糟糕历史（2009）
Horrible Histories S04E07
Part 3
Jan. 3, 2021, 1 p.m.
Bit embarrassing I know, but let's move on.
加尔巴大帝是被罗马禁卫军杀死
换个皇帝 计划照旧
OK, so same plan as before, different emperor.
我们这些禁卫军看来不是很擅长
We Praetorian Guards don't seem very good
保护皇帝性命
at this keeping the Emperor alive thing.
罗马皇帝奥托万岁
Hail Otto, Emperor of Rome.
奥托万岁
Hail Otto!
不 他也死了 但这次不是我们干的
No, he's dead too, but it wasn't us this time,
他自杀了
he killed himself.
奥托大帝于公元69年自杀
呼哈
Ooh, hoo haa.
总而言之 保护皇帝 好吧
So, to recap, protect the emperor, all right?
一年内失去三个皇帝了 不能再死了
That's three emperors we've lost in 12 months, no more!
我们必须保证维特里乌斯大帝的安全
We must keep Emperor Vitellius safe
把这当作我们最重要的事
if it's the last thing we, ugh!
维特里乌斯大帝颁布法令说
Oh, Emperor Vitellius has decreed
给所有的禁卫军涨工资
that all Praetorian Guards should get a pay rise.
-真的吗 -不是真的 他也死了
- Really? - Nah, not really. He's dead too.
维特里乌斯总共仅当了250天的皇帝
维斯帕先大帝万岁
Hail Emperor Vespasian.
-呼哈 -爱谁谁吧
- Hoo haa! - Whoever.
没错 公元69年一共有四位皇帝
That's right, there were four emperors in 69AD,
其中三位都死得很惨
with three of them dying horribly.
当维特里乌斯大帝被杀后
When Emperor Vitellius was killed,
他的尸体被扔进下水道 太不可思议了
his body was shoved in the sewer, and that's just shocking!
不知道有人是住在下水道里的吗
Some of us live in the sewers.
我就不会往你家里扔死尸
I mean, I wouldn't chuck a dead body into your home, huh!
除非我在你家吐了只死苍蝇出来
Well, unless I've sicked up a fly I suppose.
罗马人的确是换了不少君王
Yes, those Romans sure got through a lot of emperors,
这意味着他们要不停地更换皇帝的雕塑
which meant they needed to keep changing their statues.
大家好 我是广♥告♥人
Hi, I'm a shouty man
我来向大家宣传全新君王雕塑
and I'm here to tell you about New Emperor Statue!
山呼万岁 随处可拜的
The hail anywhere likeness
你最爱的罗马君主雕塑
of your favourite Roman emperor.
全新君王雕塑可以放在任何地方
New Emperor Statue can be placed anywhere.
市场里 庙宇里 甚至还有市场里
In the marketplace, in the temple or even in the marketplace.
但不仅仅是这样 对吧
But that's not all, is it?
鉴于罗马君王的高死亡率
Due to the high murder rate of Roman emperors,
在公元193年一年里死了四个
four in one year in 193AD,
全新君主雕塑提供了你需要的全部功能
New Emperor statue comes with everything you need
让你的罗马小雕像永远与时俱进
to keep your Roman figurine completely up to date.
皇帝被背后插刀了吗 没问题
Old emperor stabbed in the back? Good!
因为你可以自己动手
Because you can make your statue
让你的雕像看起来像新任皇帝
look like the new emperor,
多亏了这些不可思议的可替换头部
thanks to these incredible swappable heads.
罗马人曾经真是这么做的
再见了
Laters!
武将皇帝被文弱书生替代了吗
Warrior emperor replaced by a bookworm?
没问题 只要取下他拿剑的手
No problem, just remove his spear holding hand
换上只拿书的手就可以了
and replace with a book holding one.
他们真的这么做过
他看起来聪明多了
He looks more cleverer already.
科莫德斯 佩蒂纳克斯 尤利安努斯
Commodus, Pertinax, Didius Julianus,
塞普蒂米乌斯·塞维鲁 等等
Septimius Severus, etcetera.
是的 可替换头部和手足意味着
Yes, swappable heads, hands and legs means
在一年或更长时间内你的雕像
your statue can go on looking like the current emperor
都可以看起来像是现任君主
for years or longer.
所以如果想要一座君王雕像
So, for an emperor statue that looks
看起来就像是现任皇帝
just like a statue of the emperor,
只有全新君王雕像能够做到
it can only be New Emperor Statue.
麻烦救救我
Bit of help, please.
冷静 老兄 还在录影呢 卡了吗
Chill out, dude, we're still recording. Are we cut?
能叫辆救护车来吗
Can we get an ambulance?
惊人苏格兰
这里是历史相亲
You're through to Historical Dates,
完美配对 合理收费
perfect matches, reasonable rates.
是 先生 肯定能给您找位新老婆
Yes, sir, I'm sure we can help you find a new wife.
您有婚史吗 两次啊
Have you been married before? Ooh, twice.
没事 先生
No, that won't be a problem, sir,
只要她们不是被你杀死的就没问题
as long as you didn't murder them.
是你杀的 好吧 这就不行了
You did. Right, yes, that will be a problem.
再见 尼禄大帝
OK, bye, Emperor Nero.
是得有多绝望才会跟这位约会啊
You'd have to be totes desperate to go out with that one.
我应该把你的电♥话♥给他的
Should have given him your number.
闭嘴 卡伦 我才没那么饥渴
Oh, shut up, Karen, I'm not desperate.
少来了 明明就有
Shut up! You so are.
我们到了 女王陛下
There you are, Your Majesty.
-真可爱 -你叫什么名字呀
- Adorable. - What's your name?
詹姆斯·汉密尔顿 阿伦伯爵二世
James Hamilton, Second Earl of Arran.
我想找个合适的结婚对象
I seek a suitable marriage partner.
我们很快就能帮您找到妻子的
I'm sure we'll have no trouble finding you a wife.
不是给我找 是给这婴儿
Oh, it's not for me, it's for the baby.
她是我表妹 苏格兰玛丽女王
She's my cousin, Mary Queen of Scots.
她父亲是苏格兰詹姆斯五世 但是
Her daddy was James V of Scotland, but uh,
她出生仅六天 他就死了
he died when she was just six days old.
这太糟糕了
That's awful.
真实故事
当然糟糕 我本来是王位继承人的
You're telling me, I was heir to the throne
直到这小家伙出生了
until this wee one came along.
突然之间 她成了苏格兰女王
All of a sudden, she's Queen of Scotland,
实际上却是我忙着管理国家
only I have to run the country
她只忙着吸她自己脚趾
while she's too busy trying to suck her own toes.
多聪明的小女王啊
Oh, what a clever little queeny.
你不觉得现在就给她找长♥期♥伴侣
You don't think she's a bit young
有点太早了吗
to be looking for a long-term partner?
-她已经订婚半年了 -订婚
- Well, she's been engaged for six months. - Engaged?
-是的 跟爱德华 -他多大了
- Aye, to Edward. - And how old is he?
-六岁 -他都六岁这么老了
- Six. - He's six years old!
他们年龄是差得有点多
I'll admit there's a bit of an age gap,
但他们有太多相似点了
but they've so much in common,
玛丽是苏格兰女王
what with Mary being Queen of Scotland
爱德华是英格兰王位继承人
and Edward being heir to the English throne.
听起来他们挺配的
Well, they do sound well-matched.
他们都在哪约会呢 皇家游乐园吗
Where did they meet then, on a royal play date?
不是 我们正跟英格兰打仗呢
No, we're at war with the English.
这可不是个好开头
That is not such a promising start to a relationship.
我们认为让这两个小家伙结合挺好的
Well, we thought it'd be nice to get the two wee bairns together,
但是苏格兰人♥民♥不是很满意
but uh, the people of Scotland were no' happy,
所以我们就终止了婚约
so we called the whole thing off.
爱德华会怎么说呢
What's Edward going to say?
他才六岁
Well, if he's six years old,
我猜他大概只会说些妖魔鬼怪什么的
I expect he'll mainly talk about bogies.
我更担心他父亲会怎么说
I'm more worried about what his father's going to say.
她在哪
Right, where is she?
你为什么取消跟爱德华的婚约
Why did you call off the engagement to Edward?
他这么迷人 就跟他父亲一样
He's a catch, just like his father, he-he.
顺便说下 我是亨利
I'm Henry, by the way.
婚约可以继续了吗
So, is this marriage back on?
你要吃敬酒还是罚酒
We can do this the easy way or the hard way.
请说要吃罚酒吧
Please say the hard way.
很抱歉 亨利
I'm sorry, Henry.
苏格兰人♥民♥绝不会接受一位英格兰国王的
The people of Scotland will never accept an English king.
这是真实发生的事
太好了 那开战吧
Yes! War it is.
我会把爱丁堡夷为平地
I'm going to raze Edinburgh to the ground
你就等着瞧吧
just you see if I don't.
再见
Goodbye.
闻起来有人需要换衣服了
Ooh, it smells like someone needs changing.
-而且我觉得那人不是宝宝 -对
- And I don't think it's the baby. - No.
通过玛丽和爱德华六世的联姻
The plan to unite England and Scotland
来联合英格兰与苏格兰的计划
through the marriage of Edward VI
并没有成功
and Mary Queen of Scots didn't work out.
但当伊丽莎白一世死后
But when Elizabeth I died,
苏格兰詹姆斯六世成了英格兰詹姆斯一世
James VI of Scotland also became James I of England,
终于统一了两个国家
糟糕历史（2009）
Horrible Histories
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