壕滑人生（2017）

不过职业杀手可能收的便宜些
You know, a hit man would probably work out cheaper.
我没打算雇职业杀手 Watto
I'm not hiring a hit man, Watto.
我也不是说要捅刀子什么的
Well, I'm not thinking of, like, a shanking.
我打算找个苦大仇深的公立医院的护士拿枕头捂死他
I'm thinking maybe get a disgruntled NHS nurse to do it with pillows.
Leon 你不能这么干 - 为什么不能 我这是做好事
Leon, you can't do this. - Why not? I'm doing a good thing.
才不是 - 我这是自掏腰包来终结一个人的痛苦
No, you're not. - I'm paying to end a man's suffering.
你这是买♥♥凶杀人 - 没错啊 一个意思
You're paying to have a man killed. - Exactly, same thing.
不 这俩根本不是一回事
No, it's not, it's very much a different thing.
如果一个女人被洋葱噎住了
If you grab a woman from behind
然后你从后面抱着她 这没问题
because she is choking on an onion, fine.
可如果是因为你觉得人家漂亮
But if you grab a woman from behind
就从后面抓住人家 那就不好了 很不好
because you are feeling a little bit saucy, not fine, awful.
没错 差不多就这个意思
Exactly. Sort of.
属于同样的道德范畴界定吧
Same moral ballpark.
不过我觉得 从某种程度上来说
But I mean, Josh, in a way,
这跟Abi和慈善晚会的情况不是一回事吗
isn't that the same thing as Abi and the charity?
不是啊 完全不是一回事
No, it absolutely is not the same thing.
什么情况
What's this?
Josh捐了一大笔钱给慈善机构想打动Abi
Josh gave a load of money to charity to impress Abi.
这下他要主办一场慈善派对 还要买♥♥一块很垃圾的地毯
Now he's hosting a party and he's bought a horrible rug.
啊 我明白了 干得漂亮啊 Josh
Ah! Now it makes sense. Well done, Josh.
妙啊 以慈善之名行吹♥箫♥之实
Bravo, exploiting a charity to get a blowy.
才不是 我压根都不喜欢被吹
No, because I don't even like getting blowies.
那很不尊重人
They're demeaning.
你说的对 你说的都对 你就是个大好人 Josh
You're right, you're right, you're such a good person, Josh.
我确实是好人啊 - 是啊 我俩都是好人 哥们儿
I am a good person. - Yeah, you and me both, mate.
我们人太好了 都快赶上比尔·盖茨夫妇了
We're such good people. We're basically Bill and Melinda Gates.
你已经突破自己的道德底线了
You're out of your depth, morally.
你还是买♥♥买♥♥过山车啊或者维京头盔吧
You should just stick to buying rollercoasters or Viking helmets.
好呗 管他呢
You know what? Bullshit.
我要把这老东西送去瑞士
I'm sending the old git to Switzerland.
规模挺大的啊
It's pretty big.
挺让人不爽的
It's quite obnoxious.
Josh 这简直就像是<大设计>的最后五分钟嘛
Josh, it's basically the final five minutes of Grand Designs.
不只是令人不爽的程度了
It's beyond obnoxious.
是啊 是令人非常不爽了 兄弟
Yeah, it is pretty obnoxious, mate.
不过奇怪的是
But it's odd.
我很喜欢
I love it.
我在加拿大的时候看到的那些无家可归的人
You know, I saw homelessness when I was in Canada,
你无法想象他们的境遇 - 嗯
on a scale you probably can't fathom. - Mm.
一个没有双脚的男人生活在塑料桶里
A man with no feet living in a plastic barrel.
我总是不由自主地想起他
I just can't stop thinking about him.
不管怎么说 我还是很喜欢那儿的镀铬排气扇
Still, love the chrome extractor fan there, mate.
我帮你预定了去瑞士的机票
I booked your flight to Switzerland,
当然了 订的是单程票
one-way, obviously.
我本想请你帮忙带个超大的瑞士三角巧克力回来的
I'd ask you to bring me back one of those giant Toblerones,
不过你也知道
but, you know...
我要留个字条告诉别人是你逼我这么做的
You know what? I'm gonna leave a note saying you made me do it,
让你蹲大狱去
so you end up in prison.
飞机没得坐了
Actually, forget the plane,
我要用那种中世纪的超大投石机
I'm gonna have you flung over to Switzerland
把你扔过去瑞士
from one of those giant medieval catapults.
是嘛
Is that right?
然后我就把你做成标本变成我的人肉咖啡桌
Then I'm gonna have you stuffed and turned into a coffee table.
的确是你风格 你就是这样没品的人
You would as well, cos you're that fucking gauche.
你就是做不到是吧 你就不能说一句
You can't do it, can you? You can't just say the words,
"谢谢你 对不起 我之前错看你了"
'Thank you, I'm sorry, I was wrong about you.'
谢谢你 对不起 我之前错看你了 满意了吗
Thank you, I'm sorry, I was wrong about you. Happy?
能不能借一步说话
Can I just have a quick word, please?
你还把他带到这儿来了
You brought him to the house.
我们正在制定旅行计划呢
Yeah, we're finalising travel arrangements.
兄弟 这就有点尴尬了
Mate, this is all getting a bit weird.
一个为了下半身性福怒斥900英镑买♥♥地毯的人还觉得别人尴尬
Oh, from the man who spent ￡900 on a carpet just to get a hand-job,
买♥♥的还是小围毯(也指女性自♥慰♥) - 拜托你别用这个词
the tug rug! - OK, don't call it that, please.
Watto 我看到你的乐队了
Oh, Watto, I see your band's here.
我们就一起玩耍 联♥系♥感情 就像乐队的好朋友那样
We're just hanging out, vibing, like a band, like friends.
但是你付钱给他们
But you're paying them?
是的 按小时结算
Yeah, by the hour.
当你的主音吉他手拿着发♥票♥走到你跟前
It does feel a little bit impersonal when your lead guitarist
那感觉确实很不近人情
comes out to you with an invoice that says,
"闲聊打趣20分钟 共计32.5英镑"
"Banter, 20 minutes, ￡32.50."
我觉得我得过去跟他们联♥系♥联♥系♥感情
I suppose at some point I should go over and vibe with them.
才能物有所值啊
Get my money's worth.
到你大显身手的时候了
Now's the perfect time to practise your skills.
我是个非常强大的男人 - 必须的 Bewan
I'm a very powerful man. - Sure you are, Bewan,
我还是11岁的中国体操运动员呢
and I'm an 11-year-old Chinese gymnast.
嘿 快看一眼这个
Hey, you gotta take a look at this.
我就是想看看这后面加上数字2是个什么效果
I just had to see what it looked like with a number two behind it.
看见没 这下有两只猫了 因为这是第二版
See, there's two cats, cos it's number two.
靠 你特么逗我啊
Oh, you are shitting me!
抱歉了 Casey 但我有博士学位
I am sorry, Casey, but I have a doctorate...
是差点取得了应用计算机的博士学位啦
almost have a doctorate... in Applied Computer Sciences
要是你觉得我会花费接下来的5年时间
and if you think I'm gonna spend the next five years
继续研究猫工厂这个傻♥逼♥玩意儿
on the same cat factory bullcrap,
那你就大错特错了
then you are sorely mistaken.
是啊 你说得对
Yeah, right.
你看 没有我的帮助你都取得了这样的成就
I mean, look what you made without my help.
是啊 - 想象一下我们联手得多强大
Yeah. - Imagine what we could do together.
我们应该开♥发♥一款新游戏 我们一起来做 嘿
We should do a new game, all of us. Hey!
帮我取消航♥班♥ - 啊 先别急
Cancel my flight. - Ah, hold that thought.
给我随便找个套房♥ - 不必了吧
Get me a suite somewhere. - Not necessarily.
我打算无限期地呆在这儿了
I am gonna be staying on indefinitely.
真的吗 - 很高兴我们进行了这次交谈
Are you? - I'm so glad we had this chat,
Bewan - 我也是
Bewan. - Me too.
我就说 "那不是头熊 那是Gary"
I was like, "That's not a bear, that's Gary."
他那会儿留了胡子 他就是
He had a beard at the time. He just...
嘿 大家好 这是Josh 一位大富翁
Hey, everyone, this is Josh, he's a multi-millionaire.
我更偏向于先把自己看作一个慈善家
Well, I like to think of myself as a humanitarian first.
类似于低配版的马克·扎克伯格吧
Kind of a Tesco Value equivalent of Mark Zuckerberg.
Josh 这是什么啊
Josh, what's this?
这东西不该被放在外面的 这是个电♥话♥ 我估计
That shouldn't be out. It's a phone, I think,
或者是个相机 又或者是个话筒 我记不清了
or a camera or a speaker. I can't actually remember.
想象一下 有钱到光知道买♥♥买♥♥买♥♥
Imagine having so much money that you can just
然后完全不记得买♥♥来干嘛的感觉
buy things and then forget what they're for.
这不是一个 呃
It's not a, um...
别
Don't...
行 你大可以试试
Well, you're welcome to try.
知道我拥有几百万之后想做什么吗
You know what I'd do if I had millions of pounds?
我投资到丽蝇上面
I'd take on blowfly.
没错 我就把全部东西投资到丽蝇研究上
Yeah, I'd just sink everything into blowfly,
但你们也知道 有人会想要大房♥子 这也很棒
but, you know, some people want the big house, and that's cool.
是啊 没人喜欢炫富狂魔 是吧
Yeah, nobody likes a show-off, do they?
你们知道Greg环绕整个加拿大骑行吗
Did you know that Greg cycled round the whole of Canada?
我只希望他多说些关于这方面的事情
I just wish he'd talk about it a bit more, you know?
毕竟一个大男人穿着莱卡紧身服
Because you can never have too many photos of a man
跟麋鹿的合照永远不嫌多 是吧
in Lycra stood next to a moose, can you?
且慢 你们这是要走了吗
Hang on a second! Are you guys going?
我就不懂了 我们压根都不喜欢打趣
I just don't get it, man. We don't even like banter
而且Nicholas还非常无趣 是吧
and Nicholas here, he's just very banter averse, right?
听着 我就是想重新找回那种感觉 你明白吗
Look, I just wanted that feeling again, you know?
我自己的乐队不需要我了
My own band don't want me! They don't want a man
他们不再需要那个站在地毯上吃煎蟹肉的男人了
that stands on a rug eating pan-fried Cornish crab!
没有不敬的意思啊 兄弟
All due respect, man,
你那个乐队听起来像是一帮傻♥逼♥的组合啊
that band of yours sound like a bunch of shitheads.
听着 你不会因为有钱就变得不朋克了
Look, you don't stop being a punk just cos you got money.
关键在于你的内心是怎样的
It's what inside you, man.
你告诉我 这里面是什么
So, tell me, what's in here?
呃
Well...
是一颗来自虚无的击鼓狂人的跳动的心
the pounding heart of a nihilistic drumming mad man.
行吧 那我们回到那个车♥库♥里去
All right, then. So what do you say we go back in that garage