含笑台上（2017）

I'm Dying Up Here S01E01

Part 1 May 7, 2021, 2:45 p.m.

我们以后会知道的
Well, but, we'll find out.
很高兴大家今晚的心情都不错
I'm glad you're in a good mood tonight.
我请到的下一位嘉宾是位非常幽默的喜剧演员
My next guest is a very funny comic,
这是他在《今夜秀》舞台上的首次亮相
making his first Tonight Show appearance.
他曾是波士顿人
He's a former Bostonian.
请大家掌声欢迎科雷·阿普佐
Will you please give a warm welcome to Clay Appuzzo?
加州洛杉矶市
年
?When you climb to the top of the mountain?
?Look out over the sea?
?Think about the places perhaps?
?Where a young man could be?
?Then you jump back down to the rooftops?
?Look out over the town?
?Think about all of the strange things?
?Circulating round?
?It ain't easy?
?It ain't easy?
?It ain't easy to get to Heaven?
?When you're going down?
?Well all the people have got their problems?
?That ain't nothing new?
?With the help of the good Lord?
?We can all pull on through?
?We can all pull on through?
?Get there in the end?
?Sometimes it'll take you right up?
?And sometimes down again?
?It ain't easy?
?It ain't easy?
?It ain't easy to get to Heaven?
?When you're going down?
恭喜各位女士了
Congratulations, ladies.
恭喜你们最高法♥院♥赢了
Congrats, by the way. Big court win.
堕胎合法了
Abortion is legal.
真棒
Yes.
为这件事鼓鼓掌吧男人们也都鼓掌庆贺吧
Clap for that. Clap for that, guys.
这对我们来说也是件好事啊
多棒啊
That's fantastic, man.
你们说那些莆田系医院是不是得气死了
How pissed are back-alley abortionists?
整整六个月的兽医培训呢
There goes six months of veterinary school
就这样白瞎了
right down the drain.
我妈生了六个孩子我是其中之一
My mom had six children. I'm one of six.
据她所说我们全都是意外
And according to her, we were all accidents.
六次意外怀孕
Six accidental pregnancies.
但我们现在想明白了不是吗
We figured it out by now, haven't we?
这整个小♥弟♥弟♥小妹妹的谜团
This whole penis-vagina conundrum, right?
这又不是什么曼哈顿计划
It's not the Manhattan Project.
不是一群科学家围着一个婴儿站着
Not a bunch of scientists standing around a baby
说哎呀我也不知道这是从哪儿来的
in a room going, well, I-I don't know how this got here.
我实在是想不通啊
I'm not quite sure I understand.
爱因斯坦教授您来说说
Yes, Professor Einstein?
这个我就是...我有...
Yeah, I just--I have--
我猜啊请勿见怪
I just have a hunch, if you will.
也许可能这些孩子都是操出来的
Maybe, perhaps, the babies are coming from the fucking?
你们觉得是不是操出来的
Do you think it's from the fucking?
这只是我的个人看法
That's just my opinion.
小心点我盯着你呢
Watch out. I got my eye on you.
?But maybe?
?I'm for real?
真棒
Yes.
尝起来就是明晃晃的钞票啊
Tastes like tens and twenties.
嗨罗博
Hey, Rob.
嗨戈尔迪
Hey, Goldie.
你昨晚在"商店"表现得很好啊
So you killed it at the Store last night.
我也想来这里的
You know, I-I wanted to be here,
可这里唯一的空档
but, you know, the only open spot
都要等到一点以后了
wasn't until after one.
精彩的总是在最后啊
Well, a lot of good comics go up after one.
这我同意
Oh, I agree.
只是我七点还得去上班
I just, you know, I have to be up at work at seven.
我完全明白
Totally understand.
可我不在乎
I just don't give a shit.
?Is what you get?
戈尔迪不过又是操蛋的一晚嘛
Okay, Goldie, well, it's just one fucking night, right?
我在办公室撞见我前任正让人给他吹葫芦丝
Caught my ex getting a blow job in our office.
就找了支钢笔把他丫手给捅穿了
Took a fountain pen and stuck it through his hand.
这也只算是操蛋的一晚
That was one fucking night too.
?I said what you see?
好吧
Okay.
?Is what you get?
戈尔迪
Goldie.
怎么...
What the--
罗博他犯了个错
Rob, uh, he made a mistake.
尽管我觉得这样的惩罚有点过了
And although I find the punishment harsh,
不过倒也还说得过去
I do find it just.
我能跟他单独待五分钟吗
Can I have his five minutes, please?
?And you know some people?
怎么了卡尔
What's up, Carl?
有人坐到我的卡座里了
People sitting in my booth's what's up.
妈的
Fuck.
不然我给你找个别的座位吧就今天一晚
Can I sit you somewhere else, please, just for tonight?
你知道我今晚会带谁来吗
You know who I'm bringing here tonight?
-查理 -卡勒斯
- Charlie... - Callas.
没错机灵鬼
Yeah, that's right, smart guy.
你是打算告诉美国珍宝
You're gonna tell an American treasure
他只能坐后排
he's gotta sit in the back?
好吧
All right.
从这个地方开业起那个卡座就一直是我的
Yeah, that's been my booth since the joint opened.
你♥他♥妈♥的最好给我记住了
Should fuckin' know better.
混账东西
Prick.
不如我请你们喝几杯吧怎么样
How 'bout some free drinks? Does that sound good?
?You know some people?
?Are made of lies?
?To bring you down?
?And shame your name?
妈的我的洋葱圈去哪儿了
Where the fuck are my onion rings?
没有零食他们是不喝的
They're not drinking if they don't get their salt.
科雷上台的时候记得叫我一声
Somebody call me when Clay goes up.
醉醺醺的牙医拿着一对涮肉叉
Drunk dentist with a pair of fondue forks...
地窖
?All I want to do is love you...?
还有什么
What else?
我找了个宠物石头它特别可爱
I got myself a pet rock. He's very sweet.
它是我从大街上解救来的
He was a rescue. I rescued him off the street.
一块迷途的石头
He was a stray.
宠物石头超棒的
Pet rocks are great.
它很懂得保护我
He's very protective of me.
我可没想到它会这样超搞笑的
I was not expecting that. It's funny.
每次我男朋友对我说了重话
Anytime my boyfriend says something mean,
它就会从我手中跳出来砸到他的头上
he just jumps out of my hand and hurls himself at his head.
我想让它别再这样可它就是不听
Try to get him to stop, but he won't.
给我们看看你的奶♥子♥
Show us your tits!
你先来吧先生
You first, sir.
女士们先生们骑士精神还没有消亡
Ladies and gentlemen, chivalry is not dead.
不如来舔舔我的屌♥吧
Hey, why don't you suck my dick?
多么贴心的邀请啊
What a sweet invitation.
我已经很久没被人约过了
I have not been asked out on a date in a long time.
你们可是一大群人啊
There's a bunch of y'all, huh?
什么场合啊
So what's the occasion?
我的单身派对
It's my bachelor party.
那你们来这里干嘛
Well, what are you doing in here?
后备箱里的妓♥女♥可不会自己把自己埋了啊
That hooker in the trunk ain't gonna bury herself.
一个男人走进我的办公室
A man comes into my office.
问我可不可以用我的录音机
He says, can I use your Dictaphone?
我说不行麻烦你像其他人一样
I say, no, you use your finger
自己"动手"丰衣足食
like everybody else.
得了吧你们这群流氓少在那里假正经了
Come on, you bastards, get off your high horses.
嗨戈尔迪来坐
Hey, Goldie, sit.
这个人挺好笑的
Ah, that's a funny one.
亚当·普鲁托你觉得怎么样
Adam Proteau. What do you think?
我觉得我的胡子
I think I got more hair on my lip
都比他的蛋毛多
than he does on his nuts.
你能腾出点时间来让他在"地窖"表演吗
Can you stick him in The Cellar?
弗雷瑟和斯蒂芬森已经在开麦夜表演了一年多了
Fleischer and Stephenson open mic'd for over a year.
相信我如果他们当初
Trust me, if they'd spent a little more time and sweat
能多下点苦功
building the Titanic,
也不会像泰坦尼克号♥一样沉船了
the word would still just mean "big."
凯
Hey, Kay,
来杯纯的罗布罗伊