我爱上的人是奇葩（2014）

You're the Worst S05E02

Part 3 Oct. 14, 2020, 4:55 p.m.

I've changed my mind.
看来琳德西没说错我才是最笨的
I guess Lindsay was right... I am the dumb one of the group.
不过你们私奔也有情可原
Well, I guess eloping does make sense
想想你们过去在别人婚礼上捣的乱
considering all the people whose weddings you've heckled
如果他们参加你们的婚礼你们肯定会出丑的
over the years who'd just show up to bring you down.
拜托没人能让我出丑
Please! I am un-bring-down-able.
不婚礼不一样
Nah, but weddings aren't.
还记得你是怎么对贝卡和弗南的吗
Remember what you did to Becca and Vernon's?
他们的婚礼
Ugh, what a low-rent,
低廉又俗气
tacky affair.
难听的音乐难看的装饰
I mean, the horrid music, the wretched decor,
尤其是食物
my God, the food.
连布拉塔奶酪都没有
There was nary a burrata bar to be seen.
那换作你会安排什么食物
Ooh, what kind of food would you have?
我的婚礼将由罗伊·崔主厨
Oh, well, my wedding would be catered by Roy Choi,
美籍韩裔大厨
- 这是基本的 - 不错我喜欢他
- obviously. - Oh, man, I love him.
婚礼上的花
The flowers would have
得是当天从花市运来的
to be sourced same-day from the flower mart, of course.
背景是莫奈的鲁昂大教堂
Color palette: Claude Monet, Rouen Cathedral,
西立面阳光下 1♥8♥9♥2年
West Facade, Sunlight, 1♥8♥9♥2.
该作藏于华盛顿国家美术馆
我可能有点说过头了
But I'm getting ahead of myself.
婚礼当天逐渐显现
Day of the event, fade in.
在亚当森住♥宅♥的晨曦中
It's dawn at Adamson House,
位于加州的西班牙式古宅
太平洋上雾气弥漫
and the fog is dense over the Pacific Ocean,
像一块圣诞布丁
like a perfect Christmas pudding.
特别定制
Omakase?
真是要什么来什么
I'll have what I'm having.
最后迷人的烟花在海平面上绽放
And then a tasteful fireworks display over the ocean,
伴着马♥勒♥的"我弃绝尘世"
scored to Mahler's Ich bin der Welt abhanden gekommen,
这场世界上最棒的婚礼
would bring to a close the greatest wedding
就此走入尾声
in the history of matrimony.
它重新定义了爱侣们的标准
Resetting the very bar to which all couples aspire.
正如威尔·史密斯
As espoused by Will Smith
饰演的亚历克斯·希契在"全民情敌"里说的
as Alex "Hitch" Hitchens in Hitch,
"生命的意义不在长短
"Life is not the amount of breaths you take,
而在于刻骨铭心的瞬间"
it's the moments that take your breath away."
哇...
Oh...
你说的太美了兄弟
That shit was beautiful, bro.
所以婚礼什么时候举♥行♥
So when's this wedding?
这都是我想象的小酒保
Oh, that was all hypothetical, lowly barkeep.
其实我的未婚妻和我正准备私奔...
In fact, my fiancée and I are eloping at...
...在四十五分钟前
...45 minutes ago.
天哪
Oh, dear God!
- 你做什么了兄弟 - 吉米不吉米
- What'd you do, bro? - Jimmy, no. Jimmy.
她肯定觉得我又一次抛弃她了
She thinks I've abandoned her. Again.
哦不吉米
Oh, no, Jimmy.
我觉得你除了办婚礼
I guess you have no choice
别无选择了
but to throw a real wedding.
天哪
Oh, God.
是我不好这都是我的计划
This is my fault. This was my plan all along.
可没想会这样我只是想忽悠你
Well, not this. Just the part where I bamboozle you
办场真正的婚礼
into wanting a real wedding.
没想让你把格雷琴抛在圣坛前
I didn't mean for you to leave Gretchen at the non-altar.
- 我太强了吉米 - 是啊
- I'm too powerful, Jimmy. - Yeah, right.
我们已经确定你是最笨的那个了
We've already established that you're the dumb one.
想得美蠢货
Nice try, though, dummy.
快给我只袜子和一些零钱
Quick, give me a tube sock and some nickels.
我按新兵入伍时的残酷打法抽你一顿
I'll work you over, basic training style,
让格雷琴以为你在市政厅外面被袭击了
and Gretchen will think you got jumped outside City Hall.
埃德加那太扯了什么样的白♥痴♥
Edgar, that is moronic. What kind of demented idiot
会相信啊
would agree to something like that?
来吧
Do it.
妈的格雷琴别躲
Damn it, Gretchen! Stay still.
对我来说这太难了
This is really hard for me.
对不起我以为我早就没了求生欲
I'm sorry, I thought I'd long ago lost my survival instinct,
和呕吐反射该死
along with my gag reflex. Oh, goddamn it!
我居然错过了自己的婚礼
I can't believe I missed my wedding.
我到底有什么毛病啊
What the fuck is wrong with me?
格雷琴格雷琴
Gretchen, Gretchen.
我知道这很艰难
I know this seems like a giant deal now,
但几年后当你和吉米...
but in a few years, when you and Jimmy are...
不格雷琴
Oh! Oh, no! Gretchen,
我以为出其不意才能打到你但也太有用了吧
I thought surprising you would work, but it worked too good.
我...
I...
- 再来 - 什么
- Again. - What?
不亲爱的一次就够了
No. Honey, once was hard enough.
我也许没法...
I-I couldn't possibly...
这一拳是为了你说我从没爱过
That's for saying I've never been in love.
天哪但那是事实
Oh, Jesus, but it's true!
住手琳德西停手
Stop! Lindsay! Safe word!
我看上去怎么样
How do I look?
像被蜜蜂蜇了的米基·洛克
Like Mickey Rourke was stung by bees.
美国拳击手演员
很好
Perfect.
很抱歉我说你从没爱过
Sorry I said the thing about you never being in love.
没关系那是事实
It's okay. It's true.
只是听你讲出来会很受伤
Just hurts to hear it out loud.
哦不
Oh, no.
我的斯纳普饮料还在里面
My Snapple was in there.
我没闻到烟味
I don't smell smoke.
她的车也不在这
And her car's not here.
我想我们暂时安全
Oh, I... I guess we're safe for now.
我在想有没有办法说服她
I wonder if there's a way that we can convince her
让她相信是你让我错过了婚礼
that you manipulated me into missing the wedding?
你是说我实施的这个计划
Oh, you mean my plan I actually did?
是的但在我虚构的故事里它生效了
Yeah, but in my fictitious version, it worked.
好吧听着格雷琴
Okay, listen, Gretchen,
我可以... 我的天啊
I can... Oh, my God!
发生了什么
What happened?!
吉米我还在发抖
Oh, Jimmy, I'm still shaking.
我遇到了可怕的意外
I got in an insane accident.
差点死掉了
Like, an inch away from being decapitated,
侥幸生还
Final Destination insane.
天哪你受伤了吗
Oh, Jesus, are... are you hurt?
是的但我想是我活该
Yeah, but I guess I deserve it.
格雷琴我很抱歉
Oh, Gretchen, I'm so, so sorry.
我不想让你觉得
Listen, the-the last thing I'd want you to think is
我又一次抛下你了
that I'd abandoned you... again.
这一直折磨着我
And, uh, it's been absolutely killing me.
等等你没去结婚吗
Wait. You didn't show up?
你居然没去结婚
I mean, you didn't show up.
你居然没来
You didn't show up!
你有什么毛病啊
Oh, what is wrong with you?
你让我穿着婚纱站在那里
You left me standing there in this dress?
你知道我看上去有多蠢吗
Do you know how stupid I looked?
你知道我有多尴尬吗
Do you know how humiliated I was?
我真的很抱歉
I'm so, so sorry.
你让我一个人
You left me standing there,
站在街上
waiting for you
等着你
on the street!
我哭得像个悲情女主
Crying like I'm in some bad movie.
别的情侣都在嘲笑我
All the other couples in line were laughing at me!
流浪汉拥抱了我
A homeless man hugged me
因为他觉得我太惨了
cause he felt so bad!
你有病吗吉米
What is wrong with you, Jimmy?
什么...
What...?
哦格雷琴
Oh, Gretchen.
演得太投入了吧
You just couldn't help yourself, could you?
你在说什么啊
What are you talking about?
你这个小傻瓜