无为大师（2015）

Master of None S01E07

Part 4 Sept. 6, 2020, 4:12 p.m.

我能问你点事吗
Can I ask you something?
为什么你要这么做
Why would you do this?
为什么不像别人一样回家打飞机
Why not just jerk off at home like everybody else?
实话么我就是这样的人
Honestly? It's just what I'm into.
你是喜欢被别人看着
Do you like the idea of someone seeing it,
还是就喜欢撸管这动作
or is it just the act of doing it?
我看起来像什么心理医生吗
What do I look like, a psychiatrist to you?
我不知道我就是这么做
I don't know. It's just something I do.
如果社会告诉你们
What if society told youse
你不能做自己喜欢的性行为呢
you couldn't do the sexual acts that you liked?
我们喜欢的不会给他人造成精神上的创伤啊
Well, the sexual acts we like don't traumatize other people.
但如果会呢
Ha, but if they did,
我打赌你内心肯定很挣扎
I bet you'd have some real internal conflict.
欢迎来到我的世界
Welcome to my world.
行吧
All right.
还是别让我觉得怪同情你了吧
Stop making me weirdly kind of sympathize with you.
你说你录像了是吗
You said you took a video of the incident?
是的
Yeah.
能把它发到这个号♥码吗
Can you send it to this number?
哇哦
Whoa.
所以我要给你发他撸管的录像吗
So I'm texting you a video of him jerking off?
这有点诡异哎
This is weird.
拜托是有点诡异啊
Come on, it is a little weird.
嗯我不知道该怎么讲
So I don't know how to say this,
但我哥哥有点不正常
but my brother is a little bit off.
他是个超可爱的小孩但他15岁的时候
Yeah, he was such a sweet kid, but when he was 15,
出了场事故
he had an accident.
他最喜欢的电视剧是《家居装饰》（90年代美国情景喜剧)
His favorite show was Home Improvement.
播出时
And it came on,
他听到那个声音
and he heard the... sound,
超级激动
and he got so excited.
然后跑去地下室看
And he ran down to the basement to watch,
结果一头撞到低矮的天花板上
and he slammed his head on the low ceiling.
可怜的孩子根本没意识到自己有多高
Poor kid didn't know how tall he had gotten.
从那以后他就变了个样
And, um, he's just never been the same since.
他真的超爱这个沙发
He really loves this couch.
但我们又没有很多钱
But we don't have a lot of money.
可不可以两百刀卖♥♥给我们啊
Is there any way we can have it for 200 bucks?
嗯好吧
Yeah, sure.
反正我得把这清空
I need to clear everything out anyway.
在沙发里找到糖了
Found some candy in the couch.
爱你沙发
Love you, couch.
我就不相信接种疫苗
I just don't believe in vaccinations.
真心不信
I just don't.
注射少量疾病
How can injecting a little bit of a disease
咋就能让你以后不得疾病呢
help you not get the disease?
你刚把疾病打到体内了
You're just putting the disease in you.
园艺中心的同事们最近咋样
Garden Depot crew, what's up?
嘿 Dev Marie刚唠叨完
Hey, Dev. Um, Marie was just wrapping up.
跟我们讲讲你今天怎么样吧
Tell us stuff about your day today, please.
拜托随便讲点啥
Please tell some stuff.
呃好的
Uh, okay.
是这样今天早些时候我和我朋友Denise
Well, um, earlier today, my friend Denise and I
在坐地铁
were on the subway, right?
然后看见一哥们在打飞机
And we saw this dude jerking off.
所以我们就行使了公民逮捕权
So we made a citizen's arrest,
然后警♥察♥来抓了他
and the police came and got him.
靠
Damn!
棒啊哥们
Good for you, man, wow.
你是手♥淫♥义警啊
You are a masturbation vigilante.
嗯这我倒不大确定
Well, I don't know about that.
咋听起来像我才是那个爱撸管的人
That makes it sound like I was the one masturbating.
是吗
Oh, does it?
是啊就像我是那种义警
Yeah, like, I'm a vigilante that, like,
向着坏家伙打飞机
jerks off on villains.
像是看见有人抢银行然后上去这么喊停
Like, I see a bank robber, and I'm, like, "Stop it!"
那也挺酷
That would be really cool too.
别抢那位女士
"Don't mug that lady!"
来干一杯
Here, have a drink.
来敬手♥淫♥义警
Yeah, to masturbation vigilante.
-干 -干
- Cheers. - Cheers.
那天在CVS 有人跟我说
The other day at CVS, this guy tells me,
美女多笑笑
"Smile more, beautiful."
我就想说滚蛋
I'm like, "Fuck off!"
凭什么你要多笑啊凭啥
Why should you smile more? Why?
凭女人比男人工资少吗
'Cause women get paid 23 cents less on the dollar than men do?
凭政♥府♥想要控制你的身体吗
Uh, because the government's trying to regulate your body?
你多笑他少笑
You smile more, uh-uh. Him smile less.
然后我把那撸男老二的相片发给警♥察♥了
And then I sent a cop a photo of the guy's dick.
太赞了
That is awesome.
咱们都干了
Let's all do shots.
耶
Yeah!
(BGM: Toto - Africa)
看看我们周围
It's all around us, man.
我是说看这园艺中心广♥告♥的片场
I mean, look at this Garden Depot spot.
当他们雇群众女演员
When they hire the background actresses,
都去找最辣的妹子
they got to get the hottest women ever.
但对男人就没有这些要求
They don't have to do that with the guys.
从来不会有像这些男人够帅吗这样的疑问
It's never like, "Oh, are these men handsome enough?
他们都有六块腹肌么
Uh, do they all have six-packs?"
从不
Never.
他们都像包装过时的布丁
They're, like, all frumpy bags of pudding.
无意冒犯
No offense.
嗯
Yeah.
整个片场都是三个男人
The whole spot, you know, it's these three guys
在烧烤然后其中一位的妻子
are having a barbecue, and one of their wives
拿来了一杯柠檬汁
comes up with lemonade.
这些难道不都过时了吗
Isn't that whole thing just antiquated?
嗯是啊
Yeah. All right.
我要去睡了兄弟
I got to hit the hay, brother.
很高兴和你聊天
It's great chatting with you. All right.
回见 Brad
See you, Brad!
额嗨
Uh, hey, man.
这是怎么回事是我的房♥车要挪位置吗
What's going on? Is my trailer moving?
我是演Ted的
I'm playing Ted.
兄弟我有个坏消息
Oh, man, I got some bad news.
今早他们重写了剧本
They did a big rewrite this morning.
你的角色被取消了
Your part got nixed.
现在是三位姑娘负责烧烤了
Now it's three ladies having a barbecue.
啥
What?
嘿兄弟你改了整个情节么
Hey, man, you changed the whole spot?
噢对的
Oh, yeah.
我很抱歉
I'm so sorry, man.
我考虑了你昨晚说的话
I thought about what you were saying last night,
我也和广♥告♥中介聊过了
and I talked about it with the ad agency.
然后...我们就决定采用新点子
And... we just decided to go in this new direction.
好吧有哪个点子是
Well, is there another direction
我不会被炒鱿鱼然后损失一大笔钱的吗
where I don't get fired and lose a bunch of money?
哥们我也希望你不用离开
Oh, man, I wish I didn't have to let you go, brother.
我还真给你弄了个老式的警长徽章
I did get you this vintage sheriff's badge
作为一种谢谢或者是对不起的礼物
as a sort of thank-you/I'm sorry gift.
你永远都是我片场的警长
You'll always be the sheriff on my set.
我很感谢你给我个章
Well, I appreciate the sheriff's badge,
但在这广♥告♥里还有什么角色是我可以做得吗
but is there anything I can do in the commercial still?
我想我有个点子了
I think I have an idea.
大伙太阳当空照烧烤时间到
Oh, man, the sun is out, and that means barbecues.
园艺中心里
At Garden Depot, they have the best deals
价低货又好
on the biggest grills.
夏天来了让你的厨房♥工作起来吧
It's summertime! Let's get cooking.
最好牌子的烤炉高达六折的优♥惠♥
Save up to 40% on our top grill brands
折扣持续一整个夏天