martinelli's牌子的苹果汁
You never had Martinelli's apple juice?
再给两瓶Martinelli's的饮料
And two Martinelli's as well.
千万别我搞定
Oh, no, no. Please. I got it.
我埋单
My treat.
司机大哥介意把收音机关掉吗
Uh, sir, do you mind turning the radio off?
太感谢了
Thank you.
好吧
Okay.
嗯
Uh, okay, yeah.
我们有空再一起喝杯酒或者干点啥吧
Let's, uh, grab a drink or whatever sometime.
当然
Sure, yeah.
很高兴认识你
Uh, yeah. It was nice meeting you.
嗯
Yeah.
保持联♥系♥吧
Um, let's keep in touch.
-没问题 -好的
- All right, cool. - Okay.
-我不 -等一下
- I don't... - Oh, hold on.
好的
Okay.
-不好意思 -我搞定
- Sorry. - Whoa... Wha... I'll get...
好了这还可以吧
Okay. Is that good?
搞定
There we go.
-晚安再见 -再见
- Good night. Bye. - Bye.
===无为大♥师♥===
PLAN B
第一季第一集
然后安全套烂了
And then the condom broke.
我希望她有做其他避孕措施
I hope she was on birth control.
没有但幸运的是我们有B计划
Nope, but luckily, we got one of those Plan B things.
所以现在两个几乎不认识的人
So now two people that barely know each other
不用一起养育一个小孩
won't be raising a human child together.
这酷毙了感谢作为B计划的避孕药
That's dope. Shout-out to Plan B pills.
为什么把它们叫做B计划呢
Why do they call it Plan B?
我是指难道A计划是有小孩吗
I mean, is Plan A having the kid?
那是个糟透的计划
That's a terrible plan.
我认为A计划是你别把自己
I think Plan A is you don't drop a million of your sperm
上百万的小蝌蚪送到一个你不熟悉的人体内
into someone you don't know that well.
-你经历过安全套破裂的囧事么 -见鬼才没呢
- You ever had a condom break? - Hell, no.
但实话实说
But to be honest with you guys,
我几乎不戴因为戴着它感觉怪怪的
I rarely wear them 'cause they feel weird against my guy.
再说我的小蝌蚪数量不多啦
Plus, I have a pretty low count.
你说真的吗
Really?
我花大量时间泡在浴池或者热水浴缸里
I spent a lot of time in spas and hot tubs
我想高温都把我的小蝌蚪们热融化掉了
and I think that high heat melted most of my boys.
噢
Oh.
所以Denise 对于女同志来说
So, Denise, for lesbians,
这个...是不是没有保护措施的?
is there, like, no protection?
你们就直奔主题
You kind of just go to town on the puss?
基本是这样
Basically.
如果她长得美闻起来香的我不介意在下面
If she's looking good and smelling good, I'm down.
我是说还是有保鲜膜和牙套的