无为大师（2015）

Master of None S01E03

Part 3 Sept. 6, 2020, 4:11 p.m.

"Hey, Alice, what the fuck?
已经两天了我等着呢
It's been two days. I'm waiting.
啥你被困在矿井里了吗
What, are you in a mine shaft?
究竟你还去不去那音乐会啊
Let me know about that concert."
这会有所不同
It'd be different.
对我来说真是很难想像
It... Very hard for me to imagine a situation
她看了这样的信息会有什么积极的反应
where she reads that and she has a positive reaction.
为什么你不能像我那样做呢
Why don't you just do what I do?
就给她打个问号♥
Just send her a question mark.
就回个问号♥吗
Like, just a question mark?
是啦就是那样
Yep. That's it.
就像一个轻描淡写的核查
It's like a light check-in.
不兄弟这还有个办法
Nah, buddy, here's the move.
你寄给她一个乌龟的照片
You send her a picture of a turtle
它从一个公文包里爬出来
climbing out of a briefcase.
然后马上写道噗抱歉发错人了
Then quickly write, "Whoops, sorry, wrong person."
你会得到她立即的回复
You'll get an instant response back from her.
就这么神神秘秘的女孩们都喜欢神秘感
It's mysterious, and girls love mystery, brah.
我不知道用这招对付Alice有点冒险
I don't know, it might be a little risky for Alice.
不要这么快就放弃那只乌龟啊
Don't be too quick to dismiss that turtle.
每个人都好奇想知道它要干什么
Everyone wants to know what he's up to.
Denise
Denise!
怎么了呆瓜们
What up, dummies?
我们在讨论我该怎么办
We're debating what I should do
这整个关于Alice的状况你知道吧
about this whole Alice situation, you know?
我发短♥信♥问她有没有时间整整两天了
I texted her about her schedule. It's been two days.
我没收到任何回复
I haven't heard anything back.
所以她不喜欢你
So she doesn't like you.
还有啥要讨论的
What's the debate?
我不懂啊
I'm confused.
嘿
Hey!
你怎么这么悲观啊
Why you got to be so pessimistic?
兄弟她两天都没有给你信息
Dude, she ain't text you in two days,
就意味着她不想去啦
it means she don't want to go.
这是一个非常清楚且毫不含糊的状况
This is a very clear and unambiguous situation.
或者...或者她太喜欢我只是太紧张了
Or... Or maybe she really likes me and she's nervous.
或者她正和三个闺蜜围坐在一起
And she's sitting around with three of her buds
讨论要怎么给这个人回信息
trying to figure out what to text this guy.
这个情节假设怎么样
What about that scenario?
不可能
No.
兄弟她不喜欢你
She doesn't like you, man.
你为啥非要让我的美梦破灭呢
Why you got to crush my dreams?
我想我还是发一个小问号♥吧
I think I'm just gonna send a little question mark.
问号♥？
Question mark?
是Brian教你那样做的吗
Did Brian tell you to do that?
是啊
Yeah.
我告诉你别再采用他给你的建议了兄弟
I told you, stop taking advice from him, dude.
听着这不在于他怎么跟女孩子们发信息
Look, it don't matter what he texts these girls.
所有女孩都爱他
All girls like his ass.
这是真的
It's true.
只是一个轻轻的询问
It's just a light check-in.
就像噢
Just like, "Oh?"
不
No.
当他这么做的时候是很可爱
When he does it, it's cute.
但你这么做感觉就很缺乏自信和难过
If you do it, it's needy and sad.
呃现在我都发了
Well, now I already sent it.
你不早说
Thanks for your timely advice.
Denise 一个疑问
Denise, a query.
如果某人给你发了一张乌龟图片
What if someone sent you a picture of a turtle
它正从一个公文包里爬出来
climbing out of a briefcase?
Arnold 为什么乌龟要从公文包里爬出来
Why is a turtle climbing out of a briefcase, Arnold?
为什么就是咯
"Why?" Indeed.
演唱会开场前24小时
收到你那美女的答复了吗
So you heard from your lady?
不影都没
No, nothing.
明天就开演了
The show's tomorrow.
靠她听起来如此无礼
Fuck that person. She seems so rude.
我百分百同意超级不礼貌的行为
Oh, I 100% agree. It's totally rude.
但现在人都这样
But that's just the way people act nowadays.
啥意思
What do you mean?
这有一段短♥信♥对话
Um, here's a text message exchange
我和几个月前认识的女孩发的
I had with a girl that I met a few months ago.
好吧
All right.
嘿我是Dev 很高兴认识你
"Hey, it's Dev. Good meeting you."
我也是
"You too!"
出去喝点东西吧
"Grab a drink soon?"
好啊周三如何
"Yeah, how about Wednesday?"
周三不行周五吧
"Can't Wednesday, maybe Friday?"
可以啊
"Sure!"
嘿周五了
"Hey, it's Friday.
我们还要去喝一杯吗
Should we grab those drinks?"
之后再没收到这人的音信
I never heard from this person again.
哇我恨这种人
Wow. I hated all of that.
你想听一段我和我老婆之间的短♥信♥对话吗
You want to hear a sample of texts between me and my wife?
今晚你要呆在家里吗
"You want to stay in tonight?"
是的
"Yes."
卧♥槽♥ 这简直是天堂
Fucking paradise.
我从来没这么嫉妒过一些听起来这么无聊的东西
I've never been so jealous of something that sounds so boring.
我爱死了
I love it.
你知道的下班后回到家
You know, after work, I'm gonna go home,
搂着我心爱的老婆
cuddle up with my loving wife and watch three to five hours
看上三五个小时超赞的电视剧然后睡觉
of a critically acclaimed drama, and then go to sleep.
真是太棒了
It's amazing.
你们都看什么呢
What are you guys watching?
噢是英剧神探夏洛克
Oh, this British show, Sherlock.
-我强烈推荐 -嗯
- I highly recommend it. - Hmm.
噢卧♥槽♥ 是Alice
Oh, shit, it's Alice!
认真的吗
Seriously?
抱歉最近真是忙疯了
"Sorry, things have been really crazy.
我觉得明天应该是去不了了
Don't think I can make it tomorrow.
无论如何还是谢谢 XOXO(抱抱)
Thanks anyway, XOXO."
妈蛋
Fuck!
跟你XOXO已经很不错了
XOXO, that's good.
意思是抱抱和亲亲啊
It means hugs and kisses.
不
No.
XOXO是指自己玩儿蛋去吧
"XOXO" Means, "Go fuck yourself."
好吧如果真这样那么
Well, if that's true, then all the letters
我祖母写给我的所有信件结尾都写着
my grandmother wrote me ended with,
自己玩儿蛋去吧奶奶留
"Go fuck yourself. Grandma."
你能相信吗朋友们
Can you believe this, man?
整整三天
I had three days.
她浪费了我所有的时间
She killed all my days.
为什么现在的人这么没礼貌的
Why are people so rude?
我是个人
I'm a person.
我不只是个手♥机♥上的按键
I'm not just a bubble in a phone.
对大家好一点啊
Let's just be nice.
几周前我约了这个女孩
I asked this girl out a few weeks ago.
她什么都没说
She said nothing.
直接忽略我为什么
They give you silence. Why?
你知道吗编点鬼话也好啊
Make some shit up! You know?
呃我要去买♥♥空调
Uh, "I'm going to buy an air conditioner."
呃刚把肉炖上可能要几个小时
Uh, "Just put a stew on, might be a few hours."
牵着十二岁小孩手时被雷劈了
"Got struck by lightning while holding hands with a 12-year-old.
我们对调了身体现在我得去上学了
We switched bodies. Now I got to go to class."
那也行
That'd be great!
回一下信息大家都好
Gets the message across. No one's hurt.
是的但这也是为什么你要用沉默来对待这些蠢蛋
Yeah, but here's why you got to silence these fools, though.
有些人不明白
Some people don't understand
这套再三我很忙的桥段就是拒绝的暗示
the "'I'm busy' three times means no" Code.
听着我认识这个叫Michelle的姑娘
Look, I met this girl Michelle, right?
我对她并不感兴趣
Was not into her.