含笑台上（2017）

I'm Dying Up Here S01E10

Part 7 May 7, 2021, 2:49 p.m.

老兄你可坐不上那沙发
Man, you're not getting the fucking couch.
你能坐上那沙发的情况
The only way you will get the couch
只能是他们搞了个旧货出♥售♥
is if the tonight show has a yard sale.
沃特
Hey, Walter.
怎么了老兄
What's up, man?
我想上去
I want to go up.
别这样阿尔是最后一位
Come on, Al's the last comic,
之后就熄灯了
and it's lights out.
我不管最后是不是只剩下我和蟑螂
Look, man, I don't care if it's just me and the cockroaches.
我需要上台
I need to go up.
好吧
All right, man.
有好车我不明白
Nicer car-- I just don't understand it.
她为什么会离开我
Why would she leave me?
最起码你有机会穿西装
At least you get to wear that fucking suit.
靠看是谁来了
Oh, shit, look who it is!
这才是咱们的电视明星
That's what a TV star look like.
快过来姑娘
Hey! Come over here, girl.
有爷爷级别的胆子这是肯定的
Grandpa-size set of balls, I will tell you that.
我们就爱她这点
That's why we love her.
老天爷啊
Jesus christ.
恭喜
Congratulations.
谢谢
Oh, thanks.
我试过给你打电♥话♥ 但是...
I tried to call you, but--
我当时在拍"女孩也他妈的傻"
Yeah, I was over at "Girls are Fucking Idiots Too."
都成了纪录片吗
Oh, it's a documentary now?
你听说了
Oh, yeah, you heard?
咱们为她庆祝下上了正经电视
Let's celebrate her. Some real TV cred.
好了好了我知道现在是2点了
All right, all right, I know it's 2 A.M.
已经很晚了但是我们还有
And it's late, but we've got
最后一位喜剧人要上台
one more comic coming to the stage.
掌声有请尼克·贝弗利
So make some noise for Nick Beverly.
早上好
Good morning.
-不会吧 -他在干什么
- No. - What is he doing?
-该死的尼克 -小心了
- Fucking nick. - Look out.
-凌晨两点出现了 -好了
- Showing up at 2 a.m. - All right.
凌晨两点是最棒的时候
Got the cream of the crop, huh? 2 a.m.
这是"瘾君子的自白"
This is "Confessions of a junkie."
妈的
Oh, shit.
没错我是个瘾君子
That's right. I'm a junkie.
已经戒毒一个月了
Been clean about a month now.
"戒毒"算是一种相对的说法
"Clean's" kind of a relative term,
因为我现在在服用美♥沙♥酮♥
'cause now I'm doing methadone.
从海♥洛♥因♥到美♥沙♥酮♥
Going from heroin to methadone
就像是从操拉奎尔·韦尔奇
is like going from fucking Raquel Welch
变成了操一罐印着
to fucking a jar of peanut butter
她头像的花生酱
with her face drawn on it.
当你吸毒成瘾的时候生活中的一切
When you're a junkie, man, your priorities,
都乱了套
they just get all out of whack.
都糟透了
You know, they're fucked.
为了让生活恢复正常你会愿意付出一切
You'd do anything for that fix.
我记得有一次母亲节
I remember one Mother's day.
我给我妈的礼物是
My gift to my mom
只偷她一点小东西
was just to steal something small from her.
比如五美金
you know, five dollars
或者更少因为她是我妈
or less, 'cause she's my mom.
这是属于她的日子
It's her special day.
搞什么
What the fuck? Come on.
我
My, uh...
我和我前任
My ex and I came--
继续说尼克
Go ahead, Nick.
是啊尼克你能行的
Yeah, come on, Nick, you got it, baby.
继续尼克
Whoo! Come on, Nick.
好吧
Okay.
我们来聊聊嗑嗨之后的性♥爱♥吧
Sex on heroin-- let's talk about it.
嗑嗨之后做♥爱♥很奇怪
Sex on heroin's weird.
就好像你在睡觉
It's like you're asleep,
但每隔五分钟你会醒过来
and every five minutes, you're getting woken up
因为有人在操你
because someone's fucking you.
冷静点冷静点
Be cool, be cool.
我会冷静闭嘴啦
I'm gonna be cool. Shut up.
下午好我是比尔·霍布斯
Good afternoon. Hi, I'm Bill Hobbs.
我是来上《今夜秀》的
I'm here to do the Tonight Show.
谢谢
Thanks.
好好看看重要的时刻到来了
Look at this, man. Fuck, it's the big-time.
害怕吗
You scared?
很怕
Shitless.
但不是屁滚尿流的那种
But it's a dry shitless.
-好了吗 -给你
- Good? - Here you go.
-谢谢 -祝你演出成功
- Thanks. - Have a good one.
忍♥着吧小萨你永远没这个机会
Ahh. Suck it in, Sull. You'll never be here.
非常感谢
Thank you so much.
听我说大家举手表决
Listen up! Show of hands--
有多少人想看到比尔今晚的演出失败
how many people want to see Bill fail tonight?
有多少人真的想看他吃屎
Now, how many people really want to see him eat shit?
大家安静点这可是《今夜秀》
Okay, tone it down. It's the Tonight Show.
我们得庆祝自己人有这个机会
We need to celebrate one of our own,
就算是比尔
even if it's bill.
各位我们还要工作呢
Guys, we have work to do in here.
你们得去地下室开派对了
Yes, you have to take your little party to the cellar.
听这位漂亮姑娘的话去地下室
All right, you heard the pretty lady, to the cellar.
好吧今晚罗恩请客
All right. Tonight's on Ron!
非常感谢
All right, thank you very much.
拉尔夫你来吗
Ralph, you coming?
我待会再过去
I'm gonna catch up with y'all later.
我不是来教训你的
I ain't here to give you shit.
所以是来寒暄吗
Oh, social call, then?
算是吧
Ah, something like that.
我来说你听就好
Look, I'm gonna talk, you gonna listen,
说完我就走
and then I'm gonna leave.
好吗
Cool?
我像你这么大时我参军了
When I was your age, I joined the military.
我本打算去追逐事业
Was gonna be a career man.
后来战争爆发他们把我送到了越南
Then the war broke out, and they shipped my ass off to 'nam.
去了两次什么屁事都见过
Did two tours, saw all kinds of shit,
但我最常见到的事就是
But the one thing that I saw over and over again
孩子们常常会遇到他们无能为力的情况
were kids put into situations they had no idea how to handle.
你说这些是觉得我还没准备好吗
What, you saying this 'cause you feel like I ain't ready?
不是说好了"你听就好"吗
We still in the "You listening" part, you dig?
有一些人当时都还只是孩子
There are people--and they were just kids back then--
因为我他们现在都过得挺好
in places right now 'cause of me.
有家有工作结婚生子
Homes, jobs, families.
我很骄傲
I'm proud of that.
我照顾了他们见证了他们的经历
I took care of them. I saw them through.
但也有些孩子因为我遭遇不太好
Then there are kids in places because of me...
我不太骄傲的事
I'm not so proud of.
怎么死了还是怎么了
What, like, graves and shit?
是没错
Yeah, graves and shit...
还有这里
And here.
我能跟你说件别人都不知道的事吗
Can I tell you something I ain't never told nobody else?
当然
Of course.
老兄我才17岁
Man, I'm only 17 years old.
你开玩笑吧
You're shitting me.
我认真的
No, I'm serious.
我妈死了之后我开走了我继父的卡迪拉克
I took my--my stepdad's Eldorado after my mom passed,
一路开到了洛杉矶
and I drove to L.A.
睡在车里后来遇见了卡尔就把车卖♥♥了
Slept in it, met Carl, sold it.
我去
Damn.
我上次说的那些话
Look, man, I didn't mean that ceiling shit
不是真心的
that I said the other night.
只是气话
That was just me being mad.