含笑台上（2017）

I'm Dying Up Here S01E05

Part 6 May 7, 2021, 2:47 p.m.

I could put together a group of women,
让她们尿裤子的速度
make them pee their pants
比尼尔森收视率下滑得还快
faster than bad Nielsen ratings.
好找谁
Okay. Who?
迪勒里弗斯
Diller? Rivers?
这些"嫌疑惯犯"我们都见过
We've seen The Usual Suspects.
我说的是新星
I'm talking up-and-comers.
我那俱乐部里有女孩能比你穿泳衣
I got girls got bigger laughs in my place
博得更多的笑声
than you in a swimsuit.
你可以把你节目命名为
Hey, you could call your special,
"姑娘们也搞笑"
"Girls Are Funny Too."
那是因为
Eh, but only because
"大男人主义的男人都是混球"
"Men Are Sexist Fucking Pricks"
这话过不了审核
wouldn't get past the censors.
我手下有幽默的姑娘
Oh, I got the girls.
你只是不敢让她们上台
You just wouldn't dare put them on.
不知道
I don't know.
好让我猜猜是兄妹吗
All right, let me guess. Brother and sister?
结婚53年了
Oh. 53 years.
好吧太恶心了那可是不合法的
All right, that's disgusting. That should be illegal.
你们结婚前约会了多久
How long did you date before you got married?
我们没约会是他追求的我
We didn't date. He courted me.
"追求" 这词我喜欢
"Courted." oh, I love that.
自从盖里·朵法门在麦当劳的
I haven't been courted since I let Gary Dorfheimer
停车场摸过我胸我以后就没人追求我了
get to second base in a McDonald's parking lot.
你觉得我还有希望吗尽管我
So what do you think, is there any hope for me, even though
你懂的在麦当劳免费贡献了"奶汁"
I'm, you know, giving out free milk at McDonald's?
你只需等到对的人
You just need to meet the right one.
大家都这么说
You know, that's what everybody says.
你会遇到对的人
You'll find the right one.
这种海底捞针的事
Well, how am I supposed to recognize
我怎么找得出来出来
that needle in the haystack?
"针"会找到你
The needle finds you.
我当时在追他的兄弟
I was going after his brother.
真浪
What a floozy!
你怎么改变心意的
What made you switch?
他听得懂我
He hears me.
那他是个不错的倾听者
Oh, so, he's a good listener?
谁都会倾听
Anyone can listen.
很少有人能听懂
Very few hear.
可别往伤口上撒盐婊砸
Don't rub it in, bitch.
你是临场发挥的吗
You come up with that on the spot?
小闪
Sparky?
-有时是 -快过来小家伙
- Sometimes. - Here, boy!
今晚真的很有趣比尔
Really fun tonight, Bill.
谢谢
Thanks.
很久没见爸笑成那样了自从...
I haven't seen Dad laugh like that since...
广岛事件之后吗
Hiroshima?
你真是太坏了
You're terrible.
-真的 -不不不
- Well, it's true. - No! No! No!
天啊
Oh, God.
他几乎没呼吸了叫救护车
He's barely breathing. Call an ambulance.
我觉得他们不会来救狗的爸
I don't--I don't think they come for dogs, Dad.
那就快把车开过来
Then just bring the fucking car around!
我很喜欢你昨晚的想法
You know, I really liked your idea last night.
让女人出演喜剧秀
The women in comedy thing.
约翰尼只会在饭店为女人"开门"
The only time Johnny opens doors for women is in restaurants.
不不不去他的《今夜秀》
Nah-nah-nah-nah, screw The Tonight Show.
CBS电视台才是大展拳脚的地方
CBS would be all over this.
两者均是以女性为主角的电视剧
《莫德》《玛丽·泰勒·摩尔秀》
Come on, Maude, The Mary Tyler Moore Show.
那可一点都不像是女人的表演
Well, there's nothing like a dame.
你为什么不提出一项策划
Why don't you put together a proposal, you know,
看看谁能当选你心目中的女性喜剧大♥师♥
see who you think makes the grade, female-comic wise?
然后我们一起付诸实践齐心协力
And we'll take it out. Together.
美国制片人
把它挂到弗雷迪·希弗曼的杆子上
Run it up Freddie Silverman's pole,
看他会不会敬礼
see if he salutes?
没错
Why not?
这样会让我成为制♥作♥人吗
Would it make me a producer?
会让我俩一起成为制♥作♥人
It would make us producers.
我要为你做一件我二十年
I'm gonna do something for you
-没有为男人做过的事 -是吗
- I haven't done for a man in 20 years. - Oh, yeah?
什么事
Mm, what's that?
给你做早餐
Make you breakfast.
开什么国际玩笑
Oh, you gotta be shitting me right now.
现在是早上八点
It's eight in the morning.
这个点你们还接客人
You still got people going at it?
你见过时钟吗
You see a time clock?
我们经营的可是"随心而动"的生意
We're more of a "when the mood hits you" business.
知道怎么用洗衣机吗
You know how to work a washing machine?
差不多吧怎么了
Yeah. Yeah, I guess, why?
佣人生病了床单得有人换
Maid's sick. Sheets need to be changed.
你不是真的在要求我为这群婊♥子♥
Are you seriously asking me to wash a whole bunch of
洗她们滚过的床单吧
whores' comed-on bed linens?
把这当成一种激励吧
Use it as motivation.
谁知道呢
Who knows?
也许有一天你也会功成名就
Maybe one day you'll be successful
有人也会洗你滚过的床单
and someone will be cleaning your comed-on sheets.
我的意思是这样不太好明白吗
I'm just saying it's not cool, man, all right?
昨晚你就这么丢下我跑了
You--you just walked out on me last night.
我本来是想在熟食店表演的我发誓
I wanted to perform at your deli, I swear,
可是突然有了个机会
but this opportunity came up
可以把八英寸的"仙人掌"插♥进♥我屁♥股♥
to shove an eight-foot cactus up my ass
你明白我的为难之处
and--I mean, you see my dilemma here.
你真是个混♥蛋♥
You're such a dick.
连凯茜都懂我
I mean, even Cassie gets it.
她昨晚的表现非常好
She was so good last night.
大家的反响特别好
People really respond to her.
你说这些
Is it just me,
是针对我还是你春心荡漾了
or did your dick move when you said that?
我觉得我是动心了
Oh, I--I think it did.
拜托了兄弟
Come on, man.
就试一试吧
Just give it a shot.
-伙计我... -就一次
- Dude, I... - Once.
拜托拜托
Come on. Come on.
有什么损失呢来吧
What do you got to lose? Come on.
好吧好吧好了
All right, all right, fine, fine.
-就帮我一个忙 -没问题
- Just do me one favor. - Sure.
移过去四英尺
Move like four feet that way.
你闻起来像放屁的意大利蒜味香肠
You smell like a salami farted.
抱歉
Sorry.
他把它埋在我的后院里
He just buried him in my backyard.
连问都没问一声
He didn't even ask.
他就直接开挖
He just dug it.
现在通往我烤肉炉的路上有一大♥片♥泥土减速带
Now I got a big dirt speed bump on the way to my hibachi.
好吧他也不可能带着
Yeah, well, it's not like he could bring
一条死去的狗回密歇根吧那也太...
a dead dog back to Michigan, that's--
他没准备回去永远不回去了
He's not going back. Never going back.
如果他要回去又怎么会每周
If he does, how's he gonna put fresh flowers
在小闪的墓上放鲜花呢
every week on Sparky's grave?
就像乔·迪马吉奥和玛丽莲一样[曾为夫妻]
It's like fucking Joe DiMaggio and Marilyn.
比尔你♥爸♥正伤感着呢
Hey, Bill, your dad is grieving.
-你就不能对他宽容点吗 -什么
- Why don't you cut him some slack? - What?
怎么没人对我宽容点呢
Why doesn't somebody cut me some slack?
在我后院里埋着一条不明身份的小狗
I'm the guy with the tomb of the unknown terrier in his backyard.
好了
Okay.
你去哪儿
Where you going?
雇人到有庆祝活动的人面前唱歌♥祝贺
我有个歌♥唱电报表演
I got a singing telegram gig.
我们之后在你那里见吗
Should I meet you at your place later?
我很累演出结束以后
Yeah, I'm pretty tired, I think I'm just gonna do the gig