糟糕历史（2009）
Horrible Histories S04E09
Part 3
Jan. 3, 2021, 1:01 p.m.
我曾觉得自己光秃秃的尾巴有些窘
Actually, I used to be a bit embarrassed about my bald tail,
直到我意识到自己不是松鼠
till I realised I'm not a squirrel.
不管怎样 尤利乌斯·凯撒更出名的是
Anyway, what's better known about Julius Caesar
他在公元前55年登陆不列颠岛
is that he landed in Britain in 55 BC.
那是罗马第一次入侵不列颠
It was the first Roman invasion of Britain,
但显然不是最后一次
but certainly not the last.
糟糕历史电视台
新闻联播
大家好 欢迎收看《那时新闻》
Hello and welcome to News at When.
那时 大概两千多年前
When? Just over 2,000 years ago,
当时 一些来自罗马的君主
when a series of emperors from Rome,
自称为罗马皇帝
calling themselves Roman Emperors,
决定将不列颠纳入其不断壮大的帝国版图
decided to try and add Britain to their ever-growing empire.
详细内容 请看本台记者鲍勃·黑尔带来的
Here with more details on this intriguing invasion is Bob Hale
不列颠尼亚行省报道
with the Roman Britain report.
鲍勃
Bob.
谢谢 萨姆
Thank you, Sam.
大概是公元前100年 就在这里
Well, it's around 100 years BC, and that right there,
公元前100年
除非我搞错了
unless I'm very much mistaken,
这是我不列颠形状的书签 并且
is my Britain-shaped birthmark, and...
不对 这是真的不列颠
Oh, no, that's actually Britain.
那里都是凯尔特人
Which is full of Celts.
这有一个 那是他兄弟 和那个伙计
There's one, that's his brother, there's a mate...
总之就是有很多凯尔特人
actually there's loads of them.
在一个迷你王国里过着快乐的部落生活
And they live a happy tribal life in little mini-kingdoms
从铁器时代起一直如此
just like they have done since the Iron Age.
但是好景不长
But not for long!
到了公元前55年
Yes, it's 55 BC,
公元前55年
尤利西斯·凯撒隆重登场
and who should rock up but Julius Caesar,
他坚信凯尔特人在支持一个
who, believing that the Celts are helping
在法国的罗马反对者
an anti-Roman rebellion over in France,
于是他决定给英国人一个教训
decides to teach Britain a lesson,
我来 我见 我征服
教教他们一次入侵可以悲剧到什么地步
specifically a lesson in how to badly organise an invasion.
没错 凯撒进攻英国失败得一塌糊涂
Yes, Caesar's plan to invade Britain completely fails,
于是他提出了另一项大胆的计划
so he comes up with a bold new plan,
那便是 全盘照搬地再次入侵英国
which, somewhat unoriginally, is to try and invade Britain again.
公元前54年
B计划 再次入侵英国 凯撒
他来了 见了 带走了几个俘虏
Yes, he came, he saw, he took a few prisoners,
然后他厌烦了 回家了 故事讲完了
he got bored, he went home, and that's the end of that.
但没过多久
But not for long!
接下来 疯子卡里古拉打算把英国
Yes, next up to try and add Britain to the Roman Empire
并入罗马版图
is crazy Caligula,
但是忘了跟他的士兵说入侵的事情
who forgets to tell his troops about the invasion,
于是不得不取消了整个行动
and has to cancel the whole thing.
取而代之 他对大海宣战
So he declares war on the sea instead,
然后抓了一批贝壳当俘虏
and takes a load of seashells as prisoners,
卡里古拉比我表哥基思还要古怪
which is weirder than my cousin Keith,
我表哥可是穿熏肉做的裤子
and he wears trousers made of bacon.
公元43年
然后直到公元43年 克劳狄圆了梦想
Then finally, in 43 AD, Emperor Claudius gets the job done
英国终于被他国势力入侵
and Britain is invaded by an expansionist foreign power.
好事坏事 看你怎么看待这件事吧
Or boo, depending on how you like to look at it.
罗马人 滚回家
克劳狄横扫现在的英格兰的策略中
Claudius sweeps through what we now call England
组合了甜言蜜语
using a tried and tested combination of smooth talk
罗马新密友
和不可想象的暴♥力♥行径
and unimaginable violence.
但是凯尔特人也不是吃素的 绝对不是
But the Celts are no pushover, no siree, whoever that is.
一位名叫布迪卡的女士决定组织反♥攻♥
A certain Miss Boudicca decides to fight back,
带领着十万凯尔特人在惠特灵街战役
leading 100,000 Celts to face a mere 10,000 Romans
大战仅仅一万罗马人
at the Battle of Watling Street,
以我的数学思维来看 这事诡异
which is pretty good odds by my maths.
或许也是为什么我老是数学不及格
Which may explain why I failed maths.
因为 尽管人数上以十敌一
Because, despite being outnumbered ten to one,
罗马人还是大败凯尔特人
the Romans completely clobber the Celts.
然后他们痛扁威尔士人 一路打到北边
Then they whack the Welsh, knock out the north,
然后顺势拿下了苏格兰 没错吧
and push right up into Scotland, right?
大错特错
Wrong!
苏格兰 在当时还被称为古苏格兰
You see, Scotland, or Caledonia as it was known then,
是皮克特人的家 住着骁勇的部落战士
is home to the Picts, fierce tribal warriors
跟他们比起来 罗马人就像
who make the Romans look like
我苏格兰叔叔肯尼口中的"大杰茜"
what my Scottish Uncle Kenny would call a big Jessie.
[苏格兰和北部英国人以此称呼懦夫]
那其实也可以说是我阿姨杰茜
Though that may also be a reference to my Aunt Jessie,
她身高有三米
who is three metres tall.
经过几次对古苏格兰不成功的入侵后
Yes, after repeated attempts to invade Caledonia,
罗马人极为灰心丧气
and with beaten Romans, in every sense,
于是国王哈德良决定
it's Emperor Hadrian who decides
筑建一道横跨国家的城墙
to simply seal the Picts in
用这个简单的法子来对付皮克特人
by building a massive wall right across the country,
我不是开玩笑
and I'm not even joking.
这便是哈德良长城
Yes, it's Hadrian's Wall,
北边是古苏格兰南边是不列颠尼亚
with Caledonia to the north and Britannia to the south.
于是大功告成
So there we have it.
罗马帝国的北方边界确立下来
The northern edge of the Roman Empire is established,
每个人都清楚自己所处的位置
everyone knows where they stand,
故事也就到此结束了
and that's the end of that.
但是没有持续多久
But not for long!
居住在古苏格兰南部低地的皮克特人
You see, the Lowland Picts, in the south of Caledonia,
开始跟罗马人进行贸易往来
start trading with the Romans,
但是每当罗马人越过哈德良长城做交易时
but every time the Romans cross Hadrian's Wall to do a deal,
住在高地的皮克特人便冲下来袭击他们
the Highland Picts from up there run down and attack them.
[安敦宁·毕尤 罗马帝国五贤帝的第四位]
于是新国王 安敦宁·毕尤
So the new emperor, Antoninus Pius,
提出一项突破性伟大创举
comes up with a groundbreaking new plan...
再建一道墙
another wall!
没错 他建了一道安多宁长城
Yes, he builds the Antonine Wall,
把好战的高地人
which cuts off the warring Highlanders
和经商的低地人分隔开来
from the trading Lowlanders.
天才之举 极具启发意义
It's brilliant, it's inspired,
彻底浪费了大把时间
it's a complete waste of time,
高地人要想袭击 翻过墙来就是了
as the Highlanders just climb over the wall and attack them anyway.
直到公元211年
Until, in 211 AD,
公元211年
皇帝塞普蒂米乌斯·塞维鲁说“玩够了”
when Emperor Septimus Severus says, "Enough is enough,"
他是用拉丁语说的
or the Latin equivalent,
他决定给这些皮克特人一个教训
and decides to finally show these Picts
叫他们别把罗马当病猫了
what the Romans are made of.
他侵略过 战斗过
He invades, he fights,
然后被打得落花流水
he is completely beaten.
就像杰茜阿姨海绵蛋糕面糊里面的鸡蛋
Beaten like the eggs in my Aunt Jessie's Victoria sponge mixture,
大家都记得我阿姨她有3米高
and let's not forget she's three metres tall
膀子粗得跟橡树一样
with arms like oak trees.
当意识到自己绝无可能攻占古苏格兰
Anyway, realising that they'll never conquer Caledonia,
罗马人就把注意力集中在了英国人身上
the Romans concentrate on Britannia instead,
他们究竟做了什么呢
and what a job they do.
他们引入罗马规格的马路
They introduce Roman roads,
罗马的食物 货币 和鹰钩鼻
Roman food, Roman coins and Roman noses,
英国人在罗马人的统治下快乐地生活着
and Britain lives quite happily under Roman rule
就这样一直过了四个多世纪
for four long centuries.
直到最后 罗马本土遭遇敌人入侵
Until finally, with Rome itself under threat from invaders,
在公元410年 罗马军队离开了英国
in 410 AD, the Roman army leaves Britain,
一同离开的还有罗马的科技和罗马鼻
taking their technology and noses with them,
英国遭受重创 文化锐减
and plunging Britain into a cultural decline
常被称作"黑暗时期"
often referred to as the Dark Ages.
究竟有多黑呢
And how dark was it?
据我估计 至少像现在这样黑
Well, by my estimations, at least as dark as this.
我真心不知道出什么状况了
Well, I genuinely don't know what just happened.
把画面交还给你 萨姆
Um...Ba...Back to you, Sam.
激进的文艺复兴
意大利的文艺复兴时期
The Renaissance era in Italy
因为留下了丰富的文化遗产而闻名
is well known for its rich cultural heritage
但在那个时期
but, at the time,
糟糕历史（2009）
Horrible Histories
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