我爱上的人是奇葩（2014）

You're the Worst S05E04

Part 1 Oct. 14, 2020, 4:55 p.m.

晨勃的感觉如何
What is it about morning boners?
晨勃不是关键
Yeah, it's not the boner.
关键在于我正精力旺盛
It's that my haunches are fresh and rested.
就像你一大早牵匹纯种马到跑道上
Like when you take a thoroughbred to the track
这肯定是它一天中跑得最快的时候
first thing in the morning, fastest time of the day.
怎么
What?
不要
Oh, no.
来嘛吉米是时候了
Oh, yes. Jimmy, I think it's time.
不今天不要
No. No, not today.
- 你答应过我的 - 我今天不在状态
- You promised me you would do this. - I don't feel good.
你就这样对你的新娘吗吉米
Is that the message you want to give your bride, Jimmy?
对我来说这么重要的事
That you're not willing to do something
你都不愿意做
that is extremely, extremely important to me?
好吧我尝
Fine. I'll taste my come.
你觉得怎么样吉米你讨厌吗恶心吗
What do you think, Jimmy? Do you hate it? Is it gross?
你觉得恶心吗吉米说说感想吉米
Do you think it's gross, Jimmy? What do you think, Jimmy?
味道像... 咸果胶
It's like... salty fruit glue.
我也觉得
Exactly.
我叫的车到了我要赶紧去冲个澡
My Lyft is here. I'm gonna hop in the shower.
什么车可不会等你
What? They're not gonna just wait for you.
你和司机说自己是坐轮椅的
You tell them you're in a wheelchair.
法律规定他们必须无时限地等你
Then they legally have to wait as long as you want.
等等你车坏了之后
Wait, have you just been Lyfting everywhere
你去哪都打车吗
since you wrecked your car?
我不能开车吉米
I can't drive, Jimmy.
我每次闭上眼
Every time I close my eyes,
我就看到水泥搅拌车倒下来
I see that cement mixer bearing down on me.
你真能装你有病
You faked it, you psychopath.
我自己都快相信了
Whoa. I'm starting to believe my own lies.
天哪你喜欢这个味道
Oh, my God! You love it!
不不我不喜欢
No! No, I do not.
可你舔得很开心嘛
What? You're lapping it up like it's soft serve.
我... 我...
I... I...
我只是在确认它的味道
I was making sure that it just tasted as weird
是不是和我想的一样怪
as I thought it did.
你刚刚尝了你自己的精♥液♥
You just Oliver'd your own come.
"先生我可以再要一些吗"
"Please, sir, may I have some more?"
是你说这个对你来说很重要的
You said it was important to you!
前提是我在场看着
When I was watching, not on your own,
而不是你像个饿死鬼一样自己舔了
like some come-hungry jizz-goblin.
我爱上的人是奇葩第五季第四集
二十世纪福克斯电影公♥司♥
支票金额七十万美元
真棒
Brilliant,
太棒了
absolutely brilliant.
格雷琴天大的好消息
Gretchen, something amazing's happened!
什么你还想尝第三次吗
What? You come back for thirds?
怎么了
What?
借书证我收到借书证了
Library card. I just got a library card.
不算什么好消息但你还没缓过来
Not exactly amazing news, but you're on a come high.
我能理解
I've been there.
干什么
What?
一个坐轮椅的人怎么能自己走呢
How's someone in a wheelchair supposed to walk to their ride?
吉米动动脑子
Come on, Jimmy, think.
暴富后该做什么
这是你的钱随心所欲地花
琳德西你自己有办公室
Lindsay, you have your own office.
真的吗太棒了有自♥慰♥马桶吗
I do? Awesome. Does it have a sex toilet?
这是你的早餐库特马西奥女士
Here's your breakfast, Ms. Cottumaccio.
我当然有自己的办公室
Hmm. Apparently, I have an office,
所以我需要一些配套设施
so I'll need some supplies.
写着励志名言的猫咪海报
Uh, kitty posters with inspiring quotes,
手指画颜料自♥慰♥马桶爆米花机等等
finger paints, a sex toilet, popcorn machine, etcets.
你是谁
Who are you?
他是我的新助理
He's my new assistant.
其实我是你的助理
I'm actually your assistant.
我有助理了
I have an assistant?
滚吧
Dismissed.
山姆和男孩们怎么看我这个
So, what do Sam and the boys think about me
叫什么来着古生物学家
being their whatchamacallit, paleontologist?
公♥关♥
Publicist.
我还没告诉他们山姆很难缠的
I haven't told them yet. Sam takes rejection really hard.
我们要在气氛轻松的地方谈
Mm, we should do it someplace fun to soften the blow,
比如沙滩或者会所
like the beach or a rub and tug.
好主意但我得单独和他谈
Good idea, but I have to do it alone.
同时你得专心点
Meanwhile, you need to focus
学着做好工作
and learn how to actually do the job.
行但是我丑话在先
Fine, but for the record,
我接这活完全是为了离你近一些
I really only took this gig to be closer to you,
毕竟你要抛下我去做别人老婆了
since you're ditching me to become a stupid wife.
其实不会有什么变化
Literally nothing will change
除了我的债务会摊到吉米头上
except that my debt will be on the J-dog
口♥交♥会越来越少
and the beejays will slow to a trickle
因为... 你懂的
because... come on.
我很高兴你给我打电♥话♥了
Mm-hmm. I'm glad you called me.
在获得人生第一桶金后
You're not the only person to make a foolish purchase
乱买♥♥东西的人不止你一个
upon receiving their first big check.
我第一次收到
Why, when I received my first
大额汇款时
stout remittance,
我当时完全疯了
I went absolutely cuckoo
买♥♥了一幅两万片的拼图撒哈拉之眼
and purchased a 20,000-piece puzzle of the Eye of the Sahara.
那三周过得真够堕落
That was a decadent three weeks.
话说回来我们今天关注的谜题
Anyway, the puzzle we're focused on today
叫作"吉米的财务前景"
is called, "Jimmy's financial future."
我其实是在想
Yeah, I was really just thinking about,
投资大额存单之类的
like, opening a CD or something.
吉米别在我为你准备顶级和牛时
Jimmy. You're asking for flank steak
问我要牛腩排
when I'm about to offer you dry-aged Wagyu.
七十万美元是稳健的开始
$700,000 is a robust start.
假设你的职业生涯持续向上
Assuming a continued upward career trajectory,
很快你就会成为那百分之一的人
you'll be part of the one percent in no time.
真的吗我
Can you imagine? Me?
顶尖富豪
A one-percenter.
在阿斯本的小屋
Cabins in Aspen,
同腐♥败♥的政客们打高尔夫
golf with corrupt politicians,
停在范鲁伊斯式机库里的汽车收藏
an embarrassing car collection kept in some Van Nuysian airport hangar.
现在你开始明白了
Now you're getting it.
其实我一直都觉得自己是精英
I mean, I've always felt elite.
你知道吗当格雷琴说她...
You know, when Gretchen said that she...
天啊格雷琴知道这笔钱吗
Oh, dear. Does Gretchen know about the money?
还不知道但是...
Not... not yet, but...
- 快给我一美元 - 干什么
- Quick, give me a dollar. - What? Why?
快给我
Just do it!
好的
Okay.
我们现在建立起保密义务了
Phew. We've now established confidentiality.
你知道格雷琴的债务吗
Do you know about Gretchen's debt?
知道你怎么知道的
Yeah, but how do you?
她曾试过用我的名字办无数张信♥用♥卡♥
She's tried to open countless credit cards in my name.
格雷琴被我们称为超级依赖者
Gretchen's what we call an S.D., a Super Dependent,
类似罗伯·卡戴珊或是拖着后腿的狗
like Rob Kardashian, or a dog whose back legs don't work.
你是说我绝不能告诉格雷琴
Are you saying that I should never tell Gretchen
- 这笔钱的事 - 作为一个相信
- about the money? - As someone who believes
伴侣间应当完全坦诚的人
in complete honesty between romantic partners,
我并不建议隐瞒这件事
I would say hiding something like this is not recommended.
- 好的 - 但作为你的财务顾问
- Yeah. - As your financial advisor,
我会说 "什么钱"
I would say, "What money?"
回归正题
Well, back to the office.
- 埃德加 - 吉米
- Edgar. - Jimmy.
是我奶奶
It's my abuelita.
她病了吉米
She's sick, Jimmy.
你和我说干啥
Why are you telling me?
我帮不了她我没有钱
I can't help her. I don't have any money.
太好了你信了