含笑台上（2017）

I'm Dying Up Here S01E02

Part 4 May 7, 2021, 2:46 p.m.

The abortion bit kills,
但你懂的电视嘛
but, you know, TV, right?
不是我不喜欢你那些家事那些挺好的
Not that I don't like your family stuff, it's good.
但只能算次级题材
It's a solid B.
萨利这是替补演员穿的衣服吗
Sully, is that what they're wearing on the bench?
老天啊
Jesus.
盖比咱俩嗑药去吧
Gabe... let's go get stoned.
为什么我要在上台前把自己
Why the fuck would I want to get stoned
搞得神志不清
before I go up?
别对我这么凶嘛
No need to take my head off.
我只是觉得你的压力很大
I just know you're under a lot of pressure,
想帮你释放一下而已
and I want to help you out.
如果你就这幅模样肯定表演不好
You know your shit does not play well when you're like this.
你敢说一个字埃德加
One fucking word, Edgar,
我就让你只能用吸管小口吃玉米卷饼
and you'll be sipping your next burrito through a straw.
戈尔迪想让你去她家
So Goldie wanted you to come up to her house
好让你给她做做手艺活
so you could do some handyman work?
我就在想她可能...
And I'm up here thinking she gonna
是要让我去"地窖"表演什么的
give me The Cellar or some shit.
-是啊 -才不会
- Right. - Nope.
哦哟哟小鲜肉要上门服务了
Coo-coo-cachoo, Ms. Jackie Robinson.
不是你想的那样
Okay, it's not like that.
对吧
Is it?
说不定是面试呢
Well, maybe it's like an audition.
试你的鸡
For your cock.
不她不是说过你很搞笑吗
No, she already said you were funny, right?
现在她想听听看你能多搞笑
Now she's trying to see how funny.
她跟我们这群傻♥逼♥都称兄道弟的
She's all buddy-buddy with these shitheads.
说不定她就是这样自来熟
And maybe that's how she does it.
让她震惊吧
Go wow her.
-用你的鸡 -妈的够了
- With your cock. - What the fuck?
你前面说我们这群傻♥逼♥
Were you including me when you were
包不包括我
talking about those shitheads?
因为说真的我很乐意不用再累死累活
Because, frankly, I would love to be promoted
当个快乐的傻♥逼♥
from peon to shithead.
我现在跟戈尔迪都是直呼其名的了
Well, you know Goldie and I are on a first-name basis now.
当然了她以为我叫弗雷迪
Of course, she thinks that name is "Freddie".
等等你不叫弗雷迪
Wait. Your name isn't Freddie?
不是有意打断你对搞笑的尝试
Not to interrupt your mutual attempts at banter,
不过那边有一个落单的傻♥逼♥
but there appears to be a shithead in distress
在我们聊天的时候冲你招手
waving you over as we speak.
失陪
Excuse me.
-我打算讲毕加索那段子 -什么
- I'm going with the Picasso bit. - What?
-为什么 -因为埃德加说
- Why? - Because Edgar
我的那些家长里短很无聊
said my family shit is lame,
他说得没错确实无聊
and he's right-- it is lame.
毕加索的段子虽然没处理过但那都没关系
And the Picasso bit is raw, but that doesn't even matter.
-好听打住 -不你听我说
- Okay, stop-- No. Stop. - No, listen-- Listen--
我只听到你说了"埃德加"
You know, the only word I heard you say was "Edgar".
你了解他的
You know Edgar.
他不就会到处扰乱别人的心思吗
He makes his living messing with people's minds.
毕加索段子是不错
The Picasso bit is gonna be great,
但还没处理好
but it's a work in progress,
而且你讲家长里短的效果一直不错
and you always kill with your family stuff.
你今晚也一定会表现出色
And you're gonna kill it tonight.
去他妈的埃德加
Fucking Edgar.
你说得对
You're right.
有个当喜剧演员的女朋友真好
It's nice having a girlfriend who's a comedian.
好了滚去好好准备吧
Hey, fuck off. Have a good set.
我总是不习惯有些东西的尺寸
I can't get used to the size of things out here.
我去过比弗利山庄的公共泳池
I went to this Beverly Hills public pool.
那泳池超大一点也不挤
Big pool, not crowded...
也不是公共的
also, not public.
原来我进了别人家的后院
Turns out I was in someone else's backyard.
我还因非法入侵被抓起来了
They had me arrested for trespassing.
可是在我老家你要是有这么大的院子
But where I'm from, if you got a yard that big,
早就进监狱了
you already in jail.
我很佩服民权运动
You know, I admire the Civil Rights movement.
真不知道他们怎么成的
I don't know how they did it.
你们能想象犹太人搞暴♥动♥吗
You know, could you imagine Jews rioting?
那大火那热浪
Oh, all that fire, the heat.
再抓几条德国牧羊犬凑数
Throw a couple German Shepherds in there,
它可不算是我们喜欢的品种
not exactly a breed we gravitate to.
但是说到抗♥议♥
But protesting on the other hand.
抗♥议♥反倒可能是犹太人擅长的
Protesting is something Jews might actually excel at,
因为抗♥议♥...
because protesting--
基本就是组团抱怨嘛
basically organized complaining.
我们想要什么
You know? What do we want?
自♥由♥
Freedom.
什么时候想要
When do we want it?
我也不知道就只是想要
I don't know. I'm just worried.
我没结婚
I'm not married.
我一点也不喜欢结婚
I don't like the idea of marriage, you know?
结婚纪念日送礼物真是倒胃口
I find the anniversary gifts a real turnoff.
第一年纸婚第二年棉婚
First year, paper. Second year, cotton.
第三年皮革婚
Third year, leather.
听着像是个自杀工具套装
Sounds like a suicide kit.
纸可以用来写自杀遗书
Paper to write the suicide note with.
"亲爱的谢谢你去年送我的棉花
"Thanks for the cotton last year, honey,
"还有今年送我的用来上吊的皮带"
"and this year for the belt to hang myself with."
我觉得这个说法该改一改了
I think we need to update this list, right?
第一年和平第二年静默
First year, peace. Second year, quiet.
第三年和你妹妹缠绵
Third year, fix me up with your sister.
一会我的介绍尽量简短霸气点
Don't fuck me on this intro. Just keep it short and sweet.
"超搞笑的埃德加·马丁内斯"
"Very funny man, Edgar Martinez."
我不怎么会面对这么多人撒谎
Yeah, I'm not really big on lying to the public.
照我说的做等你飞黄腾达了
Okay, just do what I ask, and I'll do you the favor
我会帮你挡掉戈尔迪那狗嘴里
of swatting away all the pigs that fly out of Goldie's ass
-喷出的污言秽语 -我该上场了
- when you get your big break. - That's my time.
-谢谢各位的捧场 -傻♥逼♥
- Thank you guys so much. - Douche.
女士们先生们有请比尔·霍布斯
Bill Hobbs, ladies and gentlemen, Bill Hobbs!
你们今晚看得开心吗
Are you guys having a good time tonight, huh?
很好很好
Good, good, good, good!
这位先生肯定开心毕竟瞧瞧他的女伴
I know this guy is, 'cause, wow, look at his date.
简直美若天仙而他挫到爆
She is gorgeous. And he is not.
我靠天啊恶灵退散
Whoo-ah! God, the power of Christ compels you.
千万别直视他的眼睛
Don't look straight into his eyes.
我看到这对的时候
When I look at this couple, I-I feel that
总觉得你是不是抽签抽到鬼了
a short straw somehow played a role in this.
打赌输了
Did you lose a bet?
还是...还是桌子底下有枪抵着你
Are you--are you-- is there a gun under the table?
各位也别同情她她是按体重收费的
Guys, don't feel bad for her. She charges by the pound.
她现在很好一点也没事
She's doing great. She's good.
她是你女儿还是说你很有钱
Is this your daughter, or--or are you just rich?
-都对 -都对太好了
- Both. - Both! Nice!
下个问题你有对象了吗
Well, a follow-up question-- are you single?
因为我一直想找个土豪岳父
Because I'm looking for a sugar daddy-in-law.
她没回答晚点再告诉我好了
Yeah? She's not answering. She'll tell me later.
好了各位我们继续
All right, guys, let's move on.
下一位要上场的这位
We have got a guy coming up.
他是墨西哥人就这样晚安
He is Mexican. That's his act. Good night.
不我开玩笑的
No, I'm kidding, kidding.
说真的这人很棒
Seriously, uh, this guy is great.
如果人生是一顿饭他只带了鳄梨酱
If life is a potluck, he only brought the guacamole.
他来自布兰特伍德的贫困街区
He's straight out of the mean streets of Brentwood,
来这告诉你们墨西哥人有什么不同
here to tell you how Mexicans are different,
有请埃德加·马丁内斯
Edgar Martinez!
-你死定了 -咬我啊
- You are a dead man. - Blow me.
我们
We are.
我们很不同对吧
We are-- we are different, right?
比如说当墨西哥人去商店时