我爱上的人是奇葩（2014）

You're the Worst S05E05

Part 2 Oct. 14, 2020, 4:55 p.m.

我高♥潮♥的声音
The sound of me jizzing yet.
你们在啪吗
You guys banging?
就知道
Noice!
蛋不错小埃
Sweet balls, E.
恶你们俩
Ew! You two.
开间房♥啊
Get a room.
我就在我的... 床单间里
I am in my... sheet room.
琳子谢谢你让我们借住
Linds, grateful you're letting us crash,
但我们只能在折扣店消磨这点时间
but we can only kill so much time at the 99 Cents Store.
那里很有趣但总会碰到点恶心事
It's fun, but then a huge bummer all of a sudden really sneaks up on you.
你们待会打算做什么
Yo, what are you guys getting up to the rest of the day?
滚回你的沙发去
Ew! Get off! Go back to your couch.
别忘了保罗一会就过来
Oh, don't forget, Paul will be over soon
完成授精过程
to do the insemination procedure.
保罗会射在杯子里
Paul's gonna come in a cup,
然后我们把精♥液♥注入她的阴♥道♥
and we're gonna put that in her vag.
贝卡 "小矮人♥大♥房♥子"开始了
Oh, Bec, Tiny People, Big House is on.
来宝贝
Okay, babe.
为什么现在
How are we living in a world
贝卡爱她丈夫了
where Becca loves her husband now?
为什么他们还住在我的公♥寓♥里
And how is that world living inside my apartment?
我要快点找到爱人
I need to find someone... Soon.
我们就经常约啊
You and I hang out all the time.
我们经常约炮
We do sex all the time.
我想要"喂我奶酪球"
I want a "Feeds me cheese balls"
那种爱
type of love.
不是吧
Oh, no.
你对我没感觉对吧
You didn't catch feels, did you?
我们说好如果有了感情就杀了对方
We promised we'd kill the other if that happened.
需要我拿刀子出来吗
Do I need to get my stabbing knife out?
不需要没感觉
No. No feels.
但是...
But...
我们不妨尝试一下
I don't know, what if we tried?
你解释清楚
Explain your words.
我们依旧如往常行事
What if, like, we do what we're doing now
但把地点变为餐厅
but we moved it to a restaurant and...
试着找点感觉
you know, gave catching feelings a shot?
我们在床上的感觉不错
We do bone good.
这已经占男女关系的九♥成♥了
That's, like, 90% of a relationship.
就那么做吧
Let's do it!
我们一起去...
Let's go on a...
约...
da...
DayQuil 不这不是个词
DayQuil? No, that's not a word.
日用感冒药
怎么形容无性晚餐呢
Uh, what's the word for a no-sex dinner?
约会
A date.
对约会
That's it. A date.
琳德西暂时别去看你的内♥裤♥抽屉
Lindsay, you're gonna want to stay out of your underwear drawer for a bit.
塔卢拉在里面睡觉
Tallulah's taking a nap in there,
她可能拉在了你的丁字裤上
and she may or may not have sharted all over your thongs.
不她已经拉了
No, she totally did.
# 绕着闹钟嗑嗨绕着闹钟嗑嗨 #
Ring around the clocky Ring around the clocky
她完蛋了
Oh, she's dead.
是那个人吗
This is the guy?
对啊
Oh, yeah, right.
伊薇特今晚想和你出去喝一杯
Yvette would like to get drinks with you tonight, off-campus.
我会联络你的办公室
I'll be in touch with your office.
是随便喝几杯
Like, a fun drinks,
还是
or...?
给我份热狗老板
One street hot dog, please, vendor.
你怎么乱扔垃圾呢
Why are you littering?
因为我是不良少年
Because I'm a bad boy.
我们需要找个大人吗
Do we need to find a grown-up?
你只有五岁吗
What are you, five?
谁会管成年人叫"大人"呢
Who calls adults "Grown-ups"?
滚吧瞎管闲事的小屁孩
Piss off, you meddling street urchins.
打扰一下大人
Excuse me, grown-up.
我们需要帮助
We need help.
可不是嘛
I know, tell me about it.
我还没和你说我们的蒙大拿之行
Oh, I did not even tell you about our trip to Montana.
非常壮丽
Yeah, no, truly majestic.
长空之乡都是谦虚了
Big Sky Country. Like, so humbling.
抱歉没法见花艺师了有个酒局你更擅长这种娘们的事
不可以
开玩笑的没问题
我知道如果你不想损失养老金
Yeah, I know, it's like, if you don't want to lose your pension,
一开始就不该拿它投资奶奶
then don't invest it in the first place, Grandma.
对
Yeah.
是吗对
Right? Yeah.
等一下兄弟我过个马路
Hold on, dude, I got to hit this sick crosswalk.
我打给你是想问
Um, so, anyway, the reason I'm calling is,
你手头还有摇♥头♥丸♥吗
are you still dealing Molly?
还好吗兄弟
How you doin' in there, buddy?
还好
Fine.
给我点时间
Uh, give me a minute.
你以为我的老二
You'd think my reproductive anatomy
应该会很配合
would more than cooperate,
毕竟我已经忍♥了一个月没射♥精♥了
Considering I've refrained from any emissions in two fortnights.
干得漂亮保罗
Damn! Great work, Paul.
满满一杯
It's like a full side of ranch.
你手中拿着的四亿精♥子♥中
It's wondrous to think that of the 400 million-odd
有一个可能会成为我未来的孩子
sperm you're holding, one mighty swimmer
想想就觉得神奇
might become my future child.
这一刻是多么伟大
How powerful is this moment?
我正将样本
I'm up-squirting the specimen
注入医用滴管
into the medical baster.
现在我把医用滴管
Now I'm inserting the medical baster
插入阴♥道♥
into the vaginal canal.
放松亲爱的
Relax, honey.
快好了保罗
Almost done, Paul.
好了
All right.
你现在可以出来了
You can come out now.
我可以吗
May I?
快着床吧亲爱的孩子
Implant, dear offspring.
爸爸等不及想见你了
Father cannot wait to meet you.
我不敢相信都四个月了还没怀孕
I can't believe it's been four months and no fetus.
我上次的精♥子♥测试显示很有活力
My last sperm test revealed I had historic motility.
我这个"正规"医生认为这次绝对
It's my "Offish" Doctor's opinion this is absolutely,
- 有可能成功 - 就算不成功
- possibly the one. - And if not,
总有下个月
there's always next month.
你要拿笔写支票还是…
Do you need a pen to write the check or...
贝卡这是神圣的一刻
Becca! This is a sacred moment.
你介意在支票上写个五千吗
You mind scribblin' that five thou to "Cash"?
贝卡和我真的需要这笔小钱
Bec and I could really use the walkin' around money.
提问
Question.
你最初是怎么得到这份工作的
How did you get hired in the first place?
听着我知道
Look, I know.
我只是个糟糕的助理
I was just a coked-out assistant
花大把时间和商场上的人乱搞
who spent most of her time hooking up with industry guys
偷礼物袋里的苹果随身听
and stealing iPod Shuffles from swag bags.
后来瑞克因为滑艇事故被炒
But then Rick was decapitated in that Jet Ski accident,
我获得了意料之外的升职
and, suddenly, I got a promotion I never asked for.
而现在呢三年之后
And now, here I am, three years later,
我要结婚了坐在我偷来的大办公室里
getting married, pretending to be a real publicist
假装自己是真正的公♥关♥
in my big office, which, yeah, I stole.
还引发了又一次意料之外的升职
Which triggered another promotion I didn't ask for.
我只一个大骗子好吗
And I am a total fraud, okay?
我一直都在哄骗操纵客户
All I do is lie and manipulate my clients
做我想让他们做的事
into doing what I want them to do.
你刚刚描述的就是公♥关♥工作
You just described being a publicist.
总之谢谢你能私下跟我说
Yeah, anyways, thanks for doing this off-campus
让我保住面子
to let me save face.