凯文滚一边（2021）

Kevin Can F- Himself S01E07

Part 7 Oct. 25, 2021, 2:45 p.m.

她背着你去看了妇科医生
to the baby doctor without you?
没错
Definitely.
但如果这些庸医让她相信了这些
But if these quacks get in her head,
她可能就会把这事怪到我的蜜蜂身上
she might try pinning herissues on mybees.
- 她不会的 - 她会的
She wouldn't.She would.
但现在她不能这样做了因为只要我进去
But now, she can't, because once I go in the back
把小蜜蜂们装进杯子里
and buzz in a little cup,
我就有合法的文件证明
I'll have legal documentation
我的蜂巢都是些可以授粉的小蜜蜂
showing that my dude-hive is loaded with primo pollen.
最厉害的那种
The primo-est.
你太聪明了
That's so smart.
太有道理了
It makes perfect sense.
另外还有个好处
Plus, as a bonus,
他们还有黄色杂♥志♥可以看喔
they got dirty magazines back there.
你不能看手♥机♥上的裸体照片什么的吗
Well, can't you just, like, watch nudie stuff on your phone?
你的历史感去哪了内尔
Where's your sense of history, Neil?!
这些都是杂♥志♥啊老套的东西
These are magazines, okay? Old school.
简直就像是参观威廉斯堡殖民地
It'll be like visiting Colonial Williamsburg
并搅拌我自己的黄油
and churning my own butter.
这是多么充实的经历啊
It's an enriching experience.
你总是能找到这个世界中的魅力所在
You always find a way to see the magic in the world.
大家注意了
Attention, everyone!
马上来客厅报道
Report to the living room at once!
马上来客厅报道事态紧急
Report to the living room! This is urgent!
上次你说紧急
The last time you claimed something was urgent,
不过就是医生给你开了个假处方
you had a fake doctor's note
说你缺乏肉丸潜水艇
claiming you had a "meatball sub deficiency".
你知道那是假的
You knew that was fake?
无所谓了
Listen, none of that matters now.
我有事要宣布
I have an announcement.
凯文注意力集中
Kevin, focus!
抱歉
Hey! Sorry.
我凯文·加内特·麦克罗伯兹就要成为爸爸了
I, Kevin Garnett McRoberts, am going to be a daddy.
天哪太让人激动了
Oh, my God! Oh, this is so exciting!
多美好啊我的孩子
What a blessing! Oh, my child. Oh --
什么不我没有怀孕
What? No. What? I'm not pregnant!
艾莉森说得对爸
Allison's right, Dad.
这个烤箱里还没有小包子
There is no bun in this roomy oven just yet.
但是别担心
But don't worry.
马上就会
There will be plenty of tummy touching
有了
down the road.
凯文你开什么玩笑呢
Kevin, what kind of joke is this?
一个宇宙级的玩笑
A cosmic one, really.
我从不想做父亲
I never wanted to be a father.
你知道我对孩子的看法
You know what I say about kids --
- 他们只有小小的手指头最可爱 - 小小的手指头
they're only good for their tiny fingers.Tiny fingers.
没错
Exactly.
而我什么都有了
And I'm all set there,
因为你的手也很小
'cause your hands are pretty small.
哦真甜蜜
That's sweet.
等一有了孩子凡事就得先考虑他们了
When you have a kid, it becomes all about them,
就没有我的位置了太糟糕了
which means it's not about me, and that sucks.
你简直是上帝赐给我的礼物凯文
You were a blessing, Kevin.
你从来没给我惹过麻烦
You never caused me a problem once.
谢谢但那是因为
Well, thanks, but that's 'cause
你喝了基♥督♥的血了老爸
you were drunk off the blood of Christ, Pop.
然后我去了婴儿银行
But I took my talents to the baby batter bank.
那是什么东西
The what now?
育儿中心
The fartility clinic.
结果发现
And I found out
我的小蜜蜂们有着99%的成活率
that my bees have 99% motility.
孩子这是我遗传给你的啊
Runs in the family, son.
你妈怀孕那会
Yeah, when I got your mom pregnant,
我们连洗澡都在不同的浴缸里就像那个希爱力的广♥告♥一样
we were in separate bathtubs, like that Cialis commercial.
别这样好嘛
Oh, come on!
如果我不生孩子
It would be a slap in God's face
那简直就是打上帝的脸啊
if I only used my business for recreational purposes.
不行
No.
我要让镇上到处都是小凯文
I need to populate this town with mini-Kevins,
为全人类做贡献
for the good of all mankind.
这才是我的儿子真酷
That's my boy.So cool.
没开玩笑吧
No joke?
没有亲爱的
No joke, babe.
我知道我知道
Oh, I know. I know.
你所有的梦想都能成真了
All your dreams are coming true.
说过了我那里什么都没有
Again, there's nothing in there!
还没有暂时还没
Not yet! Not yet!
但是时间很重要你知道
But time is of the essence, because, you know,
乐队马上就要忙起来了
the band is starting to really take off,
我们需要赶紧准备起来了
and we need to get this going now.
如果你下周离开镇上之前
How awesome would it be if we got you preggo
就能怀上该有多好啊
before you left town next week?
你可以跟你妈妈一起庆祝这个好消息了
You could celebrate the good news with your mom!
这么说你是想
So, you're saying you want to...
现在吗
like, right now?
现在不行
No. Not right now.
珍妮·麦卡锡的短背心
No, Jenny McCarthy Tank Top
今晚还有音乐会呢
has our inaugural concert tonight,
我们得准备一下
so we have to get ready.
在音乐会之后我就是你的了
But after the concert, I'm all yours, hon.
这样哈
You know what?
你可以在家里做我的追星族
You'll be like my little at-home groupie.
真不敢相信我要做爸了
I still can't believe it! I'm gonna be a daddy!
爸爸
D-A-D-D-Y!
爸爸
Men: D-A-D-D-Y!
爸爸
D-A-D-D-Y!
珍妮·麦卡锡的短背心
Jenny McCarthy Tank Top
多美好的夜晚
What an amazing night!
多美好的夜晚
What an amazing night!
我刚刚经过了
Oh, I just had
人生中最美好的夜晚
the most amazing night of my entire life.
人群一再要求我演唱
The crowd demanded three karaoke encores
不要停止相信
of "Don't Stop Believing."
你真该去的
You should've been there.
尽管你要是去了
Although if you had been,
会让气氛有点不一样
it might've changed the vibe a little.
对
Sure.
你能现象得到要是我们乐队开始出原声大碟时
Can you imagine how much people are gonna love our band
或者开始学乐器时
once we actually have original songs?
得多受大家的欢迎吗
Or learn to play instruments?
超欢迎的
So much.
好了该睡了
Well, time for bed.
我们都知道你喝完酒会是什么样
We both know how you are when you've had liquor.
不不不
Oh, no, no, no, no.
不女士今晚可不会
No, ma'am. Not tonight.
我为了要成为一个好爸爸
In the spirit of being a good daddy,
我一滴酒都没喝
I have not had a drop to drink.
只有6罐红牛
Just six Red Bulls.
我跟你说哈
I'll tell you,
这个药物和摇滚的事
all this talk of drugs and rock 'n' roll
一直让我在想
has really got me thinking, you know,
三重彩这事好像缺了点什么
there's something missing from that trifecta.
我不知道
I don't know.
也许今晚就是我们
Maybe tonight is the night that we start --
什么声音
What was that?
只是房♥子沉降的声音吧
I think it's just the house settling.
好像不是
Well, it sounded like more than that.
好吧
Okay.
有人进来了
There's someone in the house.
- 你待在这 - 不会吧
You stay there.Oh, this can't be happening.