我爱上的人是奇葩（2014）
You're the Worst S05E06
Part 3
Oct. 14, 2020, 4:55 p.m.
我超爱你
I love you!
不好意思
Sorry.
你一个人吗
Are you alone?
- 我能坐过来吗 - 抱歉 我在赶工
- Can I join you? - Sorry, I'm on a deadline.
星期二
你回来了 饭在这
There you are. Food's here.
真香
Mnm, yum!
星期三
昨晚真是妙不可言
Last night was mindboggling.
我是不是挺厉害的
Am I still a little tender?
是的
Yes.
没想到还能做那种姿势
Well, I didn't know it could bend that way.
你应该加入太阳马戏团
You should be in Cirque du Soleil.
在吗 今晚
What, tonight?
我不敢相信你竟然出轨
I can't believe you're cheating on Gretchen,
你和格雷琴一起经历了这么多
after everything you've been through.
我没有出轨
I'm not cheating.
这周是约炮周 我俩在这周
It's Fuck Week. It's a week during which
- 都可以... - 听名字我就懂了
- both parties... - It's in the name.
但是 反转
But, twist:
我没跟任何人上♥床♥
I am not doing any cocksmanning.
不相信吧
Ho-ho! What?!
我在禁欲 因为我已经
I'm abstaining, because I've already participated
约过炮了
in Fuck Week.
在正式开始之前我就体验过了
I just did it before the official kickoff.
- 什么意思 - 之前花艺师
- What do you mean? - Well, having received...
给我口了一把 索然无味
underwhelming fellatio from a florist,
我设计了这个"短暂的延长号♥"
I've contrived this brief fermata
让格雷琴在肉体忠诚上同我扯平
in our carnal fealty to allow Gretchen to get even
这样她就不会知道
Without her ever knowing
我们的婚姻一开始就出现了不平衡
that there was a connubial imbalance in the first place.
所以你确实...
So you did...
出轨了
cheat on Gretchen,
你设计约炮周只是个幌子
and only suggested Fuck Week as a scam
不过是想毫不费力地摆脱罪恶感
to get rid of your guilt without ever owning up to what you did.
- 骗骗傻子呗 - 所以
- To the simpleton. - Oh, so, what,
格雷琴和别人上♥床♥
Gretchen sleeps with a bunch of guys...
你不吃醋吗
Won't you be jealous?
我事后吃醋
I am post-jealousy.
不过 格雷琴似乎沉迷于工作
But, as it turns out, Gretchen is too busy with work,
这话听着很荒谬
as ludicrous as that sentence sounds,
但也说明我的计划是"有缺陷的"
thus downgrading my plan to "Flawed."
你只要忠诚于她
Just be honest with her.
做吉米就好
Be Jimmy.
"做吉米"
Hmm. "Being Jimmy"
意味着听到蠢室友埃德加的建议后
means that, upon hearing advice from Dim Roommate Edgar,
我应该立刻拒绝并与之背道而驰
I should immediately reject said advice and do the opposite.
就这么决定了
It's settled, then.
我要以假乱真 来激励她
I shall double down and lean into the illusion to motivate her.
多谢你的"好"建议 埃德加
Good backwards advice, Edgar.
你又不小心这么做了
You've accidentally done it again.
星期四
好了
All right,
慢慢开始
start slow.
慢慢进入状态
Ease into it.
吻痕要留得恰到好处
The right amount of suction is imperative.
要形状完美 也要稍稍施力
Firm, but with an intermediate amount of pressure.
加点口水会有所帮助
Bit of moisture should help it along,
记住 不要用牙齿
and remember, No teeth.
我有经验 亲爱的
I've done this before, honey.
你想让我吻哪里
So, where do you want me?
就在...
Right...
这里
here.
过来打个招呼 我要忙死了
Come here, say hi. I'm dying.
我得去洗个澡
Oh, uh, well, I should really take a shower.
星期五
你为什么要在约炮周打电玩
Yo, why are you playing vids during Fuck Week?
你怎么知道的
How do you know about that?
你女人说她睡过不少了
Your girl told me how much she's fuckin'.
没准肚子都大了
She's probably pregnant by now.
可她都没去约炮啊
But she hasn't been doing it at all.
她一直在工作
She's been working, nonstop.
- 我亲眼看见的 - 你傻啊
- I've observed it myself. - Fool.
她只是在做做样子
She's putting on a show.
女人都是撒谎能手
Bitch is a pathological liar
尤其是即将结婚的女人
who's weeks away from getting that ring.
她还会继续骗你
She gonna lie even more now.
有次 她把热巧克力洒在裤子上
Once, when she spilled chocolate on her pants,
她跟干洗店的人说她拉在身上了
she told the dry cleaners that she'd shit herself
因为她不希望人家多想
because she didn't want him to judge her.
你开玩笑呢
You played yourself, man.
你把"汉堡神偷"纳入麦当劳的征信系统
You let the Hamburglar into McDonald's on the honor system
就能心安理得地坐在这打电动了吗
and you're sitting around here just playing video games?
你以为汉堡安全了吗
Thinking your burgers are safe?
你的汉堡要被偷咯
Your burgers are not safe!
你太傻了 吉米
You're so stupid, Jimmy.
你死了
Game over!
傻瓜 傻瓜 傻瓜
Stupid, stupid, stupid!
你的汉堡不保咯
Your burgers are not safe.
我真的失算了
I've lethally miscalculated.
我觉得我们能打成平手
I thought that it would make it even,
但根本不可能
but it's not remotely even.
我至少得睡一个人
I have to sleep with one person, at least.
而格雷琴已经睡了无数人
And Gretchen is fucking so many guys.
无数人
So, so many.
我以为你是事后吃醋的人
I thought you were post-jealousy.
我提前吃醋了
I am now mid-post jealousy.
看 神药
Oh, look! Ecstasy.
我得靠它找点感觉
Just the elixir I need to get into the perfect mindset.
有点脆诶
Hmm, a bit crumbly.
吃两颗效果更好
Better take two to ensure efficacy.
这件夹克有点年头了吧
When was the last time you wore that jacket?
也没那么老土吧
Hmm, can't have been that long ago.
看 我的旧随身听
Oh, look. My old Zune.
我得回家了
I'm going home.
忙工作都够头大了
I get screwed enough at work.
我在出汗吗
Am I sweating?
我们走 开门
Let's go, pal! Open up!
哥们 拜托 - 晚安 晚安
Dude, come on! - Night, night.
我们走 兄弟
Let's go, buddy.
别占着茅坑不拉屎 兄弟
Pee and go, my man.
星期六
昨晚很销魂吧 哥们
Rough night, huh, buddy?
大获全胜了吧
Winning!
昨晚的确很销魂
'Twas a crazy night, indeed.
- 你要出去 - 当然
- You off? - Of course.
约炮周的最后一天
Last day of Fuck Week.
太好了
Oh, well.
快去找乐子吧
Go, go have fun.
你太好了 吉米 我想立马嫁给你
You're so cool, Jimmy. I can't wait to marry you.
我现在就去找男人
Now I'm going to go get some dick.
多多益善哦
Climb on all the dicks.
谢天谢地 格雷琴终于开始游戏了
Thank God Gretchen's finally getting in the goddamn game.
"终于"是什么意思
What do you mean, "Finally"?
她放弃了约炮周唯一一次约炮机会
She called off her only attempt at Fuck Week
身心俱疲地回家找你
to come home to you, like a lame-o.
而你却在外面四处留情
But you were out squirting on dicks,
不是吗 花♥花♥公♥子♥
like you should be, playa.
这还得感谢你发的那张
Thank God you posted that gross,
难以直视的白屁♥股♥照
pasty-ass girl butt on your Insta.
终于让她有了外出捕"鸟"的冲动
It's what finally motivated her to go dick hunting.
那是我的屁♥股♥
That was my butt.
啥
我爱上的人是奇葩（2014）
You're the Worst
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