我爱上的人是奇葩（2014）

You're the Worst S05E03

Part 1 Oct. 14, 2020, 4:55 p.m.

再快点吉宝
Faster, Jimbo.
这个没用说点骚的
That's not helping. Talk hot.
- 我的脚上都是汗 - 这个可以
- Oh, my feet are so sweaty. - There you go.
真想快点把鞋子脱了
Oh, I can't wait to take my shoes off,
舒展我的脚趾
stretch my toes apart.
- 继续 - 反复地
- Oh, yeah, keep going. - Flex my arches
绷紧我的足弓
back and forth, back and forth.
摩挲你的小东西
Give 'em a little soak.
天哪爽翻了
Oh, boy, they're so wriggly!
三分四十四秒
3:44!
- 哇 - 速战成功
- Ah! - I think I have the bends.
我们破记录了
We broke our record.
吉米我们的速战都能得奖了
Jimmy, we could medal in speed fucking.
是啊我们完全可以婚礼后再啪
Yeah, or we could just wait until after the reception.
- 和正常人一样 - 婚礼酒水免费
- Like people. - Open bar, bro.
我们那时肯定烂醉如泥了
We'll be way too schnozzled by then.
而且新婚夜
And you have to bang
还得洞房♥
on your wedding night.
就好比你打碎镜子
Like how, if you break a mirror,
你祖母的鬼魂就会跑出来看你自♥慰♥
your grandmother's ghost sees you masturbate.
你们对场地有什么问题吗
Can I answer any questions about the venue?
古德温姐妹真是在这里被谋杀的吗
Did the Goodwin sisters really get murdered here?
没错他们在大厅被绞死的
Yeah. They were garroted in the main hall.
三个都是吗
All three of them?
那个我们想讨论下...
Yeah, if you could just give us a moment to discuss...
我们要了付钱吧
We'll take it. Take our money.
多少钱都要
Just take all our money!
好那么
Okay, then.
这是价目列表
Uh, here's the schedule of fees.
你们看看然后在底下签名
Just read and sign at the bottom.
派个人来给东楼通通风
I need someone to air out the east annex
再买♥♥些新毛巾
and buy new towels.
她在逗我吗
Uh, is this a prank?
办个仪式怎么这么贵
This can't be the price for a single event.
刷♥卡♥就行了
Just put it on a credit card.
这里
Here. Oop...
你有多少张信♥用♥卡♥
How many credit cards do you have?
大概七十张
Like, 70.
七十张
Seventy?!
这奇葩程度能和你不冲厕所相提并论
You're, like, fifty-fifty with flushing the toilet.
你每个月怎么还的七十张卡
How do you remember to pay off 70 credit cards each month?
不用还啊
You don't need to pay off credit cards.
一张停了就换一张呗
When one stops working, you just get another.
你到底欠了多少钱
Um, how much do you owe,
我是说总共多少
like, in total?
我怎么知道又不是现金
Who cares? It's not real.
不就是些数字嘛
It's just some numbers on a computer somewhere.
你以前为什么没和我提过你欠债的事
Why have you never told me of your debt before?!
亲爱的现在是共同债务了
Honey, it's our debt now.
天哪我是娶了个孩子吧
Oh, my God, I'm marrying an actual child.
还没本事
Not even a skilled one.
我们对财产的处置方式不同
Just because we have different ideas about personal finance
你不需要为我付账
doesn't mean you get to patronize me.
如果我是你的另一半那就需要
It does if I'm your literal patron.
总之先把场地订好
Just lock down the venue already.
我得去招我的替补了
Uh, I have to go hire my replacement.
我要让她们像饥饿游戏那样竞争
I'm gonna make these twats Hunger Games it out,
看谁最想要这份工作
see who wants it the most.
鉴于你必然会被解雇
Well, since that will surely lead to your firing,
为了我俩的未来我得去好莱坞卖♥♥笑了
I will whore myself out to Hollywood for the both of us.
为什么因为你是男人吗不用吉米
Why, because you're the man? Please, Jimmy.
我能照顾好自己
I can take care of myself.
哪边出去来着
Which way is my job?
这边
Yeah.
我爱上的人是奇葩第五季第三集
他说 "我觉得你是兽医"
And he's like, "I thought you were a veterinarian."
"这至少解释了
"At least now it makes sense
你为什么要托着我的蛋"
why you're cupping my balls."
"你一下口我就射了"
"While you're down there, I lost my keys."
道格千言万语
Doug, I can't say it enough.
感激不尽
Thank you for doing this with me.
客气了我一直想合作的
Please, I've been dying to collab for years.
也谢谢你帮我的猫咪做癌症诊断
And thank you for diagnosing my cat's cancer.
我可以摸到肿瘤
I know a tumor when I feel one.
那的确是肿瘤对我们也是个教训
It was a tumor, and an important lesson for us all.
要定期检查直肠
Get your rectum checked regularly.
我以为他真把手伸进猫屁♥股♥里了
I thought he really had his finger up the cat's ass.
休息一会吧
Let's take five.
我敢肯定这会是
I'm telling you, this show's gonna be
最棒的一场演出
a real tentpole for MetroPCS.
喝汤吗
Soup?
我总会多带一个杯子
I always carry an extra cup.
人们常说
You know what they say:
只要随身带着汤你就不会饿
you'll never be hungry if you carry soup with you.
谢谢但我吃饱喝足[吃假药]了
Ah, thanks, but I'm all souped-up.
埃德加我想问你
Edgar, let me ask you something.
你觉得邓奇怎么样
What do you think about Dutch?
我工作时总想护着手下
Every time I work, I try to take someone under my wing,
像个鸟妈妈或是一架人形飞机
like a mama bird or a sentient airplane.
那挺好的
Oh, well, that's nice.
- 什么意思 - 没事
- What is it? - Ah, nothing.
我觉得邓奇挺不错的
It's just it seems like Dutch is doing well.
他努力工作有所成就
He's pitching, he's contributing.
我却连话都不敢说
I'm the one too intimidated to even open my mouth.
你不是在怪我吧
Yikes. I hope it's not me.
不不是
Oh, no, no. Uh...
我的前搭档让我质疑自己的写作能力
My ex-partner made me question my abilities as a writer.
更别提他
Not to mention encouraged me
给我造成的经济损失了
to get into a lot of financial trouble.
这么糟糕啊
Well, that sounds just terrible.
你能说出来是好事
I'm glad you spoke up.
因为我很愿意护着你
Because I would be proud to take you under my wing instead.
那邓奇怎么办
What about Dutch?
提那个蒙古野人做什么
What about that mongoloid ginger fucking Sasquatch?!
埃德加不
Edgar, no.
你自愿的
You volunteered.
以前从没有过
That's never happened before.
我从现在开始会好好关照你
I'm gonna focus all of my attention on you from now on.
而且我打包票
And I insist.
汤里有五种豆子呢
There's five kinds of beans in there.
好吧
All right.
1. 列愿望清单 2. 雇个新婊♥子♥
突发状况必须便便
It was an emergency. I had to poop.
突发便意
A poopergency.
琳德西马桶不是用来拉屎的
Lindsay, toilet's not for pooping.
因为我的新炮♥友♥ 我没法在上班时拉屎
I can't poop at work because of my new squeeze.
他是大老板
He's the big boss.
我以为你老板是那个
I thought your boss was that fashion ho
不让我睡在你桌下的时尚女魔头
who wouldn't let me nap under your desk.
格雷琴普莉希拉还年轻我说的是大老板
Gretchen, Priscilla is a girl. I'm talking the real boss.
他从总部来巡视
And he's visiting from corporate,
所以整幢楼都算他的办公室
so the whole building is kind of his office.
- 快看我们的结婚场地 - 我的天
- Check out our wedding venue. - Holy...
装♥修♥不错灯光不错
Nice bones. Decent lighting.
那间屋子看着很适合来一炮
That room back there looks like a good place
我什么时候能去看
to sneak a quick fuck in. When can I see it?
婚礼当天
At the wedding.
格雷琴
Gretch,
你不该抛下伴娘
you shouldn't be making decisions
擅做决定
without your maid of honor.
你会后悔的
You'll regret it.