凯文滚一边（2021）

Kevin Can F- Himself S01E02

Part 1 Oct. 25, 2021, 2:43 p.m.

我在想
I've been thinking...
- 呃 - 不 - 又来 - 不
-Ugh. -No. -Again? -No!
凯文滚一边前情提要
Previously on "Kevin Can Himself"...
不
No!
如果我能重新开始去别的地方
If I could start over, and go somewhere else...
山姆
Sam.
所以我过去15年错过了什么
So, what did I miss the last 15 years?
这是什么
What's this?
我们要搬家了
We're moving.
醒醒吧账户空了
Wake the hell up. The account's empty.
我们决定我们要留下了
We decided we're staying.
是吗
We did?
所以怎么这已经是第七天了
So, this is, what? Seven days in a row?
你还真细心
You're sweet to notice.
这是我的新常态
It's my new ritual.
一个司康饼一本书还有一些宁静
A scone, a book, and some peace.
你是新来镇子上吗
Are you new to town?
不一辈子都住在这里
No. Lived here all my life,
但是从来没时间照顾自己
but I just never had any time for myself.
但是自从我丈夫去世之后
But since my husband passed...
我没意识到
Oh, I didn't realize.
我是个寡妇
I'm a widow.
怎么走的
How'd that happen?
我杀的
Oh, I killed him.
那挺好亲爱的
Good for you, honey.
想要不被抓住挺难的把
It's gotta be tough not getting caught.
你怎么做的
How'd you do it?
我不知道我是怎么做的
I don't know how I did it.
怎么回事
What the hell is happening?!
今天是贝利切克连帽衫日
It's Belichick Hoodie Day!
什么是贝利切克连帽衫日
What?!It's Belichick Hoodie Day!
不
Oh, no.
你还好吗亲爱的
You okay, babe?
绝对闹正当了
Definitely concussed.
换做别的日子我会在乎
And any other day, that'd bother me.
但是今天不会
But not today!
你不想问问为什么吗
Don't you wanna ask me why?
因为我的正版比尔·贝利切克汗衫
Wh-- Because my genuine Bill Belichick sweatshirt --
短袖剪裁跟教练穿的一样
cut at the sleeves like a boss
至少被穿着去参加了两次比赛
and worn to at least two Pats games --
今天就要到了
is arriving today!
你买♥♥连帽衫花了多少钱
And, uh, how much you pay for a torn hoodie?
我不能也不会给
I cannot and will not put a price
对我来说史上最佳教练标价
on what the greatest coach of all time means to me.
好网上是怎么标的
Okay, well, what price did the Internet put on it?
比我们婚姻高比我们的车低
More than our wedding, less than our car.
我正做美梦呢
Oh! I was having the nicest dream.
拜托你什么时候都能睡
Come on! You can sleep anytime!
这就像是圣诞节造成
This is like Christmas morning!
我的礼物在哪
Okay, well, then, where's my present?
你的礼物
Your present?
我就是那个不断给予的礼物宝贝
Well, I'm the gift that keeps on giving, baby!
贝利切克连帽衫日
Belichick Hoodie Day!
我杀了他
I killed him.
今天是贝利切克连帽衫日
It's, uh -- It's Bill Belichick Hoodie Day.
对
Oh, yes.
但是我一个人庆祝
But I celebrate privately.
祝你愉快
Well, have a good one.
我们的早餐呢
Hey, where's our breakfast?
你不该偏袒的
You're not supposed to have favorites.
凯文是我的丈夫
Kevin's my husband.
是尼尔早餐是给家人做的
Yeah, Neil, breakfast is for family.
看凯文是丈夫我是岳父
See, Kevin's the husband, I'm the father-in-law.
是我是兄弟
Yeah, and I'm like a brother.
不你是个因为
No, you're more like a cousin
跟踪别人进了监狱的堂兄
who just got out of jail for stalking.
所以人都暗暗0希望他被抓回去
And everyone's secretly kind of hoping he goes back.
基斯怎么样不怎么样
How is Keith? Bad.
宝贝
Hey, babe?
你能看看我的包裹到了没有
Can you go see if my package is here yet?
你不能去吗
Can't you do it?
我还有别的事
I'm in the middle of something.
天我真的需要这个连帽衫
Aw, man, I really need this hoodie.
在上周我的手♥机♥
The old self-esteem took a real hit this week
换到前置摄像头的时候让我自尊心受挫
when the camera on my phone flipped to face me.
双下巴一大堆
So many chins.
那只是婴儿肥
That's just baby fat, bro.
多谢兄弟
Thanks, brother.
我看过了还没有包裹
Well, I checked, and no package yet.
这也太久了
Ugh! This is taking forever!
我上辈子做了什么孽才经历这种事情
What sins did I commit in a past life to deserve this?
上辈子
Past life?
亲爱的你知道你想幽默的时候是什么样子
Hon, you know what happens when you try to be funny.
凯文我想我听到快递车开过来的声音了
Kev, I think I hear a delivery truck coming down the street.
这下他起来了
Now he can get up.
天那是救护车
Aw, man, it's just an ambulance!
在我们的街上 - 千万别是来接我的
On our street? - Please don't be for me.
千万别是来接我的
Please don't be for me.
新邻居门前有包裹
Hey, the new neighbors have packages on their stoop.
怎么搞的
What gives?
我看到她搬进来我不喜欢这个人
I saw her moving in, and I am not a fan.
气氛不对兄弟
Bad vibes there, bro.
坏邻居
Ooh, bad neighbors.
那是什么样的人啊
What would that be like?
你是不是又在幽默了
You trying to be funny again?
不是
No.
那就好
Good.
尼尔可能说得没错
And Neil's probably right.
我到那里去尽邻居之谊
I went over there to be neighborly.
你知道让他们知道
Uh-huh. You know, make sure they know
谁是这条街上的老大
who's the alpha on the street.
希望你还告诉他们谁是老二
Hope you also told 'em who's the beta.
你知道我问他们最喜欢的足球队是哪支的狮虎
And you know what they said when I asked them
他们说什么
what their favorite football team was?
曼联
Manchester United.
俩足球不是一回事说真的
Football is football.I mean, really,
连体育赛事都没人在乎了吗
is nothing sacred?
我想要
Hi. I was hoping to do s--
这里不能吃东西
Hey, there's no eating in here.
这里是图书馆
This is a "liberry."
当然抱歉
Of course. Sorry.
你要餐巾吗
Um, you want a napkin?
不我没事
Oh, no, I'm fine.
我想要搜集资料
Um, I was hoping to do some computer research.
我在写本书
I'm writing a book. Mm.
其实是本浪漫小说
It's a romance novel, actually.
写的是一个悲惨的女人
It's about a woman who's sad.
过得很惨过去十年
She's very sad, and she just wasted the last 10 years
浪费在了一段糟糕的婚姻上
of her life on this terrible marriage.
非常凄惨
Very pathetic.
一开始很压抑但是
It's very depressing in the beginning, but, um --
但是有一天她意识到她想要
But then, one day, she realizes what she wants --
真的她有个出色的计划
truly -- and she has this brilliant plan.
她一直扮演完美主妇的角色
She keeps playing perfect housewife,
但是与此同时 - 和邻居搞外遇了
but in the meantime - Affair with her neighbor?
什么
What?
不是
No.
她决定杀了丈夫
She decides to kill her husband.
她为什么不直接离开
Why wouldn't she just leave?
离开
Leave?