无为大师（2015）

Master of None S01E07

Part 2 Sept. 6, 2020, 4:12 p.m.

不可能吧太巧了你那天晚上玩得怎么样
No way, that's crazy. How was your night?
不是特别好
Not great.
想点杯酒都难死了
So it took forever to order a drink there,
晚上回家的时候还踩到了狗翔
and on my way home... stepped in dog poo.
弄脏了我最喜欢的鞋
Ruined my favorite sneakies.
真替你难过
Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that.
是啊多烦人
Yeah. So annoying.
我试着把鞋洗干净
I tried to wash them out,
但是我就是洗不掉那个味
but, um, I just can't get rid of the smell.
然后我试着从网上重新定一双结果他们没货了
And then I tried to order them online... Out of stock.
所以这个周末我就得亲自
So now I got to go to a real store this weekend
上店里去买♥♥鞋了
and buy them in person?
我没有那时间啊
I don't have that kind of time.
你晚上过得怎么样
How was your night?
(BGM: The Slits - I Heard it Through The Grapevine)
无为大♥师♥
第一季第七集
女士们先生们
然后她不得不叫来警♥察♥
And then she had to call the police.
简直了
It's crazy.
我不相信那男的一直跟她到家
I can't believe the guy, like, followed her all the way home.
我以前也被跟踪过
Well, I've been followed before.
真的吗
Really?
是啊有几次了
Yeah, a few times.
几个月前我在超♥市♥
A couple months ago, I was in a grocery store,
有个人开始一直跟着我走于是我就离开了超♥市♥
and this guy started following me around, so I left.
去了一家冷饮店
I went into Smoothie Palace.
他就跟我进去了
He followed me into there.
最后我去了那家宠物商店 Le Petit Puppy
Finally, I had to go to that pet store, Le Petit Puppy,
假装给我的狗买♥♥东西待了三十分钟
and pretend I was shopping for a puppy for 30 minutes
直到他不再跟了
until he finally went away.
噢那家宠物商店是不是有狗狗相机来着
Ooh, is that the pet store where they got the pup cam
用来在线看那些小狗
where you can watch the pups play online?
可以在线喂狗
There's, like, a live feed of the pup pen?
不好意思不应该是这个反应
Sorry, not an appropriate response to that story.
Denise 你曾被跟踪过吗
Denise, you ever been followed?
当然
Hell, yeah.
有一次我自己去看电影
One time, I went to the movies by myself, right?
上座率超低
Theater full of empty seats.
有个男的进来直接坐到我旁边
This dude comes and sits down right next to me,
挺吓人的
being a creeper the whole time.
看完电影之后他居然一直跟老娘到家
Then after the movie, he followed my ass home.
我假装自己的手♥机♥是电击枪才把他吓走的
Had to pretend my cell phone was a Taser just to scare him away.
靠你看的什么电影啊
Damn. What movie was it?
《赖家王老五》(2006年美国爱情喜剧电影)
Failure to Launch.
马修·麦康纳主演的爱情喜剧吗你为什么看这啊
The Matthew McConaughey rom-com? Why'd you see that?
我被跟踪了你居然在这
Okay, after that story, you're criticizing me
讽刺我的电影品味
for my movie choice?
差不多
Kind of.
你是在电影院看的吗
You saw it in the theaters?
什么你看了预告片
What, you see the trailer and you thought
觉得有意思吗
it looked interesting?
第一莎拉·杰西卡·帕克(欲望都市女主)超靓
Okay, first off, Sarah Jessica Parker is bae.
而且你知道的我喜欢多元的文化
And you know I got diverse cultural tastes.
我邀请你去看《同居三人行》(爱情喜剧电影)的时候
Uh, interesting that you'd go see Failure to Launch,
你拒绝了
but when I invited you to see You, Me and Dupree,
然后你去看《赖家王老五》这有点意思
you said, "Nah."
因为我女神
Uh, 'cause my girl
莎拉·杰西卡·帕克不在里面啊
Sarah Jessica Parker isn't in that one.
好吧好吧她在《前女友们的幽灵》里演得不错
True. She did kill it in Ghosts of Girlfriends Past.
那是詹妮弗·加纳
That's Jennifer Garner.
她演得也不错
She killed it too.
听着那都不重要
Look, none of that matters.
大家都知道倘若你是女生
If you're born with a vagina, everybody knows
对付变♥态♥男是她们生活中的一小部分
creepy dudes are just a part of the deal.
是啊男人们有一百万种缘由让你烦的不行
Yeah, there are a million things that guys
但他们自己还觉察不到
have no clue about that are so annoying.
我连其中的一半也没和其他人说过
I don't tell anybody about half of it.
比如呢
Like what?
嗯你还记得咱们去吃早午餐的时候
Uh, okay, so you remember when we went to brunch
咱俩都在INS上发了那张煎蛋饼的照片了吧
and we both Instagrammed the picture of that frittata?
那张蛋饼松软极了
Ooh, that frittata was fluffy as hell.
行了淡定点
Okay, pull it up.
你的评论是什么
What are your comments?
Arnold在下面写
Um, I got one from Arnold.
美味镇人口数量发展中
"Yum town. Population: Dev."
好
All right.
听着我下面的评论啊
Check mine out.
我想颜♥射♥你
"I want to fuck your face"?
谁说的
Who said that?
大概是个有根想日我脸的
Some random person
老二的不明人士吧
with a dick who wanted to use it to fuck my face.
我发的根本都不是我的自♥拍♥
It's not even a picture of my face.
明明是鸡蛋
It's eggs.
这就是为什么我得把账户设为私密的原因
That's why I had to make my account private.
真是糟透了
Oh, man, that's the worst.
跟咱们说说
Listen, tell us something.
绅士般的我们能帮上什么忙吗
What can two gentlemen like us do to help?
我不知道
I don't know.
不干那事么
Don't do that stuff?
别整天追在女人屁♥股♥后面
So don't follow women around,
也别在INS上写
and don't write, "I want to fuck your face,"
我想颜♥射♥你么
on Instagram?
我照做就是了
I'll do it.
但是只是告诉你们一声这事发生事前
Although, just so you guys know, even before all of this,
我一直觉得自己是个女权主义者
I consider myself a feminist.
Arnold 真的假的
Really, Arnold?
女权主义者的思想是
A feminist is a person that thinks men and women
男女平等
should be treated equally.
我完全同意
And I fully support that.
所以哥我是个女权主义者
So, my good sir, I'm a feminist.
哇我很开心你知道这件事
Wow, I'm really impressed you knew that.
哥们我知道好多冷知识
Dude, I know tons of fun facts.
举个例子你知道世界上所有的蚂蚁加起来
For example, did you know that all the ants in the world
和地球上的人类一样重么
weigh as much as all the humans in the world?
我就是说啊如果蚂蚁也有人类的智慧
I'm just saying, if they possessed our intelligence
然后组织一下的话可是人类的劲敌
and could somehow organize, it'd be a fair fight.
我今天要去Craig分类广♥告♥网站上
So I'm gonna pick up that couch
一个哥们那去取沙发
from that Craigslist guy today.
你能和我一起去吗
Can you come with me?
不好意思
Sorry, boo, I got to get back
我得回去拍那个园艺中心的广♥告♥
to the Garden Depot commercial.
我可以陪你去
I could do it.
我魁梧的身体可以为你遮风挡雨
My large stature can keep you safe.
我砍价特别牛可以给你争取到最好的价格
I'm a great negotiator, get you those primo prices.
我可以帮你把沙发搬回家
And I can help you carry it home.
听起来不错
That sounds great.
不过你不用
Though you definitely didn't need
给我三个理由
to provide three reasons.
也没其他人闲得蛋疼想陪我去
Nobody else was itching to go.
我说过的我是砍价高手
Well, like I said, I'm a great negotiator.
做巨人是啥样的体验
So what's it like being a giant?
感觉很爽啊
It's pretty good.
看音乐会的时候视线很好
I always have a good view at a concert.
但想挤进飞机里就比较难了
Planes are tough, though.
当个矮子什么感觉
What's it like being tiny?
还好啦
Oh, it's fine.
能轻松挤进飞机但是看音乐会总是被挡
Planes are great. Concerts are tough.
我想知道咱俩之间有什么共通之处
I wonder what experiences are similar for us.
吃不饱爱不好闻不了
Hmm, hunger, love, bad smells...
老鼠
Mouse!
啥在哪啊
What? What? Where?