老爸有招

Man with a Plan S04E05

Part 2 July 7, 2020, 2:44 p.m.

I'd say she's in top form.
我觉得她好转了但是她在利用这一点
I think she's better, but she's milking it.
我们来看看
Oh. Well, let's find out.
翻翻她的垃圾看看她在干什么
Let's see what she's been up to by going through her trash.
本拉♥登♥就是这样被抓到的
That's how they got bin Laden.
这是一包爆辣脆片
Empty bag of Flamin' Hot Cheetos.
食物中毒的人不会吃爆辣的任何东西
People with food poisoning don't eat flamin' hot anything.
她在玩你哥们
She's playing you, man.
而且她还想毁灭证据
And she was trying to get rid of the evidence.
真是没想到
I can't believe she's lying
她居然为了不帮忙而撒谎
just to get out of helping around here.
也许她只是想报复你
Well, maybe she's trying to get you back
毕竟你过去25年来都是这样对她的
for that time you did it to her for 25 years.
有个女人来了你是来照顾孩子的吗
Oh, there's a woman. Are you here to take care of the kid?
不我是来照顾玛茜的
No, I'm here to take care of Marcy.
她给我打电♥话♥ 说她很不舒服
She called and told me how sick she is.
所以下午得你去带女孩们去逛街了
Oh, which means you'll have to take the girls shopping this afternoon.
什么不是玛茜好得很
What? No. Marcy's fine.
看看我在她垃圾里发现了什么
Look what I found in her trash.
爆辣脆片
Flamin' Hot Cheetos.
你居然翻一个生病女人的垃圾
You went through a sick woman's trash?
我我感到惊骇
Yeah-- I am appalled.
是掉出来的
It fell open. Uh...
听好了我去照顾玛茜你要去商场
Look, I'm taking care of Marcy, and you are going to the mall.
你看到了吗
Did you see that?
她没回答爆辣脆片的事
She didn't answer about the Cheetos.
反而来指责我做了错事
She accused me of doing something wrong.
这是扭曲
That's deflection.
她在口头上跟我玩柔道
She hit me with some verbal judo.
我一直不懂柔道
I don't get judo.
柔道就像是没那么生气时的空手道
Judo's like karate for when you're not that mad.
你真的只能关注一个重点是吗
You really just zone in on one word, don't you?
注意听我说
Pay attention.
安迪唯一会这样做的理由
The only reason Andi would do that
就是她知道玛茜已经不生病了
is if she knows Marcy's not sick anymore.
这说明她也知情
Which means she's in on it, too.
这说明她们就是两个爆辣撒谎精
Which means they're both a couple of flamin' hot liars.
之前我遇到这事的时候不是还在笑我吗
Which you thought was funny when it was only happening to me.
那现在我遇到了
Well, now it's happening to me.
我不能一整天都跟着几个青少年
I can't be following teenagers around the mall all day.
我刚满50岁
I just turned 50.
我接下来的每一分钟都很珍贵
Every minute I have left is precious.
你去跟你老婆说你知道她在假装
Go tell your wife you know she's faking it.
绝对不行上次我说玛茜在假装的时候
No way. The last time I accused Marcy of faking something,
蜜月差点就毁了
it almost ruined our honeymoon.
好了听我说
All right, listen, listen.
我们知道她们在干什么但她们肯定会否认
We know what they're doing, but they'll just deny it.
而且她们还很擅长用那种很伤人的词语
And they're good with words that make you feel bad.
比如"惊骇"
Like "appalled."
简直是总统发言稿里的词汇
That's a principal's office word. u202dMm.
还剩最后一招
Well, there's only one move left.
我早就想到了我们让她们逃脱
Way ahead of you. We let them get away with it.
不行
Nope.
我们给你下毒
We poison you.
或者用我的方法
Or we do my thing.
别想着它是坏了的鸡肉
Don't think of it as bad chicken,
想着是自♥由♥的鸡肉吧
think of it as freedom chicken.
你可以咬一口稍微难受一点
Just take one bite, get a little sick.
我不想
I don't want to.
会值得的
It'll be worth it.
玛茜起来照顾孩子
Marcy gets up and takes care of the kid,
安迪不需要照顾玛茜
Andi doesn't have to take care of Marcy,
就可以带女孩们去购物了
so she takes the girls shopping.
大家都开心
Everybody wins.
我不开心我会难受的
I won't win. I'll be sick.
不你会是英雄
No, no. You'll be a hero.
你会当着别人的面这样叫我吗
Will you call me that in front of other people?
也许不会但有可能
Probably not, but maybe.
要是我被发现怎么办
What if I get caught?
不会的
You won't.
我以前也尝试过这种套路
I have dipped my toe in these dark waters before.
有一次泰迪小的时候得了脓毒性咽喉炎
One time, when Teddy was little and got strep throat
大家都睡不好
and nobody was getting any sleep,
我就用他的牙刷自己刷了牙
I brushed my teeth with his toothbrush.
简直是完美犯罪
It was the perfect crime.
两天躺在床上果冻随便吃
Two days in bed, unlimited Jell-O.
不不值得
No, it's not worth it.
老唐
Don!
帕克该洗澡了
It's time for Parker's bath!
你打来电♥话♥很好放一天假不错
I'm glad you called. A day off is fun.
我意识到生病也有好处
I've realized there's an upside to being sick.
我很享受躺在床上
I enjoyed lying in bed
看老唐做家务的感觉
watching Don do all the work for a change.
是啊有一次孩子们还小的时候
Yeah, one time when the kids were little,
亚当得了脓毒性咽喉炎竟然看起来有点享受
Adam got strep throat and part of me thought he enjoyed it.
不过你吃这些脆片先小心点
Wait, but be careful with those Cheetos,
他们可能会发现你已经好转了
they might be catching on that you're feeling better.
没关系
Nah, it's fine.
我就说我在测试我的身体
I'll just tell them that I'm testing my body
看它能承受多少
to see how much it can take.
这也算是喝药了
That's just good medicine.
那我很支持你
Well, I am happy to jump on board.
亚当早上说的那些话我绝对不会
Okay? 'Cause there was no way I was taking those girls shopping
带那些姑娘去购物的
after what Adam said this morning.
女人的身体构造不同
"Women have different body parts.
可以自己生产食物
You can make your own food."
-胆大包天了他 -是吧
- How dare he? -u202dRight?
-不过好像是真的 -但也不能这么说啊
- I mean, yes, it's true. - Yeah, but it's not very nice to say.
然后
And then,
亚当让我煮咖啡告诉我他马上就到
Adam tells me to make coffee because he'll "be right there."
两小时后亚当没来也没打电♥话♥ 什么都没有
Two hours later, no Adam, no phone call, no nothing.
想想我这个二弟
Try being the middle kid.
我都一年半没去看过牙医了
I haven't been to the dentist in a year and a half.
你真是个好倾听者泰迪
You're a good listener, Teddy.
帕克说我长得像鲨鱼
Parker just said I look like Shrek.
你觉得呢
Do you see it?
可能肩膀像
Maybe in the shoulders.
你有感觉了吗
Are you feeling anything?
没有可能还要多吃点
Nothing. I think I have to eat more.
别过火了
Hey, don't overdo it.
记得范·海伦演唱会开始前
Remember when you tried those pot brownies
你吃了那些大♥麻♥蛋糕吧
before the Van Halen concert?
因为你吃太多了结果我们只能早退场
You ate too many, we had to leave early,
回家的一路上你像狗一样把脑袋
and you rode all the way home with your head out the window
伸出窗外
like a dog.
狗可以看到其他维度哦
A dog that could see into other dimensions.
我再吃点
I'm eating more.
有感觉吗
Is it happening?
不知道
I don't know.
可能是这口刚进肚
Maybe it was just that last bite landing.
不是开始了
Nope, it's on.
另一个世界见了大哥
See you on the other side, brother.
爸
Dad!
泰迪在我门口做俯卧撑
Teddy started doing push-ups outside my room,
现在我的朋友都觉得他是个怪人
and now my friends think he's weird.
我才做了三个
I only did three.
但我从99开始数的
But I started counting at 98.
孺子可教
You do listen to me.
那我现在上楼
I think it's time to head upstairs
给姑娘们表演个卷腹
and do some curls for the girls.
泰迪不要