糟糕历史（2009）
Horrible Histories S04E06
Part 3
Jan. 3, 2021, 1 p.m.
啃下了俾路支将军的头
you chewed the head off of General Balochi.
把他的头啃下来了
Chewed his head off!
这怎么可能
How is that even possible?
我的第一证人可以回答这个问题
A question best put to my first witness.
劳驾 传证人上庭
Please, call to the stand,
-哈尔科夫下士 -传哈尔科夫下士
- Corporal Harkov. - Call Corporal Harkov.
哈尔科夫下士
Corporal Harkov,
你是否目击俾路支少将的头被残忍♥地咬下
did you witness the vicious head chew of Major General Balochi?
是的
"Yes, indeed I did."
你能在现场指认出那只老鼠
And can you identify the rat
或者是伪装成老鼠的耗子吗
or mouse in rat's costume anywhere here today?
-是他 是他干的 -我问完了
- "It's him. He did it!" - No further questions.
你的证人好像是个玩具人偶
Good, amazing. Your witness appears to be a toy figure.
还是名优秀的士兵
And an excellent soldier.
总之就是你发现一只老鼠
So you basically found a rat
咬了你卧室里玩具城♥堡♥的一个玩具士兵
chewing one of the toy soldiers from your toy fort in your bedroom
然后你现在要它接受军事审判
and you're giving it for a military trial.
他确实做过这样的事
那怪物应该受到这样的惩罚
Nothing less than the monster deserves.
你不觉得
Do you think...?
我们应该宣判了吗 好主意
That we should move on to sentencing? Excellent idea.
我特此代表军事法庭审判你
So I hereby court martial you
并且判处你绞刑
and sentence you to hang by the neck.
真是再古怪不过了
Well, this can't get any weirder.
用我专门制♥作♥的这种小型绞刑架
Using these tiny little gallows that I built specially.
他真的自己制♥作♥了迷你绞刑架
原来还可以变得更古怪
Yeah, it could, it could get weirder.
你站在这里 你会看得很清楚的
You stand there, you get nice view.
你能相信吗
Can you believe it?
他吊死了一只咬了他的纸板城♥堡♥
He hanged a rat for chewing on his cardboard fortress
和两个玩具士兵的老鼠 我要上诉
and two of his toy soldiers. I demand a retrial!
结果后来 沙皇彼得三世仅在位
As it turned out, he only ruled as Tsar Peter III
六个月就被暗♥杀♥了
for six months before he was assassinated.
该怎么说呢 因果有报
What can I say? What goes around, comes around.
汉娜·托纳尔
愚蠢的死法之
死得傻呀死得傻*
*Stupid deaths, stupid deaths
真人真事乐哈哈*
*They're funny cos they're true
死得傻呀死得傻*
*Stupid deaths, stupid deaths
下次不要到你家*
*Hope next time it's not you.
最后他们都呕吐而死
..And then they all died vomiting!
都够严肃的啊
Ooh, tough crowd!
你们俩是来干吗的
What are you two up to?
对了 一个是八卦专栏来的 下一位
Oh, well. One for the gossip columns. Next!
你是谁
And you are?
汉娜·托纳尔 乔治王朝的酒吧女招待
Hannah Twynnoy, Georgian barmaid.
你是说酒吧女招待
Ooh, a barmaid, you say.
你在哪家酒馆上班
Which pub did you work in?
威尔特郡 马姆斯伯里的白狮酒馆
The White Lion in Malmesbury in Wiltshire.
没听过 这儿的酒馆叫砍王头
Don't know it. My local's called the King's Head's Been Chopped Off.
你是怎么回事
So what's your story?
夏天的时候 来了一支巡回马戏团
Well, in the summer, a travelling circus arrived.
-等一下 你是说巡回马戏团 -是
-Woo! Hold the ketchup! Did you say travelling circus? - Yeah.
已经开始喜欢这个故事了 继续吧
I love it already! Do carry on.
马戏团建在白狮酒馆后院的大空地上
The circus set up in the large rear yard of the White Lion.
他们有白狮吗
Woo. Did they have a white lion?
没有 但他们有各种野生动物
No, but they had all sorts of wild animals though,
包括一只大老虎
including a huge tiger.
我从没见过那样的大老虎
What I ain't never seen one like that before.
马姆斯伯里没多少老虎
You don't get many tigers in Malmesbury.
确实没多少
No, you don't.
你知道我做了什么 我用一根尖棍戳它
Do you know what I did? I prodded it with a sharp stick.
你知道老虎非常危险吧
You do know that tigers are highly dangerous, don't you?
是的 马戏团的人警告过我别激怒老虎
Yeah, the circus staff did warn me against the tiger,
但是那太好玩了
but it was such fun.
我戳它 捅它
I was poking it and prodding it.
向它扔东西 嘲笑它 刺它
I threw things at it, I mocked it, I jabbed it.
-然后呢 -它受够了 就把我咬死了
- And? - It got fed up and killed me.
真意外 这真是个大猫难啊
There's a surprise! Hey, that was a big cat-astrophy!
大猫难
Big cat-astrophy...
但我是第一个被老虎咬死的英国人
But I was the first person in Britain to be killed by a tiger. So...
[1951年家乐氏早餐麦片广♥告♥ 托尼虎]
这个怎么样 死得太太太太傻
How about this one? Stupid deaths are g-r-r-r-reat!
跟广♥告♥里那只老虎一样
Like the tiger in the advert!
你说这笑话已经过时了是什么意思
What you mean that joke's been dated?
你还有脸说
Look who's talking.
我喜欢你的故事 你可以去投胎了
I love your story, you're through to the afterlife.
非常感谢
Much obliged.
木乃伊都是怎么回事 真没幽默感
What is it with Mummies? No sense of humour.
死得傻呀死得傻*
*Stupid deaths, stupid deaths
下次不要到你家*
*Hope next time it's not you
腐朽古罗马
古罗马 军队发薪日
跟你说 老兄 我迫不及待要领薪水了
I'll tell you what, mate. I cannot wait to get paid.
我要直接去酒馆
I'm going straight down to the taverna.
他们好像有一个
Apparently they've got an all you can
牛乳和猪蹄的特♥价♥自助套餐
eat cow's udder and pig's trotter special.
太美好了
Sweet as a nut!
你好长官 有给我的东西吗
Hello, Chief. You got something for me?
-姓名 -安东尼厄斯· 莫瑞勒斯
- Name. - Antonius Moreilus.
-在意大利北部参战四个月 -对的
- Four-month military campaign in northern Italy? - That's the one.
-来吧 发钱了 -这是你的薪水
- So come on. Give us the dosh. - Here's your pay.
就像我妈妈常说的 别一次全花完了
Don't spend it all at once, as my mother used to say.
-等下 这不是钱 是盐 -当然
- Hang on, mate. This isn't money. This is salt. - Well, obviously.
可我以为会发金属钱币的
But I was expecting to get paid in coins.
罗马人不是一向都这样做吗
I mean the Romans are kind famous for it.
付给士兵盐是很普遍的做法
Paying our soldiers in salt is quite standard.
其实"薪水"这个词是来源于拉丁语的盐
Hence the term salary, from the Latin for salt.
这是真的
我能用一袋盐买♥♥到什么 一袋胡椒吗
What am I supposed to buy with a bag of salt? A bag of pepper?!
胡椒 牛乳
Pepper, cow's udders...
想换什么都行
You can swap it for anything you want really.
大部分商人还是很愿意
Much merchants are quite happy to exchange
交换等价货物的
goods for anything of an equivalent value.
好吧 我认了 至少能抹在肉上
All right. I'll take it. At least I'll have something to put on my meat.
大家都说 参军吧 这是个好工作
Join the army, they say. It's a great career, they say.
却忘了说工资是盐
Get paid in salt, they forgot to mention.
这袋子越来越轻了
This sack's getting lighter.
罗马帝国在壮大 我们需要更多的军队
As the Roman Empire grew, we needed more and more troops.
所以我们强制入伍
So We made our army compulsory.
但是一些人为了逃避服役绞尽了脑汁
But Some people would go to surprising lengths to avoid military service.
-你好 -是安东尼厄斯·波里克斯吗
- Hello. - Antonius Polex?
大概吧 你是谁
Maybe. Who's asking?
我是罗马军队的新兵招募官
I am a recruitment officer from the Roman army.
你被征入伍了
You have been personly selected from annual levy
要在罗马军队服役至少十年
to join the Roman army for at least ten years.
我被征入伍了
I'm being conscripted?
是的 恭喜你 新兵波里克斯
Yes, you are. Congratulations, Legionary Polex.
要知道 我很希望能在接下来的十年中
Do you know what? I'd like nothing better than to spend the next ten years
在一些见鬼的共和国角落里战斗
fighting in some god forsaken corner of the Roman Republic,
但是很不幸 我没有大拇指
but unfortunately, no thumbs.
-真遗憾 -就是啊
- Oh, that is a shame. - I know it is, isn't it?
我不小心在厨房♥里把它们切掉了
I accidentally chopped them off in an accident in a kitchen,
这是个厨房♥事故
it was a kitchen accident.
完全不中用了
Totally useless.
你们看 我连矛和剑都拿不住了
And look! I can't even hold a spear or a sword, anything, look that.
-就是 拿不住了 -完全浪费时间
- Well, how could you? - Waste of time, innit?
-所以实话说我也很遗憾 -确实是啊
- So you know. I'm gutted, honestly. - Bet you are.
你肯定都不相信
I mean you are not gonna believe this.
这是今天第三次碰到这种情况了
This is the third time this has happened today.
好像大家都不小心切掉了自己的大拇指
Seems like everyone's accidentally cutting their thumbs off.
你在开玩笑吧
You're joking me.
不 感觉好像人们为了不参军
No, it's almost that the people are deliberately
故意切掉了自己的大拇指
cutting their thumbs off in order to avoid joining the Roman army.
糟糕历史（2009）
Horrible Histories
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