含笑台上（2017）

I'm Dying Up Here S01E10

Part 2 May 7, 2021, 2:49 p.m.

稍后我们将请到喜剧演员盖比·施瓦茨
and we're gonna be right back with comedian Gabe Schwartz.
听好接下来的一周时间
Now, listen up. He's gonna be performing
他都会在西奥多国王俱乐部表演
all week long at King Theodore's,
记得去看哦
So check him out.
但是首先先用音乐唤起你的耳朵
But first, a little help with your morning commute
来自于伪装者的
From the pretenders-- "A broken heart"...
"伤透了心"
"Cries."
理发师那个笑话挺逗的
Funny bit, that barber thing.
谢谢
Oh, thank you.
怎么
What?
这是机密吗
It's a secret?
我可坐这儿拿着纸和笔呢
I'm sitting here with a pad and a pencil.
好吧大♥师♥
Okay, maestro.
艾娃·嘉宝要离婚了
Eva Gabor's getting divorced.
我需要三个和交通天气有关的笑话
I need three jokes by traffic and weather.
磨人的小蜘蛛
And the itsy-bitsy spider...
又爬到了洗脸池上
climbed up the spout again!
节目不太够
It's a little light.
还有几个人也跑了
Few more defections.
妈的
Fuck.
把艾博尔
Promote, uh, Abel...
豪或者林德茜从"地窖"提上来
Howe, or Lindsey up from the Cellar.
他们可以上场了
They're--they're-- they're ready.
艾博尔和林德茜去泰德那儿了
Abel and Lindsey are, uh... working Teddy's.
他们还是想在这边演出的可我们都知道
They still want to go up here, but we all know your policy
你对于在同一地区不同俱乐部表演的态度
on working clubs in the same zip code.
我可以让亚当上他还...凑合
I could bring up Adam. He's doing...all right.
我不想急着让他去补这个空缺
I am not rushing him to fix a leak in the lineup.
这帮挨千刀的
Ungrateful bastards.
他们竟然愿意为了十块钱
they're willing to blow off Johnny Carson
放弃"今夜秀"的机会
for ten bucks a set.
-是啊 -十块钱
- Yeah. - Ten bucks.
我猜
I guess...
很多人不是这么想的
a lot of 'em don't see it that way.
那他们到底怎么想的
Exactly how do they see it?
自从科雷的事之后就没人再上过"今夜秀"
That you haven't had a guy on Carson since Clay.
再加上说不定还会有
And that maybe now there are other ways
其他的方法上节目
to, you know, get there.
你什么意思米奇吗
What do you mean, Mitch?
相信我他是金玉其外败絮其中
Trust me, he's just window dressing over there.
出去的时候把门关上
Shut the door behind you.
我一直想打扮得帅一点因为我们都知道
I've been working on my look, because in Hollywood,
这在好莱坞是最重要的事
we all know that's what's most important.
我猜你们也一样认为我的长相
So I think we can all agree that my look is
很像一类人
synonymous with one thing.
跟我一起说渣男
Say it with me--bad boy.
我有这么一套
Yeah, this collection
"别来招惹我"系列羊毛衫
is actually my, uh, "don't mess with me" sweater.
满客正如我之前承诺过的
Full house, my man, just like I promised.
这里也曾经这样过
I've had 'em before.
对了
Oh, by the way,
所有的电器都符合消防规范
All the electricals are up to fire code--
没有任何问题
passed with flying colors.
你修好线路了
You fixed the wiring?
没有
No.
干得好巴顿
Good work, Barton.
有酒要不要给你倒一杯
Bar's open. Pour you one?
谢谢喝的话我会自己倒的
Thanks, I know my way around.
真不错
Cheery.
她死的时候银行账户里
She had 70 cents in her bank account
只剩70美分
when she died.
非常凄惨
Screwed at every turn.
都是群傻♥逼♥
Ah, the fuckers.
戈尔迪
Goldie.
最近有关于你和"女孩也幽默"的传闻
Word's out about you and "Girls Are Funny Too."
是吗说的啥
Yeah? And what's that word?
这正是我来的原因
Well, that's why I'm here.
你告诉我该说什么
You tell me what to say,
明天的报道里说的就会是什么
and that's what you'll read in tomorrow's reporter.
CBS台说是"创意差异"
CBS is saying "creative differences."
这和创意可没关系
There's nothing about creativity.
不过就是向资本妥协
It's all about commerce and compromise.
他们应该全都被拉出去枪毙
They should all be taken out and shot like gutter rats.
好吧
Okay.
好了
Now...
不如你告诉我
Why don't you tell me...
想让我写些什么
What you want me to print?
他们搞砸了
They ruined it.
他们把我最初的创意
They took an original idea
包上了各种浮夸的包装
and covered it in bright lights
却丢掉了最原本的创意
and sucked all the originality out of it.
凯伦·考茨威尔搞笑得一逼
Karen Cozwell-- she's funnier than shit.
却没能入选
She didn't make the cut
因为她不够漂亮
because she wasn't pretty enough.
这...
It's--
他们注重形式多于实质
They chose style over substance,
相貌多于实力把这个
looks over funny, and crushed it
原本可以让人捧腹大笑的节目变成了笑话
from a fucking belly laugh into a sideways grin.
如果让电视业的管理人员
If the people in charge of television
去管理医药的话
were in charge of medicine,
所有的人肯定都会死于梅毒
we'd all be dead from fucking syphilis.
现在该吐槽的也吐槽完了...
Now that we've got that out of our system...
以朋友的身份
Friend to friend,
你希望我怎么写
what do you want me to print?
朋友吗
Friend to friend?
把刚刚的一字一句全都写下来
Every fucking word.
"靠脸蛋拿到的工作"
"Hired only as a pretty face"?
戈尔迪就是这么看我的吗
That's all Goldie thinks I am?
好了...我们回来啦
And...we're back.
今天我们请到一位特别来宾
Today I have a special guest.
你们肯定在戈尔迪俱乐部里见过他
You've seen him at Goldie's on the strip.
有请特别特别搞笑的比尔·霍布斯先生
He's a very, very funny man, Mr. Bill Hobbs!
和高兴能来到这里肯尼
Oh, it's great to be here, Kenny,
在早上七点这个鸟儿起来也没虫吃的时间
At the ungodly hour of seven in the morning.
我可是四点半就来了
I've been here since 4:30,
所以你还是闭嘴吧
so shut up!
比尔上次我见你的时候
Now, Bill, last time I saw you
都只能被你揍毫无还手之力
I was in a fetal position while you kicked me.
是啊我确实揍了
Yeah, and I was punching you
你那张大胖脸
in that big, doughy face of yours.
最近揍过什么有意思的人吗
Been kicking and punching anybody interesting lately, huh?
有咱们听说过的吗
Anybody we've heard of?
最近倒是没有
No, not lately.
我都是靠抬棺材锻炼的肯尼
All my exercise has come from being a pallbearer, Kenny.
很不幸我父亲最近因心脏病去世了
Sadly, my father passed away recently--heart attack.
节哀顺变比尔
I'm--I'm sorry to hear that, Bill.
谢谢感激不尽
Ah, thanks, I appreciate that,
但我得说抬棺材真的很锻炼身体
but I got to tell you, being a pallbearer is a great workout.
大家都以为我在哭
You know, people thought that I was crying,
可那其实是我的汗
but I was actually sweating profusely.
我得跟大家声明一点
And just so people know the difference,
人哭的时候是不会发出咕噜声的
you don't usually grunt when you cry.
我以前一直不理解火葬肯尼直到我
I didn't really get cremation, Kenny, until I had to haul
把我父亲的遗体抬上山放进墓地里
my father's body up a hill to his plot.
我的确失去了父亲但我也掉了五磅肉
I did lose my dad, but, uh, I also lost five pounds.
听到这个消息我很难过
Ho ho. I'm sorry to hear that.
但你知道吗你正好提醒了我
But you know what? Great note for me.
我爹得有一百多公斤重呢
My dad's a solid 365.
我得好好记住你的教训
I'm gonna keep that in mind.
听着稍后我们将继续了解这位
Listen, we're gonna be back with the master of dark,