我爱上的人是奇葩（2014）

You're the Worst S01E01

Part 1 Oct. 14, 2020, 4:28 p.m.

Vernon and I just want to thank you all for coming.
弗南和我想感谢所有人的光临
Ever since I was a small girl,
从我还是个小女孩时起
I've dreamt of this day.
就一直梦想着这一天
Me, too.
我也是
Sure, in my fantasy,
当然了在我的幻想中
it took place at Fraggle Rock.
我的婚礼是在木偶之家举♥行♥的
I was marrying Johnny Depp.
而新郎则是男神约翰尼·德普
Me, too.
我也是
But in all seriousness,
但是说真的
it is so amazing to be surrounded by so many people who care about us.
能被这么多关心我们的人环绕着感觉真好
We really feel...
我们真的感受到
so much love from you guys.
来自你们的无尽的爱
And as the Beatles said,
正如披头士的歌♥词所唱
"All you need is love."
"你唯一需要的就是爱"
And a Vera Wang dress.
以及王薇薇牌婚纱啦
Vernon and I are looking forward
弗南和我期待着
to seeing you at our 50th wedding anniversary.
在我们的金婚纪念仪式上再次看到大家
Promised myself I wasn't gonna do this.
我向自己保证过不会在婚礼上流泪的
Uh, Jimmy, are you having a-a good time?
吉米你玩得还开心吗
Absolutely.
当然了
Just so glad you invited me.
我很高兴你邀请了我来参加婚礼
Really?
真的吗
Of course.
当然了
Sometimes, well, you just want to witness
但有时候人都会很想围观
the beginning of a disaster,
一场灾难的开端
so later, when the house is engulfed in flames,
等到以后房♥子真的燃起大火的时候
you can say, "Yup,
你就可以说 "好棒
I was there when they installed the faulty wiring."
他们铺设劣质电线的时候我也在场"
Unbelievable.
你真令人难以置信
Just admit it.
承认吧你
You only invited me here
你邀请我来参加婚礼的唯一目的
so you could passive-aggressively
就是为了消极反抗式地
rub my nose in your happiness.
用你的幸福来打击我
At least I would have had the decency
至少我只会高尚地
to rub your nose in it directly.
直接抨击你不会玩这些手段
Oh, yes, your commitment to honesty is so refreshing.
你向来有话直说的风格可真令人耳目一新
It must be so hard being the only one
作为唯一一个可以看透别人本质的人
who sees people for what they actually are.
你一定感到很孤单吧
It is. It's incredibly hard.
是啊真的无比艰难
Well, it's also gonna be what keeps you alone,
你也会因此注定孤独一辈子
because you are ugly
因为你丑到没朋友
and unpleasant and honestly, Jimmy,
令人厌恶老实说吉米
you're not the original you think you are.
你也没你以为得那么货真价实
I'm not original?
我不够货真价实
That is hilarious, coming from such a...
真是笑死人了你这种人竟然有脸...
No, you're right.
不你说得对
This day isn't about me, is it?
今天的主角不是我是吧
What were you gonna say?
你本来想说什么的
Forget it.
算了吧
No, I'm serious.
不我说真的
I really want to know what does the
我真的很想知道
brilliant Jimmy Shive-Overly think about me?
聪明绝顶的吉米·希瓦-奥弗利对我有何评价
You talk to her again,
你再敢跟她说话
and me and my boys will mess you up.
我和我的兄弟们就会给你"捣乱"的
Who talks like that?
谁会这么说话啊
I'm serious, Jimmy.
我是认真的吉米
Fine, not a problem.
行吧没问题
Enjoy your sham of a marriage!
祝你在虚伪的婚姻里幸福
I will!
我会的
You got another one of those?
能给我一支烟吗
Pretty expensive.
这可是很贵的
Good job in there.
你刚刚表现得真棒
Getting married doesn't remove you
结婚并不能够让你
from the burden of having to act like a human being.
免去表现得像个人样的重任
Totally. Those two are doomed.
绝对的那俩人算是完蛋了
Right?
是吧
Has any couple ever had a more dishonest start to a marriage?
有哪对夫妻婚姻的开端像他们这么虚伪吗
I mean, the balls to have a traditional Catholic ceremony.
竟然要举办一个传统的天主教婚礼仪式
When she's already had two abortions.
她都已经堕过两次胎了
And can only orgasm through anal.
而且只有肛♥交♥才能让她达到高♥潮♥
Mr. And Mrs. Cottumaccio.
科特马奇奥先生和太太
Old Cottumaccios.
老科特马奇奥夫妇
You're pretty.
你很漂亮
Thanks.
谢谢
How do you know her?
你是怎么认识她的
I'm friends with the sister.
我跟她妹妹是朋友
Friends with Fat Lindsay?
跟肥妹琳赛是好朋友吗
Yeah, me and Fat Lindsay are hella close.
是啊我跟肥妹琳赛很亲密
So, uh, what you heard about me?
那你对我有何耳闻
Nothing, just that you're the worst.
没什么就听说你是个奇葩
Says the girl who just stole a blender from a wedding.
你♥他♥妈♥刚从婚礼上偷了个搅拌机还有脸说我
No. Really?
不是吧真的吗
Oh, man! I thought it was a food processor.
我靠我还以为是个食物料理机呢
Who's the worst now?
现在谁才是奇葩啊
I don't know what I'm doing here.
我都不知道我这是在干什么
I'm not even attracted to you.
我根本没对你心动
What does that have to do with anything?
那跟打炮有关系吗
Yeah.
是哦
What? It's L.A.
什么这可是洛杉矶
Who doesn't drive? DUI.
谁不开车啊酒后驾驶被吊销了证
I occasionally see this movie director guy.
我偶尔会跟一个电影导演约个炮
Gross.
真恶心
One time, he booty-texted me from some awards show.
有一次他在某个颁奖典礼上给我发了约炮短♥信♥
I was already at the bar, so I drove over to his house,
我已经在酒吧了所以我就开车去了他家
then he texted me he was going to be late,
然后他又发短♥信♥说他会晚点到
so I idly drove around his neighborhood...
所以我就开车在他家附近转悠
until I kind of sideswiped an off-duty cop.
结果竟然从一个下了班的警♥察♥身边经过
Do you know, I'm glad this is a one-night thing,
你知道吗我很高兴我们这就是一♥夜♥情♥而已
we can reveal all this awful shit about ourselves.
我们可以把自身真实丑恶的一面都暴露出来
Totally. High five.
绝对的击个掌
I'll get that.
我来舔掉
Ok, I like that.
好吧我喜欢这样
All girls do.
所有妹子都喜欢
Don't call me "All girls."
别把我当做跟那些妹子一样
Damn it. That's good, too.
该死的这样也好爽
You know, right before Becca broke up with me,
就在贝卡和我分手之前
I started reading her e-mail.
我开始偷偷看她的电邮
Oh, I've done that.
我也干过那事
So even though I had warning,
所以尽管我已经提前有了预感
when she broke up with me,
但当她真的跟我提分手的时候
it kind of... just kind of knocked me out.
依然把我打击得心碎
Even though she's clearly a ridiculous human being, you know?
尽管她显然是一个可笑的无知人类
Yeah. Break-ups hurt.
是啊分手确实令人伤心
I've heard. I don't really do relationships.
我听说的啦我从不谈正式的恋爱
Me, neither.
我也不谈
Anymore.
是以后不会了
So, what, are you one of those creepy foot guys?
怎么你是患有恋足癖吗
No. I have nervous hands, and they have to stay busy.
不是是我手痒闲不住
Yeah, that's good.
哇好爽
Oh, don't stop, you son of a bitch.
别停下你个小混♥蛋♥
You just spit on it?
你竟然对着洞口吐痰吗
Yeah.
是啊
You just spit on my vagina.
你竟然对着我的阴♥道♥吐痰
So?
那又如何
Don't! Why?
不要为什么
Why don't spit on my vagina?
你为什么要吐痰在我的阴♥道♥上
It's saliva. It's gonna get there anyway.
就口水而已反正也会舔湿的
And that's how I got crabs from my guidance counselor.
我的辅♥导♥员就是那样把阴虱传给我的
Right. Uh, I should get some sleep, so...
好吧我得睡觉了所以...
Right. Good night.
好吧晚安