无为大师（2015）

Master of None S01E07

Part 3 Sept. 6, 2020, 4:12 p.m.

它从我前面跑过去了
It ran right in front of me.
好吧我觉得它不见了所以
Oh, okay, well, I think it's gone now, so...
好恶心
It's disgusting.
你是在抖么
Oh, oh, you seem pretty shaken up.
是啊
Yeah.
你想...想去喝点珍珠奶茶吗
Do you... You want to go get some boba tea?
好的珍珠奶茶
Yeah, boba.
没事的
Okay. It's okay.
嘿
Hey.
黑哥和理发师是怎么个情况
What's up with black dudes and their barbers?
你这么大惊小怪干什么
Why's it such a big deal?
我可以做个黑人理发师啊
I could be a black barber.
不你不行
No, you couldn't.
很难的
It's super hard.
你可不能把他们前额头上那根发际线理歪了
You can't fuck up the line above their forehead.
得直直的才行
It's got to be straight.
你的意思是我连发际线都修不直吗
Oh, what, so I can't shave a straight line?
拉倒吧我肯定能理好
Come on, of course I can do that.
他妈的我觉得这哥们在那自嗨呢
Oh, fuck, I think this dude over here is jerking off.
妈的
Damn it.
这是我今年看到的第三个撸男了变♥态♥啊
Third masturbator I've seen this year. Creepy dudes, man.
我们离他远点就好了
We'll just go over to the other side.
不不不等一下
No, no, no, no, wait.
我们可不能让他暗爽
We can't just keep letting this shit slide.
我们得做点什么
We got to do something.
我准备好了
Well, I'm all for doing something,
但是我们到底要干些啥
but what would we do, exactly?
你说咱们要是给他拍个视频
What if we took a video of him
然后让这个视频优衣库一下怎么样
and posted that shit all over Facebook?
他就再也别想找到工作了
He'd never be able to get a job again.
所以咱们是要在网上羞辱他吗
So we Internet shame him?
我的意思是理论上来讲这个方案是可行的
I mean, in theory, it works.
但是得需要时间
But it's kind of a long-term play.
谁知道这视频会不会火啊
And who knows if the clip will go viral, you know?
或许大V们会转发
Maybe blogs will pick it up,
或许有人会恶搞一下但是
maybe someone makes a meme, but...
好好好你说的都对
Okay, okay, okay, you right.
网络就是个无底洞
Internet's too fickle.
我知道了
Oh, I got it.
我们弄个"公民逮捕"吧
What if we make a citizen's arrest?
什么
What?
你听说过的对吧
You've heard that before, right?
我要弄一次公民逮捕
"I'm making a citizen's arrest."
如果你是公民你可以逮捕其他人
If you're a citizen, you can arrest people.
哥们那纯属扯淡
Man, that shit ain't real.
那咱俩怎么都知道公民逮捕这个词呢
How we both know the phrase?
我竟无言以对
Good point.
然后呢咱们又要做什么
But then what? What we gonna do?
让列车长叫警♥察♥吗
Ask the conductor to call the police?
列车长这没有列车长
The conductor? There's no conductor.
这是G线列车
It's the G train.
不是他妈的《明亮时光车站》(90年代美国儿童系列节目)
It's not fucking Shining Time Station.
好吧那我们过会再叫警♥察♥
Fine. We'll call the cops after.
但是我们需要证据啊
But we're gonna need evidence, though.
好
Okay.
我就假装我在看照片
I'll act like I'm looking at a photo.
嗯好的
Oh, yeah. Oh, hey, yeah.
看看这个
Look at that.
好了录像足够了
All right, that's enough footage, all right.
我们逮捕这个呆逼吧
Let's arrest this fool.
好的数到三咱俩开始行动
Okay, so on three, we both go,
住手
"Stop what you're doing!
这是一次公民逮捕是这么说吧
This is a citizen's arrest!" Right?
一二三
One, two, three.
住手这是一次公民逮捕
Stop what you're doing! This is a citizen's arrest!
这是真的
This is real.
这是真人真事
This is a real thing that people can really do.
你说啥我只是在拉我夹克的拉链啊
What are you talking about? I'm zipping my jacket.
是吗你这么系拉链的
Oh, really? Is this how you zip your jacket?
哥们我们可拍下来你撸管的视频了
Man, we got video of you jerking off.
我都拿手♥机♥录下来了
Yeah, I filmed it all on my phone,
一会儿会给警♥察♥看的
and we're gonna show it to the cops.
你究竟在说啥啊哥们
What the hell are you talking about, pal?
我没在打飞机
I wasn't jerking off.
我看到你摸自己了
I saw you touching yourself.
你好恶心
You're disgusting.
哦看来她看见了
Ooh, looks like she saw it.
是啊我也看到了
Yeah, I saw it too.
我去告诉列车长
I'm going to the conductor and I'm telling him
然后让他报♥警♥
to call the police.
看见了吧我就说有列车长的
See, I told you there was a conductor.
我还以为完全是电脑控制运行呢
I thought it was all run by computers.
哥们你被抓现行了
Dude, you're busted, all right?
一会儿车停的时候
And when this train stops, there's gonna be cops
外面就有警♥察♥在等你了
out there waiting for you.
我勒个去
God damn it!
我们做到了
We did it!
哇哇
Whoa, whoa.
你要和他砍价吗
Did you talk price with this guy?
是啊他标价三百刀
Well, he has it listed for 300 bucks,
但我想跟他讲到两百
but I'm gonna try and talk him down to 200.
好的好的
Right, right, right.
听着我是玩这分类广♥告♥网的专家
Listen, I'm an expert on Craigslist.
我所有的银器乐器小精灵商品
It's where I get all my silverware, all my musical instruments,
都是在这里买♥♥的
all my Gremlins merchandise.
这是老手的做法一个唱红脸一个唱白脸
Here's the pro move: good cop, bad cop.
你走进去说
You walk in, say,
哦我爱这个沙发我要买♥♥下来
"Oh, I love this couch. I'll take it."
我就说嗯我们还是再转转
I'll say, "Uh-uh! We're still shopping around."
懂了
Got it?
明白
Got it.
呼他
Buzz him.
-嗨 -嗨
- Hey! - Hi!
-我是Blake -我是Rachel
- I'm Blake. - Rachel.
-很高兴见到你 -我也是
- Nice to meet you. - Nice to meet you.
这就是那个沙发
So this is the couch.
天呐太赞了
Oh, my God, it's amazing.
你在逗我么
You kidding me?
Arnold 我不确定它是不是有点大了
I don't know, Arnold. It might be a little big.
要不我们再看看别的
Maybe we should shop around a little bit?
不不不你得给这好东西腾地方
Oh, no, you make room for a piece this nice.
太软了
It's so soft.
怎么才三百刀有什么内♥幕♥吗
Why is it only $300? What's the catch?
没内♥幕♥ 我要离开这个国家了
No catch, I'm moving out of the country,
所以需要卖♥♥掉而已
so I just need to get rid of it.
这些靠垫感觉像是用天使羽毛来填充的
These pillows feel like they're filled with .
咱们能去那边谈一会吗
Can I actually talk to you over here for a minute?
好啊没问题的
Yeah, sure.
女士们先生们由于警♥察♥办案
Ladies and gentlemen, due to police activity,
列车得稍停片刻
we're being held momentarily...
嘿警官
Hey, Officers.
我们抓到这个撸男了
We got the masturbator.
就在这
He's right here.
就他
Yeah.
你有权保持沉默
You have the right to remain silent.
别说了
Don't do that.
抱歉
Sorry.
麻烦在这等一下
Okay, guys, wait here for a sec.
我马上回来找你们录证词
I'll be right back to get your statements.
嘿
Hey.