含笑台上（2017）

I'm Dying Up Here S01E05

Part 5 May 7, 2021, 2:47 p.m.

他在卡森秀上可不能这么演
he can't do any of this on Carson.
前五分钟他还是卡森式演出
His first five minutes were Carson.
而现在的是真正的幽默
This is actual humor.
比利
Billy.
我们得走了
I think we're gonna get going.
什么我要上台了
What? I'm going up.
爸很担心小闪
Dad's worried about Sparky.
小闪没事的爸
Sparky's fine, Dad.
他独处太久了
He's been alone too long,
除非你想看到狗尿得到处都是
and unless you want dog piss all over the place...
下个就是我
I'm up next.
只要十五分钟
Fifteen minutes.
一小时之内就可以到家
We'll be home within the hour.
好吧
All right.
我没结婚
I'm not married.
但我在寻找佳人良缘不易
I am looking, though. Relationships are hard.
你们觉得呢真的
What do you think? You know? Really.
我想动物间的感情最纯粹
I feel like animals have it the best.
两条狗相遇
Two dogs meet.
闻闻这嗅嗅那
A sniff here, sniff there.
他们干一炮后
They get to have sex,
立马就跑回去追松鼠玩
and then it's right back to chasing squirrels.
谁都不会因为谁没回电♥话♥就生气
No one's mad that no one called.
也都不会有负罪感
You know, there's no guilt trip.
也永远听不到这种对话靖哥
You never get one of those... Spike?
对我是绒儿
Yeah, it's Fluffy.
绒儿白色小猎犬记得吗
Fluffy, white terrier, remember?
你挣脱了狗链我欲♥火♥难耐
You were off your leash, I was in heat?
你说我的吠声
You said my bark was
十分撩人
infectious.
绒儿对
Uh, Fluffy, ye-uh-yeah,
我本打算打给你的我本来打算
I was-I was gonna call. I was just gonna
联♥系♥你的
just gonna call.
够了靖哥别说了
Don't, Spike, don't.
你撒谎的话不仅是侮辱我也是侮辱你自己
You demean us both when you lie, okay?
绒儿等我去找你
Fluffy, just let me come over.
我们聊聊
We can just...talk.
"聊聊"
"Just talk."
你以为我真是幼稚无知吗
You think I was born yesterday?
苍天我都两岁了
I'm two for Christ's sake.
绒儿何必闹成这样呢
Fluffy, why-why-why does it have to be like this?
你根本没听我说话靖哥
You're not hearing me, Spike.
你根本没听我说话
You're not hearing me, okay?
如果咱俩掰了而你那湿漉漉的狗嘴
If we're out, and I feel your wet snout rub across
还来摸搓我那诱惑紧致缩拢的后阴
my deliciously beautiful tight, puckered anus...
我一定告你性侵我
I will take that as an act of aggression
我发誓我准会一把将你那口红管大小的
and I swear, I will rip that tube of lipstick you call a cock
鸡♥巴♥玩意儿拔♥出♥来♥
right out of its socket!
真的
True.
谢谢
Well, thank you.
你们是群优秀的观众
Uh, you been a great audience,
只是稍微上了点年纪
slightly on the older side,
所以感谢大家这么晚了还捧场
so I appreciate you coming out so late,
鉴于这都晚上九点钟了还得委屈你们
seeing how it's nine o'clock and a lot of you
在一个小时以内起床吃早饭
have to get up for breakfast in about an hour.
牛肉薏米汤没了
We are out of the beef barley soup.
86号♥牛肉薏米
86 beef barley.
好下一位喜剧人非常搞笑
Okay. Our next comic is a very funny guy,
亚当·普罗托他很快就登场谢谢
Adam Proteau, he will be up here shortly. Thanks.
你确定在这表演没问题吗
Hey, you sure that anything goes here?
因为我的素材还都很生硬
'Cause all of my stuff is still pretty raw.
这种地方就是为此存在的
Well, that's what places like this are for.
好
Okay.
美国丧尸片导演代表作《活死人之夜》
这里就像是乔治·罗梅罗的电影
It looks like a George Romero movie in here.
女士们先生们掌声送给埃迪·赛德尔
Give it up for Eddie Zeidel, ladies and gentlemen...
这样才能提升自己懂吗
Hey, this is how you get better, okay?
扩大观众群
Expand your audience.
在与你格格不入的舞台上表演
Play in rooms you're not supposed to be in.
是啊我完全同意
Yeah, I mean, I definitely agree about
"我与这格格不入"这部分
the "I'm not supposed to be in here" part.
天啊抱歉我
Man, I'm sorry, I...
今晚我要跟大家讲讲"操"这个主题
Well, tonight I want to talk to y'all about fucking.
天
Oh, God.
你们现在还会"操"吧
But you--y'all- y'all still fucking, right?
梅尔文你这黑鬼赶紧滚出来
Melvin, get your black ass out here.
来了
Coming, man.
你就穿这身
This is what you wearing?
有什么问题吗
What, something wrong?
哥们战争结束了
Man, the war is over, man.
你怎么还这身打扮这身烂透了
Why you holding onto this? This shit is beat.
当我在越南的时候却想着回家
You know, when I was there, all I could think about was here.
现在我回来了又老是想起越南的事
And now I'm here, all I think about is there. Man, you...
这就是你的问题你陷住了
That's your problem. You stuck.
你觉得警♥察♥下班了还会穿着制♥服♥吗
You think a cop wears his uniform when he's off-duty?
才不会你也下班了
Hell no. You off-duty.
把那个给我
Now, give me that.
给你什么
Give you what?
那件外套
That jacket.
这些年我的体重一直波动起伏
Look, my weight has fluctuated over the years
我相信我的衣柜里有你穿得下的衣服
so I'm sure I got something in my closet that'll fit you.
-把这给我 -不要
- Now, give me this. - No, man.
把外套给我兄弟
Give me that jacket, man.
这才对嘛
Ha, all right.
这才对
There he is.
你等一会儿给你找件帅气点的
Now, you hold on, let me get you some fly shit.
你是被堕落的赌鬼养大的
You raised by degenerate gamblers?
不我爸妈都是高尚的人
No, salt of the Earth, the pair of them.
只是赢不了钱
Just didn't take.
戈尔迪跟我说约翰尼改变主意了
Goldie tells me that Johnny's had a change of heart.
你把孩子带回来了
You bringing the kids back up.
对我坚决反对约翰尼
Oh, yeah, I had to put my foot down with Johnny.
我跟他直说了要么把孩子带回来
I told him flat out, either you bring those kids back
要么别折腾了因为这是你的演出
or you don't 'cause it's your show.
我只是在这干活
I only work here.
打通电♥话♥或许比较好
A call would have been nice.
什么
Pardon?
就是打电♥话♥啊
You know, a phone call?
省得你白去新奥尔良找一个倒霉孩子
Save you a schlep to New Orleans to find a fuckin' kid.
你就像叼着骨头的狗发现了吗
You are like a dog with a bone, did you know that?
我说了
I told you,
我认识的人碰巧在新奥尔良然后见到了他
I had a guy who happened to be in New Orleans and saw him.
他会在你的俱乐部表演一个月
He's gonna be playing your club all month long.
双赢
We all win.
我只想说你的牌技烂透了
You're just lucky you suck so bad at cards,
算是走运了米奇
that's all I'm saying, Mitch.
好吧
Oh, ho, well.
我也爱你
I love you, too.
你知道你该把谁招进你的俱乐部吗
You know who you got to get in your club?
里格斯和金
Is Riggs and King.
天啊你看过那些数据吗
My God, did you see those numbers?
-五千万观众 -五千万观众
- 50 million people. - 50 million people.
就为了网球
For tennis.
能想象对于真正有趣的事
Can you imagine what those numbers would be
这些数据会是多少吗
for something that was actually interesting?
电视台都很关注
Well, networks are paying attention.
他们想将其资本化
They want to capitalize.
大家都在寻找
Everybody is looking for things
女人和"泰山"都能做的事
Jane can do as well as Tarzan.
那喜剧怎么办
And what about comedy?
我可以召集一群女的