神烦警探

Brooklyn Nine-Nine S07E07

Part 2 April 2, 2020, 11:36 a.m.

Is this about the tickets?
的确和言及之票有关
It is indeed about said tickets,
事实上关于言及之票的言及之宣告...
and said proclamation about said tickets is in fact--
杰克你直说就是了没人喜欢听你绕来绕去
Jake, just tell us. No one is liking this.
我就很喜欢你听上去很有文化
I'm loving it. You sound so smart.
谢谢你吾之忠臣查尔斯
Oh, thank you, my loyal subject Charles.
你们也知道这决定让吾十分为难[硬]
Now, as you know, this decision has been quite hard upon me--
这也是吾性♥爱♥录像的片名但吾终于做出了决定
title of mine sex tape--but I have made it at long last,
吾宣布获票者乃...
and it is my decree that the recipient shall be...
-你们俩人 -什么
- Both of you. - What?
你找米奇J要了更多票吗
Did you talk to Mikey J. And get more tickets?
倒是没有
Indeed I did not,
但吾决定
but it is my decision
-把言及之票全部一分为二 -为二
- that I will cut all of said tickets in twain. - Twain?
泰瑞才不想要半张《疯狂蛋糕消消乐》的票
Terry doesn't want a twained ticket to "Kwazy Kupcakes."
半张票有个屁用啊
That's not how tickets work.
-你这样做只是把票废了 -那我们全都进不去了
- You'd just be ruining them. - None of us would get in.
-你是不是蠢猪 -不是
- Are you dumb? - No!
好吧我就直说啦
All right, full disclosure.
我本来想学《圣经》里"二母争一娃"那套
I was trying to do that Bible thing
然后你们其中一人就会选择高姿态
and then one of you was gonna take the high road
说与其看到票被撕烂
and say that rather than see the tickets destroyed,
宁可退出竞争
you would just bow out,
然后那个人
and then that person
就会赢得票
was gonna get the tickets.
没门
Nope.
我得不到谁也别想得到
If I don't get them, no one does.
同意博伊尔宁可与票俱焚
Agreed. Boyles or bust.
-把票撕了吧 -我不会那么做的
- Cut them up. - I'm not gonna do that.
我只能另想他法来解决这个问题了
I'm just gonna have to think of another way to figure this out.
愚蠢《圣经》里的愚蠢教训半个问题都解决不了
Stupid Bible with stupid lessons never solved crap!
看来你是对的
So you were right.
斯芭婆并不能爬出棺材
Wuntch was not able to claw through her coffin
自己写下这封邮件
and write the email herself.
原来是她的遗产律师寄来的
It turns out, the lawyer for her estate sent it.
真希望当初我考了法学院入学考试
I wish I had taken the LSATs.
不是为了成为律师纯粹因为那考试好像很好玩
Not to be a lawyer. Just seems like a fun test.
-姐们你激怒我们学渣了 -好了
- Dude, you're bumming us out. - All right.
邮件里有个视频链接
Uh, the email contains a link to a video.
我准备播放你们做好准备
I'm going to play it. Brace yourselves.
如果梅德琳出现
If it shows Madeline,
切记千万别直视她的双眼
be sure not to look directly into her eyes.
-因为我们会变成石头吗[美杜莎] -不是
- Because we'll turn to stone? - No.
因为她眼睛很丑
Because her eyes are ugly.
你好雷蒙德见到我很意外吧
Hello, Raymond. Surprised to see me?
我没对镜子说三次"血腥玛丽"召唤你
Well, I didn't say Bloody Mary
你就出现了是挺意外的
three times, so yes.
她什么时候录的视频
When did she record this?
据她身后的地狱之火判断
Judging by the flames around her,
这有可能是直播
it could be a livestream.
怼得好罗莎
Very good, Rosa.
你一定将我的英年早逝视为一场胜利
I'm sure you consider my untimely death a victory,
但我绝对不会让你赢的
but I'd never let you win.
我临终前告诉所有人
I told everyone that in my final days,
我们和解了你坚持要主持和组织
we reconciled and you insisted on hosting and organizing
我的纽约警队追悼会
my NYPD memorial service.
我知道你肯定忍♥不住在追悼会上说我坏话
I know you won't be able to resist badmouthing me at the service.
到时所有高层都在场
All the top brass will be there,
你一开口说我坏话
and when you speak ill of me,
就会葬送自己的前程
it will end your career.
一切就结束了我是赢家
It's over. I won.
再见雷蒙德
Bye, Raymond.
糟糕我完蛋了
Oh, no. I'm doomed.
你不是吧
Seriously?
只是在一个死去女人的追悼会上忍♥住别羞辱他
All you have to do is not insult a dead woman
-你也做不到吗 -没错
- at her own memorial service. - Exactly.
根本是不可能任务
It's impossible.
你一定是好过些了
Oh, you must be feeling better.
你在加热你最喜欢的餐食豆子
You're heating up your favorite meal; beans.
是重新炒过
They're refried.
它们被煮过一次已经够惨了
It's bad enough they were cooked once,
更别说两次
let alone twice,
现在进微波炉就是第三次了
and now the toaster oven makes it three times.
我的求助哭喊简直不能更大声了
I couldn't be crying for help any louder.
看来你逃不掉了
So I take it you couldn't get out
必须帮斯芭婆组织追悼会
of organizing Wuntch's memorial.
是的到底怎么弄啊
Oh, no. It's impossible.
她再次比我技高一筹
She has bested me yet again.
那你就别再一副弱智死样啊白♥痴♥
Well then stop being such a moron, you idiot.
-艾米 -抱歉都是荷尔蒙紊乱啦
- Amy! - Sorry, it's the hormones.
让我非常易怒
They're making me really irritable.
愤怒艾米说得对
Angry Amy's right.
你只需在追悼会上说些好话
All you have to do is say a few nice comments during the memorial. -
就像斯芭婆试图偷溜进天堂大门时上帝所说的
As God said when Wuntch tried to sneak past the gates into heaven,
"想都别想亲"
"It ain't happening, honey."
昨晚我试着写了些夸她的讲稿
I tried to write a kind speech about her last night,
结果写出这些玩意
and this is what came out.
有20页那么长呢
It's, like, 20 pages long.
-为什么全是大写 -提醒自己要大吼出来
- Why is it in all caps? - So I remember to yell it.
好吧显然你绝对不能念这些
Oh, well, you obviously can't read any of this.
听着既然你没办法说出好话
Look, since you can't say anything nice,
不如试试把你想到的反着说出来
try saying the opposite of whatever you're thinking.
有意思
Interesting.
我姑且一试
I'll give it a whirl.
梅德琳·斯芭婆生前是...
Madeline Wuntch was...
-我的朋友 -瞧
- A friend. - See?
说点好话也没那么难吧
It's not that hard to say something ni--
你恶心到吐了
oh, you're vomiting.
杰克是我尼古拉吉
Hi, Jake. It's me, Nikolaj.
兄弟你怎么来了
Hey, bud. What are you doing here?
今天是周四
It's Thursday.
你不是该上裁缝课吗
Shouldn't you be at tailoring class?
我想来谢谢你
I want to say thank you.
爸爸说你要给我们票
Dad said that you were giving us tickets
去看《疯狂蛋糕消消乐大电影》
to the "Kwazy Kupcakes" movie.
是吗他这么说啊失陪一下
Oh, he did, did he? Excuse me one second.
-居然下作到利用孩子 -怪天道不仁别怪我
- Of all the twisted moves! - Don't hate the player.
有种你就告诉小尼他没得去啊谅你不敢
Go ahead. Tell Niko he's not going. I dare you.
听我说
Hey, listen.
小尼我有件事要告诉你
Niko, there's something I gotta tell you.
杰克叔叔杰克叔叔
Uncle Jake! Uncle Jake!
慢点姑娘们不用跑啊
Slow down, girls. No need to run.
杰克叔叔是自家人
Uncle Jake is family.
你们想对杰克叔叔说什么呀
Now, what do you wanna say to Uncle Jake?
谢谢你给我们票
Thank you for the tickets.
你们异口同声真是太可爱了
Oh, that's so cute how you said that
我们才没有在车里预先排练过呢
at the same time without rehearsing it in the car.
是啦当然没有泰瑞查尔斯
It sure is. Hey, Terry, Charles,
我能和你们去休息室聊聊吗
can I speak with you in the break room for a moment?
孩子们看这个
Uh, hey, kids, look at this.
你们居然推自己小孩进火坑
Pimping out your kids?
我也不想这么说
I hate to say this,
但你俩表现得像坏爸爸我太了解了
but you two are acting like bad dads, and I should know.
有一次我爸爸忘记去学校接我
One time my father forgot to pick me up from school
因为他当时忙着跟我死党的妈妈做♥爱♥
'cause he was having sex with my best friend's mom.
我的天啊那也太惨了
Oh, my God. That's terrible.
是啊我当时15岁
Yeah. I was 15.
我就走去商场
I just walked to the mall
一个人看《帝国唱片行》
and watched "Empire Records" by myself,
但重点是你们的行为都很荒谬
but the point is, you're both acting ridiculous.
不这件事赖你杰克