脆莓公园（2012）

Hey, baby. - Hey there.
你的妞呢
Where's your girl?
就在这儿 她叫TJ - 不对 她叫Tammy
Right here. This is TJ. - No this isn't. This is Tammy.
我叫Tammy Jane 我把你俩都约了
It's Tammy Jane. I go by either.
没想到吧 - 什么?
Surprise. - What?
你知道这什么意思 对吧? - 懂的 她是个克隆人
You know what this means, right? - Yeah. She's a clone!
杀了她
Kill her!
不 她要脚踩两条船
No! She's going out with both of us.
这样可不行 你只能选一个
This ain't gonna fly. You gotta choose.
你到底想和谁在一起?
Which one of us do you want?
好吧 我选Denzel - 闭嘴 Steve
Okay. I'm choosing Denzel. - Shut up, Steve.
我宁愿和你 也不要和这天杀的克隆人在一起
Well, I'd rather be with you than a stupid clone.
我可不是克隆人 也不会从你俩中选的
I'm not a clone. And I don't want to choose.
你们俩我都喜欢 不如我们来一场激♥情♥三角恋吧?
I like you both. What do you think about a menage a trois?
激♥情♥三角恋?
Menage a trois?
为什么要把Denzel的堂兄给扯进来?
What does Denzel's cousin have to do with this?
别犯傻了 Steve
Aw, don't be a dumbass, Steve.
那是一道鸡肉做的菜 对吧?
That's some kind of chicken dish, right?
男生们 我是在和你们说三人同床
Guys, what I'm proposing is a threesome.
那又是什么?
What's that?
Ethel 我都不敢相信你要参加选美比赛
Ethel, I can't believe you're going through with this.
选美毁一生啊 - 你咋这么反感选美?
Pageants ruin people's lives. - Why are you so anti-pageant?
你对选美又了解什么? - 只有你猜不到
What do you even know about them? More than you think.
还是个小孩时 我可是世界级的选美冠军
When I was younger, I was a world champion pageant queen.
记住一点 宝贝
Just remember, sweetie.
你又漂亮又有天赋 但如果你输了
You're beautiful and talented, but if you lose
耶稣会杀了奶奶 送她下地狱
Jesus will kill grandma and send her to hell.
好的 妈妈
Okay, mommy.
差点忘了 你还要喷笑脸棒
Oh, wait. You forgot your energy snort.
还有减肥桶
Time for the skinny bucket.
♪ 美♥国♥佬♥儿去镇上 ♪
♪ Oh, yankee doodle went to town ♪
♪ 骑着一匹小马... ♪
♪ riding on a pony... ♪
但就在要拿到高分的那一刻 我的青春期也到了
But just as I hit my high note, I also hit puberty.
♪ 他在帽子上插根鸡毛 ♪
♪ He stuck a feather in his hat ♪
♪ 取名叫做... ♪
♪ and called it... ♪
♪ 花♥花♥公♥子♥ ♪
♪ macaroni ♪
我胜出了吗?
Did I win?
那天我不得不走回家
I had to walk home that day.
等我回到家 家里人也都搬走了
And when I got there, my family had moved.
从此再没被爱过
I never felt loved again.
真的 Ethel 选美大赛很邪恶
I'm telling you, Ethel. Pageants are evil.
听起来你只是嫉妒我 因为你不可能再赢比赛了
Sounds like you're just jealous because you can never win one again.
只要我想赢 我就能赢
I could still win if I wanted to.
赢什么 吃馅饼大赛? 赛狗? 后背痤疮赛?
Win what, a pie-eating contest? A dog show? Most bacne?
最胖影子赛? 最深阴♥道♥赛?
Biggest shadow? World's sweatiest cunt?
你走着瞧吧
I'll show you.
我会参加国家公园小姐选美大赛
I'm gonna enter the Miss national park pageant
把你皮包骨的屁♥股♥打得落花流水
and beat your skinny little ass!
怎么了? Connie 别和选手吵架
What's going on? Connie! Don't speak to the talent.
事实上 Connie准备参加选美大赛
Actually, Connie has decided to enter the pageant.
想法不错 Connie
Good idea, Connie.
Ethel站在顶着红毛的冰箱旁边 美丽就更能衬托出来了
Ethel will look even prettier standing next to a red-headed refrigerator.
不 我要赢
No, I can win.
赢什么 吃馅饼大赛?
Win what, a pie-eating contest?
那梗我说过了
I already did that one.
那最深阴♥道♥赛呢? - 也说过了
How about sweatiest gunt? - Yep.
我靠 Malloy
Goddamn Malloy.
他把这些侮辱纸条给所有人卖♥♥了个遍
He's selling these insults to everybody.
得了吧 哥们 我才不乐意三人同床呢
Forget it, man. I ain't doing this threesome.
休想让我和别的男人睡一张床
There ain't no way I'm getting in bed with another dude.
这何止是和别的男人同床 你是和我同床呢
It's not just another dude. You'd be in bed with me.
嘘 Steve 我的屌♥都听得到
Shh. Steve, my dick can hear you.
拜托 哥们 这事绝对有趣
Come on, man. It'll be fun.
你的屌♥听到了吗? - Steve 我说真的
Did your dick hear that? - Steve, I'm telling you.
两个大男人玩三人同床危险得很
Two-dude threesomes are dangerous.
你说什么? - 我认得一个叫Artie的哥们
What are you talking about? - I know this guy Artie, right?
他就是玩的两男三人同床 然后不知怎的...
He was doing a two-dude threesome, and then out of nowhere...
胸前被跑漏的精♥液♥射了个中
Gets hit in the chest with some runaway jizz.
这玩意一旦遭中可就没得救了
That's some shit you ain't coming back from.
天哪... - 你这就觉得可怕了?
Man... - Oh, you think that's bad?
我哥们Reggie? 和他哥Tyreke也来了个三人同床
My boy Reggie? He and his brother, Tyreke, did a threesome.
结果出了意外...
Shit went wrong...
现在这俩逗逼结婚了
those two motherfuckers is married now.
你看? 大团圆嘛
See? A happy ending.
来嘛 这事一生只有一次的
Come on... this is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.
拜托? - 好啦 好啦
Please? - Oh, all right.
但咱们要做这事 就得做得尽善尽美
But if we do this thing, we gonna do it right.
该给你上上课了
Time to take you to school.
噢 我必须和学校保持50英尺的距离
Oh, I'm not allowed within 50 feet of those.
我的假释官说 那是"诱惑之屋"
My parole officer calls them "temptation houses."
起步 二 三 四
Step, two, three, four.
转个圈 撅腚露后门
Turn around and show the back door.
现在用你屁♥股♥做一遍
Now do it with your ass.
Woody 你在搞什么鬼? 我只有40公斤
Woody, what are you doing? I'm 90 pounds.
没错 奥普拉 我们得把你减到35公斤
That's right, Oprah. We need to get you into the 80s.
美国名脱口秀主持人 体型丰满
给我把你的肥屁♥股♥晃起来 然后做个金手指
Now shake that fat ass and give me sparkle fingers!
做不出金手指 我就把你的手指头给剪掉
You better make those fingers sparkle or I'll cut 'em off.
我了个天呐 Woody - 是我不对 是我不对 很抱歉
Jesus Christ, Woody! - You're right. You're right. I'm sorry.
给你... 我给你准备了点致胜的小玩意
Here... I got you a little something to help you win.
噢 Woody...
Oh, Woody...
等等 这些号♥码是干嘛的? - 是评委旅馆的房♥间号♥码
Wait, what are these numbers? - It's the judges' hotel rooms.
你得让他们每个人都对你用金手指
You're gonna get sparkle fingered by every single one of them.
萌萌的小Connie去哪儿了?
Oh, where did you go, little cute Connie?
我不可能赢的 - 你肯定能赢
I'll never win. - Of course you can win.
我知道 赢吃派比赛
I know. A pie-eating contest.
1994年度小小可人儿
鲸拉松 "性致"破坏大赛什么的
A whale-a-thon. A boner-killing contest.
错 我说的是选美
No. The pageant.
能不能顺便把"性致"破坏大赛这梗让给我?
And is it cool if I have that boner contest line?
绝对没希望的
This is hopeless.
胡说 我可以帮你赢
Nonsense. I can help you win this thing.
有一个条件 头等奖机票归我
On one condition. I get the first-prize plane ticket.
我要去中国转一圈 顺便宰个熊孩子
My goal is to see China. And murder a child.
为啥不就近在这儿宰一个?
Uh, why don't you just kill a Chinese kid here?
"怨"有头债有主 我要宰那个...
Not any Chinese kid. That Peking dick
把"吃蛋"视频传到Youtube上的北♥京♥小混♥蛋♥
who put my tea bag humiliation video on YouTube.
那就这么定了 反正我不在乎奖品
You got a deal. I don't care about the prize.
我只想打败Ethel - 咱要做的事儿还多着呢
I just want to beat Ethel. - We have got a lot of work to do.
这是不争的事实啊
There is no getting around the fact
你的火♥辣♥程度也就到年轻时代的John Goodman
that you're about as hot as a young John Goodman.
美国男演员
谢谢表扬
Thank you.
但搞定问答环节和才艺展示 那你肯定能赢
But you can take the whole thing if you nail the Q&A and talent competitions.
我最擅长这两样
Those two are my specialties.
我又可以当选美皇后了
I'll be a pageant queen again.
好哎 先庆祝一下
Yay! Time to celebrate!
马上就会有圣诞节的味儿了
It's beginning to smell a lot like Christmas.
体脂常见问题部位
唇部除须膏
第22届国家公园小姐选美大赛
姑娘们 这比赛我办了22年了
Ladies, I've produced this pageant for 22 years.
记住 你们只要露肉就好
Remember, you're all just sides of beef.
微笑 大家 面带微笑
Smiles, everyone. Smiles.
你没机会的 玩儿去吧你
You don't have a chance. You're... going... down.
等我赢了 玩大提顿这妹子给你看
Yeah, on miss Grand Tetons after I win.
美国大提顿国家公园
够了 Connie 别让她干扰到你 你才是最亮的星
That's it, Connie. Don't let her get in your head. You're a star.
是啊 看见她的人都被亮瞎了
Yeah, 'cause people go blind when they stare at her.
这梗真烂
That sucks.
Malloy 你这些挫笑话还是留着给Aziz Ansari用吧
Malloy, save these crappy jokes for Aziz Ansari.
美国谐星
今晚选美赛的裁判有...
And tonight's pageant will be judged by...
第22届国家公园小姐选美赛
前NBA明星 37个娃儿的爹
former NBA star and father of 37...