凯文滚一边（2021）

Kevin Can F- Himself S01E02

Part 5 Oct. 25, 2021, 2:43 p.m.

给他们一个教训
A true message.
什么教训足球会爆♥炸♥吗
What, that soccer blows?
行啊
Solid.
什么不不是
What? N-No.
教训是逆我者亡
That they cannot mess with me!
显然他们得到了教训
And that message was received.
你要是能看见那一幕就好了
You should have seen it.
火光闪闪五彩斑斓
The sparks! The colors!
六边形的球皮到处飘
Little flaming hexagons flying everywhere.
真的真的堪称壮观
It was -- It was -- It was spectacular!
但是我把他们的草坪点着了
But I also burned their lawn.
你把他们的草坪点着了
You lit their lawn on fire?
- 我听说了 - 没事的
I heard about that. - It's fine.
烧光一簇草
A little singe will just make the grass
长出一片林
grow back twice as lush --
就像我的脚毛一样
if it's anything like my foot hair.
所以他们就把我们的垃圾桶给点了
So, that's when they torched our garbage cans?
对啊你敢信吗
Yeah. Can you believe it?
几乎就是蓄意纵火了
It's practically arson.
可是你把他们的草坪给烧了啊
Well, you lit their lawn on fire!
怪他们偷我的运动衫
They stole my sweatshirt!
你把他们的花架给烧了啊
You burned down their pergola!
不管怎样事态正在飞速升级
Irregardless, this is all just ramping up so fast,
我们要加强安保
we had to beef up security.
这就是你所谓的安保
And that's our security?
球棒只是第一道关卡
Well, the bat is step one.
第二道是
Step two is--
尼尔把我们的第三道关卡带回来了
Ah, Neil returns with step three.
我派他去和我的人接头
I sent him to my guy.
那人可是特警退伍
He's former SWAT.
尼尔你干什么呢
Neil, what are you doing?
你的人给了我这条狗
Well, this is what your guy gave me.
凯文你让步了
Kev! You caved!
啥
Wha?
- 你送我一条狗 - 当然不是
You got me a dog? - 'Course not.
我还是坚持不养宠物
My "No Pets" rule stands.
我不允许这屋子里有比我更可爱的生物
I refuse not to be the cutest thing in this house.
想得美宝贝
Impossible, babe.
再说了这也不是我送你的狗
Besides, that's not a dog.
这是个错误
That's a mistake.
尼尔我是派你去取
Neil, I-I sent you to my guy to get,
步♥枪♥或者十字弓之类的
like, a rifle or a crossbow or something.
我知道但你的人说更厉害的武器
Yeah, well, your guy said this was the most weapon
我把持不住
I could handle.
这也不错对吧
It's something. Is it?
说不好他看起来好疲惫
I don't know. He looks tired.
行动有点迟缓
Maybe a little slow.
是啊
Yeah.
还懒洋洋的
And lazy.
不像是一条能成大事的狗
Doesn't seem like McRoberts material.
狗现在是你的试用期
Dog, you're here on a trial basis.
在正式录取前我是不会给你起名的
No name till you're off probation.
不许向我老婆撒欢
And no cavortin' with my wife.
好吧你的第二道关卡是什么
Okay, so, what's step two?
第一道关卡是球棒
Well, step one's the bat.
第三道关卡是这条狗
Step three is the dog.
那第二道关卡是什么
So what's step two?
我在外面安装了全套专业安保设施
Oh, I installed a full DING security system outside.
每道门前都有动作传感器和摄像头
Cameras at every door, motion-sensored.
全都联网了宝贝
I've got it wired, babe.
我埋头苦干
I'm feeling diligent,
聚精会神
focused.
你有薯片啊
You got chips there?
- 这是我自己家的 - 真的吗
I brought them from home.Did you, now?
你知道分享是美德的
You know what they say about sharing.
- 不要 - 给我
No. - Gimme.
我去
God damn it.
真乖
Good boy.
你是一条乖狗狗
That's a good boy.
看看我手上是什么
What's this?
对了真乖啊
Yeah, you're a good boy.
这话也不对
Well, actually, no.
乖不是一个好词
That's not a nice thing to say.
对不起
I'm sorry.
乖狗狗享受不到什么乐趣
Good boys don't get to do anything fun.
相信我我懂你
Trust me, I get it.
这是我第一次偷偷溜出去
This is my first time sneaking out of a house.
为什么我以前从没有干过这种事
Why'd I wait so long to do something like this, huh?
多刺♥激♥啊
It's exciting.
以后我可以炫耀这件事
It'll be a good story.
你还想知道其他值得炫耀的事情吗
You wanna know another good story?
这连帽衫是我偷来的
I stole the goddamn hoodie.
不要出♥卖♥♥♥我好吗小家伙
Don't rat me out, okay, pal?
谢谢你
Thank you.
你好好待着
You stay there.
你就是马库斯的姑娘
You Marcus' girl?
是的啊不是
Yeah. Well, no.
- 我不是他的姑娘但 - 我懂的
I'm not his girl, but --I got ya.
你打算怎么交易
Uh, how do you wanna do this?
你平常怎么做就好
However you'd normally do it is good, I guess.
先交钱
Money first?
听起来不错
Sounds good.
你想要给多少所以什么
W-What do you want to pay --So, wha-- Oh.
你你先来对不起
You g-- Uh, y-you go first. Sorry.
200 没门
Uh, $200? No way.
大多数在你这个处境的人知道我给这个价
Most girls in your position would be kissing the ground
都要感激涕零了
I walk on for that price.
我和大多数人不一样所以
Well, I'm not most girls, so...
120 一口价
$120, final offer.
上车
Get in.
我们要上哪去
Uh, where we going?
我们不能在这交易
We can't do this right here.
所以你带东西了吗
S-- Uh-- So, you got the stuff?
你的东西就在这
Oh -- Oh, I got your stuff right here.
你什么你在做什么
No, wha-- What the hell are you doing?
对
Oh, right.
马库斯说你喜欢那种东西
Marcus said you were into that sort of thing.
不先生我不是那种人
"Oh, no, Mister. I'm not that kind of guy."
什么不不我不要和你做♥爱♥
What?! No! No! I'm not gonna have sex with you!
马库斯说我会和你上♥床♥
Marcus said I -- I would have sex with you?!
花钱不就是为了做这个的吗
E-- That's usually what the money's for, yeah.
天不我不是妓♥女♥
Oh, my -- No, I'm not a prostitu--
马库斯说你会卖♥♥给我药
Marcus said that you'd sell me pills.
止痛药之类的
Like, drugs?
女士我是买♥♥保险的
La-- Lady, I sell life insurance.
马库斯想要报复我所以
Marcus was trying to get back at me, so it --
对不起我得走了
I'm sorry, I have to go.
等等等等
Whoa, wait, wait, wait, wait. Ah!
见鬼
God damn! Oh!
搞什么
What the hell?!
我我我我想要告诉你
I-I -- I -- I was just trying to tell you
那门上有儿童保护锁
there's a child lock on that door.
天呐
Oh, my God.
你你打断了我的鼻子
You -- You broke my frickin' nose!
真对不起
I'm so sorry.
来来来
Here, here, here.
天呐
Ow! God! Oh!
老天爷
Gah! Jesus Christ, lady!
你最起码给我个手活
The least you could do is give me a handjob.
不谢谢你
No, thank you.