无为大师（2015）

Master of None S01E01

Part 2 Sept. 6, 2020, 4:10 p.m.

I mean, there's Saran wrap and dental dam,
但没人去用这些破东西
but don't nobody use that shit.
你床头柜里没准备
You don't have, like,
一抽屉的牙套吗
a drawer full of dental dams beside your bed?
我有些椰子油帮她涂一下就好啦
I got some coconut oil... rub her down with that.
听起来不错啊
Ooh, that sounds nice.
听着无论你怎么做
Look, it don't matter what you do.
没什么是绝对安全的
Nothing's 100% safe.
Kyle Cooper和他女朋友
Kyle Cooper and his girlfriend
有用安全套和做了避孕措施
were using condoms and birth control.
他们不照样有小孩吗
Them jokers still had a baby.
老兄婴儿很让人厌烦的
Dude, babies are boring, man.
这都讲不通的
It just doesn't make sense.
我是说在以前你把小崽子们生出来
I mean, back in the olden days, you'd pop out those bitches,
他们还能干点儿农活
and they would tend to your farm,
但我们不再过着那种农耕的生活方式
but we're not living that agrarian lifestyle anymore.
他们都过时了
They're obsolete.
Dev 你想要小孩吗
Dev, you want kids?
一部分的我是想要的
Part of me is like, "Yeah."
那可以是一段很精彩的人生阅历
It could be an amazing human experience.
很对的
True, true.
但另一半的我会说今晚
But then part of me's like, "All right, later tonight,
我想要吃意大利面
I want to get some pasta."
那么如果我有小孩了我就去不了了
Now, if I have a kid, I can't go.
我要忙着找保姆什么的
I got to scramble to find a sitter or something.
那如果我找不到保姆呢
What if I don't find a sitter, huh?
那怎么办难道我不能去吃意大利面啦
Then what? What, I'm not eating the pasta?
听起来很糟糕啊
That sounds horrible.
尽管这样说我的确认识些还能吃意大利面的父母
That said, I do know some parents who still eat pasta.
那是他们吃的是小孩子的迷你意粉
Yeah, they're eating their little kids' SpaghettiOs.
那可不是新鲜的意大利团子
They ain't housing that fresh gnocchi.
可是你知道他们怎么做吗
You know what the move is, though?
他们在人群里找一个特立尼达人保姆
You got to get one of those Trinidadian nannies in the mix.
你会很舒爽
Then you're straight chilling.
你让保姆做所有繁重的活
You get the nanny to do all the grunt work,
你包揽所有的抱抱和亲亲
you get all the hugs and kisses.
你们知道的 Kyle以前也像我们这样
I will say, you know, Kyle used to be just like us,
聚在一起喝喝酒什么的
hanging out, drinking and stuff,
但现在他稳定下来了
but he seems happier
某种程度上他看起来更开心了
now that he's settled down, in a way.
才不呢老兄 Klye受够了
No, dude, Kyle's done.
他晚上都睡不够
He's not getting any sleep.
那小孩在他家到处拉大大
That kid's shitting all over his house.
他也没空见朋友
He's not seeing his friends.
他都一年多没跟他老婆亲热了
He hasn't porked his wife in over a year.
他完蛋了
He's over.
他的生命笼罩在一片黑暗里了
Dark take on a good friend's life.
他下周末准备为他小孩办个小型生日派对
He is having a little birthday party for his kids next weekend.
你们要一起去吗应该挺有趣的
You guys want to go? Could be fun.
千万别
Hard pass.
你还真的打算去婴儿派对啊
You really thinking about going to a baby party?
到时候会有弹跳屋
There's gonna be a bounce house.
弹跳屋哦
Bounce house.
你能想象到作为小孩
Could you imagine being a kid
能从这些玩意中获得乐趣么
and being entertained by this stuff?
我是说来吧噢这是什么
I mean, come on. Ooh, what's this?
-等我看看 -我还没玩够呢
- Let me see that. - No, I'm not done.
天啊那是传说中
Oh, my God, is that one of those pianos
用脚来玩的钢琴吗
you play with your feet?
马上回来
I'll be right back.
这酷毙了
Cool!
你是Dev吗
Dev?
-嗷嘿Alex -嘿
- Hey, Alex. - Hey.
你在这干嘛
What are you doing here?
我来为我小孩买♥♥点东西
I'm just getting some stuff for my baby.
什么你有小孩啦?
What? You have a baby?
-是的 -这是...你自己有小孩吗
- Yeah. - It's, like, your baby?
嗯
Yeah.
这太疯狂了吧
That's crazy.
那个男人是谁啊就是孩子他爸
Who's the guy that, um... did the... The dad... person?
就是我老公啊 Dylan
It's my husband, Dylan, yes.
Dylan
Dylan.
很好
Cool.
什么时候你们什么时候认识的
When did... When did you guys meet?
我们那事后的一个月
About a month after our thing.
这很好啊
Oh, that's cool.
是的他非常好他是一名律师
Yeah, he's great. He's a lawyer.
他来自康乃迪克州
He's from Connecticut.
我们刚在蒙托克买♥♥了一间房♥子
And we just bought a house in Montauk,
房♥子很好的
which is really great,
因为我们都喜欢户外活动
because we both like the outdoors,
露营远足之类的
camping, hiking, all that.
很好不错嘛
Cool. That's great.
听起来像是一个完美的白人家庭生活
Sounds like a nice white family.
他是黑人
He's black.
啊
Ah.
这也很好啊
Well, that's nice, too.
你知道的对你来说和少数族裔约会是好事
You know, good for you, dating more minorities.
Dev
Dev.
你有听到我刚才为你跳出的肖邦音乐吗
Did you hear me banging out that Chopin for you?
有的嘿 Arnold 这是Alex
Yeah. Hey, Arnold, this is Alex.
Alex 这是Arnold
Alex, this is Arnold.
-你好 -你好（貌似意大利语）
- Hi. - DiGiorno.
Alex来这里给她小孩买♥♥些礼物
Uh, Alex is here buying some gifts for her baby.
真的吗小可爱叫什么呀
Oh, really? What's the name of that cutie?
Lucien
Lucien.
Lucien
Lucien?
你给你小孩起名叫Lucien吗
You named your baby Lucien?
是啊
I did. Yes.
那是我养的蜥蜴的名字
That's my lizard's name.
这世界真小
What a small world.
它最近死了
He passed away recently.
它被一辆雪糕车撞死了
He was run over by an ice cream truck.
悲伤的故事
Sad story.
这...很抱歉太可怕了
Wow, that's... I'm sorry. That's terrible.
谢谢
- Thank you. - Um...
所以你们为什么来这里啊你们有小孩吗
So what brings you in here? Do you have a kid?
没有我们要去一个朋友的小孩派对
No, um, we're going to a friend's baby party,
所以我们只是来买♥♥个礼物
so we're just grabbing a gift.
跳跳屋
Bounce house.
好酷啊
Oh, cool. Okay.
很高兴见到你们
Well, it was really good to see you guys.
对你的小蜥蜴表示同情
And sorry about your lizard.
拜拜
- 'Preesh. - Bye.
再见
Bye.
我不敢相信Alex居然有小孩了
I can't believe Alex has a kid now.
我和她滚过床单
I've had sex with that person.
现在从同一个阴♥道♥里蹦出了一个小孩
And now a baby's come out of that same vagina.
想起来是挺疯狂的
Yeah, it's crazy to think that that baby
这小孩在自己小♥弟♥弟♥之前待过的地方长着
has been in the same spot as my little bud's hardware.
-是挺疯狂的老兄 -谢谢
- It's crazy, bro. - Welcome, guys.
-嘿 -嘿
- Hey. - Hey.
感谢你们的到来
Hi. Thanks for coming.
怎么样啦小寿星
What's up, birthday boy?
那么多的礼物都是给Zach的吗
Wow, are all those presents for Zach?
大爷的我上一个生日只收到Arnold送的开酒瓶器
Man, my last birthday, all I got was a wine opener from Arnold.
我正打算告诉你的
I've been meaning to talk to you about that.
我借用了它然后开这
I borrowed it, and I broke it
高大上的夏布利酒时弄坏了
on this big beautiful bottle of Chablis.
我很抱歉
I'm sorry.
我儿子才一岁他朋友都比你多