废柴联盟（2009）

Community S05E03

Part 1 Oct. 19, 2020, 1:15 p.m.

Please stay for complimentary saltines and full-price sodas.
稍后会有免费咸饼干和全价苏打水供应
But first, the dulcet tones of the Bennett boys.
不过请先欣赏伯纳德家男孩的优美演唱
** When you were here before *
*你曾来到这里
** Couldn't look you in the eye *
*无法♥正♥视你的双眼
Bro, free crackers.
兄弟有免费饼干吃
Want to spend your life opening lockers?
你想一辈子开储物柜吗
You don't have to raise your voice!
别冲我吼了行不行
I'm going as fast as I can!
我已经尽力加速了
Oh, great, now I have these folders to deal with!
现在我又得处理这些文件夹了
And too, pencil?
还有铅笔
When it rains, it pours.
真是喝凉水都塞牙
Ass Crack Bandit!
投菊大盗来了
Let's settle down!
安静点
Guys, what is known...
各位目前...
What's known is that around noon yesterday,
目前已知情况是昨天午时左右
an unidentified student dropped a coin
某不明身份的学生将一枚硬币
in another student's, you know, upper buttock fold.
投进了另一名学生的臀部股沟
Yes, yes.
你问
Gwen Ridley, Greendale Gazette.
我是格温·雷利来自「格林德尔公报」
Is this the return of the Ass Crack Bandit?
请问这次事件是不是投菊大盗的回归
Okay, that person, Gwen, if he ever existed,
雷利所谓的投菊大盗如果存在的话
stopped being active over a year ago.
早在一年多以前就不再活动了
Yeah.
你说
Tim Briggs, Greendale Mirror.
我叫提姆·布瑞格来自「格林德尔镜报」
Is it true that after the attack,
据说事件发生后
you received a letter from the Ass Crack Bandit?
您收到了投菊大盗的来信是否属实
I never said that, Tim,
我没这么说过提姆
and when did we split the Gazette from the Mirror?
还有公报什么时候和镜报分开了
And how many photographs do you people need?
你们到底要拍多少照片
Raul Lopez, Las Noticias Hispanicas de Greendale.
劳尔·洛佩兹「格林德尔新闻南美版」
Will this affect soccer?
此事对足球有影响吗
We did, in fact, receive a letter an hour after the incident
事发一小时后我们的确收到一封信
including details not known to the public
里面写了一些鲜为人知的细节
about the brand of Garrett's underwear.
比如加瑞特的内衣品牌
Hanes his ways.
他穿「恒适」
"I am the Ass Crack Bandit.
「我是投菊大盗
"Humans make better banks than piggies.
人类做银行比小猪储钱罐强
"Whenever I get more change at the store,
我一在商店拿到零钱
"I can't wait to drop it down your butts.
就迫不及待地投进你的菊花
"I think I will go to the bank and get so much change
我会去银行换很多零钱
"and take all my dollars and make them into change
把我所有钱都换成零钱
and drop it all down there."
全部投入菊花深处」
He should be called "The Run-on Sentence bandit."
他应该叫「啰里啰嗦大盗」
From this moment, people, we are at Defcon 4...
从现在开始我们将进入四级戒备
if that's the highest defcon,
如果四级是最高级
and if high defcons are worse than low ones.
而且级数越高越严重的话
Ah, you all remember psychology professor Duncan.
你们还记得心理学教授邓肯吧
Hey, buddy. Where'd you go?
兄弟你好啊去哪玩儿了
I was taking care of my sick mother.
我妈生病我去照顾了
She's still alive, but I've put in my time.
她还活着不过我尽孝了
Britta.
布雷塔
Oh, Pierce, good for you.
皮尔斯真不错
I always thought that hairpiece was a bit cowardly.
我原来就觉得那个发型显得很懦夫
Duncan is going to help us
邓肯会帮助我们
work up something called a "Profile,"
建立一份嫌疑人「剖绘」
so we can root this student out.
这样就可以找到这名学生了
For the record,
声明一下
I tried to get something done about this two years ago.
这种事两年前我也有试过哦
This is not about you, Annie. This is about the school.
这次跟你无关安妮这次事关学校
This is the biggest P.R. crisis to hit Greendale
格林德尔面临着巨大的舆♥论♥压力
since we held that rally protesting the wrong Korea.
上一次是示♥威♥抗♥议♥ 弄混了南北朝鲜
Jeffrey, how can you help?
杰夫瑞你有什么打算
I'll take a look at the whole picture,
我会纵观全局
see if any pieces match up.
看看有没有相似的线索
Double fruit bonus.
双色水果奖励
Crikey! Kiwi combo, mate.
哇哦奇异果连击
I took a map of the campus and
我在学校地图上
pinpointed all the locations of the Ass Crack Bandit strikes.
标出了投菊大盗出手的所有地点
You can't handle the fruit.
你无法处理水果
During the bandit's most daring spree,
大盗最猖狂的时候
he cracked three people in a row.
连续袭击了三名学生
Today, I sprinted between all three sites.
今天我试着跑遍了这三个地方
My quickest time was 20 minutes.
我最快的记录是二十分钟
The A.C.B. did it in 10.
而大盗十分钟就做到了
So he's got long legs.
所以他的腿很长
I think he has something I don't...a shortcut.
也许他还抄了近道而我不知道
The faculty lounge.
教员休息室
You think the bandit's a teacher?
你觉得那个大盗是老师
The Dean's not gonna help me pursue this.
校长肯定不会帮我进行调查的
I need help.
我需要帮助
Pineapple penalty, fool!
你被菠萝惩罚了笨蛋
No! Unfair and racist.
讨厌不公平歧视人嘛
Look, no way, Annie.
不行安妮
Look, the faculty already hates me,
教职工已经很讨厌我了
and the Dean signs my paychecks.
而我的工资都是校长发的
But this is important!
可这件事很重要
I can assure you that's not true.
我向你保证这事儿不重要
Fruit, fruit, fruit, fruit, fruit!
水果水果水果水果
Collect the seeds, sucka!
收集种子啊废物
After the tone, please leave a message.
听到声音后请留言
Hey, Abed. Lab ran late.
阿布蒂实验进行得有点晚
What'd Annie get us for dinner?
安妮会给我们准备什么晚饭呢
I hope it's not salad again.
但愿别又是沙拉了
I'd rather just stop at the meat store.
我宁愿去趟肉店
All right. Talk to you later.
好回头聊
Well, hello.
你好呀
Will you stop with the cups and the blankets?
递水披毛毯什么的拜托能消停会儿吗
This is how they comfort victims in movies.
我这安慰受害者呢电影里都这么演的
Okay, I am hereby banning change from this campus.
够了我特此声明校园里禁用零钱
You really think that's an effective...
你真觉得这样有用吗
Well, guess what, your two cents is change,
你那两分钱也是零钱
and it's banned.
现在不能用了
Got something.
有发现
Frankie, somebody get me a bag.
小弗给我拿个袋子来
Oh, give me that.
给我
"I hope you enjoyed my work again.
我的大作还望喜欢
You can't stop me, because what are you gonna do,
你们阻止不了我的你们能怎么做呢
not have butts?".
舍菊缉盗吗
Dean, I think it's a teacher.
院长我觉得是老师干的
I beg your what? I have evidence that shows...
你说什么我有证据显示
Yeah, and I have evidence that shows I'm not listening.
我也有证据表明我没在听
Exhibit "A," Exhibit "B." La la la la la la.
证据一证据二啦啦啦
This is never gonna end
如果你为了政♥治♥罔顾正义
if you keep choosing politics over justice.
这件事永远不会完的
Okay, you want to make trouble?
想闹事吗
Go to Parker Brothers. You're out.
去帕克兄弟公♥司♥ 你被开除了
Take it easy.
淡定
Taking it easy is how Troy ended up
还淡定特洛伊就是这么
with a quarter of a buck in his crack.
菊花沟里被投了硬币
Annie, nobody's asking you to do this...
安妮没人让你做这些
Jeff, come on! You know how this school works.
杰夫这破学校你还不清楚吗
We do it, or it doesn't get done.
如果我们不出手这事就永远没完
The men on our coins understood that.
投硬币的家伙都了解
Maybe the Ass Crack Bandit's point
也许投菊大盗要告诉我们的就是
is that we're letting our values slide.
我们让自己的价值也滑向深渊了
Or maybe he's a frat boy coming from the laundromat.
也许他不过是自助洗衣店的兄弟会成员
The important question is "Who cares?"
重点是「谁在乎丫的」
Look,
听着
let me know what you need from me...
要我帮忙就直接说
on the down low. Way down low.
要低调必须低调