我爱上的人是奇葩（2014）

You're the Worst S05E02

Part 1 Oct. 14, 2020, 4:55 p.m.

我觉得我关注的色♥情♥网♥站♥太多了
I think I follow too many porn sites.
- 你关注了多少 - 很多
- How many do you follow? - So many.
但我一个都舍弃不了
But I'm paranoid if I cut one,
我不想错过好片
I'm gonna miss out on some really good stuff.
那就都别取关
Well, then don't unfollow any.
但我每次拿起手♥机♥
But every time I pick up my phone,
都要花大概一小时刷完全部
it takes me, like, an hour to scroll through everything.
如果期间提起性趣就更久
Longer if I get all horned up in the middle.
对... 不对你似乎
Yeah... No, actually, it sounds like
身处困境对此我深表同情
you're in a terrible dilemma, about which I empathize fully.
谢谢你吉米
Thanks, Jimmy.
看到没我没在帮你解决问题我只表达同情
You see, I didn't try to fix your problem, I just empathized,
是你教我的像娘们一样
like you taught me, like a girl.
有人倾听就足够了
I appreciate that. I feel very heard.
现在解决我的问题
Now fix my problem.
所以
So, hey.
你俩找了这么多婚礼策划
You know how you guys have been visiting wedding planners,
一个中意的都没有吗
and no one's lived up to your standards?
- 我们似乎知道原因 - 因为我们
- We think we know why. - Because we've been
为了寻开心编假故事
lying to them for our own amusement?
最经典的尤金·弗朗索瓦·维多克
Great work, Eugène Fran?ois Vidocq,
第一位私♥人♥侦♥探♥
first private detective
现代犯罪学之父
and father of modern criminology.
吉米别闹了我们说正经的呢
Jimmy, please! We're talking.
因为他们不了解你们
It's because they don't know you.
因为我们的故事是假的
Because we've been lying to them.
真的埃德加哪一块...
Really, Edgar, what part of...?
谁能比你们生命中最重要的两个人
Who better to plan the most important day
更有资格规划你们生命中最重要的一天
of your lives than the two most important people in your lives?
所以我们可以先考虑下
So, first of all, we were thinking something like
八月七号♥ 细想下
August 7... think about it:
此时夏季过半没有节假日
midpoint of summer, clear of any holidays.
离9·11事件也不远
9/11 is just around the corner.
八月七号♥不是你生日吗
Isn't August 7 your birthday?
我知道是查理兹·塞隆的生日
I know it's Charlize Theron's.
巧了也是我的生日
Weird, it's mine, too.
不如我们把喜事合办吧
Spitballing here... What if we combine celebrations?
我们不会举办婚礼
There's not going to be a wedding.
- 什么不行 - 你们注定走到这一步
- What?! No. - This is your natural goddamn end point
我们都到这一步了
we're working toward here...
你俩不能再分手了
You guys cannot break up again.
我们好像一直在反复做同样的事
It's like we keep doing the same thing over and over,
我的心脏受不了
and it's too much for my heart.
你们像两个小脚女人
You're like two ruined ladies from the past...
你就是我手雷上的安全针
You're the pin in my grenade,
- 你并不想把它拉出来 - 我很快
- and you do not want to pull that pin! - So close to having
- 就能实现梦想生日了 - 天哪闭嘴
- the birthday of my dreams. - Oh, my God, shut up.
听着我们会结婚只是不办婚礼
Look, we're getting married, we're just not having a wedding.
在... 十小时后
In, like... ten hours.
我们就私奔啦蠢货们
We're eloping, suckas!
我们想清楚了与其和婚礼策划耗时间
Wasting hella time with those bunk-ass wedding planners
不如直接去法♥院♥宣誓了事
made us realize we can just walk right into the courthouse
这和付违停罚单没什么两样
and do this damn thing like we're paying a parking ticket.
说起来我好像还有二十张罚单没付
But that reminds me, I have, like, 20 parking tickets to pay.
那就带上放哪了
Well, let's bring them. Where are they?
我的梦想破灭了
I can't believe this is happening.
开心点我们去打一炮吧
Come on, let's go lay down.
今天有什么打算
So, what you up to today,
除了在壮汉身下娇喘
besides locking yourself down a hunk?
喝咖啡发邮件或许
Coffee, e-mail... might try to squeeze in
午饭前睡一会你呢
a little nap before lunch. You?
"阴♥道♥的深度"要改编电影
Oh, I've got my first meeting for the movie adaptation
我要去开第一次会
of The Width of a Peach.
所以我要开车去西边就这事
So, I have to drive to the west side, which is a whole thing.
去西边被上
Eat dicks, west.
你的包裹
Oh, um... this came in the post for you.
我走了回来时就是刻薄的好莱坞精英了
Well, I am off. I shall return a much maligned Hollywood elite.
四点半见
I'll see you at 4:30.
边见
Oh, we'll be right by the two-dollar theater.
放映已下线影片的廉价剧院
正好在放连姆·尼森的飞船电影
They're showing that Liam Neeson Zeppelin movie.
他不是自寻麻烦
He wasn't asking for trouble.
是麻烦找上门
Trouble found him.
我爱上的人是奇葩第五季第二集
先生
Sir...
该来的终于来了
It's finally happening.
占了我占了
Called it, I called it!
是我的了我占了
It's mine. I called it.
美美丑
Hot, hot, not.
- 不带牙套可能更好 - 格雷琴
- Maybe without the braces. - Gretch?
是你的办公室变大了还是我变小了
Has your office gotten bigger or have I gotten smaller?
都不是我觊觎这间办公室很久了
Neither. I have had my eye on this office for years,
于是我利用最近的文化风向
so I took advantage of the current cultural climate
为女权发声
and enacted some personal reparations
给自己弄了点补偿
on behalf of women everywhere.
你为了搞到这间办公室说自己"也"被骚扰了
You "Me Too-ed" A dude for his office?
你懂的这里是最棒的地方
You know it! And here's the best part.
天哪
Holy shit.
办公室里竟然有浴室
A bathroom in an office?
得天独厚的拉屎处
It's like Inception for pooping.
这还有个高级日式马桶
Oh, and it has one of those fancy Japanese toilets
可以自动冲屁屁
that washes your butt when you forget how to wipe.
但是但是
But, but...
初夜权归我小贱♥人♥
Prima nocta, bitch.
我会破了他
I break him in.
什么事
So, what's up?
我真觉得你不办婚礼会后悔
I really think you're going to regret not having a wedding.
天哪琳德西
Oh, my God, Lindsay.
就在"查克芝士"之类的地方租个场地
Just rent out a Chuck E. Cheese or something.
娱乐主题餐厅
生日和婚礼都不是重点
This isn't about our birthday/wedding.
我只想告诉你婚姻艰难
I just wanted to tell you marriage is hard.
何不在婚礼这天尽情享乐
Your wedding day is the one day it's fun.
说真的婚礼后只会每况愈下
Seriously, it's all downhill after the wedding.
那可是地心引力
That's just gravity.
你要和地心引力抗争吗
You're gonna go against gravity?
我不想桑德拉·布洛克
I don't think so, Sandra Bullock,
主演"地心引力"的大明星
star of the hit film Gravity.
- 什么 - 我想办派对
- What? - I want a party!
琳德西闭嘴
Lindsay, stop.
私奔挺好的
Eloping is fine because the point
是两厢情愿而非捆绑婚姻
is being hitched, not getting hitched,
你只要真正爱过就会懂的
and if you'd ever actually been in love, you'd know that.
你什么意思
Why-why would you say that?
因为你和保罗离婚的时候
Because when you divorced Paul,
你跟我说你从没爱过他
you told me you'd never been in love.
好吧随便你
Okay, whatever.
我要去工作了
I have to go to day work.
别忘了你干洗的衣服
You forgot your dry cleaning.
这不是我的衣服
It's not my dry cleaning.
是我从工作室给你偷来的婚纱
It's actually a wedding dress I stole for you from work.
我带来是怕你这个不要婚礼的家伙
I brought it in case you didn't want to look shitty
落得一脸狼狈
at your fake-ass non-wedding.
- 格雷琴 - 这办公室我占了
- Gretchen? - I called it!
误会了我们只是想谢谢你揭发了瑞安
No, we just wanted to thank you for speaking out about Ryan.
瑞安等下这个人
Ryan? Wait. This guy?
他真的是骚扰者
He really was a harasser?
是的
U-Um, yeah.
总之谢谢你你是个英雄
Anyway, thanks. You're a hero.
我就是英雄
I am a hero.
我们非常开心吉米
We're just so excited, Jimmy.
我还是不敢相信我的书要改编成电影了