含笑台上（2017）

I'm Dying Up Here S01E10

Part 3 May 7, 2021, 2:49 p.m.

黑色幽默大♥师♥比尔·霍布斯
comedian Bill Hobbs,
体育新闻和天气预报之后马上回来
right after sports and weather.
老比你觉得等会儿
Hey, Billy, what do you say
我们接几个观众来电如何
we take a few calls when we come back?
没问题聊个污就更好了
I say let's do it, preferably obscene.
有多污来多污尽在肯尼早间节目
Obscene it is, on Kenny in the AM.
好了我得去撒泡尿
All right, I got to take a leak.
喂给我们倒两杯咖啡
Hey, grab us a couple coffees.
我倒咖啡
Me? Coffees?
你是服务员干这事很难吗
You're a waiter. Is it that big of a stretch?
加奶再加两块糖
Milk, two sugars.
妈的
Fuck.
要咖啡吗
Coffee?
不用了
I'm good.
好
Cool.
比尔
Bill?
你父亲的事我很抱歉
Sorry about your dad.
谢谢兄弟
Thanks, man.
谢谢你能来
Thanks for coming.
不要为上了别人上过的女人而自豪
Never too proud for sloppy seconds.
所以说真的...
So, seriously...
你和超级特工布伦纳
You and Super Agent Brenner?
只能说是... 彼此意见不合吧
Let's just say it was a... mutual parting of the ways.
"彼此"
"Mutual"?
是啊
Yeah.
尼克这里不过屁大点个地
Nick, this town's only big in square miles.
这里的名声比一张邮票
In reputations, it's slightly fucking smaller
还要小
than a postage stamp, man.
那你还问什么
Why the fuck ask?
知道我为什么来这里吗尼克
You know why I'm here, Nick?
害怕绝望
Fear and desperation.
喜剧演员的种类就和鸡尾酒一样多真的
Yeah. Comic's cocktail of choice, man, seriously.
每天你都会发现自己越来越平庸
Every day you know that you grow less special,
而我就喜欢这种感觉
and I fucking love that.
我喜欢是因为我可以把那家伙推销出去
I love that, because I can sell that guy, huh?
因为那家伙他会听我的
'Cause that guy? That guy'll fucking listen.
他可以不惜一切代价
That guy'll do whatever the fuck it takes
只为不被淘汰
to stay in the game, man.
所以面对现实吧
So let's face it...
他还能去哪儿
Where else he got to go?
不是吗
Right?
所以我们才来这儿
It's why we're here.
好我去看看能问出点什么来
Good. Well, let me see what I can dig up.
与此同时
Oh, in the meantime,
改改你的臭脾气好吗
lose the badass bullshit, okay?
说真的
Seriously...
现在是买♥♥方说了算了尼克
It's a fucking buyer's market out there, Nick.
我会打给你的
I'll call you.
下周一
Next Monday?
我跟你说的是这周末要27斤冷冻鸡腿
I tell you I need 30 pounds of frozen drumsticks by the weekend,
结果你♥他♥妈♥说要下周一
and you are telling me next fucking Monday?
操
Oh, fuck.
行行行放你♥妈♥的♥狗屁
Yeah, yeah, yeah, bullshit!
你听我说话了吗彼得
Are you listening, Peter?
现在这里他妈的还有没有人能听我说话
Does anybody in this fucking town listen?
彼得现在我只剩下自己了只有自己
Peter, I am all alone here, all right? Alone.
所有破事全他妈的压在我身上
Everything falls on my fucking shoulders.
如果你真想帮我听好我需要的...
So, if you want to help, here's what I need--
是互惠互利
reciprocity,
哪怕一丁点的忠诚
a fucking sliver of the loyalty
想想这么多年我他妈是怎么对你的
that I have shown you over the fucking years!
别只是嘴上说说
Not in word, in deed.
把他妈的鸡腿给我搞定
You get me those goddamn drumsticks!
20岁之后还是处♥男♥
Hey, listen, it's nothing wrong with still
并没有什么丢人的
being a virgin after 20, all right?
但我真的很喜欢洛杉矶
But I do love living in L.A., though.
真的别误会我
I do. Don't get me wrong, okay?
风景美丽气候适宜
It's beautiful. The weather's perfect,
女人又那么正点
The women are--mmm, yes.
而且游客们还真的都相信
And--and all the tourists are thoroughly convinced
我演了那啥片的黑人明星
that I'm that one black guy from that thing.
真的在这儿我就只是亚当·普罗托
I'm--I'm serious. In here, I'm just Adam Proteau.
可要是站在好莱坞大道
But out on Hollywood Boulevard,
老子就是西德尼·波蒂埃
I'm Sidney Poitier.
均为黑人男明星
本·沃伦
I'm Ben Vereen,
理查德·朗德特依
Richard Roundtree,
哈里·贝拉方特
Harry Belafonte.
我唯一不理解的就是有人把我认成
The one I don't understand though is--is
莲纳·荷恩我...
Lena Horne. I don't--
等等我像吗
Wait. Do y'all see it?
那这样呢
What if I--
路人会觉得太像了太像了
He's like, "I see it! I see it!"
我继父名叫帕内尔
Now, my stepdad's name was Parnell.
这世界上叫帕内尔的黑人就没有不是混♥蛋♥的
Now, it ain't a man alive named Parnell that's not an asshole.
白人也是
Even the white ones are bad.
赶紧给我滚下来
Get the fuck offstage.
帕内尔真的他妈看什么都不爽
Right, Parnell used to be in a bad mood about every fucking thing,
就连圣诞节也是
even Christmas.
他妈的居然还有人不喜欢圣诞节
How the fuck are you mad at Christmas?
什么你说婴儿耶稣生下来的时候
Oh, so what you're telling me is baby Jesus got frankincense, myrrh,
有乳香没药和黄金拿
and gold for his birthday when he was born?
靠怎么我生下来就只有被打屁♥股♥的份
Shit, all I got was a smack on my black ass when I was born.
连个出生证明都没有
Didn't even give me a birth certificate.
只有母乳和名牌
All I got was titty milk and a name tag.
还把我的名字写错了
And my name was spelled wrong.
他妈的达内尔是谁
Who the fuck is Darnell?
不过他不只针对圣诞节
But it wasn't just Christmas.
不只是圣诞节和圣诞老人
It wasn't just Christmas and Santa Claus, all right?
还有牙仙
It was also the tooth fairy.
我的所有朋友把掉的牙齿放枕头底下
Now, all of my friends would get coins from the tooth fairy
都能换到牙仙给的硬币
when they put a tooth under they pillow.
我也把牙齿放枕头底下了可屁都没有
I put a tooth under my pillow, I ain't get shit.
真的然后我就去找帕内尔发牢骚
Seriously, and I would try to complain... complain to Parnell--
"牙仙没在我的枕头底下放硬币"
"Hey, the tooth fairy didn't leave me shit under my pillow."
他回答 "牙仙已经给了你
His response was, "Look, the tooth fairy gave you
一个房♥子还有三顿饱餐了好吧"
a roof over you head and three square meals."
你要是不想再掉牙齿
If you don't want to lose another one,
那就乖乖...
you gonna get--
就是这样
And that's just how it goes.
感谢帕内尔女士们先生们
Matter of fact, Parnell, ladies and gentlemen.
亚当·普罗托
Adam Proteau!
这贱♥人♥就在那呢
This bitch right here--
亚当·普罗托
Adam Proteau.
操♥他♥妈♥的
Fucking dickhead.
朋友们帅哥们那边那位美女
Friends, Romans, lady right there--
说你呢大胸妹都看过来
you with them big-ass titties, lend me your ears!
亚当你♥他♥妈♥是想造♥反♥吗
Hey! Adam, what the fuck do you think you're doing?
不如让大家投票吧
I'm putting it to a vote.
你表演时间结束了快他妈下来
Hey, your time is up, get the fuck down from there.
-是吗拉尔夫 -结束了
- Is it, Ralph? - It's over.
那么大家投票吧这儿可是美国不是吗
So let's take it to a vote! This is America, right?
想听我继续讲吗
Now, should I continue?
为了公平起见还是问一句
Or--or--or-- this is a democracy--
还是想听拉尔夫讲
should we give Ralph back his stage?
-拉尔夫冷静 -你♥他♥妈♥死哪儿去了
- Ralph, calm down. - Where the fuck have you been?
你看到这里成什么样了子吗
You see what's happening in here right now?
我他妈从来就没见过
I ain't never seen nobody pull
像这混账干的这傻♥逼♥事
some fucking bullshit like this motherfucker just pulled.
拉尔夫他妈的闭嘴好吗
Ralph, shut the fuck up, okay?
-安静 -有本事你让我闭嘴